1705. Dumped Wife: To Recover Before It Happens—I


This is follow-on to posts 1703 and 1704. Her Highness SS inquired: What if the wife is already employed outside the home?

Background. When wife enters the marital agreement for a two-income household, husband escapes her being 100% dependent on him. He envisions a lifestyle of two people living separate lives under the same roof but sharing each other, resources, and privileges with maneuvering room for him to arrange the relationship to his liking; any king would do the same, whether his castle or her nest. (I purposely exaggerate the magnitude to paint the picture).

The magnet of a castle owned exclusively by him disappears from his mind. ‘Ownership’ of the marriage becomes joint with intentions for him to be top dog, whenever two bosses disagree. The two-income lifestyle also assuage his fears of “Maybe I can’t do it” with one.

His escape ‘victory’ away from 100% activates his competitive urges to continue in the same direction. If she relinquished on 100%, how much further should he take her? Greater capability or more independence for her means less dependence on him. He doesn’t have to work for it; she comes by it on her own. But if he ever thinks of ditching her, his mind has been changed. Thus, two-incomes endlessly stir their marriage with his competitive spirit that applies pressure to move away from her dependence on him.

He sees to it that future events and marital decisions favor his independence over her dependence. For example, as if he never gets one, her pay raises outshine whatever sense he has of being her provider-protector. If he gains some control of her money, he can overlook his discomfort. If not, he can resent her capability to earn more on her own, which he can use against her if ever it becomes necessary. (He responds to resentment by promising himself a future advantage; it’s that primal competitive urge sprouting forth.) Thus, he gains competitive advantages in his mind while making her less dependent in his heart. With each advantage gained over her, his respect also declines.

Were he to marry based on a one-income household, his sense of responsibility would move their marriage toward more mutual dependence, not less. See the difference? Her complete dependence pushes him to improve that condition; it’s his responsibility to do so. Less than complete dependence, however, pushes him to improve his position relative to her and his competitive spirit never ends.

Moreover, in another way her natural cooperative spirit works against her. He competes and she cooperates, and he gains advantage easily.

Wife applies other pressures that work against her. In most of her homelife efforts, she seeks to bring them closer together. He senses pressure to be more responsible, which nudges him away from it.

With each step of progress for him, her dependence on him becomes less and less in his eyes. For example, unless he develops a stronger sense of responsibility for their children than for her, he likely remains forever opposed to her home schooling.

The ‘two-income’ husband expects to deliver less than he’s capable of providing. Wife also expects less than he’s capable, and the self-fulfilling prophecy fulfills once again. We all live up to the expectations of others and ourselves. When we deliver less than we are capable, we naturally produce less and less. It makes us look elsewhere to meet our capability, and men do it more easily than women. Unfortunately, both husbands and wives are in the same SFP boat. When the boat fills, husbands swim away while wives sink with prophecies fulfilled.

Foreground. So, what’s the modern ‘two-income’ wife to do? The answer comes tomorrow as post 1706.

11 Comments

Filed under How she loses

11 responses to “1705. Dumped Wife: To Recover Before It Happens—I

  1. What if a husband, after several years of marriage, wants the wife to do some “at-home” work, to earn just a few thousand dollars extra per year — something like baking, or an online/computer-based business? — nowhere near enough to replace the husband’s income (though I suppose it could grow to be that), but “just a little extra”.

    Your Highness Kathy,

    I’d ask myself how am I and how much pressure am I applying on him that he wants us to have more money? A little extra cash isn’t going to relieve his providing/protecting burden on the family. So, he must feel some pressure. Is it coming from inside the family? If not, then try to uncover where the pressure is coming from including him internally. Perhaps he just wants to upgrade family extras, such as bigger vacation, bigger car, or gain a little help when child goes to college or teen needs a car and savings won’t cover it. Or, perhaps he sees retirement coming with insufficient planning. OR, PERHAPS YOU WANT THOSE THINGS OR ANTICIPATE FUTURE NEED AND YOU ARE THE PRESSURE POINT.

    I see nothing wrong or hazardous either way if you try to earn a few bucks at home.

    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      What if a couple actually IS in financial distress (Cars constantly in need of repair, no retirement funds,/savings, child w/special needs has expenses, husband unemployed….)…We are both in older life so I feel we both do need to work as much as we can, given ageism and that our financial situation has deteriorated over the years. But I feel so vulnerable in my marriage when I work full-time for precisely the reasons you have put forth in the series! When i work full-time, he seems to feel he can STOP working full-time.
      I cover the family’s health insurance with my job. My kid however has reached a point where I need to step away from bringing in most of my income and home school to finish out the school year. My husband’s current job pays a bit more than minimum wage. Although I know it must be done (They grow up so fast!) I am nervous leaving my work albeit for a semester and am slightly scared to depend so much on my hubby who has a habit of getting fired from jobs. It will certainly be putting a lot of pressure on him as I was the main provider for many years, which I came to regret as i believe he manifested a great deal of resentment towards me which came out in unemployment, porn habits etc. It also seemed to allow him to feel he could treat me poorly for half our marriage! Which I never understood (and tried to ignore) as I thought I was doing “Everything i could” for the family, working 2–3 jobs to make up for his unemployment. He once sneered that ‘You could probably do better on your own, couldn’t you, have a nice little apartment and take care of yourself” during his worst moment. Which, actually, was true…..financially. Discovering this article explained a lot.

      i will keep my hand in and work a little bit, but it will really be peanuts compared to what I brought in. Yet I feel nervous…will hubby feel responsible enough to step up to the plate? Can he control his temper towards superiors and keep his new job? Can we get through this role reversal and will it help him feel like the man he wants to be? There are some good signs….he has cut down on smoking and started exercising. He has said again and again that he wants to be the main provider. Or has too much damage already been done? I would like to think as long as there is breath there is hope. And I am taking a deep breath, stepping back and taking a look at what happens.

      Your Highness Meow Meow,

      Congratulations, darling, on doing right things. Neither I nor the readers could possibly grasp the interworking of all the pressures you are under and offer our advice. Only you can and apparently have mastered all the pressures you sense, and so you are deciding on behalf of you and yours.

      What a blessing you are to the Lord. God bless you for the example you set for others with far less domestic turmoil to face. You’re on my prayer list.

      Guy

      • Meow Meow

        Thank you Sir Guy, I’m very thankful for the confidence and prayers of you and your readers. You all are very much a part of me and do much to guide me during my often trying times. Despite all this i intend to do my best and be there for my child as I seek to understand the men in my life better. It feels like God is guiding me across a tightrope sometimes, but in the end i know that He is there for me. I do hope I give back to others enough, I’ve had an interesting life and seen a lot of interesting situations!

        • MLaRowe

          Meow Meow, prayers for the situation. I’m hearing strength from your words.

          I never regret any of the sacrifices we made so that I have been able to be with the children. Sure we could have had bigger, fancier and nicer everything had I worked full time (and I do wonder what my retirement will look like one day).

          Yet my children are well thought of for their behavior as well as other things and I believe that has everything to do with being able to parent them (eating dinner around the table most night and so on).

          Sounds like you are making the best decision you can for your child. I don’t believe you will regret that.

          • Meow Meow

            Thanks so much for your support MLaRowe! When you think about it children are only with us for a short time in the grand scheme of things and although money is desperately needed by us right now my family needs me home more. I don’t think I could look back on my life knowing that my child seriously needed me and I wasn’t there for her. I spoke with the district today and they are actually very supportive and she is welcome back to public school whenever she is ready. My own mom did the same for me many years ago. I am pretty neversaydie. Thank you:)

            • Miss Gina

              Dear Lady Meow Meow,

              When my children were at home, I faced some of the same issues as you do. I always homeschooled them, though the cost was sometimes high (once it cost a beloved home–in sale, not foreclosure, by the grace of God), yet I never regretted it. Our kids are doing great now, as I’m sure your daughter will do, having always been at the center of your concern. Homeschooling is wonderful, and if you can and want to do it, I would encourage it, but it isn’t the main thing…it’s what the child perceives as us being there as an absolute, foolproof safety net, no matter what happens. Although my husband had some issues with responsibility, I believe that my dependence on him inspired him to be a better man than he would have been otherwise–and I believe that will be the case for you, too. (Everyone’s situation is different…my husband spent his teen years in a cultish Christian organization his parents had joined when he was 12, which through gross distortions of the Bible stole the stability he knew, destroyed his opportunities for a proper education, and even stole from him the mentorship of his father, all of which his older siblings got–how much can anyone blame him?). This is really intended more as encouragement than as advice…I believe someday you will look back with amazement at how God has honored your desire to bless your family.:-)

  2. Catherine

    Sir Guy,
    You are a brilliant author.:)

  3. Sis

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I insert my comments in bold CAPS.

    With each step of progress for him, her dependence on him becomes less and less in his eyes.
    I don’t understand why this is, this doesn’t make sense to me. “EACH STEP OF PROGRESS” REFERS TO THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE. SHE WORKS TO BRING THEM CLOSER TOGETHER, HE SENSES IT AS PRESSURE TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE, WHICH NUDGES HIM AWAY FROM HER DEPENDENCE ON HIM.

    How does homeschooling work against a marriage, what if it’s his idea to homeschool? I THINK YOU MISREAD MY ARTICLE. THE MENTION OF HOME SCHOOLING MADE THE POINT THAT IT WOULD COST ONE INCOME AND HE WOULD LIKELY OPPOSE IT FOR THAT REASON UNLESS HE FELT A STRONGER SENSE OF THE KIDS BEING DEPENDENT ON HIM MORE THAN OF HER.

    The two-income lifestyle also assuage his fears of “Maybe I can’t do it” with one.
    Does this just mean that he is only concerned about competing now and not providing and caring for? NO, IT MEANS THAT HIS COMPETITIVE SPIRIT IS ACTIVATED TO COME OUT ON TOP WHEN ISSUES COME UP REGARDING HER DEPENDENCE ON HIM. AGAIN, IT’S HIS NATURE AND NOT NECESSARILY WHAT A PARTICULAR MAN MIGHT DO.

    GUY

  4. There are many situations in which husbands and wives both have to work. Immigrant families in this country historically have had to do that in order to get established. However, their cultures and family arrangements are built on the idea that anybody trying to escape from his or her responsibilities damages the structure and future of the entire extended family. Plus there are grannies and aunties and cousins upstairs, around the corner, and down the street to care for children of working mothers and help them find jobs. And grandfathers and uncles and cousins ditto to help working fathers fix cars and repair household items and help them find jobs.

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