Her Highness Sara asked for clarification of soundbite #85 in post 1853, which reads this way:
“85. Predominately you are a giver and your man a taker. Marital strength lies with an imbalance accepted as fair by you and perceived as near equal by him. (If you expect equality in giving, it pushes him into seeking fairness and causes the imposition of his dominant nature to create it. You benefit the most when you see fairness, which frees him to make mutual giving more nearly equal at his discretion.)”
When women consider what they give to and receive from their man to be a fair exchange, they feel good about their relationship. However, when they sense it to be unfair or see a need for equality, it switches their attitude from ‘cooperate’ to ‘compete’. They want more and they go for it (usually more attention, affection, and thoughtfulness). So, they confront him directly aka competitively. They complain, accuse, and blame.
A man doesn’t compete with his woman once he conquers her for first-time sex. He avoids, escapes, or wins any competition by imposing his dominant nature, ignoring or squelching her arguments, and ending the matter on his terms. After that he’s less interested in an equal-enough level of giving and taking as he previously viewed it. His attitude shifts. He’s no longer obligated except to make the exchange fair, he owes her that, but his disappointment causes her to appear less likeable. Consequently, whatever attention, affection, and thoughtfulness he paid her earlier, it now declines.
Her situation worsens in terms of what he gives of himself. Ironically, she blames him and it prompts her to try harder and she pushes them through the same cycle again. Their relationship crumbles a little more each time she verbally insists that she’s shortchanged.
She has a more effective alternative. Instead of blaming him, she can put her relationship expertise into practice. Instead of directly confronting him, she can use indirectness, gratitude, and patience. With hints and seed planting, she can shape his thoughts into pleasing her better and more often. By finding gratefulness in his qualities (and ignoring weaknesses), she can increase the value of whatever he gives. By ‘growing’ her patience, she can more easily smother her negative thoughts about him.
It’s not the big things that hold a couple together, such as love, devotion, and faithfulness. Hundreds of little negatives poison those more poignant emotions. Irritants, nuisances, and annoyances—such as belittling retorts, thoughtless embarrassments, and disrespectful humiliations—accumulate until they make one or both spouses unlikeable to the other. Their relationship crumbles from the excess weight of the negatives.