1844. Sex Difference Redux—Part 87: Where Love Begins—03


Romantic love begins with his eyes and your ears. Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. How those factors combine to fit together continues here.

21. Your man perceives your criticism as your reduced dependence on him, which he takes as less respect and gratefulness for who and what he is. On the other hand, you receive criticism, feel guilty, and usually do something as soon as you can figure out a way to fix the complaint and ease the guilt.

22. In spite of what you’ve heard and accept about winning your man by yielding sex, the way to a man’s heart continues to be through his stomach. Learning to cook far outweighs exotic or erotic appearance in keeping your man permanently devoted to you instead of sex—which could mean someone else.

23. You probably recognize that your man doesn’t love you as you love him. You love many people in many different ways. He has a single love: The person, occupation, or hobby that energizes, confirms, and upholds his sense of self-admiration the most. If you can’t appreciate, respect, and especially admire your man, don’t expect much loving appreciation to show up in his behavior.

24. Your man wants his abode, whether hut or castle, outfitted for his physical comfort. You want your nest lined with emotional comfort. Making up the difference calls for a wily chief nester and well-skilled wife.

25. The nature of your man’s behavior revolves mostly around competition and he tends to cooperate only when necessary or charmed into it by a shrewd woman. You prefer to cooperate first and compete only when necessary or challenged.

26. Your man thrives on your support and gratefulness for what he does; he knows that he deserves it. You thrive on his attentions that suggest devotion; it confirms your value to him and importance to yourself.

27. Your man’s desire for you to maintain his castle is much, much stronger than your natural objections to it. (But not your feminist-aligned objections, if any exist, or female ego opposition.)

28. Your man will call his abode a hut if he’s treated disrespectfully and call it a castle if he’s treated as the king. Your ego resists treating him as king, because you’re naturally driven to dominate your nest and his home. However, you’re blessed with the adroitness to merge and harmonize opposed self-interests.

29. When you want comfort and understanding, you seek to feel better by disclosing to a specific man and the dearer the better. When your man wants comfort and understanding, he does not disclose it but turns to a woman with whom he associates and can make himself feel better about himself.

30. Your man has several or many distinct missions in life—job, home, hobby, rest and relaxation. You have one mission—that of generating an ever-brightening, ever-rewarding life with a good man.

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 30 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.

17 Comments

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17 responses to “1844. Sex Difference Redux—Part 87: Where Love Begins—03

  1. Dear Sir Guy,

    Every woman should realize this:

    “29. When you want comfort and understanding, you seek to feel better by disclosing to a specific man and the dearer the better. When your man wants comfort and understanding, he does not disclose it but turns to a woman with whom he associates and can make himself feel better about himself.”

    HOW TRUE!

    CRITICAL to see how HUGE the difference is between men and women in the process of getting their needs met.

    The key to emotional infidelity???

    “he does not disclose it but turns to a woman with whom he associates and can make himself feel better about himself.”

    VERY CLEAR about exactly what he is doing if seeking a female who is not his spouse. And it seems like its a knee jerk reaction to his needs or neediness. He is not thinking how this crushes the woman in his life. He is just needy and doesn’t know what to do, his partner may have turned into a bit of a wall from some unresolved conflict. But he is just seeking to be gratified due to pain.

    So – more please! When there is good through-put then he will feel good about himself thus eliminating this external connecting. I read Facebook is cited in 30% of all divorces. Just more about how crucial the quality of communication is, just please more about succeeding in being that person he can turn to and feel good about himself. Its really hard from a woman’s perspective to get the flesh and bones around what words work, what phrases give affirmation in a mind’s mind, heart.

    Thank You 🙂

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness Avid Follower,
      You say, “VERY CLEAR about exactly what he is doing if seeking a female who is not his spouse. And it seems like its a knee jerk reaction to his needs or neediness. He is not thinking how this crushes the woman in his life.” True, but in seeking comfort, convenience is his likely prime motivator, which easily means secretary when wife isn’t the friendliest for exposing his feelings.
      Guy

      • Dear Sir Guy,

        “but in seeking comfort, convenience is his likely prime motivator”

        yes, that rings true to me

        so the problem is that he has a need and wants it gratified, easily

        if wife is moody or not tuned into where he is at this time in his struggles, then problems arise and then he feels like he needs somebody he can deal with who does not present those “complications”

        “wife isn’t the friendliest for exposing his feelings”

        OK so if you want to ensure emotional stability (yes, that is a woman’s question!!!) and you want to be THE friendliest one for exposing his feelings, not let someone else step in there disturbing harmony and effectively blocking intimacy from developing – what do you do???

        I take “exposing his feelings” to somehow mean helping him feel good about himself, perhaps somehow help him in handling the down moments deftly. Clear that the woman cannot be a cold fish in his time of need. BUT, if you sense he is in need, what are good ice breakers? Good ways to avoid the above trap seem to start with the woman not displaying uppity behavior over a grievance, but sensing he needs support. But please give some specific ideas if you would. Honestly, men can be touchy about this. ALL of your suggestions are welcome!

        THANK YOU 🙂

        • A.GuyMaligned

          Your Highness Avid Follower And A Lady,
          You ask for too much. Solutions can’t be found in my ideas but must come from your advanced education about men and figuring out what works for you and hubby. I have insufficient info to match up your strengths with his weaknesses or vice versa. I think the latest series is loaded with ideas for what you hope to do. The title includes this phrase: “Where Love Begins” and it starts at #1842.
          Guy

          • Dear Sir Guy,

            OK, Deal 🙂

            I found something quite good in 1715:

            “Actually, performing those initiatives regularly is not as important as never doing the opposite or never citing his shortcomings. ”

            Since reading your blog I actually have adopted a “first do no harm” attitude. Things you write of have shown me sensitivities that I did not know exist in men. I am grateful. It has helped a lot. I will keep looking into “Where Love Begins”

            THANK YOU 🙂

    • Lisette

      will you better explain “better through put”…..?
      I want to understand, so I can work on that.

      • “Through put” – is like when you set up your broadband account for internet service and you start connecting with your new internet provider sever and then the new information flows between your machine and the main frame machine out there somewhere providing the service – it is a phrase I used to mean better connection with one another, being in touch realizing the effect you are having on one another, sharing joy when joyful, being open to hear one another, and when one has gone silent or numb, asking the right questions sensitively

  2. Some Other Guy

    I agree w/ all of these except #22. I’ve been married for 25 years. food is not a priority for me. Sex is. if there is any issue that my wife and I have it is sex. Food is not part of the equation.

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Sir Some Other Guy,

      I presume no shortcoming on your part, but wife could easily perceive it. Recover your sex life with new initiatives from you. Embellish the lead-up to foreplay with affectionate words and affectionate teasing about her ability to bring harmony into your home life. Linger with foreplay as if that’s as far as you intend to go. When she sighs readiness, proceed with Act II. Now, for the most important part. For Act III, develop your expertise at intimate holding and snuggling, whispering words of gratefulness, and otherwise spend time rewarding her rather than yourself with cig, beer, or sleep.

      The less you have been like that over the years, the more likely you and wife have an issue with sex. If you think you’ve been doing those things perfectly, as men easily claim with a minor exception or two, then I venture you haven’t been perfect enough. Extend yourself further and see what happens.

      Guy

      • Some Other Guy

        You could be right here Guy. And I think my wife would be impressed by this kind of theatrics. And I do know how to turn on the charm like this. I had to pull out all of the stops to get her. Yet if this is what it takes to get laid by my very own wife. I question whether it is worth it or not. I could get a completely new girlfriend with less effort. And if that is the path of least resistance, my marriage is in trouble.

        Thanks for the input Guy.

        Sir Some Other Guy,

        Your efforts to resolve marital irregularities have earned the admiration of several readers and me. Thanks for the dialogue.

        Don’t take the following as criticism or even constructive criticism. I merely point to unidentified pressures that MAY exist. Release those pressures with definite purpose and you may resolve your dilemma as well as save your marriage (if actually under threat).

        You pulled out all the stops to win her, but you won’t pull them out to keep her? You don’t sound like that. You describe your relationship as if she’s well worth keeping.

        You speak of getting laid with your wife, which resounds to us as disrespectful by removing the specialness of wife and mate. At this end, it doesn’t fit who and what you seem to be as husband. It’s hard to imagine that you’re devoted to sex more than to her?

        Guy

        P.S. As to new bedroom tactics, the purpose is to change old habits to something more agreeable to both spouses. Practice made closer to perfect as women define it makes the bed more inviting to join her man.

        G.

        • Some Other Guy

          Ps. obviously I have some lingering resentment to work thru.
          I’d like to take my wife for a walk to start on your reconciliation procedure you gave me, but arghh, she’s not home to go w/ me. better to vent my frustration to you than to her.

        • Some Other Guy

          You are right Guy. I am not some ogre. I was feeling resentful. it’s been lingering off and on for a month or so now. Usually our disagreements get resolved pretty fast. This one is odd because of its longevity. My son is having problems w/ drugs and the other son is getting confirmed. Work adds to the stress. It seems so hard to get out of the rut.

          But I can report good news. Your comments on gratitude has helped me move past the anger. You rightly pointed out that it is completely on my shoulders to set the tone of the marriage and of the resolution to the dispute. I need to lead us forward. I understand and accept that. I just couldn’t force myself to get past the negative emotions before. My venting + your advice has helped immensely. When my wife and I both got home from work, I reached out w/ open arms for a hug. But I wouldn’t let her go. AS I was holding her I told her how much I appreciate the contributions to the family team her working gives us. BTW, I routinely use the phrase “Team *our familly name*”. The gesture of praise brightened her right up. She works to help suppport the fam, not because she likes it. It had been too long since I recognized her for that sacrifice. Oh, and she’s very good at what she does. I truly admire her ability.

          I don’t believe our issue is sex per se. that’s just the symptom. The issue seems to show up in the bedroom tho. If I can keep working the gratitude angle, and focus on what is right, everything will be fine. Logically I know I am very lucky to have her. I need to feel it now.

          Thanks Guy. Keep up the good work. Your stuff is really insightful.

          Sir Some Other Guy,

          I’m pleased for your success. I admire your objective reasoning.

          Now, have you thought of using gratitude with your son using drugs? Don’t know if it’ll work, but it should at least help some. Especially if your gratitude enables him, without you saying it directly, to see himself as appreciated as well or better than his brother. Males compete and brothers really do it. It goes from good to bad when one thinks that his parents favor the other more, aka one more valuable than the observer. It’s not the ‘more’ but the difference that makes the perceiving son turn into a harsh judge unable to judge objectively because of feeling less valuable to those that claim to love him.

          Guy

          • Some Other Guy

            I believe my wife and I do a good job of valuing our kids and we go out of our way to be fair. My parent were very equitable w/ me and my brother. My wife’s parents are awful at it. So my wife clearly sees the diff.

            We entered my son into counseling today. It is outpatient group therapy. He’ll get drug tested every week. So we will not let him quit until he tests negative for 7 straight weeks, then he will go on maintenance counseling. Our household is very low conflict. Very low yelling. I like to treat the drug and grade issues as just something to work on. Not an indictment of his being. I treat the problem as if it were an external entity that is just something we need to work on. My son is good person.

            He “only” smokes pot. And I believe it is from boredom. He is not academically inclined and feels directionless. I feel that he would excel if he had some kind of leadership role in a cause that sparked his interest.

            My brother was the same way as my son. What fixed my brother was that his GF, now his wife, told him that if he didn’t get his act together, she was going to dump him. Which is very funny. She obviously knew how to work the woman part of the relationship.

            I appreciate your thoughts Guy. If counseling doesn’t work out, I will be back for help.

            BTW, did you have kids? How many? Ages now? No worries if you’d rather not say.

            Sir Some Other Guy,

            Re son and boredom: I recently read an article about a couple that have put their first six kids into college by age 12 and (I think) two of the four more following seem on track and the last two are infants. Their secret: Help each child have fun burrowing deeply into an interesting subject of the child’s choice. Everything else is given low priority as they absorb it ‘on the fly’ so to speak while delving ever deeper into their favorite but not necessarily school subject. The parents focused on keeping them having fun. You might google it; it’s worth a read. (If I can find it in my email files, I’ll let you know.)

            Her Majesty Grace and I had three sons. Her “oldest and most precious” is now 56. “Youngest and most precious” is 51. The “‘middlest’ and most precious” died of leukemia at age 30, but he fathered our only grandchild now 30.

            Guy

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