1854. She Resents His Inattention and Lack of Affection


Her Highness Sara asked for clarification of soundbite #85 in post 1853, which reads this way:

“85. Predominately you are a giver and your man a taker. Marital strength lies with an imbalance accepted as fair by you and perceived as near equal by him. (If you expect equality in giving, it pushes him into seeking fairness and causes the imposition of his dominant nature to create it. You benefit the most when you see fairness, which frees him to make mutual giving more nearly equal at his discretion.)”

When women consider what they give to and receive from their man to be a fair exchange, they feel good about their relationship. However, when they sense it to be unfair or see a need for equality, it switches their attitude from ‘cooperate’ to ‘compete’. They want more and they go for it (usually more attention, affection, and thoughtfulness).  So, they confront him directly aka competitively.  They complain, accuse, and blame.

A man doesn’t compete with his woman once he conquers her for first-time sex. He avoids, escapes, or wins any competition by imposing his dominant nature, ignoring or squelching her arguments, and ending the matter on his terms. After that he’s less interested in an equal-enough level of giving and taking as he previously viewed it. His attitude shifts. He’s no longer obligated except to make the exchange fair, he owes her that, but his disappointment causes her to appear less likeable. Consequently, whatever attention, affection, and thoughtfulness he paid her earlier, it now declines.

Her situation worsens in terms of what he gives of himself. Ironically, she blames him and it prompts her to try harder and she pushes them through the same cycle again. Their relationship crumbles a little more each time she verbally insists that she’s shortchanged.

She has a more effective alternative. Instead of blaming him, she can put her relationship expertise into practice. Instead of directly confronting him, she can use indirectness, gratitude, and patience. With hints and seed planting, she can shape his thoughts into pleasing her better and more often. By finding gratefulness in his qualities (and ignoring weaknesses), she can increase the value of whatever he gives. By ‘growing’ her patience, she can more easily smother her negative thoughts about him.

It’s not the big things that hold a couple together, such as love, devotion, and faithfulness. Hundreds of little negatives poison those more poignant emotions. Irritants, nuisances, and annoyances—such as belittling retorts, thoughtless embarrassments, and disrespectful humiliations—accumulate until they make one or both spouses unlikeable to the other. Their relationship crumbles from the excess weight of the negatives.

7 Comments

Filed under How she loses

7 responses to “1854. She Resents His Inattention and Lack of Affection

  1. Sara

    So patience, gratitude, and acceptance of how the man shows his love is the way to go then. ‘Competing’ for more attention definitely sounds like a relationship killer. Thanks for the more in-depth post!!!

    Your Highness Sara,
    Sure, those three factors enable a woman to come across as a cooperator rather than competitor, a blessing to have nearby rather than someone that generates unlikableness.
    Guy

  2. Anon...

    WOW I just read the Bible and found a verse Deuteronomy 24:5 : It said that when a man MARRIES, he is supposed to ‘cheer her up’ aka be romantic to his wife for one year. If he didnt, feel like it, he had to make himself do it.

    The problem with that is, that, ,many men dont read the Bible, so they wouldnt know. I believe this is the reason for the Honeymoon after marriage. It goes into further detail than just romance, like not becoming a soldier, etc.

  3. Jessica

    Absolutely amazing Guy. You described my recent breakup almost to an atomic level. I knew the root of it was allowing first sex too soon. I decided to let it go after another disagreement in how much attention he chooses to give me, even after my recent graduation from graduate school.

    I know I am beautiful. I model and workout religiously. He is also very attractive, given that he is a personal trainer at the gym we met at.

    I feel that there was very little chance of redeeming myself or the direction of the relationship…so I let it go.

    I praise myself for the decision to this & will fix my attention on the hard-headed, soft-hearted woman I desire to become.

  4. Brown_eyes

    Mr. Guy, hello again! Happy weekend!
    Could you please direct me to a post where the differences between dating, courting, and engagement are mentioned? How long does each one last? How do you transition from one to another?
    Thank you so much for everything you do, I can’t wait to be on summer vacation to start your WWNH University!

    Your Highness Brown Eyes,
    The differences you ask about are simple: He asks for dates. When through actions (and not just words) he proves himself devoted (and not just committed) to her and her interests, it’s courtship. When he asks her to marry him, it’s engagement. The differences depend on how the guy ACTS toward her to the romantic exclusion of other women.
    Guy

  5. “…Instead of directly confronting him, she can use indirectness, gratitude, and patience…” In addition to this, what works for me is to not put all my eggs in one basket and expect my husband to be the bane of my emotional sustenance, when I feel the urge to directly confront- I take that as a sign that I have let my life get “too small” and that I need to reach out to family friends, community, hobbies etc.

    I believe in the power of “focus” as taught by personal development guru Anthony Robbins. He teaches that what we focus on becomes bigger- I think I can hear it better from TR because there isn’t a concept of it being tired to my so-called feminine nature of which I don’t have much of— but nonetheless the advice is true. Some things are intolerable to no matter how grateful for the positives one may be- and that when “girl game” or what Guy would call Relationship Expert strategies some into play. It all about manipulation really. The foundation of feminity.

    Your Highness Dawn,

    If I read your correctly, you translate ‘relationship expert’ to mean manipulation as the foundation of femininity. You have misinterpreted my postings on the subject. Feminine women may manipulate, but it’s a practice that arises out of their experience but not their nature. To understand how the terms relate, let me describe how they operate and their anticipated results in real life.

    + ‘Relationship expert’ summarizes the group of gender-unique skills that enable females to more successfully than men promote, protect, and preserve relationships between men and women. Women have the advantage.

    + ‘Femininity’ summarizes the nature of female instincts, virtues, and relationship qualities that most closely and clearly attracts a man for a permanent relationship. It gives women a unique advantage unavailable to men.

    + Manipulation’ summarizes the skills and results of purposely tricking someone by using devious, deceitful, and disrespectful methods. Manipulators lose their relationship advantages and ultimately suffer unexpected consequences.

    Therefore, I must disagree with you (but it takes nothing away from my admiration for your marital achievement).

    Guy

  6. Cocoa

    Hello sir Guy, i was trying to convince my sister with all the abovementioned. But i failed! So i navigated the blog and we read together multiple posts, she loved them all (especially boob language! ). However, when reading the 4th para “a man doesn’t……” she asked: what if they are not married, meaning he hasn’t conquered her? Does he still see it as compition ?

    My sister is 13 years younger than me and she is more into asking for attention and affection than i am. So, sir Guy, do you think there is a difference? I think there is a little bit but still she can turn him Off especially if he is one of the quieter more action oriented men…

    Thanks in advance…

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    Not marriage but conquest is the watershed that separates her competing from cooperating with him.

    Until he conquers her for their first sex together, either before or after marriage, a man expects and will compete with a woman over many other things too. After conquest, he changes. He expects cooperation as his due for having won the conquerors’ competition. The ‘lordly’ position he won is threatened by the prospects of losing on any issue to a conquered woman, so that’s an amplifying reason that her competing with him after conquest is unacceptable.

    Guy

    • Cocoa

      Thanks sir Guy, so i guess from what you’ve explained above that she should be relatively safe (as in not offending him). She just gets annoyed at him if he was late in responding to her, if he promised to visit or meet her and he failed or if he does not call regularly! I tell her i see that he cherrish her but that he could be busy with his work and studies (he’s doing his masters ) . She said if he doesn’t respect me now he will never do it after marriage (i connect marriage to conquest as it is wired like this with me and my sister). Mum agrees with me, but i told them that i will ask an expert :).
      She is such a stubborn young lady. Hmm i think i was a bit like that when i was her age!

      Your Highness Cocoa,

      If he’s working on his masters, it’s his job. She may not like it. A man’s job may not rate higher but in daily priorities it comes before his woman.

      Her annoyance is pressure that tends to drive men away. She will be better off listening to you about how he cherishes her and what of his ACTIONS signify that he’s becoming devoted to her. She can’t have exactly what she wants until the process of living is over and she looks back and enjoys what went before. IOW, Mr. Right appears twenty years down the marital road after her patient and indirect influence shapes Mr. Good Enough and their marriage into fulfilling her hopes and dreams.

      Guy

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