1762. Sex Difference Redux — Part 16: Fulfillment


They differ in so many ways. Women seek emotional fulfillment and they go after it. Men expect sexual fulfillment but they also expect not to have to work hard for it. They will work hard to conquer a woman but not work hard for sex with her afterward.

Emotional fulfillment builds and accumulates as a female associates and loves other people. Her self-centeredness easily yields to other-centeredness. Others return her respect and love. The complexities of living provide pleasure, unless she detects a lack of emotional fidelity in her boyfriend, lover, or husband, but those are other stories (#1352 for boyfriends and #1356 for husbands).

However, career dedication, self-actualization, and masculine-like behavior flood the psyche of modern females. They pursue numerous non-feminine objectives that provide only temporary if any emotional fulfillment. They focus on the present instead of building an emotionally fulfilled future. They bypass marriage, avoid or delay children, and defer living up to someone other than Self. Also and especially relevant here, they overlook, begrudge, or otherwise don’t provide sexual fulfillment to the men in their lives.

They don’t get what they want out of life, because they don’t pursue what produces it. Much as men do, they pursue present-day cognitive satisfaction rather than future-enhancing emotional fulfillment. They don’t like or trust their own female selves, and so they look to others for inspiration, guidance, or example. Consequently, they learn to fish in poisonous waters for emotional fulfillment that never comes. Waters such as these extreme examples: celebrity worship, immoral behavior, anti-religious beliefs, and duplicating the sex and food appetites of men.

Unless a young female dreams to seek another destiny, she best fulfills feminine hopes and dreams by building, sustaining, and breathing happiness into a family. She may not realize it for many years, perhaps in her forties, but the urge to nurture and blend a family will eventually pester her with sorrow or remorse.

Later in life the lack of emotional fulfillment pains modern women deeply. Many find life relatively empty, especially if promiscuity was part of earlier life. They long for a man or wish their present mate could be more emotionally involved than he has been ‘trained’ by modern women. The girlhood craving to be cherished never fades completely from the female heart and mind.

Men are different. A man gets sex and expects to routinely move on to other women. Sexual fulfillment has to find him. When it happens, it keeps him focused on whoever provides it. Fulfilling a man sexually makes a woman’s shortcomings overlookable and her faults forgivable and easily forgettable.

To provide sexual fulfillment, his woman needs to elevate him three ways: As the great provider, he deserves frequent and convenient sex. As the family kingpin and supreme family leader, he outranks and out-deserves their kids. And, ultimately, the source of his supremeness flows from his inherent studliness. Perhaps not in her mind but necessarily and perhaps exaggeratedly in his, he’s the greatest of lovers for her and she would have no one else. Continuously present in his heart and mind, that’s sexual fulfillment. (And oh how easy for her to let his convictions slip away as she associates too gregariously or suspiciously with other men.)

She also needs to show gratefulness for him and his efforts, cheer him to success in his workplace, and teach the kids to do the same. As those blessings accumulate alongside his sexual fulfillment, he craves to stick around and enjoy it for life.

26 Comments

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26 responses to “1762. Sex Difference Redux — Part 16: Fulfillment

  1. Why shouldn’t a female seek self-acualization. Seems perfectly called for someone who will raise the next generation.

    • Brittany

      Hey Dawn!

      In my personal opinion, I never got or liked the idea of self-actualization. I learned about it a while ago in a psychology class at school. If I remember correctly, there was a hierarchy of needs you needed to fulfill before you became “self-actualized”. I agree that there are certain things you need to be comfortable with and achieve to feel secure in life, but I don’t like the idea that you have to move through the specific steps laid out in the hierarchy of needs to reach self-actualization, and that some people consider self-actualization to be the ultimate goal of human happiness and comfort.

      In my opinion, all the things in the hierarchy of needs are circumstancial, and circumstances can change in an instant. If you reached self-actualization because you finally got the ‘perfect job’ and you spent your whole life going after that job, but then lost it. What would happen then? Are you un-self-actualized? I know that losing a job is horrible, and I’m not pretending it’s not, but you can’t pin all of your confidence and comfort in that because your job might not always be there.

      I’d rather learn to be content and joyful in all circumstances because circumstances change but learning to be joyful no matter what, seems way more important than being self actualized can ever be.

      -Brittany

      • Anna

        Self-actualization, properly defined, is most certainly the ultimate goal of human happiness and comfort. Without a Self you are an empty shell that needs constant filling from others. No relationship of any sort can survive on parasitism. One must be “something” to attract and keep something.

      • Hi! So here is what I found as defined by the psychology of Self-Actualization. Could someone PLEASE point out how any of this could be bad, for a woman who is treadin the “WWNH” path. I am not sure what Sir Guys definition of it is, as the theory does have its critics, but for many personality types it works wonderfully:

        Efficient perceptions of reality. Self-actualizers are able to judge situations correctly and honestly. They are very sensitive to the fake and dishonest.
        Comfortable acceptance of self, others, nature. Self-actualizers accept their own human nature with all its flaws. The shortcomings of others and the contradictions of the human condition are accepted with humor and tolerance.
        Spontaneity. Maslow’s subjects extended their creativity into everyday activities. Actualizers tend to be unusually alive, engaged, and spontaneous.
        Task centering. Most of Maslow’s subjects had a mission to fulfill in life or some task or problem outside of themselves to pursue. Humanitarians such as Albert Schweitzer and Mother Teresa are considered to have possessed this quality.
        Autonomy. Self-actualizers are free from reliance on external authorities or other people. They tend to be resourceful and independent.
        Continued freshness of appreciation. The self-actualizer seems to constantly renew appreciation of life’s basic goods. A sunset or a flower will be experienced as intensely time after time as it was at first. There is an “innocence of vision”, like that of an artist or child.
        Fellowship with humanity. Maslow’s subjects felt a deep identification with others and the human situation in general.
        Profound interpersonal relationships. The interpersonal relationships of self-actualizers are marked by deep loving bonds.
        Comfort with solitude. Despite their satisfying relationships with others, self-actualizing persons value solitude and are comfortable being alone.[13]
        Non-hostile sense of humor. This refers to the wonderful capacity to laugh at oneself. It also describes the kind of humor a man like Abraham Lincoln had. Lincoln probably never made a joke that hurt anybody. His wry comments were gentle proddings of human shortcomings.[citation needed]
        Peak experiences. All of Maslow’s subjects reported the frequent occurrence of peak experiences (temporary moments of self-actualization). These occasions were marked by feelings of ecstasy, harmony, and deep meaning. Self-actualizers reported feeling at one with the universe, stronger and calmer than ever before, filled with light, beautiful and good, and so forth.

        In summary, self-actualizers feel safe, not anxious, accepted, loved, loving, and alive. Additionally, Schott discussed in connection with transpersonal business studies.

        I would love to hear how any of this is in conflict with the theme of this blog. I find it to be foundational! 🙂

        Your Highness Dawn,
        I want to comment about Maslow but haven’t the time now. I should respond in a few days.
        Guy

        • Earl

          Dawn, before you our anyone else goes off the deep end about Maslow, humanist psychology, and self actualization, do a quick google search for the terms “Maslow” “falsified”. His theory was based on zero scientific work, as is 99 percent of all humanist psychology. Nero-science (and statistics to some degree) is the only source of empirical information feeding psychology, and the rest is just really, really bad philosophy. Maslows hierarchy had been disproven, and his”research”exposed as 100% conjecture.

          Your Highness Earl,
          Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
          Guy

          • Earl

            (and we all know how biased statistics can be, especially tempting when it comes to most psychologists being quacks of the highest order, excepting the fine work of some behaviorists.)

            • Hi Earl!

              In this day and age of information anyone can find reasearch to prove or disprove a given theory. What no one has touched on yet, is why self-actualization is a bad thing in the context of this blog. I wasn’t trying to start a debate as much as just hear someones point of view as to why it doesn’t fit in with being a woman. I didnt do the search you suggested only because I wanted to hear from the folks on the blog. But if there is no strong opion on it that fine too. But it is a bit funny that there is silence on this one. Best to you!

          • Earl

            Sorry for all the typos from using my phone to post

  2. Kaikou

    Sorry Sir Guy, this section isn’t quite clear:

    “Continuously present in his heart and mind, that’s sexual fulfillment. (And oh how easy for her to let his convictions slip away as she associates too gregariously or suspiciously with other men.)”

    Can reiterate?

    Lady Kaikou

    Your Highness Kaikou,
    It means he has to convince himself of his fulfillment, probably not consciously, however. It’s easy for her associations with other men to subliminally (however innocent she may be) infiltrate his mind with doubt. Of course, he should give her more credit, but suspicions arise easily in the male beast attached to a female. If it happens, it’s the male version of emotional infidelity which, unlike women, is less important than sexual unfaithfulness.
    Guy

  3. Anne

    How does a woman cheer her man on the job when he tends to workaholicism? The more I cheer, the more he works, accumulating extra side jobs, etc. and spending less and less time at home. Home life is becoming inbalanced, with neglect of prayer (except on Sundays), exercise, socializing, etc. Work is becoming everything for him… I have tried to remain positive, to praise his hard work for our family, and to take on everything in the home. But I feel I must be doing something wrong. 😦

    Your Highness Anne,

    You say, “I have tried to remain positive, to praise his hard work for our family, and to take on everything in the home.” The cause may lie there.

    Be less positive and reaffirming about his work outside the home and focus more on him at home. Don’t complain and don’t explain. Praise his participation/performance on praying, exercising, socializing, etc. We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, and he perhaps needs to start feeling better about non-job things than job-things. Also, quit taking “on everything in the home.” Become ever gently and slightly less capable and more dependent on him.

    Don’t take any of the above as blame or need for drastic changes. Go gently, privately, and undisturbingly into a smoothly run home fine tuned by you. Then, be patient because it will take time.

    Guy

  4. Anna

    Let us keep something very clear in mind regarding much of what is said on this site.

    Let me begin by saying that I love this site–yes–and agree with “Sir Guy” about many of his “hard truths”

    But the fact of the matter is that there are too many men out there who have been severely burned by marriage and who come to regret having married in the first place. Many men are manipulated into marriage by shrews who want little out of life but to be taken care of and who use “marriage and motherhood” and an excuse to not make more of themselves. These men then lose the passion, excitement, and sense of life that comes with individual “self-realization”.

    It is VERY important to be single for a while at certain times.

    Secondly, emotional maturity is important. Marriage is not about playing with dolls (babies) and having a permanent bill-payer escort.

    It is awful how many men become so cynical about marriage and if they divorce can–not always–bring many many problems into a new relationship that might be light years ahead with possibilitiy and happiness from the previous relationship. But these men will never know because they lump the new woman in with the old one expecting the same results.

    It is marriage that has given Marriage a bad name and that should be honestly addressed here.

    Your Highness Anna,
    I agree with you except I desire to add an editorial definition. It isn’t marriage that has given Marriage a bad name, it’s ‘inability to live together successfully’ and so I don’t use ‘marriage’ to damage the name of the institution of Marriage. WhatWomenNeverHear tries to do that, whether I’m successful or not.
    Guy

    • Joanna

      Anna,

      I so agree with you….right up till your last line 🙂
      It is not marriage which has given Marriage a bad name, but the very women you describe above who view marriage as a ‘get out’ from the hardships of life.
      It seems that when men are unsatisfied with the women to whom they have been married, it is because they have realised that whilst they did what they should for the women (provide, protect etc), she on the other hand gave nothing back.
      Which is the reason Sir Guy has this blog, to show women how they can give something back.
      That ‘something’ is rather intangible…and include things like patience, compassion, tolerance, self-control, which men would like in a woman, but don’t tend to get nowadays.

      Not sure a man who has been burned by marriage will ever believe that a new woman is different from the first one. That’s unfortunate and I am sure requires divine intervention 🙂

      Your Highness Joanna,
      Yes, I think you are right. Men far too easily expect or assign the shortcomings of their ex to other women. Methinks it may be more rationalization than actuality and thereby making it easier for them to justify avoiding another situation at which they lose to a woman their resources and/or self-respect. Thus, they hide even perhaps to themselves the indignity of losing to a woman.
      Guy

      • Amazing Gracee

        Sir Guy,

        What then should a lady do/not do with a man who has “been burned” or will it just be evident over time that she is not like the ex and therefore he can expect different outcome?

        Your Highness Amazing Gracee,

        Without trying too hard or being insincere, she should do what attracts men to a woman other than sex: listen to him expound on his admirable ability and admire him for it; show patience and self-control that satisfies him by avoiding a competitive situation over who gets their way; make herself more likeable in his eyes; enable him to govern their present life together while she focuses, plans, and governs their future together; convince him she’s loyal to him alone; quit trying to convince him with “I love you” because he takes it that she’s desperate or doesn’t know what to do to keep him satisfied; forgive quicker and forget truly; compassion helps but tolerance is better; help keep him satisfied with who she is and what she does, which can grow his satisfaction with who he is and what he does.

        Men don’t tend to get much of those things nowadays.

        Guy

    • S

      I think that there are many women who look for a ma. To provide and protect at any cost and there is the women who marries to be in a relationship – traditional ( women stays at home and the man protects and provides). I’m not sure if you are married or have been, but raising a family takes a lot of time and effort- it is a full time job and if you work outside the home you have two jobs and no time for yourself and sadly the relationship sometimes fails due to the imbalance. There is much more to taking care of the home than just cleaning. I am a stay at home mom and this job is even harder than working. I know it’s not marriage the problem but the two individuals –

  5. Anna

    To Joanna and Sir Guy

    Yes, you are both correct. My “line” was too harsh.
    It is too many of “a certain type” who have given Marriage a bad name.

  6. As a man, I get a lot of fulfillment from being with my kids and helping them succeed. But you absolutely nailed it in your description of the best way a woman can bless her man, find her own personal fulfillment, and inspire her children to want to have good marriages.

    Sir Strong Man,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  7. caseydeann

    Finally some decent “sex advice.” Ha!

    Your Highness Caseydeann,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy


    P.S. I visited your blog about humanity vs. humanism and femininity killed by Feminism. Immensely enjoyable too.
    B.

  8. Mrs.

    Mr. Guy, again great post on female – male fulfillment. We learn through experiences specially when it comes to matters on the heart. Would you explain some of the points made above:
    1st paragraph you mentioned “men dont expect to work hard to get it”. (but what happens when they easily get it or don’t get it?) Paragraph 7 “A man gets sex and expects to routinely move on to other women. Sexual fulfillment has to find him. When it happens, it keeps him focused on whoever provides it.” this goes to many of the post about virtual virginity and amid divorce… If the man is moving from who provides it – what success has a wife to implementing a no sex strategy if he will go where he gets it? ( let me know if this relates or if I missed something from the post) . I am sure this is not in relations to the man who is continually searching for women.

    Your Highness Mrs.,
    I’m unsure what you’re after. You ask, “what success has a wife to implementing a no sex strategy if he will go where he gets it?” Why would she do it? What’s she expect to achieve? The remainder is also not too clear.
    Guy

    • Mrs.

      Mr. Guy,
      To clear my comment – a man goes with the women who provides the sexual fulfillment. My questions are 1. if recently dating how can VV work in this scenario?
      And 2. If wife has implemented the VV due to sexual inferiority – how can she win the battle of no sex.
      I am trying to find if this post would be in relations to VV. I understand that the post is explaining the nature of man and how it relates to their sexual fulfillment – I’m looking out for the ones who have to compete with the women who provide it at all cost.

      • Girl

        I have the same question. Specifically your scenario #1 and conclusion “I’m looking out for the ones who have to compete with the women who provide it at all cost.”

        Your Highness Girl,
        I love it when pretty women rescue me. I didn’t respond to Mrs.’ questions as I should have. I’ll respond to her by Monday am at the latest and then return to your question above.
        Guy

        P.S. As Mrs. did, I think you mistook sexual satisfaction with sexual fulfillment. See my comment below addressed to Mrs. and you.
        G.

      • A.GuyMaligned

        Your Highness Mrs. with a side greeting to Her Highness Girl,

        Please pardon my neglect at answering. Just a slip of geriatric ADHD.

        Re Q-1: You’ve missed what fulfillment means to a man. Here’s how I wrote it: “To provide sexual fulfillment, his woman needs to elevate him three ways: As the great provider, he deserves frequent and convenient sex. As the family kingpin and supreme family leader, he outranks and out-deserves their kids. And, ultimately, the source of his supremeness flows from his inherent studliness. Perhaps not in her mind but necessarily and perhaps exaggeratedly in his, he’s the greatest of lovers for her and she would have no one else. Continuously present in his heart and mind, that’s sexual fulfillment. (And oh how easy for her to let his convictions slip away as she associates too gregariously or suspiciously with other men.)” Sexual fulfillment comes long after dating and romantic love has faded away. There are too many components for fulfillment in dating. Therefore, VV has no applicability with it.

        Re Q-2: I don’t understand. How does VV apply within marriage except to recover from husband cheating or a pending divorce?

        Guy

        • Girl

          Thank you! That helped clarify it for me; especially this: “Sexual fulfillment comes long after dating and romantic love has faded away.”

  9. A.GuyMaligned

    Your Highness Dawn,

    My blog and Maslow differ as to purpose. He looks at results and of perfecting the art of living, while I describe the motivational forces that enable success in the living process. Maslow is broader and focuses on end-results. I go deeper and provide details to achieve and satisfy one’s self-interest.

    His Hierarchy of Needs describes basic and psychological needs, and then adds what people achieve beyond those needs. Self-actualization is an accumulation of qualities cited as ideals. For example, you cite that Mother Teresa and Albert Schweitzer are considered to have been self-actualized. If so, it was the end result of motivational forces aimed at taking them elsewhere. What they did out of superior respect for other people and their God produced whatever self-actualization they felt.

    So, if someone seeks self-actualization, let them duplicate what MT and AS did before they achieved or found themselves self-actualized. In fact, self-actualization comes from the compilation and accumulation of mini-qualities that enable and build up to perfect self-actualized qualities. For example, it takes a lot of experience to achieve “efficient perceptions of reality.” Or, a lot of practice to become “alive, engaged, and spontaneous.” You’ll find this blog describes the kind of motivational forces that help produce those mini-qualities.

    Self-actualization is the hope and dream of many people. However, such personal quests induce them to take the totally self-actualized person to be perfect; the less actualized as imperfect. My experience shows that the pursuit of perfection is the cruise to continual disappointment. The one striving to self-actualize chases the ‘whats’ of perfection with too little focus on the ‘hows’ to build success upon success.

    Having been associated with Maslow’s work for over 45 years, I find that it misleads people into the pursuit of unattainable perfection. People have either to already possess or earn the qualities of self-actualization. If they possess one or more of the qualities, it’s already part of other aspects of their lives. To earn it, they turn inward, expand their self-centeredness, and shape their self-interest to compete against others, often harshly.

    I have no problem with self-actualization as a model for identifying and understanding personalities. I don’t think anything in the blog prevents self-identified self-actualizers from claiming it for themselves.

    Guy

  10. Girl

    “Sexual fulfillment has to find him. When it happens, it keeps him focused on whoever provides it. Fulfilling a man sexually makes a woman’s shortcomings overlookable and her faults forgivable and easily forgettable.”

    Sir Guy,

    How is a man to know, guess, or be assured that he will have (married) sexual fulfillment with a woman he does not have sex with before marriage? Seems a huge risk for him. And her, for that matter. Please do not interpret this question as argument for premarital sex. It’s not. Perhaps this question is… I don’t know… coming from a misguided place… but I’m just thinking of all of those terms I’ve heard thrown about by men, or in the media, or whatever: “cold fish” versus “great in bed.” How is a man to know/guess which he might be getting if he doesn’t sample the menu? Honestly, that’s a real question; not a veiled attempt at Socraticism. Are there clues he gets that helps him determine what he may be getting?

    Thank you.

    Your Highness Girl,

    You pay too much attention to what men say and not what they do. Except for dependable regularity, sex has very little influence in men determining to marry. They may brag that it does, but they have two reasons: (1) It keeps from exposing their true feelings. (2) It helps talk women into bed.

    Men marry for the PROMISE they see in a woman for supporting and helping in their future endeavors. Self-interest always outweighs love to the male nature. Women can successfully intertwine love and self-interest but men need the proper stimulus, THE PROMISE HE SEES IN HER.

    Guy

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