1804. Sex Difference Redux—Part 54: They Differ on Devotion

Her Highness Loretta asked me to expand on a gender difference cited in post 736, “A man’s devotion to marriage is very different than his devotion to a woman.”

A woman marries expecting to be loved, which to her means recognition expressed by affection and appreciation expressed by words and actions that emanate from husband’s heart. A man is quite different. He marries on the promise he sees in a woman. He expects support, encouragement, comfort, respect, and dependence for providing/protecting plus his job and other obligations that make up his roles in life. In short, his present and short-range future appears promising with her alongside for those multiple roles. For example, he may have a legislative position, but he also has a role as politician. Or, he may be a garage mechanic, but as owner he’s the leader of his employees. Or, in addition to his regular job, he’s elected chairman of the home owner’s association. Or, he has obligations for his children living with their mother.

He becomes devoted to marriage by the return on his investment; he senses her appreciation and his self-admiration for filling the various roles as he feels obliged to do them. Thus, a man’s job isn’t his whole life outside the home, but his devotion to marriage depends on such things and a beneficial return for his effort. If his devotion crumbles, return on investment is ultimately measured against sacrifice of his independence.

Devotion to his wife revolves around the comfort, respect, fun, appreciation, and personal likeability that she injects into his life both in and out of the home. Direct love person-to-person is the basis of female love. Female devotion arises from her actions to please and undergird her man. Men love a woman more indirectly and devotion arises as he enjoys pleasing her needs and she responds as described in the paragraph above.

Love and devotion are much the same for women but not men. Home and a functioning marriage are much the same for women but not for men. Men see devotion and home as a functioning marriage with wife as the orchestrator of the harmony so vital to his success both in and out of the home. A man sees wife as the lucky benefactress of his endeavors, and loves her for the respect and appreciation she reflects back at him; it’s his most basic and important return on investment.

Loretta, you’re a newbie, so I’ll add some principles you may not have yet encountered. You probably have centered your thinking about so much apparent inequality in the descriptions above; females see equality as desirable and the way to measure their value relative to males. It’s a mistake; the overall effect lowers women to the level of men.

Struggling for equality discourages give and take. Valuing or chasing equality drives the sexes apart, because equality is impossible; as soon as you think you have it, someone finds another inequality. Seeking to resolve inequality pits men and women against one another in the competitive arena. Men avoid competing with women for fear of losing, and so they choose dominance to escape competitive battles. As male dominance becomes more necessary, women lose value to men. (Much as we see it in society today.)

On the other hand, the male nature gravitates away from equality and highly favors fairness, because it promotes give and take and is both attainable and sustainable. Generating fairness instead of pursuing equality keeps men and women out of the competitive arena. Fairness also encourages cooperation, an essential ingredient for marital success. Thus, fairness rather than equality elevates women to the dominating role and position in marriage. (The pursuit of spousal equality elevates men to the superior dominating role.)

Also, Loretta, you needn’t focus too much on devotion without also comparing it to commitment. You’ll find answers in CONTENTS page listed under “Commitment…”.


Filed under sex differences

4 responses to “1804. Sex Difference Redux—Part 54: They Differ on Devotion

  1. Sir…Thank you so much for expanding on this for me. I will be reading this again and again, as I find myself doing with the other articles!!

  2. MyFairLady

    I learn so much on this site, and can’t help but to wonder..what a blessing Sir Guy is to me.

    Your Highness MyFairLady,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

  3. Lin

    Sir Guy,
    What do you think about men who seem to have a lot of woman friends? Is this a red flag or not. I just started seeing someone like that and I am not sure if this is something I should take serious or not. Thanks.

    Your Highness Lin,

    That you even ask, raise the red flag. Oh, not for him but for yourself. His woman friends are your competitors, whether you know and accept it or not. As soon as one or more see your interest in him, their interest no matter how insignificant at the start will increase. Perhaps he’s not good enough for them, but someone will have a girlfriend more worthy than you. Therefore, if you associate with him, you ignite their competitive fires and someone starts pulling him back away from you.

    If you take the onramp to discover if he’s Mr. GoodEnough, you have to go down this road. Separate him from his lady friends. It may be a long test drive on an isolated road. If you can’t get him to commit to you exclusively for fun and games, and then devote himself to you exclusively in a dating sequence and courtship, then you have little to gain. After touring awhile with you down your screening road, if his total interest does not exclude his lady friends—except for minor and forgettable exceptions, of course—hoist the red flag for his loyalty or other connection to someone else.

    While cruising down that screening road, try to evaluate his ambitions for having “a lot of woman friends?” Try to determine what he got out of it. Did he associate with them for fun, mutual interest, or sex? Were they short- or long-term friends? Evaluate how he acted and reacted within the subjects of commitment and devotion. What turned him on to or away from those subjects? If he can’t or doesn’t commit or devote to friends—in the friendliest manner, that is—then he probably can’t or won’t do it with a wife.

    While on that road, trust your feminine intuition and female common sense about your own long-term future to guide you in hoisting and hauling down red flags. At every exit ramp you pass, you will instinctively know whether to exit or proceed with him in tow.


    P.S. I forgot this. You should make yourself very different from his friends in manner, style, and attractiveness. Greater feminine mystique, greater female modesty, greater dedication to marriage, more mainstream but classy appearance, and greater intention to preserve your virtual virginity. Men don’t marry the common but the uncommon woman.Your intuition will tell you if he sees you as common or uncommon, as promising for a mate or just booty.


  4. Lin

    Sir Guy, I am so grateful for your in depth reply to my question. You left no stone unturned.

    Truth is I really like this guy. As to your comment about common and uncommon, he clearly sees me as uncommon, I have no doubt about that, which is a good start, I guess. However I always remember your advice about being hard headed and learning to control one’s emotions. Your priceless advice will help me do just that. Thank you so much!

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