They Differ on Love
Part II cited the kinds of love and some natural motivational principles that both help and interfere with love, life, and everything else. We proceed with sex differences that determine many of love’s outcomes.
- The need for self-admiration motivates men to finish what they start. The admiration of others adds to but doesn’t satisfy a man’s need. He’s oriented around the present. His need for self-admiration centers on earning it with his handiness, hardiness, hard work, and daily goals a.k.a. producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. He daily earns satisfaction for his effort. He expects to rest and recover because a satisfied need no longer motivates.
- The need for self-importance motivates women to do all that they do. With confirmation of a woman’s importance by others of importance to her, her need becomes fully satisfied. Just as with men, a satisfied need no longer motivates; however, a woman’s need of self-importance never becomes totally satisfied, because others of importance to her may not see it her way (she imagines). She’s continually prompted to do more and keeps working or busy throughout each day to shape her tomorrows. The brighter with the help of others she makes her future, the more important she is to herself.
- Females are born with the ability to love someone else, and the expectation that they will be loved. The process of delivering their love raises the expectation that they deserve to be loved in return. But women have another self-serving blessing, if they use it. Born knowing they are pretty, their prettiness becomes an extra gift when they love a man, and women expect to be more deserving for it. (Unfortunately, modern wives find that what they deserve and what they receive don’t match. When they expect the intensity and excitement of their love to be matched by husband’s, they find disappointment. Men love differently and expect to see the pretty side of their wives’ attractiveness as ever present. Modern wives, however, don’t want to pay that price; they hide their prettiness behind curtains of unattractive, unappealing, but trouble-free apparel and grooming.)
- Males are not born with the ability to love someone else; they gain the ability by learning to love themselves. This happens by accomplishing goals and achieving what they set out to do. They test their interests in toddlerhood, prove their ability en route to puberty, refine their efforts in adolescence, and reinforce their mastery in adulthood. (Boys who escape converting those endeavors into habits of success never learn to love themselves or others.)
- The foundation of a man’s love is respect for the love object—whether woman, hobby, job, ideology, religion, or whatever—and the belief that he’s a better person to himself for associating with it.
- To female eyes, women are loveable because they are pretty and deliver love, and men are loveable because they both enable and help make a woman feel important.
- To male eyes, men are loveable because they are hardy, handy, and sexually proficient. Women are loveable because they are attractive, likeable, respectful, grateful, pleasant, modest, mysterious, respectable, and important for a man’s daily rest and recovery. They’re extra loveable too by being chaste for one man, sexually on call for him only, and highly admiring of his sexual performance.
- Women love, believe in, and respect a man in that order. Men reverse the order. A man respects a woman for being different and unique in many ways, believes in the promise she holds for him, and loves the attractiveness, likeability, and comfort that comes when he associates with her. A woman loves a man because she has to love someone and she makes her mate the best available by convincing herself he’s the best as she grooms his persona from Mr. GoodEnough into Mr. Right. (Wives spend their married lives in that grooming process. Unfortunately, many see lack of progress as fault of their husband rather than their own inexperience and marital under-development. Instead of living with frustrated anger, self-induced pressure makes wife shift blame to husband and their marriage begins to crumble as she perceives him as less than the best for her.)
- A man’s love is fueled by the intensity of his character, personality, and ambition. A woman’s love is fueled by the intensity of her dependency on her man. (However, if a woman’s goes too far and into desperation, his respect declines and love soon follows. A man won’t live long with a desperate woman; he doesn’t know how to ‘fix’ her problems, and men are self-pressured to depart when they face that dilemma.)
- Boys primarily base relationships on respect and girls on love. Girls have the ability to love and easily demonstrate it until they figure they shouldn’t. Boys have the ability to respect someone and usually do it quietly until they figure they shouldn’t.
- Boys sense they don’t deserve to be loved. Respected yes, but not loved. The sense intensifies proportionately as years pass after toddlerhood. Additionally, neither boys nor men appreciate unearned gifts. Thus, when females provide gifts or otherwise show their love which the boy or man feels he has not earned, he does not receive it as females expect and it often backfires on the giver. (It’s why a long courtship works so well; he spends so much time earning her hand that he senses he deserves her love. It’s also why boys are so easily spoiled by trying to buy good behavior with rewards; they know they’ve not earned whatever they’re given.)
As if a gravitational pull, the female nature keeps women well-grounded for loving. The male nature keeps men eager to start up and admire personal accomplishments.* She wants to be shown and hopefully showered with his affection. It’s the epitome of reward for her as she tries frequently to prove her importance to him. However, a man’s love, as women hope to see it expressed, is grounded on his personal habits. Girls express their feelings easily, and boys don’t. Projecting affection is almost alien to the male nature; men must be taught for it to become habitual. If not taught in childhood, women have only one opportunity to teach their man and overcome his natural reluctance for showing affection—a long courtship before they first have sex together. (It’s a story described elsewhere on the blog.)
The next post describes how boys are taught and form female-friendly habits to display affection for females.
*Unfortunately, many modern men see personal accomplishment in doing nothing, dodging responsibility, and erasing their dependability. It cancels their worth for loving themselves, others, and even their mates.