Her Highness Brown Eyes inquired at post 1696. “Let’s imagine the wife is doing a great job at home and she looks amazing. Her husband is in the military and he is leaving for a whole year. She can stay faithful, it’s easier for her, but can he? What can she do? How can they remain strong in their relationship with such a long time apart? Will he not forget everything they have together from lack of daily reminders?”
Those are great questions, and I respond to all women. Seamlessly shift from Chief Nester to Chief Executive Officer as the Chairman of the Board departs. Then, develop an attitude of gratitude (#1839) and:
- Proudly display a self-sufficient and independent spirit happy to be awaiting his return from a routine absence. The more he views you running your solitary life as routine, smooth, and happy, the more confident he feels as your husband. He married the right woman, did he not?
- Don’t act victimized or as if you need to be babied. Your independence calms his fears.
- Don’t—above all—whine or moan about anything in your routine life, and make everything as routine as possible. Act happy whether you are or not. Don’t complain unless he can fix it from afar. Keep his thoughts separated from your problems. Solve them your own way and hide a lot until he comes home. As you need help, empathy, and sympathy, develop and depend on a mixture of family and female friends. Except for family members and perhaps geriatric neighbors, don’t let men help or do favors for you. (Ultra-geriatric in hubby’s imagination.)
Whining drives your man toward other women; it works this way. If he can’t do what you need and provide and protect up to HIS expectations, it deflates his sense of self-admiration, weakens his self-respect, and deadens his self-image. He sinks into a haze of mini-depression. ‘Mini-’ in that he isolates it into a side pocket of his life, where it prevents angst, anger, and helplessness about home matters from interfering with his job. The more intensely he wants to but can’t help you, the more intensely he wants to relieve frustration through lovemaking, which more easily weakens his conscience about the multiple reasons to remain faithful.
Just as anxiety depresses women, frustration demoralizes men and they are highly proactive about relief. The result is that men cheat more readily than women.
Consequently, with the best of intentions, whining wives drive husbands toward lovemaking outside the home where they can find relief from frustration. Your best policy is the same as used to protect secrets in government: need to know. If it’s a problem or a negative for your life, don’t disclose it. Honesty is essential to keep the marital vapor of trust from condensing into suspicion, but full disclosure hurts your relationship far more than it helps.
So, how to be honest but not fully candid? Find ways to shower him with respect and admiration. Use your newly developed attitude of gratitude for ideas.Current events in your life can be conveyed such that he senses deep admiration coming from you. Remembrances or family stories can be told in ways that do the same. If you’re upbeat and happy, hubby takes the credit when away from home. He left you in excellent shape to survive his absence and it reassures him. (No doubt you can imagine how the least suspicion about your fidelity overrides everything else you say.)
The more respect and admiration you deliver to his heart and mind, the more he feels good about himself. Feeling good about himself relative to you keeps passionate thoughts aimed at you instead of someone else.
Trust but don’t verify. Never mention trust and always presume it surrounds you as a couple. Your respect and admiration fleeting honestly through his mind keeps trust as a vapor surrounding the lives of both of you. Your spending so much time on him will keep you preoccupied such that he trusts you without wondering about it.
As with all else, you’re in charge. What you do and the way you do it sparks his faithfulness until he returns home. If he’s left to drift without your respect and admiration and the promise of your dependence when he returns, you shouldn’t expect total fidelity. (I dislike ending on that sour note, but it’s vital to your success.)