1847. When Married Men Hit on You….


As they’ve done over the past half-century, females continue to join the man’s game. They make unmarried sex more popular, cheap, and easy. The lure of easy conquests makes men devote themselves to sex more than to one woman. Husbands hit on unconquered women as adventure, habit, or both.

If a ‘hittee’ responds with sex, the hitter’s conscience depends on his morals and devotion to wife, and he salves his conscience accordingly. If he gets negative results, just his ego is stirred. Intention does not make him unfaithful; men think that way contrary to female-think. If he does feel unfaithful after failing, his conscience guides him in another direction, which can have the accidental effect of making him feel good about indirectly honoring his wife and gaining self-admiration from it.

You ladies can help men re-domesticate themselves into better husbands. The secret lies in responding to hits by a married man in a way that stifles his libido by igniting his conscience.

WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. I feel good coaching ladies to improve their lives with men. You take hits as compliments until you see a wedding ring. You may have a standard response that makes you feel good, such as a cutting remark that proclaims your abhorrence, sends him away, and gains a little revenge for the sisterhood. A stinging rebuke usually turns him away from you, but it does nothing to encourage faithfulness to his wife. That’s okay too, but it doesn’t make a better person of either you or him, and that’s where I hope to take this post.

(Women make people better or they don’t get that way. Society is what we all do and men dominate it. Culture is why we all do what we do, and women dominate it. Why we do something comes before what we do, which means: As women go, so goes society.)

Your reaction to a married hitter should start with NOT looking down on him as if cheaters are the lowest form of life. (Cheaters are used to it and pay no attention.) Instead, ignite his conscience to the disrespect that he exhibits for females. Leave him with questions that only he can answer or with challenges that uncover his character as lacking integrity. In essence, by hitting on you, he reveals that getting sex is more important than guarding his integrity. When reminded and given time to think about it, the male nature guides men to preserve their integrity rather than destroy it with immediate gratification. When it’s their idea to choose, mature men opt for integrity. When they hit on you, your objective is to send them away thinking it’s their idea to listen to their conscience when next they face the options of conquering a fresh target or preserving their integrity.

I suggest that you search the following list of possible replies, pick your favorite thought or combination, rephrase it to meet your personality, and practice it out loud before a mirror such that it rolls smoothly off your tongue immediately after a married man hits on you. (Make no exceptions about using it regardless of how good looking a hitter may be. When you make exceptions, you make yourself vulnerable. He perceives your weakness and is encouraged to continue assertively, which further weakens your defenses even after you’ve spotted his ring.)

Women are eager to show anger and put down men that are inclined to cheat. Such men may deserve it, but they’ve learned throughout life to recover from female anger and criticism. Don’t find fault or lay on guilt. Enable him to do that to himself. Try to open his heart for self-appraisal about faithfulness and conscience. Ask questions instead of preaching.  These potential replies are designed to show how to think the next time somebody’s husband hits on you.

  • If God is against it, how can I be for it? Does that ring the bell in your (hitter’s) conscience? (Imply or follow up with something like this: If you wish to continue this chat, I’ll talk only about you, me and God. Shall we proceed? [Principle: You live up to someone higher than you; why shouldn’t the hitter do it? Devotion to God makes it easier to devote oneself exclusively to the right person.]
  • I deal with sex only through mutual devotion. How much devotion to your wife do you plan on shifting to me? What features of your character are likely to inspire any devotion out of me? [Principle: Loyalty depends on devotion, which depends on character, which depends on integrity. God strengthens devotion by teaching each of us to become a better person.]
  • Is your integrity important to you? Important to your wife? Doesn’t sex with another woman destroy your integrity? No? Well it does to most people who make themselves mature by escaping adolescence. [Principle: A cheater’s sexual activity equates to loss of integrity. Adolescents haven’t fully learned the blessings of fidelity.]
  • What about me makes you think I could or would betray a sister female? You hope to sell me on one idea, but you hide it. You disrespect your wife and think that I should enable your disloyalty. How would your loss of loyalty and my lack of self-respect make us better people or earn the admiration of God? [Principle: Unmarried sexual activity doesn’t, but control of one’s lust does make better people.]
  • You may claim to love your wife, but do you respect her as a person? I may respect her more than you. I can’t betray both my self-respect and a sister female by sleeping with her husband. Do you see cheating as betraying your mate? Or betraying your self-respect? [Principle: Cheating betrays one’s mate.]
  • Have you considered this? Men are never more handsome than when they mate with one woman for life. But some men manage to lose it. [Principle: It’s a compliment not really earned.]
  • If you don’t respect your wife when with me, why should I disrespect a sister female by associating with you? [Principle: Respect is the most fundamental characteristic of successful human relations, and unmarried sex tarnishes mutual respect.]
  • My daddy taught me this. If a man doesn’t respect his wife enough to be faithful, he won’t respect me at all. Daddy never lied. [Principle: Childhood teachings last for life. Mutual respect prevents mistreatment of others.]
  • Making out on the fly is lovemaking on the sly, which I can do without . . . so goodbye. [Principle: Throw smoke around your departure (What did she say?) by stimulating his curiosity to interpret the full meaning of that couplet. It also ignites imagination, reinforces memory, and reminds of conscience.]

If the hitter can’t be discouraged and you can’t depart the scene, this may shut him up: “I can tell you where to find some strange, free, and safe sex. If he bites, tell him to try his other hand.”

I suggest you develop your own phrasing to make married men think about their conscience and integrity. Choose and use the thoughts above to combine your response into something easy to recall and use without embarrassing yourself. Rely on the principles for guidance.

——

NOTE: I dedicate this post to Tina M., a dear friend adopted into Grace’s and my Texas family of superstars. She inspired this article.

29 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter

29 responses to “1847. When Married Men Hit on You….

  1. Fiona the Fair

    Dear wise Sir Guy,
    Thank you for this article. What about friendships with married men and married male colleagues? I am a mature woman with a happily married male colleague who is a committed Christian and faithful to his wife etc etc and also really supportive of me professionally and as a person. He is an attractive and compelling character. I am sure too that women in general fall for him. We meet for once or twice a month for work and very occasional brief coffees around work meetings. I am really fond of him – an ‘in control’ crush, you could say – and have frequently found myself thinking about him far too much over the past couple of years. Thankfully, he is not interested in me in a romantic way. I’m not being tempted so much has trying to have him in perspective and not be distracted by my feelings. I will see much less of him next year because of new commitments. I know too that if I were dating and meeting men more regularly than I do … my feelings would be in perspective. I have been very work focused for the last 4 years…But my question is …how does a wise woman who has feelings of fondness for a married man with whom she must currently work on occasions..handle that situation? Do I need to be on my guard the whole time or simply to acknowledge the attraction and not allow myself to think too much about it? Secondly, how does a single woman handle any friendships with men she finds attractive who are not trying to sleep with her?

    Many thanks,
    Fiona the Fair

    Your Highness Fiona the Fair,

    You’re already doing all the right things, you’re acting as a lady should. Unrequited love is common. Attempts to promote love of friends into romantic love usually fails at the cost of losing love of friends. (If he leans that way, forget it too. He has a wife.) I suggest you continue to keep your feelings to yourself, confidently accept that your friend just happens to be something you can’t have, and get on with other things in life.

    As to whether to think about it or not, DON’T. Find something else to implant in your mind every time a romantic thought arises about your friend. Your mind takes you toward whatever you think about, so think on things other than your friend and others who don’t initiate the showing of interest in you.

    Guy

  2. Fiona the Fair

    Dear Sir Guy,

    I am really encouraged by your response.

    It is both wise and very understanding too.

    Thank you!

    Fiona the Fair

    • Joan

      Fiona, I would also encourage making friends with his wife. Because as sure as can be, she may discover coffees with other women as a sign of emotional betrayal if he doesn’t share the friendship. Take it from one who has been there..you don’t know what is going on in their marriage and what he tells her but discovering these meetings with other women accidentally is extremely painful for a wife. He probably basks in the attention but he is also playing with fire in getting his attention needs met outside his marriage.

      • My Husband's Wife

        I think involving the wife is a great idea. I’m so frustrated today that married men/women who have friends of the opposite sex, completely disregard the spouse’s existence. Then they are surprised if something does happen or that a spouse gets jealous and feels left out. But–I feel that it’s due to disrespect for marriage in general and the lie that men and women are the same.

        There are really no boundaries it seems and it’s refreshing to see on this site that some people really do have good sense when it comes to these issues.

        Thank you all for making my day letting your virtue shine!

        • Joan

          Thank you for the compliment, but this has been an expensive and sad lesson in how even the most innocent beginning friendships can be a problem especially for (1) men going through a midlife crisis–career and feeling old and (2) even vulnerable naive young women who don’t “get” that they are being played And it is also a lesson for spouses to not assume all is well if behavior changes….that it is a phase where they spending time on a computer late into the night “job hunting” and exercising daily and whitening teeth and buying new clothes when they haven’t up until that time done so. And avoiding sex because they need to “sleep”. Husband of 32 years knew a young woman at church…high school senior, honors student, book smart etc. began to show off that he was well read and had a wide vocabulary which impressed her. Began with a letter (secretly) enclosed with a grad gift from our family (I knew her too) and then he received a ridiculously flattering thank you (not all of us…just him) and signed with all her love. I thought it odd and kind of funny but did not know he was taking this seriously and he began a daily intensive email relationship with this now college freshman, flattering her and saying how much more mature she was than her classmates, threw in a little German here and there as well as references to literature. Seriously it was like a professor student thing (40 year age difference) She was flattered of course and I didn’t know Anything about it until stumbling on the lengthy email correspondence accidentally. Not sexual but you could see how they evolved and he and she were making sure they would be at a party held the following weekend for a mutual church friend. I waited and sat across from them as he plopped right down next to her when we came and never left her side….constantly engrossed in anything she said. No heed paid to me. At the end he said he wanted to come by campus for coffee on a weekend and see her so they were planning on it (campus is about 30 minutes away and both of us work full time and had kids…he had also been neglecting all fall household chores and kid things but because he seemed depressed about being laid off and working at job hunting I picked up the slack and did a lot). When we got to the car I blew up and told him he had to stop this. He became angry and told me he could have any friends he liked and it had nothing to do with me. What followed was the last two years of him admitting he was smitten/infatuated and he had hoped for some physical relationship all the time he knew it was wrong and could go nowhere. And he wrote her an email telling her he has to end their “relationship” to focus on his marriage. I think that freaked her out a bit as she may not have been perceiving their “relationship ” the same way. He watched from afar at church, tried to overhear her conversations with her friends as she ignored him. He looked like a sad puppy. We have been through two years of counseling, he won’t leave this church (and I just don’t want him around her at all) and he says his feelings are not the same for her now so I should trust him. However over the last two years I caught him lying about trying to follow her whereabouts and activities on social media(he thought he was covering his electronic tracks but I am better at finding things out). I have been a mess in counseling and he is too as well as couples counseling.
          So you see it is fraught with danger to not include your spouse even if it is unrequited. Because it is emotionally cheating and he got his “good feelings ” from outside our marriage…he said he could be the person he wanted to be with her and she would flatter him. But marriage and making a living and raising kids and having financial problems ..that is not fun. And he was feeling old. She was on the cusp of her life and he wanted to be 20 as well. He did not think it should bother me because it was not sexual. However I believe it could have gone there because I know how girls that age who are book smart think…an older wiser man thinks you are mature and flatters you and you feel respected and are drawn in because you don’t understand that a married man doing this is really out of line. Especially if they don’t involve their spouses in the friendship. Good luck to Fiona and please reach out to the wife. She may not know you exist or know that he meets you for coffee. And if you have a crush on him do NOT ever see him alone. Always have someone with you. And make a new best friend. This has nothing but BAD in it. I have male professional friends but I tell my husband all about them and if he can he joins us at coffees or parties.
          Guys think only sex is betrayal. Not true by women. Emotional betrayal feels horrible with or without sex. It isn’t as bad with a sexual infidelity too, but it is a slippery slope, especially if you already know you have a crush or infatuation.

          • My Husband's Wife

            Dear Joan,

            I’m so sorry to hear of what happened to you. This sort of thing hurts a woman at the core of her being. It’s a tough road to recovery, but it sounds like you’re heading in the right direction. I’m sure that many people who come to this site have had similar situations–myself included. You’re not alone!

            I personally have found this site to be the best in helping me restore my self-respect / dignity and helping me to understand what makes a man tick. It is not uncommon marriage to suffer a blunt trauma…and many times they come out bonding stronger as a result. I hope this is the case for you and your husband.

            In my situation, it was an eye opener and allowed me to become a much better/attentive wife. Sure, it would have been easier if I wouldn’t have had to even deal with this sort of thing, but looking back after time has passed, it has made me much wiser and I don’t take things for granted anymore like I used to. I am much more appreciative and thankful. And maybe I can now help others who are struggling as well.

          • Thank you for sharing…especially the last paragraph!

  3. Just to clarify, this sort of “hitting on” a woman is more than just “friendly flirting”, right? And of course, this is assuming the woman is unmarried, else I suspect an acceptable recourse would be to point out that she is married and therefore committed to her husband so sleeping with him would not just enable him to cheat on his wife but would require her cheating on her husband, which is unthinkable.

    Some time ago on f/b, a man sent a private message to me which seemed to be a gentle probe of hopeful flirtation. I didn’t know this man (we had a mutual friend and both commented on the same post, and my hard-headed conservatism and femininity shone through, which I think ignited his curiosity), so he likely didn’t know I was married, and I assume he isn’t married or is divorced. Anyway, he emailed me complimenting me on my response and also saying something along the lines of me being a good-looking woman; I responded with a friendly “thanks; my husband thinks so too. :-)” He basically emailed back, “Lucky guy”, and hasn’t emailed me since. I’m fairly certain that was a proper response for the exchange, and think something similar would be good even in real life.

    Your Highness Kathy, I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your lower case comment.

    Just to clarify, this sort of “hitting on” a woman is more than just “friendly flirting”, right? [YES] And of course, this is assuming the woman is unmarried, [NO IT ALSO APPLIES TO WIVES.] else I suspect an acceptable recourse would be to point out that she is married [YES, THAT MAKE WIVES FEEL GOOD BUT IT’S NOT THE BEST WAY] and therefore committed to her husband so sleeping with him would not just enable him to cheat on his wife but would require her cheating on her husband, which is unthinkable.[YOU’RE RIGHT AND WOMEN MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL GOOD BY BRAGGING ABOUT IT, BUT IT DOESN’T IMPRESS MEN ON THE PROWL. A WIFE’S WORTHINESS TO ANOTHER MAN TEACHES HITTERS ONLY THAT SHE’S PRESENTLY OCCUPIED; THE HITTER MAY GIVE UP OR NOT ACCORDING TO NON-VERBALS THEY EXCHANGE. IN SHORT, HITTERS FEEL NO OBLIGATION TO RECOGNIZE HER MARRIAGE. SHE IMPRESSES HERSELF BUT NOT HIM. CONSEQUENTLY, CITING HER MARRIAGE MAKES IT LOOK LIKE AN EXCUSE.]

    [ALSO, HE READS HER THAT SHE MIGHT PARTICIPATE IF SHE WERE NOT MARRIED. INCREASING THE MAGNITUDE OF AN IMMORAL OFFENSE BY CITING THAT TWO PEOPLE WOULD BE CHEATING DIMINISHES THE MAGNITUDE OF THE MORALITY OF THE OFFENSE. WOMEN NEED NOT DEFEND THEMSELVES. THEY HAVE OTHER OPTIONS AND CAN DO BETTER BY DUMPING THE IMMORALITY OF HIS OFFENSE ON THE HITTER’S CONSCIENCE.]

    Some time ago on f/b, a man sent a private message to me which seemed to be a gentle probe of hopeful flirtation. I didn’t know this man (we had a mutual friend and both commented on the same post, and my hard-headed conservatism and femininity shone through, which I think ignited his curiosity), so he likely didn’t know I was married, and I assume he isn’t married or is divorced. Anyway, he emailed me complimenting me on my response and also saying something along the lines of me being a good-looking woman; I responded with a friendly “thanks; my husband thinks so too. 🙂 ” He basically emailed back, “Lucky guy”, and hasn’t emailed me since. I’m fairly certain that was a proper response for the exchange, and think something similar would be good even in real life. [I AGREE. WELL DONE AND STERLINGLY APPROPRIATE FOR THE SITUATION. MADE YOU FEEL GREAT TOO THAT YOU’D ATTRACTED SOME ATTENTION, RIGHT? NOW THAT YOU ESTABLISHED RULES OF THE GAME, FUTURE MEETINGS CAN BE FRIENDLY AS NEITHER OFFENDED THE OTHER.]

    Guy

  4. Lyndeeloo

    What if a woman is hit on by a man who appears to be a good man and claims to be single, he asks for her number and she gives it to him, then he calls to ask her out, but before the date she discovers he is married with children?

    This just happened to me. This man and I live in nearby cities. I was informed through a third party that he is married. A simple online search confirmed it. He doesn’t know that I know. Should I simply break the date without mentioning that I know he’s married?

    Your Highness Lyndeeloo,

    Welcome back. Seeing your screen name always brings a smile.

    Yes, I suggest you break it. If he inquires why, unload on him (not angrily) about the moral and integrity implications of betraying his wife and expecting you to disrespect a sister female. You can’t do it directly, but indirectly you can enable him to stir his conscience. It could help his wife in the future.

    Guy

    • Lyndeeloo

      Thank you. You can always be relied on to provide thoughtful, practical advice. A man is never so dashing as when he comes to a lady’s rescue!

      • Lyndeeloo

        I have an update and request for further advice.

        I made it clear I was not interested in any further contact with this man and have gone so far as to block his phone number. (The reason for blocking his number is I’ve learned that he is a convicted sex offender. He served time for rape.) After blocking his number, I began receiving calls from a “restricted number”. I did not answer any of the calls. Tonight I had three calls from a restricted number and a voice mail. It was from him. It was not threatening. It was calm and polite, stating that he knew I’d blocked his number but he still wants to talk to me. He’s “glad he met me and if I ever want to talk, please give him a call.” He ended the voice mail with “God bless”. (One of the reasons I initially felt comfortable with him is that he holds a leadership position at his church.)

        I’m very uncomfortable with his behavior, especially considering his role in church.

        I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but I feel frightened. He hasn’t threatened me, but I’m very uneasy in the pit of my stomach. I’ve told a close friend and a couple family members what’s going on. Their opinions and advice are divided. I’m having trouble sleeping tonight. I’d appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

        Your Highness Lyndeeloo,

        I regret this. I can’t advise about your situation. It appears to have grown into a legal matter.

        I can say this: Trust what the pit of your stomach tells you. It knows the full spectrum of your interests, life, and hopes and is inspired by instinct and reinforced by God’s love.

        Guy

        • soloduckgrowingup

          Lady Lyndeeloo, I am lurking and felt alarmed when I read your comment. I totally agree with Sir Guy that this may be a legal matter and hope that you will address it accordingly if need be. Please attend closely, too, to the warnings your gut gives you. If it is your gut’s intention to have this man completely out of your life then I would, on the next occasion he phones, make it completely clear you do not want him to phone you or have any other contact with you again and do not engage whatever his response, just repeat “no more contact”, no need to complain or explain even in this situation – “don’t complain, don’t explain” – just tell him if he contacts you again. If he doesn’t take heed and calls again after you hang up or, God forbid, somehow turns up at your home, then I would commence in whatever direction action along legal\policing lines involves. Please take care of yourself and all the best.

          • Lyndeeloo

            Thank you both.

            He somehow got the number of my place of employment even though I did not give him the number, location, or name of the place I work. He called several times today. The last time he wouldn’t speak. He just breathed into the phone.

            I consulted a family friend who is a lawyer and was urged to contact the authorities. When I called the police, they told me to come in first thing in the morning to file an official complaint.

            I won’t share anything further, but I urge others in the dating scene to be vigilant. I’m from a very safe area. Situations like this are rare here, but it seems they can happen anywhere.

  5. Hi Sir Guy,
    You don’t know how much I appreciate this article. It’s a godsend because no one taught me/us how to deal with “good” married men. I’m always shocked when a “good” meaning Christian, church-going, guy with high positions in the church does this. So you have helped me a lot. Naturally, I will share with other women who need it as well. Thank you for your (man’s) perspective and your help.

  6. Cocoa

    Sir Guy, I shared the above article with a female relative, and she asked me, does the same apply to men in a relationship, not married but have partners. I could not answer as this matter is puzzling me too. What is the difference between “Married” and “Partners”? I understand legally they are the same, am guessing morally too.

    Also, how do you respond to people when they challenge and say “Why get married, what’s the difference? It’s just a piece of paper and means nothing?

    Thanks in advance.

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    How do you figure legally and morally they are the same? My value system claims that legal contracts and moral obligations have a vital role in life if one wants to be a better or even good person. But that’s another matter.

    Re last paragraph:

    • The difference is like being bound by string or rope. Men prefer string. Women prefer rope. Men prefer the commitment of words. Women prefer the devotion shown by actions. Men prefer partners. Women prefer husbands. Men rule to women’s and children’s disadvantage as long as women permit it.

    • The person lacks character who claims marital papers mean nothing (and vows by my presumption). They value easy escape over obligation to someone else, freedom of other options over integrity, courage to face unanticipated responsibility, honesty and will power to stick by their words, etc., etc., etc.

    Re first paragraph: Does what apply to partners? Post 1847 is quite extensive.

    Guy

    • Anne

      I think if a man says “its just a piece of paper” he hasn’t been properly “caught” by a woman-of-standard. I think if a woman says “its just a piece of paper” she lacks knowledge about how deeply and fully she is *served* by that piece of paper. I’m convinced marriage (the vows in front of God, family, and friends) is allllllllll for the long-term-benefit of the WOMAN!

      Your Highness Anne,
      Of course on all points.
      Guy

      • Cocoa

        It’s interesting and I understand maybe why men don’t and won’t commit till they are caught by an ‘extraordinary’ woman. What puzzles me is that there are women now who are reluctant to ask for marriage and they are happy living as ‘Partners’! Or so they told me when I asked: “So you guys are not married?!”

        Anne, I agree with your comment and also with Guy’s rope verses strings. However, it is a shame these days that courts treat ‘Shack up’ relationships the same as marriage! And that’s how people assess their relationships these days, at least from the financial side of things.

  7. I choose not to disclose

    My goodness. Words cannot express how grateful I am for this article/blog/post. I never thought that I’d have to use it; I guess, in some respects, I’m a bit naive or simply just do not want to believe that a married man would ever have the audacity/lack of integrity to come on to me, or any other woman, for that matter. But it happened. Today. And I’m pretty sure that he was sorry that he did after I was through with him lol Luckily, it was through a text message that our conversation occurred. No matter, this was my response:

    “[His name]….You’re married. You’re so very married. And [his wife’s name] has given you a gorgeous son. I would never take part in anything that jeopardized the family that God has blessed you with. What about me makes you think that I could/would ever betray [wife’s name]? Even though I don’t know her (and you’re lucky), I’m pretty sure she thinks that you’re the best thing since sliced bread. Yet you disrespect her and think that I should enable your disloyalty? How would your lack of loyalty and my self-respect make us better people or earn the admiration of God? On top of that, if you don’t respect your wife enough to be faithful, you definitely won’t respect me at all. I’m not here to lecture you–you’re a grown man–but it’s choices like the one you decided to make when you texted me that make it hard for women, specifically women of color, to trust, let alone feel safe and secure, when it comes to men. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who gives his life, love, time, and devotion to the love of his life–one woman, and one woman only. If I were you, I’d think long and hard about making another choice like that. Be thankful that I don’t stoop so low as to show the text messages to your wife/put it all over Facebook, etc. You might not be so lucky next time. There are so many men (and women) out there who would kill to have what you have. Have a wonderful life, [his name]. And be grateful for it.”

    I think that women (and men as well) should stick together and discourage such behavior. I’ve never seen it as attractive and the first thing I thought of was his family (whom he talks about on FB non-stop, posts pictures of, etc.) Anyway, it’s pretty noticeable that I took from the article and tweaked it, as it was suggested that I do. Thank you so very much, again<3

    Your Highness I Choose Not to Disclose,
    Thank you. I love it when pretty women have such great success in restoring male respect.
    Guy

  8. ruth

    I read a few paragraphs, and the question that springs to mind is – appeal to what conscious?! And – why ‘appeal’?
    Married men hitting on women are a type, it’s as simple as that. There are types of men who don’t cheat, and types who do.

    You just need to find the forums where men discuss their sexual frustration within marriage when for example their wife has given birth and is off sex for a long while, and read about how they have no interest in an affair, they just want the woman they love to love them back. Many men are faithful – you don’t see much off them because they’re not hitting on women all the time.

    So next time a married man hits on you, just tell yourself he’s a ‘type’. There’s no getting around it, people rarely change their type of behaviour unless they’ve experienced a MASSIVE life crisis

    I’ve been hit on loads of times by married or attached men, and I don’t get involved, though I enjoy the attention to be honest. But I know immediately what sort of man he is, i.e. one you don’t get into a relationship with.

    There’s nothing to analyse or navel gaze about here. Focus on what’s positive in your life, not people who offer you dregs. What’s worth exploring is how to make yourself more confident and have the self esteem to say no to crappy offers.

    In some cases a man will leave his wife for another woman, but it’s rare, and usually involves the ‘mistress’ putting her foot down and setting boundaries

    I see a lot of women wondering ‘what is it about me that attracts married men’? You’re attractive. Full Stop. Enjoy the attention, it means you’re sexually attractive, but also you’re more than that

    Your Highness Ruth,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

    • gonemaverick

      It feels like a curse sometimes.

      Your Highness Gonemaverick,
      Now, darling, imagine for one moment you don’t have what it takes. Do you really know what it means to be lonely by isolation and not admired? Not appreciated for who and what you appear to be? Of so little apparent value that you attract no attention? What it is to be less than appealing or even less than that? You’re so blessed, and I regret that you may sometimes question it.
      Guy

  9. Andromeda

    Sir Guy, the married man happens to be the manager I work with. He is married with 2 children. He was a man I respected but he told me one day that my thoughts keep coming to him. I was taken aback and was not expecting this from him since I make sure that my interactions with men at workplace is official other than which I only ask about his family. I had met his family before and I told him he has a daughter and asked him if he would like it if such a thing happened to his daughter. He replied that he knew I would ask him this and told me not to judge him based on this incident. I told him not to speak about this again.

    He later apologized after a few days saying he realizes how foolish he was to talk such things. I thought that was the end of it but because of some of his actions at work I suspected that he did not let go of this completely . Also, I recently came to another country for an official visit and he called me to tell me that he was not able to sleep or eat properly because he was feeling guilty about what he had said. He wanted me to promise him that I would not talk to anyone about it. I told him I did not want to talk anything related to this, but he was adamant. I repeatedly told him that I did not want to talk about it. I finally agreed that I would not disclose it to anyone so that he would stop that conversation.

    Don’t married men stop hitting on women if they feel guilty about it? I am not sure if I encouraged him in some way due to which maybe he has not let go of this? I feel that may be I was not stern enough in my responses to him such that he backs off completely. I am not in a position to ignore him completely since we work together (I report to him) and would appreciate any advice you can provide to deal with this. My instincts say that he is still hung up on me though he does not say it.

    Your Highness Andromeda,

    You’re doing all the right things. Keep it up but cautiously. Don’t let him know he’s worthless as both associate and persuader. If you go too far, he will retaliate out of spite. His dishonest persistence generates faux dignity, i.e., ‘face’ that he must save if you are too candid pointing out his bad habits and disrespect of family, work environment, and you.

    You probably won’t ever find satisfaction with your boss. So, start looking secretly for another job. When you tender your resignation, don’t let his promises convince you to stay. He will follow it with more broken promises. He’s a disgrace to his employer, family, bossing, husbanding, and fathering. After you leave, he will try to hound someone else into bed.

    Guy

  10. Andromeda

    Many thanks for your advice Sir Guy. I hope that you are recovering steadily with God’s grace from the recent loss of your beloved.

    Your Highness Andromeda,
    Thank you, my dear.
    Guy

  11. Maria

    All this yapping you want me to have with the married man… I just look away and shake my head, and he understands. Unspoken words: “I wish I could but you’re married.” “Yeah I know.” Kiss on the cheek, goodbye, end of story.

    Your Highness Maria,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You’re right. Indirectness works best. You’ve figured out what works for you, but not everyone has figured out what works best for them.

    About the kiss on the cheek. Why and whose cheek? Just curious.

    Guy

  12. Screwedover

    I have been slandered, ostracized and fired repeatedly for NOT accepting the offer of sex at work. The rejection makes (married!) men crazy enough to want to destroy you and your career. In some fields there is no recourse (like human resources)…instead, they will protect each other until the end.

    Your Highness Screwedover,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Females inherit at birth so many unique blessings, instinctive reactions, and intuitive skills that none should have to undergo your experience. Women are enabled to outsmart masculine desires so smoothly that men like if not love it.

    Admittedly, if not learned as a girl, it can be impractical but not impossible to learn in adulthood. This blog is all about learning the knowledge needed about human nature for women to develop that and other techniques for getting their way even when contrary to masculine intent.

    Your story intrigues me because of other battles new to analysis and discussion here. I hope you stick around a while. Your experiences suggests you may help readers and me all uncover new solutions to even out the battle of the sexes.

    Guy

  13. Femme

    Dear Sir Guy,
    a situation arose for me recently with a married man, with the additional problem of him being the husband of a very good friend of mine.

    They are both not very religious and she seems to be a rather liberal wife.
    But anyway, our children often play together.
    I have noticed in the past that he tends to touch me – whenever I stand close enough – on the shoulder or arm.
    He also made a sexual remark once, in front of all the other ladies even though I’m not sure they noticed.
    His behaviour is also quite flirtatious (he is a very self assured man) towards a lot of people.
    I never know how to respond to this light touching especially that he tends to do it right in front of others. It makes me want to just slap his hand because I don’t like to be touched this way.
    But I attributed it to it being a cultural thing (Italians, for example, touch each other a lot without any sexual context. He is not Italian but also from a culture that might be considered “hot blooded”) and was prepared to grin and bear it.
    Then last week, he came to collect his daughter from my place and stayed (should I say overstayed), kissed me good bye on both cheeks (thanking for taking care of his child) and then – he briefly touched my breast! Then quickly laughed about it, as I just instinctively put my hands up to protect myself.
    Everything was very friendly and I didn’t want to create a scene in front of 2 little kids. But something tells me it wasn’t quite as accidental as he tried to make it.
    I don’t know what to think/do.
    I mean I know this sort of thing makes me feel extremely uncomfortable but I don’t know how to let him know that. I wouldn’t like to change my behaviour very visibly when I’m with both of them so that my friend doesn’t start to wonder why because then I would have to lie.
    I also wouldn’t like him to come collect the child from my flat any more, just in case.
    What could I say/do in this situation considering the fact that I really like and respect my friend and we see each other often? How do I avoid him collecting his child from my place without raising suspicions?
    A part of me is really angry with him for putting me through this.
    I would really appreciate your words of advice.
    Thank you.

    Your Highness Femme,

    You have to keep it between you and him. I suggest you get him aside in a quiet moment and tell him unexpectedly, “You are wearing out your welcome in my company.
    Please rethink your game plan, as I like to keep all my friends.” Nothing more, no specifics. Let him figure it out.

    Don’t explain or complain regardless of what he claims, explains, or accuses. Proceed by forgiving his behavior and forgetting your offense as if nothing ever happened. You don’t want his wife to sense a strained relationship between her husband and you, because she will read it as keeping something from her, doubt and suspicion will set in, and your friendship with her will suffer.

    Guy

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