1813. Sex Difference Redux—Part 63: Female Happiness—Mile 4 and Beyond


The fourth mile starts here. It’s but a bridge to the rest of the road to female happiness that extends forever.

I have a favorite way, so before someone asks, I shall describe a unique way to show admiration for husband and other men every day. He opens the door for her, seats her in restaurants, washes some dishes, washes her car, prays at restaurant table, holds her hand walking, puts gas in her car, hauls out the trash, runs an errand, surprises her with an unexpected date or treat, or pleases her in even the simplest way. When her female nature wants to react with a ‘thank you’, she can instead respond with, ‘Men are never more handsome than when they wash the dishes (or whatever) to please their lady’. Such admiration made standard and habitual keeps a man’s interest turned toward his woman. What should he do to earn another reminder of his handsomeness (however uniquely he may defend an unattractive feature or two)? It also keeps her heart reminded that gratitude drives out blame and faultfinding. (Nature makes the reverse much easier.)

Both parties benefit even after her admiring responses become routine and perhaps boring to both. Even after the umpteenth time, the sound of the terms handsome and lady are still reinforced in their respective hearts. It programs their subconscious with pleasurable sounds that register repeatedly, and their respective minds proceed to move them toward becoming whatever those terms mean to them. She becomes more of a lady, or at least more conscious of wanting to be ladylike. He becomes more interested in looking handsome and pleasing his woman, which gently nudges him to be more gentlemanly, which nudges her to be more ladylike.

Moreover, he’s subtly reminded of the admiration of his woman’s sound judgment (aka lady) who seems to be right every time he does something that pleases her. Therefore, he can make her more valuable to him by just pleasing her. (WADWMUFGAO*)

The common and every day ‘Thank you’ means little when dealing with husband. Men consider many tasks as duty at which self-thanks arise and wife’s appreciation goes unearned. ‘Thanks for hauling out the trash’ sounds good to wife, but after a few times he likely ignores it and it never reaches husband’s heart. However, admiration is always welcome for personal features that are not accomplishments. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, handsome is as handsome does. Lady is as lady does. Wife can encourage both by admiring husband for gentlemanly behavior.

The wife can vary the message. Alternatives might include: ‘My hunk’s never more handsome (or gentlemanly gracious) than when he…for his lady’. Or, ‘My favorite hunk’s never hunkier than when…for his lady’. Or, ‘My favorite husband gets more favored every time he puts himself out for his lady’. (Using third person provides indirectness that favors women.)

I expect that modern women will cry foul at having to say something so far out of main stream society. I can’t blame them for not wanting to appear different from other women. But, these four points may help, if they want to invest in keeping their man around for a long time:

  1. She can introduce the practice when they see a couple walking and holding hands or praying over food in a restaurant. She can say it about such unknown men a few times before claiming husband is never more handsome etc.
  2. Women compete for men and to keep captured ones close. Frequently feeding husband’s heart with admiring claims helps close the A.D.D gap. (Defined at #1755.)
  3. Indirectly calling husband handsome and directly calling wife a lady both affirm and reaffirm that each respects and appreciates the other. Repetition breeds conviction. The wife instigates it for one simple reason: It promotes her self-interest to have a mate that looks and acts good, reminds her regularly that he likes pleasing her, and reminds himself regularly that she is pleased when treated with respect due a lady.
  4. Uplifting her spirit with more gratefulness and strengthening his spirit for pleasing and doing things right in her eyes, they both become more likeable even when jesting becomes part of the ‘ritual’ of admiring him. Likeability strongly endorses her as good for him. Mutual likeability helps seal compatibility and prolong marital longevity.

As I’ve tried to show, female happiness flows out of a wife’s ability, intention, and success at admiring her husband such that he responds by appreciating and respecting her. It’s no guarantee to seal a marriage. Among the little things that can add likeability to both spouses, few simple and affirming acts and words are more influential than ‘Men are never more handsome….’.

——

* WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.

17 Comments

Filed under sex differences

17 responses to “1813. Sex Difference Redux—Part 63: Female Happiness—Mile 4 and Beyond

  1. serena

    I have known this guy for like 3 years now (an internet connection) we write each other long letters every week and are happy to know about each other. Lately he has been hinting about marriage but there’s something I do not like here. First of all he’s 31 and does not even have a GED yet, he never graduated high school because of anxiety and performance issues, he let it go like it was nothing and never bothered to get his GED, he never bothered to get a job either. He has not tell me so but im sure he receives a check from the government or gets it from his parents. He has excuse after excuse and never accomplishes anything, yet I support him and have a lot of patience (something I have not showed for others guys) Last year he met a British woman on a forum and in less than 6 months he had her in his house living with him, b o ned her and in 3 months she was out in the streets back to England again because she criticized him too much and was too fragile according to his story. I must say that while he was having the time of his life I was sick coming off and on hospitals and he never wrote me a letter to know of me because his girlfriend did not let him talk to other women.

    In his letters he’s always complaining about something, he says he is a christian and cares about marriage yet he lived with that woman before marriage, complains about giving gifts to women on Valentine’s, complains when he gets a new job , complains about his family specially his mom and nothing seems good enough and on top of all that he lets me know that he can wait a long time to ask me to marry him or to get into anything serious. Fk this, seriously no girl in her right mind would still be talking to this guy, I’m sure he is boll c r a p ing other women through the internet and making his pick out of the bunch, however it is no better with other guys, they all want to be freeloaders, don’t work, live off the government and just be a bum, as long as he gets a job it’s fine by me but not even that……. Should just keep him as a friend? what is wrong with him besides his anxiety attacks? where do i find men that matter?

    Your Highness Serena,

    You admit to not being in your right mind when you say, “…seriously no girl in her right mind would still be talking to this guy….” So, admitting to your wrong-mindedness, why do you continue to even think about him? I shall not increase your self-inflicted misery by helping you understand and remain involved thoughtfully with a man not worth you as a right-thinking woman.

    Now, let’s get you on track to recover. Dump him, drop him, wipe him from the face of your life. That done, buy a journal and begin handwriting all the things about which you are grateful EXCEPT no mention, no reference, no credit, and no gratitude connections with him now or ever again. Make an entry every day and don’t duplicate things for which you are grateful unless the circumstances that bring it are different.

    Thoroughly study the series of articles on female happiness, #1808-1813. After that, study #806 and 1146 and begin the practice of ‘pretty time’.

    In two months come back and tell me what your life and attitude look like. If you are in better condition, you may be ready to hear answers to your question “where do I find men that matter.” Until you recover, not even men that matter can make a difference in your life.

    Also, take heed to what other ladies say. Lady Lurker and Blossomed Princess have both advised you to RUN and I endorse them.

    Guy

    • Lady Lurker

      Honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever commented on this site, even though I’ve been a lurker for quite some time and apply Sir Guy’s advice to my young life (in my mid-20’s) with great results. However, your comment kind of encouraged me to respond because I’ve had a similar situation.

      To make a long story short – Flee! Run away! Dump him! And don’t look back!

      To make a short story long – Every single man on this planet has their various problems, woes, and battles to fight. That’s something that EVERY man has, so his anxiety attacks are just his unique challenge to face. However, even though every man has his ‘burden’, not all of them face their burden/problem/woe head on, and the person who you are describing comes across as the type of ‘adolescent-male’ who has yet to achieve the basic definition of manhood. You as a lady, can’t help him with that.

      He must face/solve his various problems…if he wants his crown of manhood.

      And you can’t give him that. He must get it himself. Therefore, continue to keep your distance from him. (I’ll even go so far to say that you should widen that distance from him), because if you get any close to the guy, he’ll end up treating you like he treated that English woman. Because history is a great indicator!

      As Sir Guy usually says, look at his ACTIONS. Not his words. Words are cheap in the masculine currency and, really, that’s all he seems to be feeding you. You don’t want a guy who will just give you cheap words, you want a man’s ‘expensive’ actions.

      At best, you can encourage him to do better, but don’t really put too much effort into that. You would be far better off focusing on a man who shows by his actions that he is ready for a REAL relationship, and not just after the ‘benefits’ of a good relationship.

      You, as a lady, can’t really do much for him and you shouldn’t really try. Honestly, my best advice would be to focus on high-quality men and they ARE out there. It’s just that those types of guys are missed if you aren’t sure what to look for or what counts as a high-quality man.

      Honestly, those types of guys that you describe (and can you honestly really call him a man is he fails at the basic four Ps of manhood?), don’t really valuable the women in their lives and if you were to get with him more seriously – your existence would be one of woe. How a man treats his MOTHER (the first woman in his life) is a very big indicator on how he will treat YOU! If you don’t like how he treats her (and she’s the one that basically allows him to live), do you logical think that he’ll be better do you?

      I think one of the basic problems we as women have is that we want to save/help/train/etc. men. However, the truth of the matter is, men become men by following/doing/modeling what OTHER men do. I firmly believe that is the only truth way a man is create/police/instructed. At the end of the day, men only listen to other men on how to BE men. However, all is not loss!

      We women have the great power of influence, but in current society we are using such a power in negative ways.

      What I mean to say is that, if we women encouraged/pay attention to/praise the ‘good/high-moral guys’ then those are the types of men that other men will look up to and admire. However, if we women pay attention to ‘bad/low-moral’ guys, then those are the guys that grow in ‘power’ in guy-land.

      Honestly, I would suggest that you back away from him, focus on developing/building up yourself first, and then focus on other high-quality guys for relationship material.

      Well, that’s just my two cents! Good luck to you!

      Your Highness Lady Lurker,

      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

      Also, Amen! Well said. I love it when pretty women pull no punches in explaining how men don’t know how to live with women. Serena would be ultra wise to heed and act on what you say.

      Guy

  2. blossomed princess

    Most handsome Sir, Thanks for the ever flowing streams of wisdom and insight into the male and female natures. I however wonder whether saying “my favorite husband” does not imply some kind of hierarchy in ‘husbandry’….cant it be misinterpreted to imply more than one husband……therefore a favorite???

    Your Highness Blossomed Princess,
    You’re very right. I shall change “favorite” to “favored” such that it reads like this: “My favorite husband gets more favored every time he puts himself out for his lady.” Of course, it’s only an example and women that aren’t comfortable with it can just not it.
    Guy

  3. blossomed princess

    Dear Serena, RUN! RUN like you are escaping a blazing fire! This man is upto no good! Three years? don’t waste another minute! Cut him off and RUUUUUN!! Nothing good can come from this. Don’t even keep him as a friend…..his energy will destroy your sweet nature! You will find a good man! Just believe you are worth it and act like it! They will come! Blessings!!

    Your Highness Blossomed Princess,
    Amen! You’re right. I hope Serena acts on your advice. I particularly like the phrase, “his energy will destroy your sweet nature!”
    Guy

  4. Anne

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I think Anne responds to Serena.
    Guy

    Bum’s the word. Move ON (and on and on and on). If you are lonely, make it top priority to STUFF you life with new people and activities and interests so you can fill the void his absence will leave. Just about anything besides him will do at this point, right? Tell your girlfriends to NOT LET YOU talk about him in ways good or bad. They are to stop you from praising him OR complaining about him. Find NEW DRAMA to discuss with them. Volunteer at the local animal shelter and fill yourself with the drama of sad animals. Help improve their lot in life, etc. In short: find someone/something else to rescue but NOT HIM! This guy is not your friend. Friends stand by each other, take responsibility, build each other up… I could go on and on. I think he is just a spacesaver in your life. Unplug him from that spot, fill it with something good or better or else, and move ON!!! And please for goodness sake take all the usual steps to REMOVE him from your cyber presence. Unfriend, delete, block, etc. Have your girlfriends help you, if necessary, so you can’t undo the action. Please get serious about this. You only get to live *once,* girlfriend! Make your “todays” something you won’t feel you wasted/frittered away/bummed through (emotionally) when you look back in 20 years! I’ll start for you: repeat after me: “[His name], I am flushing you out of my life.” Now symbolically flush your toilet and get on with it… Cheers!

  5. MySunshineLady

    Dearest Sir Guy, a huge thank you for all your labour of love! Does this advice apply to boyfriends? And wouldn’t be treating boyfriend as king?

    Your Highness MySunshineLady,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Sure, it applies to boyfriends. It makes them see that you promise a future of admiration. You may have to draw a line here and there at first to keep them from reading too much into an admiring compliment. Women have the natural judgment to handle that situation.

    Guy

  6. Tania

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I think Tania responds to the guy described by Serena.
    Guy

    Reina just quoted Buckaroo Girl a day or so ago, “Maybe I’m going out on a limb here but IMHO it’s easier to train a man w/backbone to treat you nice than to get a too nice man to take a stand.” This guy doesn’t appear to have any of the virtues of either type.

  7. MySunshineLady

    Sir Guy, I love you!

  8. Lin

    Sir Guy,
    I am seeing a man who is very good looking. Would you suggest I use ‘A man is never so handsome as when he ………..’, when he is so good looking anyway and commands the attention of a lot of women for that reason.
    Would using such a phrase with such a goodlooking man work to my advantage or not. Please advise.
    Thanks as always

    Your Highness Lin,
    Let him hear you say it a time or two before you say it about him. Make it just the way you look at men generally AND INNOCENTLY, that they look their best when favoring ladies.
    Guy

  9. anonymous

    I’ve always thought highly of this method, however I have trouble actually using it. I fear that men think I’m being either flirtatious, manipulative, or just joking. Actually the precise adjective escapes me, it’s a blend of those things. When the men are my age I would imagine they would take it as flirtatious/suggestive. When they are older I would imagine they would take it as manipulative or dishonest. Almost as if I am ridiculing them. The alternatives make me less uncomfortable. For example, I think that “men are never more graciously gentlemanly than when they help a lady” would be taken more as an honest compliment than “never more handsome”. But I’m still not 100% confident even with the alternatives. The best way I can describe it is how feminist women take offense when men open doors for them. I fear that men brought up in a feminist world will take offense to me calling them handsome or similar because it is so unusual. Won’t they wonder ‘Why is she saying that? She’s probably just trying to get something out of me”? Surely if you are suggesting this method, this must not be the case. Please help me understand why men will not think poorly of this technique. I would love to brighten the world with it but can’t get over my anxiety.

    EDITOR’S NOTE: YOUR HIGHNESS ANONYMOUS, I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your original comment in lower case. Guy

    I’ve always thought highly of this method, however I have trouble actually using it. I fear that men think I’m being either flirtatious, manipulative, or just joking. [SO WHAT IF THEY DO? IT INVITES THEM TO PAY MORE ATTENTION AND FIGURE YOU OUT AS WHATEVER YOU DECLARE YOURSELF TO BE, SUCH AS A LADY. IF YOU DON’T GIVE THEM SOMETHING POSITIVE TO CONSIDER, THEY LOOK AT YOU AS JUST ANOTHER WOMAN THAT LACKS ADMIRATION FOR MEN. WHEN YOU’RE BOLD AND SEEM IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF WITHOUT REGARD FOR WHAT MEN THINK—NOT THE FEMINIST WAY HOWEVER—YOU PUSH THEM TO ACCEPT ADMIRATION THAT THEY LONG FOR.]

    Actually the precise adjective escapes me, it’s a blend of those things. When the men are my age I would imagine they would take it as flirtatious/suggestive. [GOOD. IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO GAIN CONFIDENCE IN HOLDING THEM AT BAY INSTEAD OF INSULTING THEM OR BEING IGNORED BY THEM.]

    When they are older I would imagine they would take it as manipulative or dishonest. Almost as if I am ridiculing them. The alternatives make me less uncomfortable. [WHEN WOMEN ARE UNCOMFORTABLE, MEN TAKE ADVANTAGE.]

    For example, I think that “men are never more graciously gentlemanly [IT’S GOOD BUT JUST NOT THE BEST] than when they help a lady” would be taken more as an honest compliment than “never more handsome”. [HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND TO BEING CALLED ‘ALMOST PRETTY’? WHY DEAL IN HALF POSITIVES WHEN THE ULTIMATE IS AVAILABLE?]

    But I’m still not 100% confident even with the alternatives. The best way I can describe it is how feminist women take offense when men open doors for them. I fear that men brought up in a feminist world will take offense to me calling them handsome or similar because it is so unusual. [DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT. IF IT HAPPENS, YOU CAN RESPOND WITH “I SAID LADY AND NOT FEMINIST.”]

    Won’t they wonder ‘Why is she saying that? [PERHAPS BUT SO WHAT? BOLDNESS IN A WOMAN’S COMPLIMENT TO A MAN TURNS HIM OFF? I DON’T THINK SO.] She’s probably just trying to get something out of me”? [SO WHAT, DON’T WOMEN SPEND THEIR LIVES TRYING TO GET THINGS OUT OF MEN? MEN ARE USED TO IT.]

    Surely if you are suggesting this method, this must not be the case. Please help me understand why men will not think poorly of this technique. [THEY WON’T THINK POORLY OF YOUR BOLDNESS. THEY WILL THINK POORLY OF TIMIDITY TRYING TO DO WHAT IS GREAT TO HAVE DONE.]

    I would love to brighten the world with it but can’t get over my anxiety. [SMOTHER YOUR ANXIETY WITH BOLDNESS BY ACTING BOLDLY. BOLDNESS AND PERISTENCE PAY OFF IN MOST ENDEAVORS.]

    [WE’VE EXCHANGED MANY THOUGHTS OVER THE YEARS. I KNOW YOU CAN’T BUY INTO WHAT I SAID ABOVE. BUT THAT’S ALRIGHT. LET THIS THOUGHT DWELL IN YOUR HEART AND MIND: ACTION CURES FEAR, AND FEAR PREVENTS FEMALE HAPPINESS.]

    Cordially,
    Guy

    • Anne

      Sir Guy,

      I believe I am *almost* ready to start saying this golden phrase. I have caught it almost popping naturally out of my mouth twice now, and have tried a “modified version” once (more on that below). I want to be very natural when I say it – not weird or forced. It will take a lot of poise to pull off! My question is this: does it matter if my husband hears me say it to HIM first, or to others? (I wish I’d had the chance to say it to him when we were dating, but that is moot now.) Anyhow, I worry that my husband will be alarmed if I say, “Men are never so handsome…” to a stranger before I say it to him. Or if I EVER say it to anyone but him, honestly!

      As an aside, a middle-aged man (probably 15 years my senior) held the door open for me + the babies + the stroller + my purchase at the store the other day & I said some watered-down version of “men are never so handsome” and his face turned completely red and he practically ran away. I have wondered why. Thoughts?

      Your Highness Anne,

      Its’ best to husband first and gently get his permission to use it with others. Also, practice when he’s not along the first few times to get yourself ‘in tune’.

      As for the man that turned red and fled. You complimented him hugely for something unearned in his eyes. IOW, he saw it as a duty and did just what he expected of himself. Don’t forget too. Women don’t do such things and your brightness and appreciation surprised him, which caused discomfort, which caused tongue to freeze, which mixed up his feelings and help prompt his flight.

      Guy

      • Anne

        What is it you recommend I not forget? I don’t think I followed that part. Also, I’m gathering that using the “never so handsome as” line needs to be for something BIG or its counter-productive (in that it makes the man feel worse because he didn’t earn it…)?

        Your Highness Anne,
        Don’t forget what follows, specifically this: Women don’t do such things and your brightness and appreciation surprised him, which caused discomfort, which caused tongue to freeze, which mixed up his feelings and help prompt his flight.
        Guy

    • anonymous

      Update: I successfully used the handsome phrase multiple times! Twice it was with my boyfriend after he did something new to please me. Each time he beamed and asserted that he would continue the pleasing behavior. The third time was with a male friend after he unsolicitedly rescued me from car troubles. I said, “Thanks, men are never more handsome than when they rescue a lady in distress!” He also beamed and said that’s what he’s here for. I’m more comfortable with the phrase now but I was wondering if you would be so kind as to shed light on two situations:

      1. What should I do if I would like to say it to another man in the presence of my boyfriend? He will likely view it as disrespectful that I’m indirectly calling another man handsome (similar to how I might take it if he openly oggled other women in my presence). If he was my husband I would ask his permission, but he is not. Should I still ask his permission or would that be treating him as king before marriage? If not, how should I conduct myself in order to avoid offending him?

      2. What if I want to say it to a man who is married or has a girlfriend in the presence of his wife/girlfriend? Might she find it disrespectful that I am calling her husband handsome particularly if she is not the type to read this blog (feminist perhaps)? Perhaps she will fear that I am trying to steal her husband? How can I avoid making her think that? Or should I just not use that phrase in the presence of wives/girlfriends?

      Thank you!

      Your Highness Anonymous,

      Congratulations on your successes. Fun, isn’t it to spread your feminine charm among the masses?

      Your situation #1. Involve him in your fun. Alert him that you’ll do it when occasions arise ‘cause it’s so much fun without hurting anyone. He’ll go along to please you but be alert to hidden hurts that may become visible. If they do, you’ll know what to do.

      Your situation #2. Of course use it. You can’t be responsible for observers (wives/girlfriends) of your actions. What woman would consider it disrespectful if her husband is referred to as handsome? What woman wouldn’t admire your boldness? As to trying to steal her husband, finish the drama by looking in her eyes and passing a compliment something like “Aren’t we ladies fortunate when our man is so gentlemanly?” (Your boyfriend ought to enjoy that too.)

      Guy

      • anonymous

        Sorry for the multiple comments on the same topic. New thoughts just keep creeping up! …Should the handsome phrase be used on fathers and other relatives? I don’t know exactly what men think when they hear “handsome”. Do fathers want to be thought of as handsome by their daughters or do they find that weird? Is there an alternate form that would work better for family members?

        Your Highness Anonymous,
        Nope, “handsome” works for all men. What do men think when they hear handsome? They relish the pretty face that just uttered it. Everything else is off the table (unless they have no respect for you).
        Guy

  10. Lin

    “WHEN YOU’RE BOLD AND SEEM IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF WITHOUT REGARD FOR WHAT MEN THINK—NOT THE FEMINIST WAY …”

    Sir Guy, I found the above fascinating. Can you give a few examples of the kind of acts of boldness that impress men?

    Your Highness Lin,
    Don’t try to impress men with boldness. Impress yourself and they will get the right message. Some examples:
    • Smile, nod head or shrug shoulders in a typical feminine way, and tease him with a quick retort.
    • Stare him down while smiling slightly or hugely as appropriate.
    • Act without speaking as if you’re in control of yourself, him, events, or whatever the situation calls for.
    • Instead of just walking away, push him aside and walk by—smilingly of course.
    • Refuse to let him tease, taunt, or stir your temper. Let him see you reject his efforts to rattle you as meaningless. It puts him down without you getting blamed, if you never quit smiling in a feminine way.
    Have a good time,
    Guy

    • Kaikou

      I think your salutations means a lot to this, Sir Guy? Women just need to have fun with it! We will stumble and fumble the first few times around, but a smile washes it away. Also someone pointed out what you said on another post, to paraphrase: “Men don’t tally every misstep.” I am inclined to believe they hardly notice 50-70% of it, really. So we, women, just need to relax and take a few swings.

      Lady Kaikou

      Your Highness Kaikou,
      Beautifully and accurately stated. Thanks.
      Guy

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