Theme: How to neutralize a man’s natural urge to conquer sexually attractive females that he’s not yet conquered!
Regarding sexual fidelity, the sexes are quite different. The female nature can’t accept being less than a man’s first and most obvious love; she defines his love mostly from his words and her biases about his actions. Her man’s sexual infidelity doesn’t necessarily end their relationship. Hope remains that he’s ‘recoverable’ for the sake of relationship longevity. She bases relationship decisions on the intensity of his emotional connection with someone else compared to her. If his emotional connection with another woman exceeds his bonds with her, then she’s lost out to a competitive sister female for the most promising regard and affection of her man. Their relationship becomes terminal, but women are blessed with an immense capability of rationalizing a man’s love to favor her. Consequently, if he cheats, she wants to talk.
If she cheats, he wants to walk. A man can’t or won’t tolerate cheating by a woman to whom he’s committed much less devoted. Her cheating overwhelms him as a man. It does unacceptable and irreparable-by-her damage to his sense of significance. Any admiration she previously claimed or showed him vaporizes and she loses value as a woman and all the promise she earned for both his present and future.
Women have a deeply embedded natural urge. They expect to be conquered by one man and have it symbolize ritual passage to lifetime bonding with him as father for their children. However, in testing the waters of reality, women fall prey to several conquerors, because men don’t see conquest as ritual passage and bonding. Rather, men have a deeply embedded natural urge to conquer sexually attractive females they haven’t previously conquered.
Consequently, the real battle of the sexes shapes up like this. Men are continually exposed to sexually attractive females who deliberately heighten their appearance as sex objects. Men can imagine sex, yes, but it doesn’t result in emotional connections—aka bonding. Women to a fault that undermines their interest think that men are like women. Not so, and women often provoke rather than discourage sexual escapades by their man.
At sight of sexually attractive females, boys and immature men imagine their studly performance and pass on (or stop to hit). Mature men entertain thoughts of having sex. Thoughts about sex may enter husband’s mind but usually pass on because of superior obligations. Husbands appreciate female beauty and pay far less attention particularly when their marriage rests on solid ground. Moreover and more important for women, such exposure to female attractiveness doesn’t have bonding effects on men. Women can see an attractive man and start the bonding process imaginatively; they can imagine love at first sight (although actually it’s not). At first sight, men don’t start bonding through their imagination, although they start the bonding process when they fall in love at first sight. (First sight’s another story at #1760.)
What women can do at first sight, it takes extended time for men to duplicate. Here’s the real threat to wives. Husband is repeatedly exposed for lengthy periods to a woman—sex or no sex involved—that makes his wife appear wanting. Competitively the wife loses in the battle of attractiveness as physical, mental, and compatible companion. She loses in the magnetic attractions of sex, likeability, mutual respect, mutual trust, admiration of him, as object of his curiosity, as stimulant (and not demander) of his imagination to accomplish things, and as admirer of who he is in life and what he is to her.
He feels better about himself around her than around his wife. Given that we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, he finds more time and opportunity to spend time away from wife. Such exposure causes him to—much as women do—bond through his imagination until he conquers her. After that, deeper bonding fades and his interest broadens once again, perhaps even to primarily favor wife.
The starting theme at top is this: How to neutralize a man’s natural urge to conquer sexually attractive females that he’s not yet conquered! I suggest three steps:
- Disregard and forget his wandering eyes. Hunter-conquerors are naturally attracted to moving objects. Be offended for courtesy purposes only when his eyes linger longer than a glance. His thoughts may be sexual, but they take nothing away from you. Express that you’re offended but don’t make a sexual matter of it. For example, “What does she have that I don’t? What do I lack that she doesn’t?” and do it smilingly, friendly, and purposely avoid anger and revenge. He will likely feel forced to explain something that he can’t describe well without offending you, so after a few such incidents he will gently and slowly change his habit away from staring (but not glancing at moving objects).
- Even if married for 25 years, you remain in competition with sister females. If you don’t worry about keeping husband’s emotional connection, you’re a fool. If you do worry, you need a makeover in physical attractiveness at least and conscientious review of these things: your success in bed, your likeability as steady companion, mutual respect and trust*, your admiration of him, you as object of his curiosity, you as deserver of his pleasing you, and you as stimulant of his imagination to accomplish things to earn female admiration. (If there is another woman, forget her. Work on yourself.)
- Trust, trust, and trust that he knows what’s best for him and your relationship. If he has nothing of you to live up to, he’ll too easily fall for your competitor. If he has an opportunity to cheat, only disappointing you or himself will make him retreat from it.
The sexes are vastly different regarding explosive issues that surround sex and fidelity. Wives especially benefit by allowing for natural inclinations in husband and taking advantage of principles that tend to discourage unfaithfulness. No one can do it perfectly, but odds favor success when she has a plan to prevent rather than a plan for how she will recover or immediately toss him down the drain.
*Depicted beautifully in Victorian stories, such as Masterpiece’s current Downton Abbey and the earlier Upstairs Downstairs. Notice that the characters demonstrate this back and forth cause and effect between people: Trust earns respect, which returns as trust, which amplifies further respect, which builds greater trust. The result is less offense, antipathy, and unlikeable people and more respectable and likeable characters. Of course its fiction, but the playwrights copy beneficial principles of the well-civilized life.