Wife may not like sex, it may hurt, or husband’s habits may offend. He’s convinced that his sexual ability makes him admirable if not adorable. It doesn’t take much to convince him that she thinks him inadequate in bed. Or, he may find her inadequate. If him, he’s urged to prove otherwise to himself. If her, he invites himself to find sexual pleasure with someone else. (Vows and character play no part here, because I’m explaining the male nature.)
The spectrum of results in the bedroom has two extremes. Ideal that tends to keep spouses from wandering, or so dissatisfying that it makes them think of little else. Couples innocently and easily wade into the latter extreme, so I describe a way to move from somewhere on the spectrum toward the ideal.
Much different from women, displaying his affection for someone is not a natural element in a man’s makeup. It’s learned and displayed for specific reasons. Moreover, it isn’t essential for his sexual activity. So, disregarding sleep for this point, in the bedroom men think of affection second—if at all. Women think of sex second—if at all.
A man shows his affection to his woman because he understands she craves it, he wants to please her, or both; although conditional with him, she expects it naturally. A man’s prime motivator is need for self-admiration. Little or no satisfaction comes from showing affection, but self-admiration blasts off during foreplay and reaches orbital speed during intercourse.
Much different from men, a woman loves a man because it makes her feel self-important. She shows him affection, because it expresses her love, or she hopes to stimulate affectionate responses from him. A woman’s prime motivator is the need for self-importance. It doesn’t accumulate from sex, but it skyrockets from intimacy and cherishment after intercourse, aka afterplay.
He goes to the bedroom expecting sleep or sex, both of which confirm his self-admiration. She goes there expecting to confirm her self-importance, whether through affection, sex, snuggling, or sleep. Merging and morphing those differences into compatibility is the crowning achievement of married life.
It begs the question: How?
In the bedroom, wife indirectly stresses her admiration for who and what he is to her as a wife fulfilled in bed, as a woman dependent on his sexual smoothness, and as a person completed by his understanding of what she needs from her man. She acts fortunate to have him in bed as intimate partner. Her modesty and desire to remain mysterious prevents talking about sexual activity directly. Actually, bed is the place to minimize words and let him translate her endearments into admiration of him. She doesn’t mention his sexual habits, prowess, or performance. She lets her physical responses send messages that confirm his sense of self-admiration. He excites and satisfies her as the woman she is, but she downplays the intercourse phase of it. She claims that he tickles her fancy in bed. She adores his foreplay. She admires his tenderness in afterplay. But intercourse is his time to rise and shine, and she just makes the most of it.
If she sincerely enjoys intercourse, she downplays it to him. Her orgasm satisfies but multiples skyrocket his self-admiration. If she plays it up beyond orgasmic benefits, she waters down the effects she needs to emphasize with foreplay and afterplay.
I credit a pretty woman named Anne for this super-wise thought. If wife has any complaints about his lovemaking, keep silent until six months have passed. Time not only heals, but husband has six months to figure out what he should do better. When men—without being told—figure out what they should do, they do it.
Even though I’ve tried to describe how a wife can parlay bedtime into the ideal that prevents wandering, only the couple involved can figure out what works for them, what generates their treasure trove of marital delight. I wish good luck and God’s blessings to every couple.