1753. Sex Differences Redux — Part 07: She’s Modest, He’s Not

In addition to being born pretty, females’ are blessed with another primal conviction that weakens male dominance. Each female possesses conviction about her personal sensitivities and sensibilities; we commonly call it modesty. Someone else describes it better than I ever could, and I urge all mothers and prospective mothers to read her book. Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit impressed me more than any other book about female nature. The subtitle Discovering the Lost Virtue cites the relevance for men.

Though dramatically outdone by Wendy,  I shall offer some thoughts for tying men to female modesty. If you can’t or don’t read her masterpiece, although not a summary let these points marinate in your heart and mind so deeply contaminated by the feminized culture.

  • Women begin life with a deep sense of modesty. As girls or women, violations cause embarrassment. Men are born immodest but respectful of female differences. Except for those they disdain or seek to demean, men try to do better when they encounter a superior trait. Men consider distinctly female traits as superior to the degree they are upheld against the pressures of masculine infringement or male dominance.
  • Males don’t embarrass easily and don’t like it when they are embarrassed. Consequently, they learn early in life that females are very different and have much higher standards and different sensibilities than males. It’s precisely that difference combined with many others that earn masculine respect.
  • Men don’t embarrass themselves, and they don’t feel good when they accidentally embarrass a female. Oh, they grin or laugh or maybe even plan her discomfort. (Teasing pretty women makes them prettier.) However, men adjust their behavior in the future, if she reflects deep and sincere modesty. If she sticks to her guns. Men respect her if she continually refuses to accept offense to her sense of modesty, dignity, and feminine propriety.
  • Some males seek to embarrass females. Especially, adolescent males try to learn about life through one girl. They seek to conquer her inhibitions, standards, and expectations. Conquering her modesty produces effects not unlike conquering her for sex. She loses his respect, if she ever had it. As she becomes more like a male and weans herself from embarrassing moments, she becomes less respectable to him.
  • As they grow up some females water down their modest instincts to be more acceptable to males. They give up that precious virtue and darken their own futures. Others choose to defend modesty standards and uphold the superior position of females in society. The latter ones have little difficulty gaining masculine respect, which is that ever so vital ingredient that precedes a man’s love.
  • Modesty empowers females with a dynamic obstruction to hold back the entreaties of a dominating male, so why try so hard to ignore it? Feminists may find immodesty appealing, but how respectable are they to men; at least men with the capability and inclination to become a lifetime Mr. Right?

God, Nature, and hormones bless men and women differently. Modesty gives females their most powerful subliminal ‘weapon’ for holding in check the behavior of males. Wendy Shalit describes it much more thoroughly in Return to Modesty.


Filed under sex differences

14 responses to “1753. Sex Differences Redux — Part 07: She’s Modest, He’s Not

  1. Kaikou

    “Teasing pretty women, makes them prettier”. How so?

    Your Highness Kaikou,
    Men get to see what they want to see and get what they hope to accomplish.

    • Ann

      Teasing pretty women, makes them prettier because when the male sees the pretty women embarrassed and defending her modesty, it makes her more attractive to him…he respects her more. Her prettiness is enhanced. If she were not offended or defending, his respect would lessen and her prettiness would be blighted.

      Your Highness Ann,
      Very well said.

  2. Lyndeeloo

    As is always the case here at WWNH, this post offers helpful insights.

    Normally I am most concerned about how this information can be applied to men my own age, but lately I’ve had problems with a teenage boy (one of my drama students). This young man often says inappropriate things to me at rehearsal, even in front of other students.

    His comments are blatantly (or subtly) sexual in tone. I think he likes to push boundaries and likes making others uncomfortable. I’ve tried saying things like, “What did you say to me?” When he repeats the satement I say “That’s very disrespectful.” Or “Don’t speak to me that way.” Or “I would’ve expected you to know better than to speak to women that way.”

    It’s not working. Would anyone here have advice to help me?

    Your Highness Lyndeeloo,

    I favor Anon’s response and suggest something different that no one has thought about. Request a male classmate or two of the culprit to ‘rescue’ you from the boy’s childishness. He disturbs your manner of teaching and his classmates are shortchanged for it. You need to be rescued without stirring the administrative pot with disturbances that call for name calling and legal or similar followup. If you start harassment proceedings, you will regret it before that ballgame ends.

    Give a gentleman or two in your class an opportunity to rescue a damsel in distress. They’ll admire you for it and appreciate your femininity for relying on masculinity instead of organizational authority. Of course clearly insist on no violence, but men are so valuable when a lady needs help. The boy will be shocked to have student peers expose his childishness and outlandish reflection on his mother.


    • Ann

      He’s had enough opportunity to get it. Sexual harassment applies here, rules of respect that he is breaking. A review of these rules with all your drama students would be appropriate presented from a respected adult male. Make sure that male and you state that any infraction the consequence will be immediate removal from drama class with memorable consequence to be determined by you at your discretion. It could be for the remainder of the semester or year….or whatever it needs to be to make it matter to him. See John Rosemond books for ideas working with teens. Make certain that you are dressing modestly so your appearance reinforces your words.

    • Lin

      Sounds like an abuser in the making to me, if not one already. Sounds like he gets a high from demeaning women and in this case you. He thrives on your discomfort and sense of being violated. I side with Ann’s comment as to immediate removal from your class. Another thing is when you ask him questions ( the examples provided in your comment) you inadvertently keep channels open ( communication open) for him to demean you further and trust me this is what he wants. To keep you emotionally engaged with him through dialogue so that he can hurt you again and again.

      Ann’s suggestions on dealing with him are spot on. I wish you the best

  3. Anon.......

    I’m noticing that Much MODERN MEDIA REFUSES to show women as ‘modest’. The girls/women are hanging all over the guys shoulders..especially Sears commercials. You never see a real lady..unless she is with an older man like over 50 and not a rocker type. This could be what Wendy Shalit saw and a reason why she wrote the book,RETURN TO MODESTY. As far as the young males’ actions Lyndeloo, it shows he was never been around any real men IMO. IDK. i would say to him “how would your father feel about your mouth” or something like that. (if he has a dad)

  4. Anon.......

    I may also add…..many, though not all female newscasters show clevage! Or near clevage~ Isnt that what we were trying to get away from?

    Your Highness Anon…,
    Cleavage is everywhere, so TV babes keep men transfixed with crossed legs that expose the under thigh. High-paid pretty women thus confirm that American life today is the man’s game and women are losing. As long as men are reminded of sex, they will pay little attention to the interests of women.

  5. Anon....

    I like anns answer the best…GET ANOTHER TRUSTED MAN to teach this MALE SOME MANNERS

    Your Highness Anon…,
    Amen! Words are useless for such a child.

  6. Ellie

    Sir Guy,

    How does one maintain modesty within marriage? Can one display the modesty you described while simultanously trying to be a tease (to the husband only, and only in private)?

    Your Highness Ellie,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    One has to work it out herself. Modesty works for her by earning his respect. However, if he’s used to something else such as significant immodesty, she should perhaps work on other things less intrusive to his comfort with her.


  7. Lyndeeloo

    Thank you for the advice. There is a lot of food for thought here.

    I agree about not wanting to “disrupt he administrative pot.”

    I like Anon’s question about the young man’s father. His father isn’t in the picture, which is likely a large part of the problem. He lives with his mother and she is very permissive. Perhaps if I said something along the lines of, “If you would not say that when my father (or my brother, or the principal) were standing here, then it’s not an appropriate thing to say and I will not accept inappropriate remarks.” I’m still considering the best way to phrase such a comment.

    Thank you, Sir Guy, for the advice about recruiting other male students. There are a couple of young men who would be dependable in this situation.

    Your Highness Lyndeeloo,

    A good reason exist for your not confronting him, not trying to solve the problem yourself. He and you are in competition, he will not relent just because of your threats or niceness, and he will raise the ante and try to jump back ahead of you. He’s angry at authoritative women and will pride himself in not backing down or acquiescing to you. Ergo, let those “dependable” fellow students of his solve your problem and lift you out of the brawl.

    CAUTION: The men you ask for help could go too far. So, coach them not to threaten or assault such that the boy cries to higher authority. Also, unless you back whatever those “dependable fellow students” do, the boy will win. It will work best if the boy sees loss of respect of fellow students rather than being threatened such that his manhood rises up to retaliate.


    • Ann

      Fellow male students to peer pressure him into treating you and the rest of the class with respect is the ‘make it matter to him—his loss of respect’ that should work. This task will likely also empower the young men and others in the classroom to use these tactics in other classrooms and elsewhere outside of school. Good call, Sir Guy.
      Those male students should also give positive feedback when the boy does behave respectfully.

  8. Cocoa

    OK here is what I do at work, and work for me is the most challenging place (oh well, I am between home, church and work) so here is what I see every single day. But first a bit of background so you might appreciate my shock.

    I am from a non-English speaking background, where females don’t say much while growing up. Growing up in a strict Christian family with an ultra modest mother. Moved to where I am now, joined the work force and BANG faced with what I did not imagine my whole life. First a female co-worker trying to be funny called me a B**** and oh dear, I started crying like a 5 years old girl. Got used to hearing it but no one called me this again.

    Lately I am working within a section where males outnumber females and swearing seems to be very fashionable! If they are happy they swear if they are annoyed they swear. It is obvious and known that I do not/ can not tolerate it, so they are careful.

    Women, I noticed, swear more than guys (breaks my heart)
    Guys, sometimes and depend on the kind of guy, not really care if I am offended.
    When using HAND LANGUAGE, I turn red instantly, I have a shock look on my face with a semi smile, turn and leave. The guys start laughing but lately I noticed they do it and enjoy my reaction.

    I am tired and feel literally exhausted and don’t want to loose respect but not sure what I can do more. (have to say they noticeably reduced)

    Any advice Guy and/or ladies.

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    What to do? Continue as before. You’re blessed:

    • You are reinforced daily by seeing examples of what you will never be.

    • You possess wonderful female advantages for a man more intelligent than your coworkers with their mob attitude.

    • You stand out so differently from women coworkers that it makes you a prize catch for a guy who can more easily prize you above sex.

    • It may seem that coworkers don’t like you, but don’t let that sway you. It happens because envy and jealously far too easily override a person’s ability to like someone else.

    The toughest part is retaining your dignity, which I recommend you keep doing. They’ll come around to respecting you more outwardly if you stick by your upbringing and standards. Expect nothing better from them until they produce it.

    Incidentally, find the most reluctant of the guys to offend you and try GENTLY, SLOWLY, AND DISCREETLY to befriend him. Building a defense from the bottom up is slow but the most effective. You’ll receive better treatment although it could take many months.

    I’m proud of how you remain inside your lineage and beliefs.


  9. Cocoa

    Oh!! Thank you Guy, again so encouraging and relieving. I have to say that this same person reduced his offenses. I actually sometimes feel sorry for them, they just can’t help themselves!

    Today he was so good (no hand signals today) I do sense the respect from them by at least trying to change their behavior. Multiple times they tried and tried (I guess they want to learn about my culture) to drag me into sexual conversations and I just obviously and bluntly turn and go.

    Dignity is there I HAVE to sometimes withdraw and reduce talking and joking and they are smart and get the message. With females coworkers they are between respecting (majority) and demeaning, but learnt to ignore them.

    The main thing is that they know I am Christian, they tease me a bit but I stand firm and with my head up high and always refer to the Lord and my Father that I can’t wait to depart and see him.

    Once again thank you so much. I am a better person since started reading your blog.

  10. Ari

    I have been reading this blog for about a month now and everyday I come across something that reinforces what I feel the young women need to know (older ones too) to “win” in this culture. These are true gems that you have shared with us… I will be sharing some of these with the young women in my life.
    I appreciate all of your hard work. I have a lot of catching up to do on my reading here though I have read through the coffee series, virtual virginity and some others. They are so relevant to my life as a single woman.
    Love to you and your wife.

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