1827. Sex Difference Redux—Part 75: Her Promise Outranks Her Beauty

Women fashion their appearance to always be sexually attractive. She expects to not only attract a man but keep him after their first sex together bonds them tightly in a lasting relationship. She hopes far too much and depends on what doesn’t work.

Men live contrary to that female expectation. The male nature treats women differently according to these groupings. 1) Sexually attractive and unconquered, which men incidentally see as beauty. 2) Conquered by him and he may or may not see promise in her. In either case, she no longer reflects the beauty he beheld pre-conquest. 3) Others of non-sexual interest that may or may not hold promise for him. They’re important, but we can ignore them here.

Before conquest, men see beauty and chase after sex. After conquest, beauty morphs into promise and men evaluate and perhaps exploit that. The successful conqueror sees promise in her for filling different roles in his life. He looks for and evaluates her promise as great or steady sex, booty call, steady girlfriend, have her live in, move into her place, supporter and encourager of his work effort, potential wife, mother of his children. If he sees too little or no promise of interest to him, then he finds an easy or abrupt way to depart.

The promise he sees in her is the final return on investment she receives for their first sex together. Pre-conquest, her promise was developing but subordinate to her beauty. Post-conquest, the promise he beholds dominates his decisions.


Men see sexual attractiveness as beauty. It lures and guides their hunter-conqueror persona toward first-time sexual relations with female targets. Hoping he will bond during sex, women misinterpret the result of conquest. Relative to her, the conqueror is a different man than the one who bedded her.

Out of curiosity to know her better in order to bed her, a prolonged chaste courtship keeps masculine imagination focused on uncovering whatever promise she holds for him. The courtship process enables her to disclose her character and personality for him to interpret and convert into promise for his life. She’s not the promise that she verbalizes.The more he figures her out for himself, the more impressionable and convincing her promise is to him.

Once they have sex together, his curiosity and imagination move on to other things in his life. Whatever her promise at conquest, it’s effectively sealed against further growth. Conquest convinces him that’s he’s right, and he knows the promise she holds for him.

Pivoting on conquest, promise outranks beauty. Beauty attracts but promise keeps a man. Those are the causes and effects that flow out of the male and female natures when women depend on sexual attractiveness to keep their man. It doesn’t work, because men are different.


Filed under sex differences

11 responses to “1827. Sex Difference Redux—Part 75: Her Promise Outranks Her Beauty

  1. Greetings Guy! I am certain it has been defined elsewhere in the blog and if so please refer me, if not could I get a “broken-down” decription and definition of what is meant by “promise” in the contect above???

    Thanks! 🙂

    Your Highness Dawn,
    Promise is a man’s focus on a woman and the imagined value she holds for his present life and short-range future. He sees potential in her to support his endeavors of every kind, create and maintain his castle, mother his or their children, keep her beauty, provide plentiful sex, and be grateful for his providing and protecting. That describes his self-interest with a mate. Naturally and identical with women, self-centeredness lies behind such an assessment and with some men perhaps to the fault we call selfish. It makes character the best indicator about which women judge and choose a mate. Men don’t have that reliable an indicator about a woman’s sincerity and reliability.

  2. Krysie869

    NOTE: I RESPOND IN BRACKETS AND CAPS TO your questions in lower case. GUY

    How can a woman be of non-sexual interest to a man and still hold promise to him? [NOT LIKELY.] If a man sees promise in a non-sex target, will he still want to marry her or court her or is that only reserved for sex targets? [HOW DO YOU KNOW HE SEES PROMISE IN A NON-SEX TARGET? WITHOUT SEX IN MIND, HE’S NOT LIKELY THINKING OF DATING MUCH LESS MATING.]

    Also, if a man loses interest in a sex target, is it always because she did not yield him sex? [NO] Could it also be that he does not feel significant enough to a woman and lose interest? [NOT LIKELY] I have witnessed some men in the past tell others that they don’t think I am that interested in them, but they never approached me. [WHAT DO YOU MEAN “WITNESSED?”] Maybe it is shyness. I don’t know. But I believe that if a man is interested enough in a woman, he would approach. [IT’S LIKELY.] I don’t feel comfortable approaching men. In my experience though, most women do and they get temporary attention and I am left out most of the time. [MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A LITTLE MORE ADVENTUROUS AND MAKE YOURSELF APPEAR MORE LIKE THOSE WOMEN WHO GET TEMPORARY ATTENTION.]

    • My Husband's Wife

      Dear Krysie,

      I write as a former shy girl. I really understand your dilemma: How does a shy girl come out of her shell, but not so much that it is seen as directly approaching men so that it turns them off? Sir Guy wrote something that I wish I had learned early on that you’ll benefit from: “GET A LITTLE MORE ADVENTUROUS AND MAKE YOURSELF APPEAR MORE LIKE THOSE WOMEN WHO GET TEMPORARY ATTENTION.”

      Doing as Sir Guy suggests requires being more social with not only men but women as well. It means putting yourself into more situations where you have to interact with more people in general: young/old/men/women etc. and then developing those relationships.

      I’ll share with you a plan I used years back for helping me to come out of my shell—and maybe you’re already doing this 😉 If so, it sounds like you’re already on your way…

      If there was a social occasion where I’d get nervous or if I knew I would be around a guy I’d like (and I’d clam up), I would think beforehand of a series of questions to be ready for the situation. The questions weren’t anything that deep, but things I wanted to know about the person or things that I knew the other person would be interested in that would help get the ball rolling (I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t enjoy being asked a question about themselves 🙂 Then, listening is key too. Since you’re quiet, I’m sure you’re a great listener as most quiet people are, we get a lot of practice because we don’t talk that much (ha ha!). Once I was told a bit of information, I kept trying to find out more out of genuine curiosity and interest. Eventually, I became a girl who people knew they could talk to and I’d listen. I was never overly funny, loud, sexy like the other girls, but I was the one that people could talk to easily. I also made a point to talk to more than just my sisters or close friends, I had to go OUT of my circle.
      As you get more comfortable with yourself, others will get more comfortable with you. Make it a goal to put others at ease.

      Sure “talking” is key, but coming out of your shell could also include doing something for others. Ex: If you attend a Bible class, maybe bring a baked treat for everyone. You’ve created a little buzz and good will that others will appreciate. Don’t do it to get compliments and don’t expect any, but do it for the sake of simply giving. A thoughtful/giving woman is highly attractive and mysterious.

      Also, volunteering is GREAT. You’re with people who all share your same cause, so EASY conversation starters there—you’re already connected by default.

      Another way is to approach someone who also seems to be quiet and “left” out. The benefit of being shy: you can spot others who feel awkward and are left out a mile away. Bring some relief to the other “shy or ignored” person in the group.

      Again, you might already be doing all this so sorry if I over-advise here.

      P.S. Even now in my 40s, I still come up with my “questions” before going out to dinner with another couple to smooth over any awkward silences to keep the conversation flowing. I’m still quiet, but it’s not a struggle / stresser anymore 🙂

      • Krysie869

        Hi My Husband’s Wife!

        Thanks for responding. I agree that I am a little quiet but mostly it is because I feel like my values differ from most people. However, I do agree that I need to acknowledge people more, even if they don’t speak to me first. I will try this!

        I agree that it is easy to spot shy people. Sometimes I will volunteer to help them out although I haven’t done this in a while…

        I do notice people usually come to me for advice though whether they be acquaintances or family members.

        I do volunteer currently one being in the Church teaching Sunday School classes. This week, I am bringing in candy for the class and hosting a party for All Saints Day.

        I definitely agree with doing things for others. I once helped a young lady in Spanish when I was doing a final paper at 3 am!

    • Krysie869

      Hi Sir Guy!

      I asked the questions for the first paragraph when you mentioned point number three in the article. I wasn’t sure why you wrote it. The relevance between others of non-sexual interest that may or may not hold promise on a man.

      I often thought about acting like those women, but I don’t want to come across as phony or desperate. That is my primary problem! Maybe if I start interacting more with women, instead of those who I am comfortable with, men will start approaching me more.

      I was a little confused because you mentioned once that men who would be devoted to me would be attracted to my quiet personality.

      By “witnessed” I mean “overhear”. Almost all men seem to be interested in me as a “person” because I see many of them “studying me intensely” so maybe my personality turns them off?

      • That Horse Is Dead

        Lady Krysie869,
        I am also a quiet woman who greatly appreciates the ability to hold my tongue (especially around a man). I have developed my communication skills mentioned in another post, but know it will be a lifelong process for me. My advice would be to get out of your head. My over-reflection turns into a broken record if I allow it — and quickly negative. The Bible says to capture your thoughts, “and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” The next time you find yourself over-analyzing, just rest in the beautiful creature you are. I’ve really been convicted lately that all of my attempts at controlling what I say or don’t say is really not being true to who I am nor allowing a man to see the real me. There is a great TedTalks video by Brene Brown that I hightly recommend: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-54708.

        • My Husband's Wife

          Dear That Horse Is Dead,

          I’ve seen the TedTalk you mention with Brene and it’s very good! Great recommendation—for anyone to view.

          I think you bring up a great point above about over-thinking. It seems many times single women (and this was me and all my girlfriends when we were single), if they’re not getting the results they hope for end up trying too hard to figure out what is wrong with them…and maybe there isn’t really anything “wrong”. Sure, there are always ways to improve where needed, but sometimes you just have to deem yourself as “enough.”

    • Eric

      I can only give you a man’s perspective on this; but I think part of the problem is cultural. Shy girls are at a huge disadvantage today because men don’t (like we used to) see through the shyness and approach anyway. A man today doesn’t know anymore whether it’s just shyness—or something he doesn’t want to encounter.

      Most of the advice from Sir Guy and the other women sounds good. The thing is that most men today need at least a subtle hint that ‘it’s OK to approach.’

      • Krysie869

        Hi Eric,

        Thanks for the response! I have started to notice that most men today don’t see through the shyness. That’s why it’s so important for shy women to be more comfortable with themselves. Oftentimes, we women in general, allow our insecurities and fears to get in the way, thus inhibiting men and other women to see our “true selves”.

        Just out of curiosity, what types of subtle hints would you want a woman to give for you to feel comfortable approaching her?

        • Eric

          Hi Krysie:
          I would say a modestly flirtatious glance or two; a smile—maybe even positioning yourself discreetly in proximity to a man you’re interested in—basically a man just needs subtly to be re-assured that you’re just shy but not defensive.

  3. gonemaverick


    Sir Guy,

    re: above quote… you were being sarcastic. right? Unusual and only applies to her.

    Your Highness Gonemaverick,
    No, for reasons I can’t explain though.


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