1806. Sex Difference Redux— Part 56: Turn Gratitude into Mutual Respect

I postpone until tomorrow the ten prime motivators mentioned yesterday in post 1805. I interrupt with newly identified connections to enhance the relationship expertise of women. Every woman can do what follows, and I would appreciate comment from wives who have seen it work perhaps in one or a few instances in their lives.

But first, let’s look at a natural vulnerability in men. The masculine heart doesn’t appreciate unearned gifts, even verbal compliments. Being undeserved, such gifts can’t be appreciated. The male subconscious mind either sees no value or wishes such unearned gifts were deserved so he could appreciate them. Repeated instances of admiration (not adoration) challenge his heart to rise up and more deliberately earn and thus deserve them. As he learns to accept and appreciate more and more admiration, he deliberately changes
his behavior so that he earns what he expects to receive. That is, he works harder to be admired more.

So, how do you unmarried ladies and wives capitalize on that male vulnerability?

  1. Find gratitude in everything about husband, marriage, yourself, and life. (Even fake it until you make it, because the most readable sincerity comes after you make it habitual in you.) For each ounce of gratefulness you identify, you will receive at least that much personal satisfaction and sense of importance with the potential to produce pounds of personal happiness. (If you can’t seem to stay focused on finding gratitude, start a journal and record ONLY your successes.)
  2. For every ounce of gratitude that you express for who and what husband is and does, you will receive a pound of his appreciation for who and what you are and do. (How can anyone not appreciate someone who values them so much as to both be grateful and consistently express it?) Thus, by merely expressing your gratitude appreciatively, you receive his appreciation which automatically becomes mutual and the source of mutual respect.
  3. With your gratitude and his appreciation, the resulting mutual appreciation morphs into mutual respect. Almost without being aware, mutual respect calms the critical senses within both wife and husband. Both learn to be more pleasant with the other, more appreciative of the other’s presence, and more intent of not rocking their marital boat. Thus, marital stability floats on a sea of mutual respect that begins with the gratefulness that wife finds and converts to admiration for husband and appreciation for their life together.
  4. Out of continual success in all of the above, wife can produce tons of marital happiness. And tonnage works best to sustain and promote marriage and push it into the lifetime arena.

Those are the simplest steps to a lifetime marriage. Her gratitude begets mutual appreciation, which begets mutual respect, which begets marital harmony. Every wife can do it. Except for herself, who’s to keep her from it? Who’s to prevent her finding gratitude, if she but looks for it?

Specific details about ‘growing’ a successful attitude of gratitude can be found in the series of that name starting at post 690.



It’s more opinion than reason, but finding gratitude persistently is more important to perpetuating a relationship than love shown by conventional female methods of exchanging gifts, attentions, affections, intimacies, and special kindnesses. The strongest and most convincing love is that built upon finding and sharing gratitude and spreading appreciation for self, lover, relationship, future, family, housing, job, livelihood, income, marriage, admirable behaviors, children, and every other aspect of their lives together.


Filed under sex differences

2 responses to “1806. Sex Difference Redux— Part 56: Turn Gratitude into Mutual Respect

  1. anonymous

    Another wonderful article!
    “The masculine heart doesn’t appreciate unearned gifts, even verbal compliments. Being undeserved, such gifts can’t be appreciated.” Wouldn’t repeated admiration when he thinks it’s undeserved cause him to distrust the admirer?

    Also, any examples of admiration to give boyfriend rather than husband?

    Your Highness Anonymous,

    Expressions of appreciation usually form around someone’s accomplishments, don’t they? Admiration usually forms around who a person is. It’s much harder to find the latter undeserved, don’t you think? He may at first, but past admirations help pump up a man’s sense of worth such that new ones are welcome, don’t you think?

    You can imagine what a woman identifies as grateful when she passes on admirations such as these examples:
    + I really admire the steadfast way you never cheapen up on our dates.
    + Have other women told you how admirable you are when it comes to …?
    + Does your boss appreciate your intellect?
    + In growing up, did your family recognize your maturity?
    + For a guy who claims to be dyslexic (or ADHD), you demo many exceptions to the claim.
    + As young as you are, you shine very maturely.
    + Whoever got you started in body building knew how to make you appear manly and distinguished.


  2. southernbelle

    Is there such thing as expressing too much gratitude, appreciation, admiration in courtship if it is sincere and heartfelt and there are separate reasons or accomplishments for each expression. When he does so many things right, I want him to know I am appreciative and happy. Are my smiles and continued presence enough? With words expressed selectively but sincerely. Of course I’m very much enjoying his efforts and want ” stay out of his way” as he hopefully continues to win me but I do not want to seem ungrateful or “entitled princess” I’ve heard so many complain about.

    Your Highness Southernbelle,

    The more you talk and try to make him feel good and express your gratitude, the less mysterious you become, the less hard he has to try in order to win you, and the more you come to depend on him for what YOU say instead of what he actually does.

    Of course, there is a balance that tends to keep him around you. There is also too much that makes life so easy for him that he sees or values you less. Where is that balance? No one knows but you.

    So, I recommend less on the argument that too much is worse than too little. What you tell him is never as impressive as what he figures out about you.

    A kind and grateful heart can be shown with actions and make a more lasting impression than can a flood of words provided mostly to make you feel good about yourself. As long as you’re trying to accomplish something with your compliments and gratitude, it isn’t sincere and its self-serving. Women read that easily, but men are not completely ignorant of detecting it.


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