1840. Faithful Away from Home


Her Highness Brown Eyes inquired at post 1696. “Let’s imagine the wife is doing a great job at home and she looks amazing. Her husband is in the military and he is leaving for a whole year. She can stay faithful, it’s easier for her, but can he? What can she do? How can they remain strong in their relationship with such a long time apart? Will he not forget everything they have together from lack of daily reminders?”

Those are great questions, and I respond to all women. Seamlessly shift from Chief Nester to Chief Executive Officer as the Chairman of the Board departs. Then, develop an attitude of gratitude (#1839) and:

  • Proudly display a self-sufficient and independent spirit happy to be awaiting his return from a routine absence. The more he views you running your solitary life as routine, smooth, and happy, the more confident he feels as your husband. He married the right woman, did he not?
  • Don’t act victimized or as if you need to be babied. Your independence calms his fears.
  • Don’t—above all—whine or moan about anything in your routine life, and make everything as routine as possible. Act happy whether you are or not. Don’t complain unless he can fix it from afar. Keep his thoughts separated from your problems. Solve them your own way and hide a lot until he comes home. As you need help, empathy, and sympathy, develop and depend on a mixture of family and female friends. Except for family members and perhaps geriatric neighbors, don’t let men help or do favors for you. (Ultra-geriatric in hubby’s imagination.)

Whining drives your man toward other women; it works this way. If he can’t do what you need and provide and protect up to HIS expectations, it deflates his sense of self-admiration, weakens his self-respect, and deadens his self-image. He sinks into a haze of mini-depression. ‘Mini-’ in that he isolates it into a side pocket of his life, where it prevents angst, anger, and helplessness about home matters from interfering with his job. The more intensely he wants to but can’t help you, the more intensely he wants to relieve frustration through lovemaking, which more easily weakens his conscience about the multiple reasons to remain faithful.

Just as anxiety depresses women, frustration demoralizes men and they are highly proactive about relief. The result is that men cheat more readily than women.

Consequently, with the best of intentions, whining wives drive husbands toward lovemaking outside the home where they can find relief from frustration. Your best policy is the same as used to protect secrets in government: need to know. If it’s a problem or a negative for your life, don’t disclose it. Honesty is essential to keep the marital vapor of trust from condensing into suspicion, but full disclosure hurts your relationship far more than it helps.

So, how to be honest but not fully candid? Find ways to shower him with respect and admiration. Use your newly developed attitude of gratitude for ideas.Current events in your life can be conveyed such that he senses deep admiration coming from you. Remembrances or family stories can be told in ways that do the same. If you’re upbeat and happy, hubby takes the credit when away from home. He left you in excellent shape to survive his absence and it reassures him. (No doubt you can imagine how the least suspicion about your fidelity overrides everything else you say.)

The more respect and admiration you deliver to his heart and mind, the more he feels good about himself. Feeling good about himself relative to you keeps passionate thoughts aimed at you instead of someone else.

Trust but don’t verify. Never mention trust and always presume it surrounds you as a couple. Your respect and admiration fleeting honestly through his mind keeps trust as a vapor surrounding the lives of both of you. Your spending so much time on him will keep you preoccupied such that he trusts you without wondering about it.

As with all else, you’re in charge. What you do and the way you do it sparks his faithfulness until he returns home. If he’s left to drift without your respect and admiration and the promise of your dependence when he returns, you shouldn’t expect total fidelity. (I dislike ending on that sour note, but it’s vital to your success.)

5 Comments

Filed under Home CEO

5 responses to “1840. Faithful Away from Home

  1. Brown_eyes

    Mr. Guy!
    Great answer, thank you so much. I feel more confident about dating men in the military.

    • Brown_eyes

      Buen día Mr. Guy!
      I’m gonna change the subject a little bit, if that’s ok. What about a couple who can’t have kids? How to approach the subject if the woman is unable to conceive? What if the man is unable to conceive? How does she go about introducing the subject of adoption? And if they both are fully able to conceive, should adoption even be an option?

      I feel strongly about this subject because I believe there are so many great kids out there who don’t have a family and if adoption was taken into account, not just natural birth, we would have fewer kids in foster homes and in the streets. But I am also very aware of the need of passing on your genes to the next generation too. What do you think Mr. Guy?

      Muchas gracias (:

      Your Highness Brown Eyes,
      I think I want to bow out. Your ethical issues are off-blog theme and I haven’t time to contribute.
      Guy

  2. Sir Guy:

    I wish I had knowledge of your wisdom when I was a military wife many years ago. The thought of our husbands straying is a fear in most wives’ minds. Unfortunately, it happened to me and my marriage did not survive.

    When the news broke last year that President Obama’s Secret Service agents had solicited prostitutes in South America (and other parts of the world), and that that their quote was, “Wheels up, rings off” I was intensely saddened. I am not naive and am realistic to the fact that we cannot control the behavior of others (and most especially our husbands’ actions). Military husbands go to the field for short term exercises and are deployed for months/years at a time. Your words in this post help wives understand how to interact with their husbands in a positive way so that they know, in the end, they did the best that they could.

    I deeply admire men who have served. Those who conduct themselves under the mantra of Duty, Honor, Country and other warrior codes have my highest respect and regard. I would happily marry another military man and, now that I’m older and hopefully wiser, would manage my interactions with him as you suggest.

    Thanks for your guidance.

    Lady Arabella Victoria

    Your Highness Arabella Victoria,
    You’re welcome and thank you for a beautiful letter. I send the Navy’s highest accolade: Well done!
    Guy

  3. Catherine

    Sir Guy,
    Generally speaking, what should wife do if she learns that husband was wounded or very sick while he’s away?

    Your Highness Catherine,
    You know all this intuitively, so trust yourself to do the right things. If possible, get to his bedside. Show faith and respect in him, admire all that you can about him and his behavior, and avoid all negatives that might reflect discredit on him. Give and expect not to take until he’s well enough to deliver it. Keep your misgivings to yourself.
    Guy

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