1819. Sex Difference Redux—Part 67: Commitment and Devotion IV

Let’s face it. Men are the smaller vessels when it comes to carrying commitment, devotion, and some other things beyond our focus here.

Men commit broadly to a woman but their work competes to make it shallow. Women commit both broadly and deeply. Consequently, she thinks much more often and deeply about him than he thinks about her. This very difference in habit of thinking intensifies her feelings more than his.

Men commit, but women seek to devote themselves. Her frequent thoughts and acts of attention to him embrace her heart and expand her commitment into devotion. However, after he commits his curiosity wanes about the little things about her; they appear less significant and important to him because he has already accepted who and what she is.

To men, much like a relationship, commitment just is. It’s a fairly simple pledge. “Now that that’s settled” he thinks, he returns his mindset to doing what he does best. Fulfilling his commitment and most other relationship obligations depend on his producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. Or so he thinks, and the majority of his effort goes there to his woman’s confusion and anxiety.

Devotion is his change of mindset that lifts her over him, puts ‘us’ before ‘me’, and raises her importance in his life to near-equal of his job. It rises slowly from imaginative thoughts and attentions that grow into feelings of love and affection about her likeability as permanent mate. Except for the rare instances of love at first sight, a man’s conversion from commitment to devotion requires an extended period of time. Long courtship anyone?

As his interest in her grows, he expresses his feelings through actions that build his devotion much more effectively than the words she longs to hear. Consequently, the more she seeks his words of endearment, the more she distracts him from using his primary form of showing endearment—actions. Men don’t respond as women wish they would. I mentioned these true stories earlier in the blog:

  • Told by a counselor that he should show his wife more affection, a man went home, washed her car, and displayed it proudly as his gift of affection.
  • A nurse’s husband off work for the day was told to do spring cleaning while wife worked. With both doors open, he applied the leaf blower throughout the house and proudly invited her inspection when she returned. (Her Majesty Grace and I took her story as a joke until we saw the very pained look on her face when we laughed. Highly embarrassed, she provided convincing details and claimed he was a good man otherwise.)

As explained in post 1755, both sexes have A.D.D. Women have affection deficit disorder. Men have affection delivery disorder.  Women expect to hear about their man’s affection. Men expect to deliver their feelings through actions. Women expect too much in words that men are uncomfortable to provide. To men, actions speak louder than words and so they display rather than describe their feelings. It makes a man’s devotion harder to detect than a woman’s.

Women devote gazillions of thoughts and attentions to their man, and it builds into and subsequently confirms their devotion. Men devote thoughts and attentions to WHAT they do more than WHO they do it with or for. Consequently, in the natural course of events, a man’s heart becomes programmed for more devotion to his job than to her. It’s a burden that many women have trouble carrying.


Filed under sex differences

2 responses to “1819. Sex Difference Redux—Part 67: Commitment and Devotion IV

  1. fastergirl

    I cannot tell you what a happy day it was recently when I stumbled across your website. And I won’t say more than that as I’ll probably lose your manly attention. lol!

    However, I have a question regarding how women can ease the burden of not getting the words of affection as much as they’d like and find not only acceptance but being able to appreciate his actions as words instead of finding what he’s done as lacking.

    I am fortunate to have a boyfriend that is a very traditional man, in that he has not bought into the “feminization” of men. And he is also traditional in that he expresses his feelings in actions more than words. And while I know this is his way of expressing himself, I sometimes still find myself feeling a little empty about it even while appreciating what he’s done.

    Is this just a matter of accepting the differences in male/female communication and knowing, as the Rolling Stones so aptly put, “You don’t always get what you want.”?

    Your Highness Fastergirl,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Read post 1755. Inspiring him to show more affection is a touch and go operation. Inspire but don’t disappoint with trying too often. You might for example drop these as hints on him: I sure could use a hug. Is it too much to ask for a little smooching about now? I’m not starved but I’m sure hungry for some closeness with you.

    Observe his reactions other than doing as you want. If you see the first resentment, such as interupting his thoughts while working or concentrating, back off. Take another time and try another way. Hints, seed planting, and indirectness work best.

    Always make it your immediate want here and now and never accuse him of shorting you on affection. Also, study the articles with ‘affection’ in the title in the CONTENTS page. As with all women, you just have to figure out what works best for the two of you. Be hypersensitive to his responses.


  2. mYstiQue

    Fastergirls boyfriend sounds like a nice gentlemen and not uber beta PROVIDING they didnt sleep together beforehand, even once. If she is conquered, he may not change unless he misses her deeply. Traditional men hold doors open, takes off coats, sweaters, and zippedhoodies of their girlfriends etc (i dont like hoodies on ladies BTW because they dont fit well with skirts)

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