1824. Sex Difference Redux—Part 72: Wicked Witches: Anger and Nag

They are twin witchesanger and nag. An angry wife nags her man, and nagging makes a wife angry. It doesn’t matter which comes first. One starts the other; they pair up and eventually threaten compatibility. Husband is repeatedly told in unfriendly manner that he’s incompetent, not appreciated, definitely not admired, or some of all the above.

Nagging is the epitome of disrespecting a man to his face. It effectively says that he can’t, won’t, or didn’t perform a duty normally accepted as his responsibility. She can’t or doesn’t recognize that her nagging neutralizes and can reverse his sense of responsibility. (If you don’t like what I did, then you do it.)

Men suffer guilt when they don’t fulfill their duties and they can’t handle guilt as well as women. Remind a man when he already feels guilty, or make him feel guilty about some unfulfilled responsibility, and wife’s reminder becomes a nag. Her anger and nagging are often just short patience or poor timing about not feeling good about herself and hopeful of unloading and feeling better at her victim’s expense.

Men generally do something to relieve their sense of guilt. They forget it after being inspired to do so by a woman’s nagging. Men also hate to say “Sorry” and often won’t. However, their conscience registers the need for it, and they often follow with something that makes them feel better about themselves because it’s designed to please their woman.

The female nature has a weak feature that some women let loose in their nesting places. It’s a combination of bossiness, perfectionism, and possessiveness about their lives that shows up selfishly when they need to feel better about themselves. Yet, women don’t seem to understand the effects on the males in their lives. A boy grows to resent mom, because she respects him much less than he thinks he deserves. Husband grows to thinking he could have done better than choosing her.

A strong trait in the female nature, endless patience has deeper roots than love. More reliably than love, patience suppresses selfish urges and prevents nagging. Patience thus generates better maintenance of husband’s devotion and training of sons.

Why do wives think they have to cite every husbandly mistake? Self-identified criticism makes a man try harder to do better. Wife-identified faults turn him off for doing what she wants out of him. Wifely patience brightens her home when she pleasantly hints at something he overlooked and waits for him to suffer twinges of conscience.

So what if he missed putting out the trash for pickup? Let him live with it; make it unimportant that he missed even though she has to live with the inconvenient consequences. So, he forgot something and wife was late to work. The patient (aka wise) wife says nothing and waits for husband to recognize that his duty went underperformed.

Learning to live together is largely about ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’. Patience suppresses selfishness. It keeps anger out of her heart and tendency to nag out of her mind, and enables her to keep both those witches outside her home. Doing so enables compatibility to continue as before.


Filed under sex differences

2 responses to “1824. Sex Difference Redux—Part 72: Wicked Witches: Anger and Nag

  1. Lin

    Thank you Sir Guy for this wonderful post. I relate very well because I saw my own mother nag my father to death every single day. I have seen the results of nagging and understand what you say in this post so well.

    I agree that nagging comes from a sense of selfishness but also from a need to be right or self righteousness on the part of the spouse doing the nagging. Indirectly it send a message of ‘ I am better than you are’ . It is directly seeing you spouse solely as a competitor. I think that its root may be in the need for women to feel important. When one nags, one feels a sense of certainty, a sense of being right and false sense of being important.

    Your Highness Lin,
    Thank you for a significant contribution to the issue. You have things figured out very well.

    As I write this I remember my mothers face when she was done with her nagging. She suddenly looked, more important, more confident, better, superior, more efficient and so on. And hearing her, non of us including father wanted to get better at anything. My father certainly wasnt inspired. to please his woman.

  2. Emma

    Mr Guy- the anger & nagging sometimes become my besties ! In my opinion is hard to stop it and sometimes let it pass. My thinking is – if I let him go off easily then he would cont. In my humble opinion it doesn’t work – hubby gets defensive etc. my question is how can one let hubby know he didn’t do something he said he would w/o arguing or nagging? I do this when he promises and says he would do something and then doesnt come thru.

    Your Highness Emma,
    Do the opposite. You might try this: Give him a nice but very unexpected and mysterious smile and refuse to explain. Put his conscience to work and reward him when he catches on and does it.

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