1842. Sex Difference Redux—Part 85: Where Love Begins 01


This post begins a collection of soundbytes. They enable feminine-thinking social and domestic leaders to lure, keep a man, and make his dominance useful. You’ve seen some of it before but have you figured out how to gain advantage?

  1. Sex with a man bonds you but not him. Touching starts the bonding process in you but initiates the arousal process in him. The opposed emotions conflict to your disadvantage, until you figure out how to dominate the situation.
  2. Your sexual assets are made useful by either yielding or not to a man. Your date or boyfriend’s sex drive is overbearing and often forceful unless taught otherwise by females, both you and those earlier in his life.
  3. You are born with self-love that enables you to love someone else. Your man is born without it. He has to be taught how, when, and why to love both himself and others. If women didn’t teach him earlier in life, the burden falls to you.
  4. Your man’s birth as ardent competitor guides him to produce and dominate human events. Your birth as cooperator and processor of human relationships enables you to harmonize relationships, whether as friends, lovers, or spouses.
  5. Your man disturbs your sense of peaceable living for masculine purpose. You disturb his comfort for female purpose. He expects you to harmonize both efforts.
  6. He’s the primary integrator of life outside the home. You as the chief nester are responsible for building his castle.
  7. You expect affection and thrive on attention; both make you feel appreciated and important. Your man expects respect and admiration; both make him feel trusted.
  8. As with all women, you learn to live with your guilt. Your man can’t or won’t live with it, finds ways to forget it, and tremendously resents you for even trying to lay guilt on him.
  9. You’re an expert in sensing emotional infidelity and need for relationship maintenance. Your man is unfamiliar with both. He dismisses the concept of the former and denies responsibility for the latter.
  10. Your man won’t compete with you for fear of losing his significance to a woman, which weakens his sense of self-admiration. Instead, he avoids competition or falls back on male dominance to win at best or not lose at least.

More will follow soon.

17 Comments

Filed under sex differences

17 responses to “1842. Sex Difference Redux—Part 85: Where Love Begins 01

  1. Ann B

    Thank you for this. Several of the points made have resonated with me to understand my man of 36 years married, 3 years dated. So nearly 4 decades and still trying to understand him. Refusal of guilt (responsibility), which apparently gives him selective memory or no memory.
    And I get the one regarding self love and of others. Makes it very difficult for him to be grateful, say thank you, or to relinquish any control…even when it would benefit him to allow others to help.
    A good man in a man’s mind. I get it now.

  2. Brown_eyes

    Mr. Guy!
    My dear brother just sent me this link, thought you might like it:

    http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/04/17/a-daddys-letter-to-his-little-girl-about-her-future-husband/

    Your Highness Brown Eyes,
    Yes, I enjoyed it very much. All daddy’s should be so wise.
    Guy

  3. M.T.

    Help! I’m looking for hope! All you say makes complete and total sense to me in a more normal situation. Our situation turned about seven years ago, though. My DH suffered health problem so devastating that he lost about everything having to do with his identity: his job, savings, marital relation ability, etc. He stays at home all the time and watches tv full-time. He insists he is not depressed. His doctors don’t see him as depressed, either.but he has no interest in life outside of the home. The only thing he dominates is the tv remote control., the tv, and meal times. Meals have to be served ON TIME! Laundry folded JUST SO! Where do I, as the wife and relationship maintainer even start? I asked him two years ago what he wanted to do with the rest of his life (he’s only in his fifties) and he said, get a plasma screen tv and when I die, he’ll get an apartment in Florida. I’m baffled. Any insight? Any ideas? I’d sure appreciate it!

    Your Highness M.T.,
    As you describe it, he hides his natural masculine attributes behind some puzzling screen of emotional turmoil. As of now and out of time for the day, I’m puzzled about how to help. However, I will study it further. If I have anything else to offer, it will show up as a comment Sunday am.
    Guy

    • Ann B

      If you work outside the home AND unless he is physically disabled, he can cook the meals and fold the laundry. Like my lovely daughter-in-law and son do, they talk and sort things out. You both need to talk and rewrite the roles/rules in your home and he needs to contribute as if this was his paying job. AND he needs a real hobby or way to be creative. Also, get his hormones checked: testosterone to thyroid.
      Per the example my son and daughter-in-law are to me, I’ve got a talk with my husband in the works, starting with being grateful that he is alive after a heart attack and open chest/triple bypass the end of February. And the warning mild enough he basically had no heart damage. Grateful we had insurance to cover it, that we have the money to cover what insurance doesn’t. That our sons were here to help…that we have both of them close with grandsons as well. That he has a business that because he does the financial part, is still something he can do as he recovers from the surgery. Gratitude is the theme. Your issues are worse than ours, but for both of us it could have been worse.
      Likely your husband tended to be controlling before, and has the pity party in full swing now that he sees himself as damaged goods. As Dr. Laura Schlessinger would tell you, use your spine and stop perpetuating his victim behavior. Tell him the party is over and he needs to get with the program.
      You also could stand a break….behave as if nothing is wrong with him and go out without him and have a life with your girlfriends, children, grandchildren. Start a new hobby, learn a craft. Sew, crochet, knit, paint, jewelry, quilting, woodwork, etc. Just because he has given up, doesn’t mean you have to.

      • M.T.

        I probably should add that he is retired military, used to giving orders and being responsible for many men and much equipment to get a mission done. Also, military wives are adept at managing all sorts of circumstances! I did let things go for these last seven years, probably waiting for the dust to settle and then to find a new normal for our family but we are stuck in a huge rut now. I like the way you said, “I’ve got a talk with my husband in the works.” I’m going to have to do that, too. The taking a break – I walk six miles a day for relief, do quite a bit of sewing for pleasure, always have a stack of books to read -is a must. Resentment is an issue with him as I have my health, though. I sure appreciate your answer!

        • Ann B

          He needs a new mission. Perhaps present his new life adventure in military terminology. He’s still and forever military…from what I understand of short and long term military personnel. Do you have a support group for wives of men with his health challenge? Does he? Can he visit the local Vet Hospital and offer support to men worse off than he? Or talk to old timers at a Vet Retirement Center? Forgive yourself for not knowing how to handle the new challenges over the last seven years. You did the best you could…and so did he. If the dust has settled….it’s as good as it’s going to be, then on with the new mission. Perhaps several new missions in progression?

          • M.T.

            Wonderful! – “presenting his new life adventure in military terminology.” Brilliant!!! Thank you for the clarity,for your time and concern.

          • HandsomeDarkKnight

            I definitely agree with Ann B, your husband is feeling insignificant or invalid, but he’s too proud to tell you. I might be 31 but I saw this from my dad after he sold his dry cleaning business and suddenly contracted prostate cancer. My mom, kid sister and I just showered him with love and support and cheerleaded him to fight it for 5 solid years (passed away May 10, 2008)-it brought the four of us closer as a family in the process, the fighting stopped. We found different ways for my dad to feel like his business, people reading, and advisory skills were needed. When he died he died peacefully. He and his best friend managed an apartment building together, then he went to work for my uncle (his childhood friend) and helped consult him on which employees he should let go. He also advised me about what was needed to be done in terms of becoming one the leaders of his side of our family as well as becoming my mom’s support system. My dad also started letting go of the trauma of his youth.

            I’m also reminded of a movie. Remember Forrest Gump’s few years of just running and how he released his memories about Momma, Jenny, Bubba, Lt Dan? I think maybe your Husband could just need some time to process, reflect, learn, and move forward. Maybe if possible take some vacation time together or possibly find a hobby that he really likes/loves and encourage him to pick it up again and take part with him. Also, try rallying the rest of the family and come up with fun or creative ways for him to feel useful/needed to lead on some family projects

            Now a story about how I picked myself up recently. After failing the July 2011 Bar Exam (first attempt), by early 2012 I sunk into the deepest depression-not getting my license, gaining nearly 100 pounds during law school in the years after my dad passed away (2008-2010), and not having a love life. So what turned it around for me? First, my cousin named me one of his grooms men in his wedding & told me he was counting on my help. Second, my dad’s family and my mom told me they needed me to help them settle a decade long dispute over the sale of my grandfather’s house-we got it done and we became closer as a family in the process. Third, I got back in the gym and made commitment to living and eating healthy, as well as loving myself and re-adopting happiness as a way of life (I’m happy by nature)-I’m in the best shape of my life, lost all the weight I gained, and now weigh less than I did my final two years in HS-it helped getting a trainer and then making friends with someone going thru similar weight struggles as me. Every day I also try and laugh and smile at least once. Fourth, I hired a bar exam tutor and registered for this July’s exam. Fifth I finally came up with career goal-be a judge. Sixth, I went back to another passion of mine-basketball, it taught me lessons in my teens about never giving up despite being not being the most gifted athlete, and how you need to embrace failure before you can taste success (somewhere between undergrad and law school I lost that).

            M.T. I hope these annecdotes help provide some inspiration for your situation. Don’t lose hope.

            • HandsomeDarkKnight

              Oh this might help too. I also volunteer once a week at a local inner city church after school program helping kids between 1-9th grade maintain and exceed their reading and math levels. Being able to give myself back to the community despite not being able to practice law right now is a great way to feel useful. And provides further motivation for me to never give up. Maybe you can consider getting involved in some type community organization where he can use his leadership skills

            • M.T.

              Thank you ever so much for your reply. It gave me another angle to work from!

    • Kaikou

      I am astonished he professed his waiting for death, letting alone YOUR death when you are the one allowing his sedentary life to operate.

      Ann B.’s suggestions sound a little far stretched for your situation, but I look forward to Sir Guy’s reply.

      Lady Kaikou

      • M.T.

        I grew up watching “The Walton’s”, the wonderful depression family tv show from the 1970’s. The oldest girl, Mary Ellen lost her husband at Pearl Harbor. A few years later, in what I thought was the worst program ever, the writers of that show had her husband found alive and living in Florida (interesting) by himself. He wanted nothing to do with the family, apparently because he lost his manhood. I’ve been thinking about that show. Maybe it wasn’t so far fetched after all. Has anyone else experienced something like this? So, back to my original question – what is a wife and relationship maintainer to do (besides the talk that is in the works!)?

    • M.T.

      You’re so right about “hiding his natural masculine attributes behind some puzzling screen of emotional turmoil” which amps the needed “talk” to a higher level. I can’t thank you enough for WWNH. You, the writer, and us, the readers, are going to change the slide America is on by living out the principles in WWNH. Let me tell you my favorite “pretty time” story. Several months after having pretty time in place my DH was rushed to the ER. Before this, I would have had to go as “a come as you are” mess; no shower, no hair fixed, no pretty dress on. This time I was ready as if I was going to church. The level of respect from emergency workers, the ER staff, visiting friends, was amazing. I am tempted to say his care may have been better because of this. Thank you for what you have done through WWNH and thank you to my WWNH friends. You all are an awesome bunch!

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness M.T.,

      I have a few more thoughts about the nature of men and women. They may help you find or figure out a better definition of the problem.

      1. WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. So, he feels good always taking and never giving. It’s a good indicator he feels incompetent, incapable, or worthless for producing anything for anyone; these emotions are at their lowest: self-respect, self-confidence, self-worth, self-image, self-love. His self-talk is filled with stinking thinking. His self-interest focuses on generating faux dignity by controlling TV, clicker, you, and meal schedule. It does have one benefit: The feeling that he’s in control of things prevents depression.

      2. With a much less intense reaction than your husband exhibits, it happens on the job this way. A guy has some job and feels responsible for it. However, his boss persistently tells him HOW to do it or constantly finds fault with his results. If the job isn’t done well, he always gets the blame, even when the boss dictated how to do it. If the job is done well, he never gets any credit. In leadership terms, he has the responsibility but not the authority to fulfill it—as he knows it should be fulfilled—but yet he’s held accountable. He reacts by simply withdrawing and doing no more than the absolute minimum to stay out of trouble. I witnessed it many times in the military but never to the degree you have seen it.

      3. As a person he has isolated himself. As a man, he has neutered himself. As a mate, he has disqualified himself. (If sexual neutering is the problem, it’s none of our business.) You aided or contributed for seven years. Overcoming that is perhaps your greatest obstacle, because you have to change your mindset and habits in the hope that he will react and adjust in ways that promote your goals.

      Finally, he’s convinced that he doesn’t deserve to be loved, so your love doesn’t penetrate his psyche much less his heart. It will reverse if he ever accepts the unconditional love of the Lord in his heart.

      Guy

      • M.T.

        The only solution is in the last line. You described him well. Point number two seems to explain why he has gradually withdrawn himself from church attendance over the past few years and all preaching (we used to listen to preaching CD’s while driving) and contact with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Now it’s a pattern of his to be sickest on Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, and Wednesday nights, our church service schedule. Thanks so much for your answer. I am now thinking how I can change my mindset and habits, a you said, keep the peace in the house, and move forward.

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