1785. Sex Difference Redux—Part 39: Cheater’s Redemption, Game Plan


Wives need a ‘game plan’ to restore a cheating husband to wife and home exclusively. I write this for shattered wives to use as it best fits their needs and family situation.

ASSUMPTIONS

You wish to restore your marriage, provided that husband is willing and able to be faithful in the future. A man won’t return permanently to the same woman on whom he cheated. You have to change who you are and what you do. The most natural and productive changes are those that make husband see his bride restored to her former self.

You have studied the previous post 1884 and given yourself a mental makeover. If you haven’t, you probably won’t have the courage to take full advantage of what follows below.

You can figure out what will work for you. As the relationship expert, you’re quite capable so long as you expect nothing but future faithfulness from him. You can’t make or ‘motivate’ him to return his heart to you and home. He must motivate himself; otherwise, he won’t be sincere or his change of heart permanent.

DIAGNOSIS

He married expecting you not to change, but you probably did. Your courtship persona morphed into ‘someone else’. Perhaps someone he doesn’t recognize much less want to know. He married expecting not to change himself, which leaves three options for the pressures that led to his finding an interest outside your home:

  1. Even before marriage he was prone to cheat. Character flaws made it inevitable, but you can’t help that. You didn’t choose wisely. Consequently, recovery will be tough. He fuels his need for self-admiration with sexual adventures. His self-respect and sense of significance also depend on his ability even more than his success with other women. Vow-keeping and integrity are not part of his character makeup. He may in fact be unworthy of you. Only you can decide if he’s worth restoring and keeping.
  2. You tried to change him and succeeded. Perhaps you ‘mothered’ him. His self-respect declined and his need for self-admiration became frustrated. Consequently, he looks elsewhere to solidify his sense of significance. His return depends on your ability to identify and stop whatever pressures you previously imposed.
  3. You tried to change him, and he rejected it. Whether trying to mother him or not, your continual attempts made you unlikeable as a mate. You need to restore your courtship persona and become once again the woman he married.
  4. You can argue that none of those apply in your case. If so, then I suspect you conclude as both truthful and complete whatever husband declares as his reasons. Keep this in mind: Never trust what someone says motivates them. It doesn’t mean they aren’t truthful but you never can know their full story. So, believe them if you wish, but never base what you do exclusively on what they tell you.

Pressures from one or more of those alternatives plague many marriages. The ‘game plan’ that follows is more generic and fits whatever a wife likely faces.

SITUATION

You have a competitor(s) to beat, but sex is the last thing at which you have to beat her (or them). You have many more ways to support and uphold husband’s needs, wants, and drives.

Consider this as a reliable predictor of your future: Men do whatever women require in order to have frequent and convenient access to sex. Men don’t cheat to have sex. They have sex elsewhere to restore, reclaim, or reinforce the great need for self-admiration that they lack at home.

Being on the road to restoring husband to fidelity, you have put yourself in charge of your life. Your first step should be this: forgive previous mistakes, both his, yours, and his lover(s). You can’t restore what’s already broken, so recover by shaping the present such that it pushes the dark past out of future thoughts. If you can’t forgive his cheating and your mistakes, you’ll never forget them and be plagued the rest of your life with relationship-destructive thoughts. Your future peace of mind depends on forgiving everyone involved, so start at the beginning of trying to recapture his devotion. (So, what if he cheats again? Life is all about recovering from mistakes. You’ll be better prepared the next time.)

Your second step should commit you to this primary strategy: No sex until he renews marital vows in a formal ceremony witnessed by friends and family. Don’t disclose or demand vow renewal. Let him find ways to please you. Let him earn you while you earn his respect as person, potential wife, mother, and mate. Let him learn of your vow-renewal intentions through indirectness and seed planting so it becomes his idea. Let him see you change; not as bribery or tradeoff but as woman capable of being a good wife—except for sex and associated activities, of course. Refuse sex until you get everything you want. If he won’t give enough of himself without your yielding sex, he doesn’t consider you worthy of his allegiance now and fidelity in the future.

Your third step should commit you to making yourself appear in his eyes as the ideal woman but not a wife. The ideal woman he chose to marry, the woman that ideally respected and admired him so diligently, the woman that ideally convinced him that he was and will always be the most important cog in her wheel of life, the woman that he envisioned as the ideal wife during courtship. (Don’t act as a wife. Don’t dote on him, don’t support, serve, or care for him as a wife does. Replace your wifely inclinations with independent behaviors that exclude him. If you act like a wife, he will see the same woman he cheated on.)

No guarantee but the current pressures you and he sense are the best base from which to work. You can and must figure out what will work best for you and provide what will motivate him to buy back into your marital contract and interest. You’ll win when he sees that rewards for husbanding and fathering and your ideal ‘wifeing’ provide him more self-admiration than sex outside the home.

ACTIONS

The following are additional steps needed to restore his heart to that of non-cheater. You’re trying to teach him that his self-admiration soars with his accomplishments in the home and your admiration of him soars when he demonstrates masculine virtue and domestic responsibility. It all serves to provide opportunity to admire and tell him so with actions more than words.

You do all the work and change yourself. He can be expected to respond to your actions. He’s not totally predictable. You’ll be ‘playing by ear’ but his reactions will likely be beneficial to restoring your marriage. We’ll start with some ‘DON’Ts and with some DOs to follow.

  • DON’T forget the role that forgiveness plays. You have forgiven him, her, and yourself, so forget the past. Nothing matters but the future, not even today. Keep your hurts to yourself. You intend to create and shape a new life so dream about future success instead of present miseries.
  • DON’T tell him of your game plan. Don’t complain and don’t explain, and don’t disclose your strategy to anyone else either. Keep your own counsel. (Well, perhaps one female friend who encourages rather than offers advice.)
  • DON’T set boundaries to guide him back to your good graces. Make him discover your expectations.
  • DON’T make anything conditional on him giving up the other woman/women; just ignore it and don’t fret if he continues. It’s just a deeper hole from which he must climb. Make him see that he has to choose whether his woman is you or her or them. He can’t have two women, if one is you. I know it’s tough, but you must make the character-changing battle occur in his heart and not between the two of you.
  • DON’T nag, criticize, or demean him. If something needs doing, remind him once, leave the WHEN of it up to him, and don’t tell him HOW to do anything—not even how to pin a diaper—unless he asks. Remember, what he accomplishes leads to self-admiration, and when he accomplishes something for you, it makes you more valuable to him.
  • DON’T find any fault with him; at least don’t mention or even suggest it with non-verbals or body language. Let his conscience sit unmolested astride his behavior.
  • DON’T try to convince him with words. Refuse to argue with him. Your words only feed his imagination to prove you wrong or him right. Expect nothing from him, but judge his ‘progress’ by how he reacts to your actions. When he starts trying to please you more, you’re playing your cards correctly. But don’t let that weaken your determination.

Now let’s look at a baker’s dozen of DOs. They aren’t mandates but wifely tactics designed to optimize compatibility within a divided couple.

  1. Admire him for those things he does for you and family. Indirectness works better than directness; what he concludes is more actionable for him than what you describe. Show him patience that he’s never seen before.  Find new ways to isolate admirable behaviors and tell him. However, don’t be too deferential or submissive or act as if you’re begging. Being independent on one hand and admiring him on the other also intrigues him.
  2. Continue to show respect and gratitude for who he is and what he does as a responsible family member. When his sense of significance is strengthened around job, home, and family instead of adolescence, sexual prowess, or adventurism, then he will stop wandering from home. Positive reinforcement works best and earns you credit for changing into a more likeable and prospective mate.
  3. Deliver with actions what he considers rewards for husbanding and fathering. You can learn to figure out the rewards most likely to work .
  4. Since you’ve already forgiven everyone concerned, your anger will have left you. Ignore his anger. Provide no feedback when he tries to rattle your cage, shake your confidence, and dominate your thoughts. Let him learn that anger and raising of the voice gets the absence of feedback from you. Shrug your shoulders as if you always refuse to deal with an angry person, which at the time just happens to be him. (IOW, demo that you stand by your principles regardless of who you are dealing with.)
  5. Judge him and his progress by his actions alone and not his words, promises, or especially verbal endearments.
  6. Keep your kids totally UNINVOLVED with what’s happening. If they inquire, discourage their interest. Also, allay any fears that may enter their minds about divorce. But, again, don’t complain and don’t explain anything but the absolute least to calm fears. If he recruits the kids to his side, refuse to talk with them about your husband who just happens to be their father. Make your business none of their business, mates’ business none of a child’s business—even if kids are grown. They just have to wait to see the outcome of their parents’ current business.
  7. Let husband eat what you cook and take you on dates or to church (if his idea). However, except as he initiates in ways that please you, live separate lives under the same roof. Associate as it pleases you or as practical to make home life continue uninterrupted for the kids.
  8. Even if he pleads, treat all interaction as strictly business and never bring up the subject of sex or his outside behavior. Being silent about something so important intrigues him, stirs his curiosity, and stimulates his imagination to focus more on pleasing you to determine what you’re after.
  9. Put yourself assertively in control of your plans, actions, and resolute determination. The better you do it, the more that depression will ease up or never inflict you. The more pleasant you do it, the more intrigued he becomes about what he’s lost in you.
  10. Re-establish yourself as a modest woman, unique in thought, and mysterious in attitude. You can’t expect him to buy back into you as his respected mate if you’re the same woman on whom he cheated.
  11. Re-evaluate the conditions that existed in the early days of your marriage. Other than cheating, how did he respect you? How did he show it? How did you respect him? How did you show it? You were obviously likeable in his eyes; so restore yourself to that persona.
  12. Shift into direct competition and confrontation only on one issue: his having sex with you. If he deserves and his actions please you, reward him with hugs and kisses. Don’t let him get you in passionate situations where you might cave.
  13. Always refuse sex but leave him with hope. Develop polite ways to resist with cheerful but firm determination. Without demanding it, let him court his way back into your good graces. Yield once and you’ve lost; he knows he doesn’t have to change.

You can expect a better relationship when husband sees that responsible husbanding and fathering provide him with more respect, self-admiration, and enhanced sense of significance than does sex outside the home.

Of course, all the above is too general. I expect that I stand chastised as usual. You wish I had cited examples for each of the points above. It would make it easier for you. So, I have redesigned this series and will continue tomorrow with a few daily articles that describe why, what, and how I would deal with a cheating husband—if I were his wife.

22 Comments

Filed under sex differences

22 responses to “1785. Sex Difference Redux—Part 39: Cheater’s Redemption, Game Plan

  1. anonymous

    Very explanatory article, although I hope I never have use for it. Unfortunately, I predict that infidelity will only increase over the next decade. Why? In conversation with my 21 year old female friends, the topic of character never comes up when talking about potential boyfriends. They focus on how the guy makes them feel in the present and seem to be incapable (or unwilling) of ranking qualities that make a good husband/father such as character and integrity over those that turn them on such as handsomeness or elusiveness. My friends have no interest in guys who treat them nicely. They consider nice guys, “sketchy”. Instead, they are attracted to guys with adolescent values. And I’ve watched it happen over the last 3 years: the nice guys notice adolescent ‘boys’ getting the girls, and so they follow suite. As Guy says, as females go so goes society.The guys reap self admiration and peer admiration from bedding girls with no strings attached. This is during their most malleable years so it’s doubtful that they will change back after college, but I hope I’m wrong.

    Your Highness Anonymous,
    Thanks for the clearly described observation of today’s cultural trend. You’ve gained far more wisdom in college than most young people do.
    Guy

  2. mYstiQue

    I’m GLAD at least SOME YOUNG GIRLS are starting to think. The best thing for girls to be, if they arent already is to stay virgins. Many of these sexual diseases are getting worse~the drugs are starting to have no effect. Even the NEW YORK TIMES with the Death of Chivary..like i said on another thread is starting to see what is happening~~many women are angry about the article~~but young girls who want the MRS degree arent. At least someone in the mainstream who isnt necesarily ‘right wing’is mentioning it

  3. Lin

    Sir Guy, I guess I’m off topic here but I didn’t know where to place this question.
    When a man is over the age of 45 and up (late 40s and early to mid 50s and has never being married or had children what clues does this give about him. Example, he may be an alpha male or….. Please help me decipher this. Thanks as always.

    Your Highness Lin,

    Look for red flags such as:

    + Too strong a connection with or dependence on his mother.

    + Easy irritation at children.

    + Quick temper when undeserved by ‘normal’ people.

    + Quick to anger at poor service in restaurants.

    + Lack of respect for others, particular those of lower social status.

    + Overbearing alpha-acting.

    + Inability to judge other people harshly.

    You can uncover in yourself many other traits that fly red flags. Trust yourself to ID your own red flags. It really doesn’t matter what kind of persona he might fill in life, what would be your reaction were you married to him and he acted the way he acts.

    Guy

  4. Mandi

    Thanks Guy for posting these articles, I greatly appreciate it and helps me so much. My journal is going great and well hidden from prying eyes :). I look forward to your follow ups with the whats, whys, etc…. to come. Thank you so much for your guidance, I greatly appreciate it.
    Mandi

  5. Mandi

    Guy,

    Should I allow him to use our car because we only have one together when he leaves at night, instead of her coming to pick him up at our house on the nights he stays with her? Or is this going to far? Because I’m trying to forgive both of them and move forward with the present, because I don’t want to feel like I’m mothering him by telling him he can’t use our car, but how do I not feel it as a sign of disrespect either?

    Your Highness Mandi,
    You say ‘”our” car. Do you share it for errands, etc.? Why concern yourself, unless you need it at night or early the next morning? Why make it a bone of contention if you can gain nothing by doing so?
    Guy

  6. Mandi

    You are right.Thanks

  7. Mandi

    Do I say anything about me not wanting him to take her out in our car or just forget all about it when he leaves and say nothing? Because he is so nice one minute and then so distant and rude almost the next and not wanting to be bothered and runs upstairs to hide in the bathroom to be on the phone with her. Should I flat out ask him if he doesn’t want out marriage to work or never say that again? Because I have asked a few times in the past, and if he has feelings for her and about a month ago he said he doesn’t care about her but then he is constantly on the phone with her so I know it’s more than what he says it is. I just need to learn how to put them out of my mind as the affair and learn to just focus on being myself and the girl I was before. But I always was with him and chased him and then he settled down and he has always been in control of me to a certain extent but then not in other areas.

    Your Highness Mandi,

    Your problems started here: “I always was with him and chased him….” When you chased him, you lost or never gained his respect. It accounts for the way he treats you disrespectfully, rudely, abruptly.

    Your problems continue here: “I just need to learn how to put them out of my mind….” You can’t just quit thinking about them, you must find other ways to occupy your mind and unrelated actions work best.

    As to the car and future of your marriage, ask him nothing. When he knows how, why, and what you think about, he knows how to treat you and get his way to his satisfaction.

    You can expect no progress until he figures out that you know something or do something he’s not prepared for. That means you have to appear differently in manner, habits, thoughts, and interests that spook him into paying more attention to you to see what he’s missing.

    Guy

    • Kaikou

      Mandi,

      I don’t know what to say to your last question, but I have been following your situation since your last post. Might I suggest getting busy? Church, walk at the park, yoga, or reading at the library? It sounds like you need a distraction. I know you just started a new job and I think you have kids, but you need me time. Also coming home to an adolescent husband and that energy in the house is probably overwhelming. Think of Sir Guy’s quote: “You can’t change anything you don’t intend too” (something like that). Sorry if I am out of line here I know I am young, but I am also a thinker and worrier like you. It always helps to stay busy. And if you are, just disregard my statement here.

      Lady Kaikou

      • Mandi

        You’re fine. I definitely need to find more things to stay busy with but I really have made my whole life around my family and extended family who I have tried to distance from for a while, plus they give me negative advice that I have learned to finally tune out after finding Mr. Guy’s great articles and guidance, and plus I rarely go out because my husband has always been pretty controlling so I have ended up just giving up on going out with friends because it wasn’t worth the fight, but it also gave him and I a lot of quality time together that was mostly positive. It was like I was a free spirit until I met my husband and then it became all about him and yeah it’s pretty much been all about pleasing him and allowing him to run the roost in most areas, but he looked to me to run the household mostly though which lead me into a motherly role which I never wanted to be that with my husband. I know he has always tried to love me and show me respect in some ways but it has always been more important for him to be first even with us having 3 children total but only 2 our between the two of us that live at home with us, but I have always seen such greatness in him and know he can at times be such a good man that’s why I fell in love with him. So I really don’t know how to do some of the things considered as being more like the woman he dated than the woman he married because I am always cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, working now and taking care of the children and really don’t have much of a social life other than running errands unfortunately, but I have been making time to go the gym so that’s at least one thing that gets me out of the house for some me time 🙂 So down time is just relaxing and watching tv after I’m all done. But I had been tending to hang out with him any time he is in our bedroom, and sometimes he wants to talk, other times very rude and ignores me and disrespectfully is on the phone with her in front of me. So I walk away but very disappointed. So I definitely need to figure out how to do Mr. Guy’s Shock and Awe approach because I’m definitely a worrier and my mind takes over and I always think the worst right now, even though I’m normally a very positive person and very optimistic, so I hate that I have let this consume my thoughts constantly. I am trying to learn how to forgive both of them while it’s still continuing and how to not be fearful of losing him because I know Mr. Guy’s quote above says it all and is so very true. Because sometimes I try to look at myself and say all the positive things about me and that I know I deserve to be treated with respect and have finally learned how to forgive myself for the mistakes I made after I excepted responsibility of course for my wrong doings but I’m not sorry any more because I made the amends with God and myself. I feel like it didn’t take long for me to get back to the woman I was before with once again doing all the things for taking care of myself body and beauty wise and the respect for my family, but the affair is what has me so out of balance and it’s almost like at times he makes me feel so uncomfortable around him, and he seems uncomfortable at times and I just want to break the ice but nothing I say matters and ends up making it worst so I’ve been trying to keep it light and simple, but I do get frustrated and then impatient when he doesn’t respond in the way I would hope, So it is definitely imperative that I follow Mr. Guy’s guidance and I’m not sure how long it will take to see any results but I have to be patient because it took a while for us to get to this point, so I can’t expect a miracle to happen so quickly either :). Plus I have definitely have to give myself the mental make over because we will have no future if I allow the thoughts to continue in my mind. Thanks for caring I appreciate it.

        • soloduckgrowingup

          Your Highness Mandi, here’s what I feel or sense you should aim towards knowing that your pain and self condemnation make this very very difficult.
          1. At this point forget about consciously seeking to forgive him just because you know that forgiveness of him will be necessary eventually. Forget about him.
          2. At this point, only continue to seek to forgive yourself because this will lead to greater self respect and self respect is what you’re aiming for. How do you revamp you’re self respect (question mark). As Lady Kaikou suggests, it is through actions that are motivated by a desire to be good to you, not to him and especially not to your relationship (as it is now). This will come later when he demonstrates enough through his own actions that he is devoted to you.
          3. Your attitude towards him in your own mind (whether or not he is physically present), in line with practising self respect, needs to be one where you feel something approximating indifference. Indifference may not be quite the right word; what you need to feel (and as Sir Guy says fake until you begin to feel if necessary) is that you don’t care what he does or says but without malice towards him or self hate of yourself. How do you get there (question mark).
          3. Start with actions for yourself. I don’t know how old your children are but if they are young then take them with you on the weekends. Some things I can think of besides the gym and when you are not at work- go to a coffee shop, take a book and read and drink coffees\hot chocs, do this every day you are not working and in the evenings if you can, do it regularly at any rate, have a routine. You could even get a baby sitter say for two evenings a week, if your children are small. If the car is there take it, if it is not use public transport if that is possible or get a taxi. I’ve suggested this because it is what I like to do but you can do hwat you enjoy. Try diffrent things if you are unsure what it is that you enjoy owing to your previous relationship with your husband. Here’s some other things I can think of- browsing book shops; having a meal at a food hall or somewhere else less formal and more slap dash than a restaurant (which often have couples dining); browsing some markets; going to the library (as Lady Kaikous said); maybe going to a swimming pool and even if you don’t swim you can read and relax there; go to the movies.
          4. Overall, establish a routine designed only to please youself. This begins every morning before anyone else is up with pretty time then work or planned activities for the day and ends with a nice bath and nightie, having made arrangements in the evening if necessary for the children so you can be sure of being able to do what you have planned for the next day and evening. If you have small children this will take ALOT of planning, if you don’t it will still take alot of planning especially of your mindset is stuck on the question of seeking to forgive him and her instead of forgiving yourself or if you are depressed or angry.
          5. Ok. Now for the background setting in your home. If you haven’t already done so, move out of the main bedroom and set up a nice cosy sleeping place for yourself, make it nice. If you have no spare room, I’d suggest moving the children into one room to share if they are young (say bother under the age of 5). If the children are older than 5 then is there a study (even if he uses it) that you can use. Move his things respectfully into your old bedroom and when he asks don’t complain or explain, you simply state that you are setting up your bedroom, do not react to any raging on his part (If he gets physically violent there must be people on here who would have suggestions – I don’t feel qualified to suggest anything in that realm). If there is no study then rearrrange the lounge room, hang a curtain as a boundary to your new bedroom and set it up nice and comfy with a good matrees, clothes rack, small bookshelf and reading lamp. If or when the children ask you say that this is adult business, you love them the same as always-it is important that these are not empty words so you need to treat the childfen with a respectful attitude but quietly block their attempts with ‘this is an adult matter and has nothing to do with you’ – this also has the effect of showing the children that you respect yourself because these are your private, grown up matters that do not concern them and you will not have them prying.
          6.Extend your routine to domestic duties in your home. So washing at this time, on this day, cleaning at this time on this day, children’s meals and your meals on these nights, baby sitter does meals on these nights while you eat out, help with homework at these times on these days etc. In all of these domestic routines husband does not figure, that includes cooking meals for him. You live your life as if he is a housemate with his own life whom you are not responsible for. Again if he asks or rages, you don’t complain or explain. I know intuitively the attitude that Guy is getting at but he has an ability to provide example of how to address husband when he asks what you are doing.
          7. You ignore husband’s words and carry on with your life. He will only figure in your world when you are satisfied way down the track that he has devoted himself to you through his respectful actions. It is at this point that you may forgive him. Right now you may through actions for yourself be able to forget him. Husband may move out, so be it, ignore it. Nothing will get better for you until you seek self respect. Self respect will not come without action.

          What i’ve written is very long but it is what came to mind when I read you last post. Be brave and strong and don’t procrastinate on making your life better, worrying about trying to forgive him and her is another way of disrespecting yourself and procrastinating caring for yourself.

          Your Highness Soloduckgrowingup,
          Thanks. I love when pretty women convert my man-think into woman-think.
          Guy

    • Anne

      Have you heard the saying

      “Watch what you think, it becomes what you say
      Watch what you say it becomes what you do… etc”?

      It makes me think no good can come from asking questions that directly require your husband to *think* potentially-negative thoughts about your marriage (while weighing his answer to questions like “do you love her” and “is there hope for our marriage,” etc.)… then he has to *say* his answer… and finally he may be more motivated to *act* in a way you don’t like than he was before you asked the question. I am thinking you only want to ask him to think/talk about things you KNOW will draw his mind to positives…

      Your Highness Anne,
      You give good examples of what wife should NOT ask: “Do you love her? Is there hope for our marriage?”
      Guy

  8. soloduckgrowingup

    I forgot to add that I think you are right to not seek advice from extended family, and probably many of your friends or aquaintances. When you see these people you talk about your life – ie the books you read, where you ate, the coffee shop you went to, the children’s school, your work. When family or friends ask ignore and change the subject. If they are too persistant then don’t see them. You will have to take actions to gain self respect on your own and if you make new aquaintances in the process you don’t talk about him or her just your own life (as defined here by what you do for yourself) and your children.

  9. soloduckgrowingup

    Is there anyway you could get yourself your own car if you feel this would help in establishing autonomy from husband. Could you budget for it, because I agree with Guy that there is no point in making the car a bone of contention if it is not, however if ithas the potential to be, I feel that it is most important that it does not become something to argue over. To his mind it could help justify his leaving as you will be showing him something other than indiffirence and that you need his permission or benevolence over something.

  10. Mandi

    Thanks soloduckgrowingup. I appreciate you responding. Unfortunately another car is not in the budget but he does not usually leave until late in the evening but earlier on the wknds depending on her work schedule, and I usually do not go out because I just am always home with the kids. My son is 9 and daughter is 4. We do have 3 bedrooms so I can definitely set up my spare room upstairs in my daughters room with her. My son is definitely very prying so I have just told him it’s adult business and just stuck to that, even though he is very angry at his father, I try to reassure him when he expresses the anger or with words towards his dad that it will be okay and his dad loves him very much even though his dad has always been somewhat of an absent parent for him even when everything was fine between us which caused tension between the 2 of us, but after reading some other articles of Guy’s I have realized what the father’s role is and the mother’s role. IF he asks to eat the dinner I have cooked I allow him to eat it. With doing laundry I do all of the laundry, so should I stop doing his laundry? I guess my concern is with treating him like a housemate that is what caused him to go seek out this other girl, so I need to figure out how to balance being the happy woman I have been becoming slowly with doing things for myself and children again, and not that I am working it has helped build my self esteem slowly again. Thank you for everything.

    Mandi

  11. Josie

    What is the shock and awe? How do I do that with my husband?

    Your Highness Josie,
    Shock and awe are described in the previous article, 1784, in the section titled Plan of Action. You’ll have to figure out how to make it work with husband. My articles are founded strictly on the male and female natures and not how people act when they have reason to do other than follow their nature.
    Guy

  12. Joan

    My husband had an emotional affair with an 18 year old girl (in his early 50s). I discovered the daily long emails that were affectionately signed by both and he was flattering her constantly. I found them three days before a party where I watched and listened to them talk and he made a weekend “coffee” date with her. We got to the car and I blew up…made him stop communication and he wrote her and told her he needed to concentrate on his marriage. It has been two years of hell. He mourned her from afar and kept following her on the Internet but lying about doing that to the counselor and me. She would occasionally show up at church and he tried to talk with her once because he could not stand being ignored. He still thinks the world of her and says she was so interesting and is curious about her college life etc. he is more interested In her college career than our daughter’s and they are friends. All of this has been a huge secret because he said I would have been vengeful if I had told anyone. Of course this has been hard. He told me he was smitten with her…infatuated.. She made him feel valued because she looked up to him. He has had career problems for years and doesn’t have a good job nor success and he is feeling old. This has been a nightmare for me. We are stil in counseling but also on his own for self esteem issues. Help. I don’t trust that he doesn’t still want to go look her up. I think she has daddy issues. But that is not how he feels about her. It feels like he is trying to downplay what he acted like to make me trust him so he can be friends with her again. I think I stopped something before something bad happened. Help.

    Your Highness Joan,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You’re into counseling so my inputs would make things worse. So, I won’t get involved. However, I will pass on this thought for whatever it’s worth. You see him as cheating but he does not (if they haven’t had sex). It’s a huge gap caused by the difference in the male and female natures. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

    Guy

  13. Emma

    I finally got to read the series and it makes total sense. After a few months of separation I now see how his strategy works best as oppose to the traditional method “talking things thru”. I have a few questions – maybe too specific so let me know if I am over thinking this.

    Husband had been gone for 8 months & dating the OW still. Not the first cheating but the first one that he left.

    – from post 1784- you stated wife must provide an incentive for him to come back. You nailed it, about two months ago he told me this. I assume it was about the OW. But now I understand that it was about us. He wants a diff women. Question- how does one know what the incentive is?
    – you mentioned one must take care of themselves and live life (restore the old self). I get it and doing that. Question – how does one know if is working? I usually get the miss you, still love you etc. but it doesn’t go further than that. Plus we don’t communicate only about the kids.
    – why ignore the OW? And realistically how does this play out? OW is crazy for him and will do anything & he knows it and likes it. I do think if I told him to come back he would, but that may not work long term.
    – I am assuming that wife should treat husband as a potential MR good enough and have him date before any conversation about future as a family happen. What happens when hubby refuses and thinks he can just come back? Let alone, not disclose his intentions?

    I may have some more questions but this is a starter.

    I have followed a lot of your advices and some work and some don’t. I may add that he thinks I am too independent and don’t need him. Would this be a reason why he is not coming back? I think it’s because he is having fun —-

    Awesome post I love when these types of Advices makes sense and are not what popular culture thinks but what is right for the Fam.

    Your Highness Emma,

    Here are some thoughts to float through your psyche. No magic, just ideas for you to use to your advantage.

    Five incentives for him to come back.

    1. Absolutely no sex with you. He left for lack of respect for you and your relationship. You have to re-earn his respect, and virtual virginity is the only way. (Read that series and you may find some good words to satisfy him.)

    2. A man’s love is expressed by his showing loyalty and providing his likeability to his loved one. In return, he expects to see (not hear) her loyalty to him plus her ‘persona’ that makes her likeable in his eyes. Persona means her likeability as a person, woman, mother, friend, lover, and all those other roles she fills in life. That’s what he SAW when he married you. That’s the incentive for him to return. Can you return to that as much as possible?

    3. Quit trying to talk him into anything. Don’t even mention the OW. She’s not between the two of you, just his fallback option. He’s still interested in you but conditions just ain’t right. OWs have a way of not completely fulfilling a man’s expectations.

    4. How do you know if what you are doing is working? Is the present relationship better than it was when he left. Good! Keep a stiff upper lip as my folks used to say. Stay the course as we used to say in the Navy. Be patient as God might say, His timing is always right. Hope and pray for the best and ignore the worst. Keep your spirits up regardless of what he does. Because of OW, you’re competing with him when you shouldn’t. Cooperate more. Show loyalty and demo likeability.

    5. Don’t blame him for anything. Men reject blame because it carries the female message “You should feel guilty.” Men don’t accept guilt except self-induced and then they either fix it or forget it. So act more like a wife than a woman.

    Darling, you have a lot to be grateful for. Find more of it and you’ll find more hope.

    Guy

    • Emma

      Fantastic / I am following through. No sex at all, let alone hugs or kisses. I do wonder how one gets to just having easy breezy conversations, at this point he won’t even address me unless he wants something – aka get in my pants. We don’t live together so the everyday communication has been non existence, mostly to my fault. He once mentioned that he wanted to spend more time and see me. I shut it down and hasn’t try since, mostly because I knew the OW was still there.

      This is a learning process and I keep a journal and pray, for the best – even if he doesn’t come back I am living my life. He has taken notice and complaints that I seem to enjoy my new found single life. Which is interesting, I don’t say anything and neither does he after his remarks.

      Thank you for all of your advise – I have a close male friend who think mostly along your lines, diff he thinks I should just tell him to come home 😉

    • Emma

      Question –
      Because of OW, you’re competing with him when you shouldn’t. Cooperate more. Show loyalty and demo likability. How does one demo this behavior when hubby wont even address basic issues. Just trying to see how this looks like.

      Sometimes I feel that I may try to hard to seem like I don’t care or feel entitled to stand for my respect and family values. He hasn’t showed much interest other than words. I sometimes wonder why….. maybe he wants to come back without doing the most work.

      Your Highness Emma,

      Those “basic issues” may be the heart of your difficulties. You insist on talking about them and he refuses. Just a thought. If so, how vital compared to a unified family, is it that you MUST talk about them? Can they be passed over at least for now?

      I also wonder what you intend by “come back without doing the most work.’?

      Guy

      • Emma

        Perhaps, I have tried too hard, when he tries to come back I questioned his reasons w/o giving him the opportunity to see me in a different light. He sees the same nag wife who wont forgive him. Its an interesting dynamic, when I want to talk he doesn’t and when he does I ignore him. He blames me for not talking and I blame him for not acting. I guess I am waiting for my white knight to come home and fix it, although it sounds nice it doesn’t jibe with reality.

        What I meant by my statement is that he is expecting me to call him and tell him to come home. He would gladly do so, I want more than that. I want to see that he wants me more than his freedom. 🙂

  14. Ilovethisblog

    Dear guy,

    What if the guy you’re dealing with has a baby mom and that which you are worried about them rekindling, is it a good idea to be in such a relationship? also if they have history of being together for over 6 years, and the break up is fresh. I question the jump, Because I’m worried.

    Your Highness Ilovethisblog,

    Pull back. Go cautious. Enable him to find his freedom to do what’s best for him. If he asks, send him back to baby’s mom permanently.

    If he seeks to return to you, make him start over winning your heart just as if you’d first met.

    You shouldn’t want him if he’s gonna spend his life with divided loyalty.

    Guy

    • Ilovethisblog

      Awesome advice! ^_^ the “pull back”, “go cautious” method was my first instinct initially. However I wonder what you mean though when you say “if he asks” ?

      Your Highness Ilovethisblog,
      If he asks WHY you “Pull back. Go cautious. Enable him to find his freedom to do what’s best for him.”
      Guy

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