1868. Wife Loves another Man


Her Highness Cocoa at #1629 says I “feel guilty and sinful without doing anything.” Married for 18 years with two sons, she relates an exciting, growing, and emerging love for a coworker who seems to have mutual interest. She concludes with “Where to go and what to do!!!??? Uhhhhh!” She’s also creating a program using this blog to teach teen girls in church. I respond to her personally.

——

Your Highness Cocoa,

Elsewhere you ask, “What’s totally faithful?!” To men it’s physical fidelity. To women it’s emotional fidelity. Your natures are like that. You have to figure out what it means in both your conscience and family.

As to you and coworker, I offer the following.

  1. You face the perennial battle between heart and mind. Men handle it fairly easy compared to women. You need a strategy. If you’re ready right now to dump family in order to mate with a relative unknown, then you need an offensive strategy to escape the best you can. If not, then you need a defensive strategy. If you seek an offensive strategy, I’m not the right guy to consult. If you seek a defensive strategy, stay tuned to what follows.
  2. You say you married without being in love. If parents matched you with a mate, then you may not have been in love at the time. But, my dear, you can’t have cared for husband and children for 18 years and not be in love today. It may be an unexciting love compared to what you feel about the coworker, but it has worked to the solidarity of you and family. If your culture allowed you to marry for love, then you must have had some love in your heart. Either way, after 18 years of married life, elements of boredom are common. CAUTION! Stable love built over years can’t be compared to teen-like hormonal love that now seems to flood you. (It’s apples and oranges again.) So, don’t compare the promise of new hope against what you built with hope.
  3. Your guilt arises from your sense of infidelity because you are attracted to someone else. If you don’t cheat physically you likely remain faithful in husband’s eyes. Your life and conscience hang in the balance of what you do about your situation. It’s your female equivalent of husband’s forthcoming mid-life crisis. Reassessment of your life thus far facing up to your natural need to brighten your future.
  4. My advice: Appreciate that you remain attractive and desirable at your age and after generating a great family. But pay more attention to how well you’re respected by men in your life for that’s where masculine love starts.
  5. Start a journal that you’re willing to let anyone read. Don’t mention the other man or your associations or feelings. Each day record AT LEAST three other things about which you are grateful. Repeat this one each day: “To my husband, I remain attractive, desirable, and well-respected.”
  6. Brighten your future by spending more time paying closer attention to the interests of husband and sons. Find gratefulness in being able, in doing it, and in posting to your journal.
  7. In the journal include your sense of self-importance for teaching young girls in church how to be better girls, churchgoers, teens, friends, sisters, siblings, women, wives, mothers, homemakers, and even grannies. Be sure to emphasize the role that loyalty, character, and mutual respect play in those roles and  loving a mate.
  8. As to the other man think on this. What do you REALLY, REALLY know about his character, intentions, and ability to provide/protect, show affection, listen, and consider your feelings. You spent 18 years getting yourself and husband conditioned to making those factors at least adequate and perhaps great. I suspect you have nothing but hope to help make a decision against husband and family. Is hope enough to desert them, or do you think first-love is enough? Be careful not to let the need to satisfy your curiosity and excite your imagination spoil your life.
  9. Also, think on this ABOVE ALL. How would he change if you yielded sex to him? You can never know until after the fact if he is after you or just sex. Analyze your newfound hope and emerging love against the fact that men change after conquest. (Women are very poor at figuring it out before conquest.)
  10. You say, “I answer what I want and dodge what I don’t.” Brilliant. It’s exactly what a mature lady does to handle attention she loves but can do nothing about.
  11. This should squelch your last bit of hope for imagined new love. You say, he “changed from not respecting to respecting….” So, he changed? He became motivated to show more respect when either you or he showed interest in the other? It’s a red flag.
  12. I suggest you prepare one or more lady-like responses to deter his next move to advance his agenda. If and when he shows the least lack of respect at your responses, you can conclude he’s only after sex in the first place.

Finally, good women are much more valuable to themselves as builders and maintainers of families than they are as lovers. Starting over at your age and stage of life leaves hardly enough time to do much other than impress your heart with teen-like hormonal heat. If you start over, how does the future brighten when you are constantly reminded of what you left behind? Think on this: Two sons and perhaps an ex pulling backward on you while new man pulls in another (worthwhile, brighter, promising?) direction.

Guy

44 Comments

Filed under How she wins

44 responses to “1868. Wife Loves another Man

  1. Some Other Guy

    Cocoa needs to understand that men will be on their best behavior, be charming, witty, attentive and just plain perfect, until we have had sex with with you. It is only after that, after we have ruined your marriage that you find out that we only wanted sex from you. Sure you’re nice enough and we like having sex with you. But who said anything about a long term thing with you? The other man will never tell you this before he does you.

    Whatever you do, do not sleep w/ the other man. Just like if you had never married and this guy were pursuing you. You would not want to give him sex until you had a commitment. Guy is very clear on this.

    Think about your kids too. Your kids will find out that you cheated. And they will hate you for it. Even if you have done all of the good work in the marriage, you will get no credit for that. They will blame everything on you.

    Your life will be much better if you try working on your marriage and stay faithful.

    Sir Some Other Guy,
    Thanks again. Your thoughts, expressions, and thoughtfulness remain sterling.
    Guy

    • mYstiQue

      I’m GLAD she came to her senses, because when a couple with kids commit adultery, they hurt the kids MORE than the spouse themselves…the spouses could always get another partner, but kids cannot really get other parents….and the generations has a ‘split’ in them (people need to think ahead)
      IMO, this even could be A reason why homosexual or GAY marriage is even on the books
      Also, when a dad cheats on the mom, the daughter will NEVER trust men again, and will continue to pick LOSER after LOSER

  2. Cocoa

    Dear Guy & SOG, many thanks,
    Guy, your response (a dedicated article, wow!) is like a glass of cold water to thirsty soul. As mentioned before I thank The Lord for my life and know well we don’t get everything in life.

    I like the term ‘ teen-like hormonal love’ hmmm seems like that’s it. How dare I!

    I will remain faithful physically and with the help of Jesus will get over the emotional bit. Will withdraw gracefully and slowly.

    Can you please excuse my slowness and draw more on dot point 11. Why is this a red flag? Isn’t it a good sign if a man change to please?!
    What are examples of ‘lady like responses’?

    Will start on girls boot camp series. Will focus on my husband’s good traits. Will invest in my sons’ future. Will remain attractive to all men and especially to my husband.

    Cheers.

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    Some Other Guy just responded to your red flag question far better than I could. So, I let that stand as is.

    Examples of lady-like responses:
    + Smile and say, “Would you say that’s slightly out of line?” (He says No. “Then I would” and turn or walk away.)
    + Smile and say, “Why should I find that kind of interest in you?” and turn or walk away.
    + Smile and say, “Bring an authorization slip from your wife, and I’ll check it for spelling.”

    Guy

    • Some Other Guy

      Cocoa, I take interest in your case because I face the same situation very often w/ my female co-workers. I work in a huge office w/ tons of hot women, some of them I have to work closely with.

      RE #11. He is changing his behavior to win you over and get into your pants. Shortly after he does get into your pants, his real behavior will come out and he will go back to the way he was when he was not treating you well. That behavior is his “real” behavior. Men will do/say anything to get sex. But once you give it to us, we go back to behaving like we would normally do. That’s the red flag. I am not bashing that man’s behavior. It is how God has created us.

      I think of your situation like this: Everyone gets crushes. Attraction is not a choice. It happens all the time. I am attracted to many girls I work with. And I can tell they are attracted to me as well. It is only a problem if I try to act on that attraction. I feel the attraction but I choose to not act on it. My wife is very pretty. Guys she works with hover around her too. I am proud that other men want her. There is no problem until she gives in to temptation.

      Too many people act as if attraction to others stops when they get married. Too many people would try to deny the attraction and then give in to temptation when the feelings grow too strong to deny. It is better to recognize and understand your feelings and deal with them appropriately.

      Sir Some Other Guy,
      Extremely well done. I admire the simplicity and clarity of your writing.
      Guy

      • Cocoa

        Thank SOG,
        Re,11. Got it now. Dahhh 🙂

        See para #4 sums it all. I admit there is attraction as my sense of importance increases when he says what he says a does what….and have to say that I wait for his next move. Does that mean I have a teenage level of thinking!? Hmmmm….

        I am very honest and clear with hubby and share what i can as long as its safe. He sometimes jokes and say ‘ so, how many boyfriends do you have now!’ I say ‘ oh, I lost count’ he even told me, if he was single that he will sure hit on me. Again this adds to my sense of importance and build over my attitude of gratitude. it makes me use my mirror time as I should 😉

        The issue is within me and my guilt feeling. Have to recognize what’s going on and deal with it accordingly.

        Have some plans/strategies that will use when I get back to work.

        ‘Guys’, you are awesome and God sent in time of massive illusion and confusion. I feel better, stronger and closer to myself than before 😉

        Cheers, and may The Lord bless this blog.

        Your Highness Cocoa,
        You say you have plans/strategies that you intend to use at work. CAREFUL. Put everything through this filter: As you describe it, your husband trusts you completely. Don’t do anything that will create the least suspicion. Proceeding passively at work may be better than actively trying to fix what may not be broken.
        Guy

        • Cocoa

          I totally agree Guy. My plan is passive (am very passive by nature). I will, however, withdraw very slowly and watch actively, now that I understand the 3 possible reactions (from the other post).

          I shall retain my husband’s and my children trust as always did. Nothing whatsoever is broken, thanks to my Lord who watches and protect me from my sinful self (been praying so much lately for help)

          However, I believe as I offered nothing (not the slightest hint, but as you know men are smart and he may/would have detected my attraction, and thats about it) and always speak highly of my family and my Christian beliefs, that this may be challenging the other man more!

          Lets wait and see, shall we 😉

          Cheers

          • mYstiQue

            AMEN ===sweetie, HANG IN THERE!!!
            GOD has blessed you with this site, and with the dialogue
            People used to get dialogue all the time, when family members lived closer together

            • Cocoa

              Thanks mYstiQue,

              It’s all in my head and fighting hard, praying harder. Psalms 27 is my strength and particularly this: “I remain confident of this:
              I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”.

              I refer to your comment about adultery above and I know you were talking generally. However, while reading the word I felt a pinch in my heart 😦 I feel guilty just being a bit attracted to someone, and that I feel happy with the attention I am getting.

              Your Highness Cocoa,

              Your nature makes you that way, guilt and all. Respond to such temptations and you lose self-respect, which costs you some respect of others, which means your value in life declines among those you love and appreciate, which means your sense of self-importance declines, which means you have less to be grateful for, which means that whatever happiness you now enjoy departs you, which means that misery takes up residence in heart and mind.

              Resist such temptations and you not only avoid the preceding but you reinforce the opposite.

              Guy

              • Cocoa

                I will I will resist. What I noticed though is that more I withdraw and limit conversations the more he tries to be closer. I am considering moving from where I am at the moment.

                Your Highness Cocoa,
                That’s a sign that he gets your message but isn’t yet discouraged. Try harder. However, beware of this. He may be hard to discourage but should eventually get your message. Beware: Don’t start feeling guilty about mistreating him—you know, ‘he’s nice and doesn’t deserve all the terrible things I do to him’. Women are very susceptible of doing it and thus defeating their best interests.
                Guy

              • Cocoa

                Hello sir Guy, given that i had the will to share my agony and given that i used and practiced your valuable advice coupled with my vulnerable nature , i thought therefore i might update you on my current state.

                i worked and worked hard to resist and as you assumed, the man didn’t give up. The next step for me was to move from my comfort zone (work wise) a job that I used to do well. I prayed and cried and begged.

                i found another position in another area but in the same organisation. I was happy that the burden would be lifted. I kept quiet about my move but a colleague went and told this man. He was taken and disappointed, when I said good bye, nice meeting you (not) , he looked at me and said “i am not going anywhere and you are not going far” what?!
                Since i moved (different premises) and he’s still in contact. He sometimes comes and see me, i felt like , dear Lord where do i go, what do i do. Again as stated above, and i can’t help it, i like the attention but it’s killing me slowly.
                He is very consistent with his approach and contact, he ensures that he contact me regularly but not frequently. He asks my friends about me.

                Sir Guy, here is little Cocoa with her biiig mysery. Why he’s not letting go. I have been harsh with some of the conversations, but alas! What do i do? There is other interested men in the new area, but I’ve learnt my lesson and i am less approachable this time. No more nice Cocoa.

                Checking the date above, it’s been almost 18 months since i posted and about 2 years that I’ve known the man. Not sure if i mentioned this before; he has a partner that he never never talks about and when he does you can easily spot the bitterness.

                Sir Guy, respected readers, any word of advice and/or encouragement is greatly appreciated.

  3. Katey-Anne

    Dear Sir Guy,
    Please can you say more about masculine love starting with respect for a woman. I thought feminine love for a man started that way and would greatly value you expanding upon that point.

    With best wishes,
    Katey-Anne

    Your Highness Katey-Anne,
    I expounded on it many times. These articles are best: 1757, 1760, and the series on love that begins at 1764. They also describe how your views about feminine love are incorrect when considering how the respective natures of men and women differ.
    Guy

    • Katey-Anne

      Dear Sir Guy, Thank you for the clarification – I have read your articles and I fully agree about the need for boundaries and not to play along with the male game of being sexually available outside of marriage. I think I am mixing up the way you use respect with the way some writers make a distinction between the man as respect worthy leader and the woman as feminine, receptive follower. I like the way you use ‘respect’ for women and also realise that it is a powerful counter balance to all the pressure to be one of the boys or seductive at the expense of feminine mystery and modest. Pat Allen talks about the fact that men marry virtue rather than vaginas and I think that is what you are saying too.

      Many thanks!, Katey-Anne

      Your Highness Katey-Anne,
      You and Pat Allen are absolutely correct but not only that. Virtue is anything a man admires about a woman. That she refused most or all guys for sex tops the virtue list until he’s lived with her successfully long enough to admire her other virtues more highly than when he first got to know her. Then the importance of her sexual history can fade.
      Guy

      • Katey-Anne

        Dear Sir Guy,
        Thank you for this response! As ever I find your comments very helpful indeed.
        Katey-Anne

  4. Brown_eyes

    Mr. Guy!! I haven’t commented in a while, I’ve been reading many of your articles, trying to really get them. I’m having an awful time getting over a gentleman I dated. He treated me like a princess, but he’s in the marine and had to leave for three months. He told me he had to go and was sad to leave me, but didn’t ask me to wait for him, not even my information to contact me later. I am exchange student in France and by the time he comes back I’ll be back in my country. I fantasize about him going to look for me in my home country once he can, telling me he can’t live without me! Pretty silly huh? I want to send him a postcard sometimes, but wonder if it looks desperate and will push him away further. I am trying to put this situation in God’s hands, but I’m having such a hard time letting go, I’m so distraught, confused. I miss him and, I must admit, the future I imagined we would share as well.

    Thank you so much for everything!

    Your Highness BrownEyes,

    Respond like a princess. Show a lot of class. Guys marry women that are distinctly different and show promise for brightening his life.

    Do you know how to get a snail-mail, paper letter to him? No tweets or emails. Know his Marine or home address? If so, may I suggest sending a short, perhaps two paragraph, hand-written letter to him. In the first, tell him how proud you are that he serves his country and other admirable words that have nothing to do with you. You’re just being friendly and proud.

    In the second, describe your present situation and when and where you will be when you return home. Make it sound as incidental as possible. Just send info and don’t describe your feelings. No “I miss you” or “hope to see you.” Leave all that as a mystery that reflects an innocence that men see as challenge.

    If he has more than sexual interest in you, he will respond now or when he returns home.

    Incidentally, don’t read too much into his not asking you to wait for him. I don’t think it’s as popular as it once was. The pop culture has convinced most people that no one can wait all alone and without mixing life up with someone else.

    Guy

  5. Brown_eyes

    Mr. Guy!
    Would you believe me if I told you I felt a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when you answered to me? I feel so much lighter, happier, even! Thank you for everything you do, not just for me, but for everyone, you are an amazing man. I just bought two copies of your book, and I can’t wait to get them!

  6. MLaRowe

    Just wanted to say that I’m so glad I found this posting. Cocoa was so gracious to be honest and vulnerable about her feelings. I have benefitted tremendously from being able to read this because I have recently felt these same challenges in my own life and plan on doing the suggested journal and gratefulness exercises. Never have I been so attracted to someone as in this case but I (like Cocoa) have never once stepped out of line despite a clear invitation (for sex only I’m sure). I’ve been lucky that people older and wiser than I am have been advising me. Praying a lot has helped too but this post makes me feel much better also.

    • cocoa

      Dear MLaRowe, I am glad you found hope in this post. I asked as I was vulnerable, still am. It’s so easy to compare and feel victimised. In my case it was easier as my marriage was an arranged marriage. Adding to all the above advice, I always keep the Cross in my mind always contemplate how much I am worth and that I can’t afford slipping.

      Hang in there and look at it in a positive way as advised. I am grateful and faithful. Sometimes all what guys want is to pass time and feel significant using an attractive, confident and unshakable woman. We will never know their intentions.
      Be strong. Be happy.

      P.S. what do you mean by ‘clear invitation’?

      • MLaRowe

        It began with a most unexpected scorching look by him to me more than a year ago when I found myself alone for a moment in a hallway with him. He then left and I expect he thought I would follow him. I did not. But I was stunned.
        A few years ago (when I was still single) I knew a man who was charismatic, handsome, married, and a player (a sex addict perhaps). I made him get to know me as a person before I ever had an affair with him (which yes, I did regret and paid a high price for later but that is another story). His lament was that he had to “silver tongue” women to death to have an affair with them. He was not so attractive as to merely be able to look at a woman (like the man now).
        Still, this unexpected look, and many other subtle actions of his which have followed set off a chain of events in my life. As I said I have never been so taken with a man as with this one, soon afterward he gave another sign and I pushed him away verbally but my mind was troubled and it has been very difficult to resist. I have never cheated on my husband of more than 10 years and do not wish to start.

        Thank goodness for older and wiser ones I was able to share this with who have told me to steer clear, to run the other direction and quickly. There was a point earlier on where I could neither eat nor sleep for 3 days because of this.
        I have never once said or done anything inappropriate but I know he can tell I think he is handsome. I try not to see him often but there are times our paths must cross.
        I’m fairly certain that he has done this to many women, had plenty of affairs and broken many hearts. I’m fairly sure he is a sex addict along the same lines as the famous men who make the news every so often as having many lovers/mistresses (as well as a lovely wife).

        As a result of all of this I have lost weight (I was a 16 now a 12 is loose on me). I put my husband and myself in couples therapy (I generally believe in that but in this case it didn’t help, it made things worst so we stopped, my husband was so angry that I would admit to having “considered” an affair. I had to backtrack those words).

        My husband got me pregnant again which was not a bad thing, I always wanted a third child and we had a beautiful baby boy who is as easy and sweet as they come. Recently my husband started treating me a lot better, quit smoking and is working on losing weight. The other day he apologized for his past social schedule which included going out drinking with his friends sometimes 3 times a week. That felt good to hear but I do worry that all of these improvements are only temporary.

        Some have been suspicious that I have a lover (probably because of my weight loss and taking better care of my appearance and clothing). In a sense it’s true. I have a lover in my mind, it’s just that he is imaginary because I know that this real life man doesn’t love me, he is just in pursuit of a challenge that he perhaps once thought would be easy (hit on the fat girl perhaps).

        I pray for all of us often, his wife and children, his lovers, the women he has hurt and my own family. A long time ago I saw real results when praying for my enemies so I believe Jesus was right, it does work.
        I have perhaps said too much, I hope not. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Ever.

        • MLaRowe

          I feel I should clarify, the affair with the silver tongued one was in ’98. I married in 2003. The years run together in my mind. Please try not to judge me for it, it was a ghastly mistake and believe me when I say that later, much later, karmic justice was served. I was given a swift kick at my absolute lowest point. It was a lesson I never want to repeat.

        • Catherine

          Ladies, you are blessed to have generated such interest, even though it looks like it’s difficult for you to bear at times. Your stories highlight another facet of what it means to be a rare woman who understands male and female natures as Sir Guy writes about and acts accordingly. Some men might not even notice you (no hope for any females in general), some men might treat you respectfully (hope for females in general), and some men might come after you (eek!). 🙂 Hunters (men) are smart. They are crafty, and they can be patient. Very, very patient. Especially when hunting a rare “prize” like you. 🙂 It sounds like both of you know these other men are roads to destruction and sadness, but we women aren’t hunters. We don’t know all the ways they’ve studied and watched what’s going on to determine how to behave and what to say at exactly the right time to make you think, “well…” Eek.

          You are special gifts. 🙂 Hunters deserve respect, maybe similar to how one would avoid driving over a mountain pass during a blizzard. Sometimes, the mountain pass roads close offensively rather than defensively and lets the storm pass through. 🙂

          MLaRowe, are you around this other guy at church? Work?

          • cocoa

            Catherine, thanks. So you reckon we are blessed?! I sometimes feel cursed. I don’t know where to go. What to do, how to react. The closer and more devoted you are to your beliefs the harsher the battle . It’s really hard when you are stuck in an office 5 days a week with something that, on one hand you enjoy (my heart and my sense of importance) and otoh you are worried and on your tippy toes (my mind and my sense of responsibility). What a conflict.

            Nothing been said. No wrong doing whatsoever. I sometimes even think oh cocoa it’s all in your head. The other man is very very careful not to offend me. He tries to let my guard downm he ev used to calk me scary, harsh and a snob. But I learnt from sir Guy that guys do this so you show the reverse. Smart and hunters alright!

            I have tought myself and practiced not to open my mouth. To see him passing and he is looking towards me for greeting and I just look the other side. I have practiced to say ‘why do you ask ‘ or turn the question around – he asks a lot. The thing is that the guy is not giving up. Could it be that he jyst want to be a friend? Nah, wishful thinking. Sir Guy said doesn’t work like this for men

            I am haning in there. I am getting stronger. And if there is any blessing it is this blog. Sir Guy is and was very patient with me.

            Sir Guy, I am doing well. I read this post 1868 once a month as it helps me get back on track. Keep on educating us 🙂

            • MLaRowe

              Thank you for your kind words Catherine. I don’t work but this would be the equivalent. Please let me leave it at that- just in case.

              Cocoa you sound like you are doing the right things. Here is what I’m doing: In my past I got rather good at recovery after being dumped (ladies should listen to Guy to not repeat the many mistakes I made).

              Now the things I am doing remind me of how I would throw myself into self improvement mode after a breakup. It was how I coped.
              These days I do the same coping only I’m skipping over the part where I fall for someone awful and then have to experience so much pain. This is painful all right but without the disrespect/humiliation part that I’m sure would happen if I let him conquer me.
              When I spend my time these days I do it this way. Taking care of the sweetest possible baby. Driving kids to school and trying to be a good mother and loving wife as I’m able to.
              Throwing myself into volunteer work on my favorite subject which includes helping children with learning differences and education. I’ve been hard at work on this and right now it is so gratifying.
              I am also currently training to run in my first 5K. It’s been on my bucket list to run a 5k (no walking allowed) and it will benefit my favorite charity. I’m not really a runner so, as you can imagine, this is a lot of work.

              I’m spending lots of time on fashion (which I adore) with a secret desire to be one of the most interesting (and hopefully best) dressed women in our social circle. Yes, it sounds shallow but it gives me pleasure.

              I pray a lot and cry privately. I now harbor a secret hope that maybe one day our children marry. It seems like the only way where no one gets hurt.

              And I try to have the faith the size of a mustard seed that God will handle this. Somehow, in His way, not mine.

            • Catherine

              Cocoa, yes, I reckon you and MLaRowe are both blessed. 🙂 I understand about how you feel cursed, though. The struggles might create a sense of isolation because many women you might seek help from might want men to desire them like that, which might make them jealous and further compound your struggles. And, of course, hunters know this. 🙂 Also, Hubby might not help if he senses your struggle; his pain might prevent it. So, the struggle is lonely. 😦 If your hunter gets aggressive, mean, or scary in his pursuit, it might get more difficult to feel blessed. 😦 I agree, 5 days a week in an office with something like that would be a very difficult thing to endure.

              MLaRowe, I should have phrased my question differently to allow for more of your privacy. I was wondering if you are around your hunter in a situation you can break away from, like changing your church or your job. Or, if it was something really easy to break away from, like he works at your local grocery store. Changing grocery stores would be a super easy fix. 🙂 It becomes much more complicated to make a change if you’re around him at church, work, or if he’s a neighbor. 😦 One thing that might help is having other women around at all times when he’s around. Any women work well, but in this case especially, a self-focused, less mature, but friendly woman can be very helpful. She’ll sense his interest in you quite regularly even before you do, and will try to get that interest for herself by distracting him away from you. It’s a way to raise the cost of associating with you. 🙂 Simplicity Evermore referred to this type of scenario as The Human Shield in another WWNH post.

              • MLaRowe

                Catherine thank you for reading this, it’s therapeutic to write it out.

                The other day the priest gave a homily (that’s a sermon for all you Protestants, like myself) and in it he said, “You should welcome temptation because when you resist it you will become stronger.” Well you know what, I disagree. Temptation like this breaks me down, wastes my energy and makes me feel sad and scared. Will I succumb to it? I think not at this point, earlier on, when it first began, there was more danger of that. Hopefully as time passes it will get easier.

                It is not a blessing though to be sought after by someone like this. You were right to compare it to a blizzard or narrow cliff road. Hazardous.

                Sometimes I want to just say to him, “Leave me alone, move on to the next victim, I won’t play your game so don’t include me.”

                I cant change the situation at this point. I can try to find a human shield though. We are still newish and I don’t have any women friends I can trust there yet but maybe at some point there will be.

                I have told my husband about this to a small degree (I’m a horrible liar and not good at hiding things so he knew something was wrong). He just said all men think this way, just like what Guy is always telling us. My husband is an honorable man. He has a job where people are always trying to bribe him but he never takes it. Still, it is lonely to feel this way so I appreciate your mentioning that aspect.

                Your Highness MLaRowe,

                Now, missy, see how dedicated you can become to this list of things that this man admires in women:

                1. You are attractive to men.

                2. You have an honorable husband.

                3. You lie well enough to keep your marriage comfortable. (Don’t’ take that as excusing lying but as, it’s done, and recovery is everything. Swear off, huh?)

                4. Your conscience is relieved because your husband empathizes.

                5. You generate your own therapy writing the comment above.

                6. You have friendly and encouraging eyes on this blog.

                7. As the priest predicted, you are now stronger. You continue to resist and are better prepared for the next time.

                8. Wasted energy slows you such that you’re more unlikely to succumb.

                9. Not a blessing to be sought? Your life isn’t over yet. You may need such a blessing sometime ahead. The future is a wife’s primary focus, not the present.

                10. You’re encouraged to find new trustworthy friends. Your experience will help measure their trustworthiness and ability to not gossip.

                There are 10 blessings. Perhaps you can find a few more that, I guarantee, will weaken if not lift your misery.

                Guy

  7. My Husband's Wife

    Dear Sir Guy,
    About this quote, “You face the perennial battle between heart and mind. Men handle it fairly easy compared to women,” How do men handle attraction while married easier than women? Do women engage in more mind fantasy than men with an attraction?

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
    Men naturally follow their mind before their heart. The internal pressure of curiosity and imagination outweigh the pressure of wordy commitment and vows when they consider an attractive but unconquered woman. Men stew less, worry less, sense less guilt, and react more responsively to thoughts than feelings. They dream and pursue conquest which has an end. The prospect of what follows conquest means less than it means to wives who are attracted to other men. And so men handle the conflicts more easily than women.
    Guy

  8. Cocoa

    I noticed there is no “Reply” option where i posted earlier. So, i copied it here again….

    Hello sir Guy, given that i had the will to share my agony and given that i used and practiced your valuable advice coupled with my vulnerable nature , i thought therefore i might update you on my current state.

    i worked and worked hard to resist and as you assumed, the man didn’t give up. The next step for me was to move from my comfort zone (work wise) a job that I used to do well. I prayed and cried and begged.

    i found another position in another area but in the same organisation. I was happy that the burden would be lifted. I kept quiet about my move but a colleague went and told this man. He was taken and disappointed, when I said good bye, nice meeting you (not) , he looked at me and said “i am not going anywhere and you are not going far” what?!
    Since i moved (different premises) and he’s still in contact. He sometimes comes and see me, i felt like , dear Lord where do i go, what do i do. Again as stated above, and i can’t help it, i like the attention but it’s killing me slowly.
    He is very consistent with his approach and contact, he ensures that he contact me regularly but not frequently. He asks my friends about me.

    Sir Guy, here is little Cocoa with her biiig mysery. Why he’s not letting go. I have been harsh with some of the conversations, but alas! What do i do? There is other interested men in the new area, but I’ve learnt my lesson and i am less approachable this time. No more nice Cocoa.

    Checking the date above, it’s been almost 18 months since i posted and about 2 years that I’ve known the man. Not sure if i mentioned this before; he has a partner that he never never talks about and when he does you can easily spot the bitterness.

    Sir Guy, respected readers, any word of advice and/or encouragement is greatly appreciated.

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    After 17 months and over 200 comments wrestling with issues with the same guy, I’m out of ideas. Softball and indirect approaches and your endless worry haven’t worked.

    In military parlance, you’re the on-scene commander, which means only you have all the information about everything and everybody. It appears to be decision time, which means it’s all up to you. You know more than enough about both him and yourself, so decide and act.

    Take some action, drastic or otherwise, to straighten him out or turn the guy away. Cuss him out to his face, tell the boss, call the police, sic your husband on him. Only you know what’s the best thing to do amidst your ability to live with it. It’s time to fight harder than he can.

    Guy

    • MLaRowe

      Dear Cocoa,

      How much do you know about this man? Could he be stalking you? Is his character in all other ways admirable?

    • Eric

      Cocoa:
      I’m sure Sir Guy can give better advice than I can; but there are a couple of things to consider:

      1. This guy knows you’re married and is not overly concerned with the consequences to your husband and children should you separate. What do you the odds are that he’s going to care about the consequences for you afterwards?

      2. An ugly secret most women don’t know: there are sick men out there who make a SPORT out of breaking up families, and devoted wives who ‘are passive by nature’ are their especial targets. Just go on a search engine and look up the terms “Alpha Widow” “Dread Game” “Dark Triad PUA” and you’ll see that these perverts actually TRAIN one another on how to exploit female weaknesses for these kinds of purposes.

      IOW, knowing their motives and methods can go along way to killing an attraction that may be being cultivated intentionally for a bad purpose.

      • Cocoa

        Dear MLaRowe, was glad to see your screen name again 😊
        Here i what i know and noticed while working close to that person: he has a partner (not married) for the past 2 decades. He has a child in elementary school. He is NEVER seen with his partner even though they work near by. We knew by accident that she’s around. His work is his life and he has good work ethics and good relationship with asociates. He’s mid age.

        Dear sir Eric, i am grateful for your response and i do follow your comments and you are a man with a good heart and one day miss right will be right there for you. Now, is what you are saying for real?! Why?! What do they gain from that. well i guess as you say they are sick. I am not sure if he’s one of those. But he used to ask a lot about my husband, he tired to demean him but he was figuratively slapped. He does not stalk me, if i understand stalking right, For me, it felt good in the start as i shared above and as a wise man said, we cannot really control our feelings but we can control what we do and say. Been a good girl in this arena. He never said anything to me openly. He is very careful with what he says lately. I will search and research what you suggested.

        The only place that l learn from about men a women is here, i trust the theme and is very close to my background and culture. I trust sir Guy too, otherwise would never post a word here. I am too scared to open or read other material. I don’t have much life experince and don’t need it as i have the Lord. I have been tested and tried by what i am going through. But i see and feel that healing is coming my way. I am overwhelmed and not sure what to do in the meanwhile. My heart and my mind is not liking each other.

      • Cocoa

        Dear Eric, i have tried to read a bit but miserably failed to understand what’s going on, i think the language used on the 3 sites i tried assume pre knowledge of other matters. I have no clue, i grew up in very strict family that we were not exposed to anything other than studing and house chores. I don’t, won’t and can’t discuss these matters with hubby, i am not interested… That’s why this blog works for me and is God sent, it suits my modesty, the language is plain and easy to understand.

        Sir Guy is so patient with me. There are things i learnt when i was young we ard taught not to talk about ourselves, not to talk when men are around. Not to expose or disclose our feelings, never. However, there are things about the nature of men that i had no clue. Learning it helped me with my husband and with dealing with men around me.

        What on earth is red pill? Anyway, i did get though that there are some psychopaths that are interested in enslaving others. Not sure if that applies to my case. The man didn’t say anything direct maybe cos i am married, not sure.

        Deeply I believe the issue is me and not him!

        • Eric

          Hi Cocoa:
          “I did get though that there are some psychopaths that are interested in enslaving others.”

          Exactly—that’s the important point. Which leads to the next:

          “Deeply I believe the issue is me and not him.”

          It can’t be. He’s the one initiating everything. I’ll have to defer some more to Sir Guy because I’m new here and still learning a lot myself; so I don’t know your family situation very well. My off-the-cuff advice would be that this man senses that you’re feeling some dissatisfaction or unhappiness in your marriage and is trying to exploit that. He’s trying to distract you from focusing on solving whatever those problems are and gain a conquest that way. The solution to that would be to reverse the polarity on him; focus instead on how to recover and rebuild your current relationship, and the more you do so, the more this other man’s influences will start to diminish.

    • Cocoa

      On-scene commander?! Maybe on-scene coward, escapist. Appreciate your advice sir Guy, thanks.

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      Cowards and escapists do act. First, they remain in charge by admitting defeat to themselves. Second, cowards act by not acting and escapists by running away. Neither seems to fit. You remain in charge of your life, which translates to on-scene commander. You just have to stir others to act in ways that you expect. So don’t give up, take some action even if it doesn’t work perfectly.
      Guy

    • Eric

      Sir Guy:
      I wrote a reply to Cocoa before I read yours; as addendum to what I wrote, ‘sic your husband on him’ sounds like a good plan. In the context of what I said about rebuilding her relationship, unleashing her husband on this guy and giving him the status of ‘protector’ may really help Cocoa a lot.

      Sir Eric,
      Recalling from many months ago, I think Cocoa said the culture in which she lives prohibits her from telling husband or him from acting. Not sure and memory may be faulty too. We’ll just wait to see if she responds to that tactic.
      Guy

      • Cocoa

        Hello sir Eric and sir Guy, you do have good memory don’t you. It’s not really the culture but more how i know my husband will react. It will be a disaster and he might act irrationally. But if i was to tell him, what do i say, “There is a man a work (he met him before) that i believe he likes me or attracted to me”. What is that going to achieve even if he would act appropriately? He will ask straight away and how about you do you like him too?
        As sir Guy said above some actions are needed and i started and did move from where i was (i guess i am not that coward really), i moved thinking, ok let me put this behind me and grow up (i did enjoy the attention). But i am not left alone to recover and move on…
        I am not giving up, I AM in charge of my life and my feelings. And feelings follow actions, right? I will train myself . Can’t stop people liking me but can stop myself being dragged. But yeah telling husband won’t achieve much…

        Your Highness Cocoa,
        You figured out what to do are doing it. That’s what life is all about. You can only change yourself.
        Guy

        • MLaRowe

          Dear Cocoa,

          Thank you for your kind words. I am always interested in hearing about what is going on with you because it mirrored my own situation-a little bit at least.

          It does sounds like this fellow is a decent character in all other ways and really can any of us help who we are attracted to? I don’t think so, I think we can only control how we act about those feelings.

          You have made the right move in putting some distance between the two of you. For your own sake (let’s not worry about him).

          Eric, Thank you, although I’m horribly disgusted and couldn’t read (didn’t want to read) very much about that right this moment.

          • Eric

            Miss MLaRowe:
            It’s probably better to draw a veil over some of what’s written in the Manosphere on these topics, but it doesn’t hurt women to know that there are these types out there.

            • MLaRowe

              Eric,

              I am forever in your debt. I had been searching for what has been going on but after reading a small portion about that yesterday, now I know. I am scared to write any more than this.

              Many many thanks and may I say to you that I do believe that if you have the desire in your heart to one day meet someone worthy of your time, attention and love I believe that God is preparing that person for you.

              So by all means give up on dating and wasting time with women who are silly and selfish but do not give up on the sincere desire in your heart. God is listening and you are clearly a good man.

              • Eric

                Miss MLaRowe:
                Thank you for the kind words…I hope that you’re right about the second paragraph.LOL

                Fortunately, here I’m learning more about the female nature so maybe success is on the horizon. Sir Guy’s advice is certainly better than ones like the men referenced above who recommend to men things like:

                “Managing your relationship in such a way that she is left with a constant, gnawing feeling of impending doom will do more for your cause than all the Valentines Day cards in the world…her love for you will blossom under these conditions. Result: she works harder to please you. The key for the man is to adopt a posture of blasé emotional distance alternating with loving tenderness. Too much of either and she’ll run off.”

                Like I said, these guys are sick.

  9. Krysie869

    As to numbers 11 and 12 on this article, I have had men who would show disrespect to me and still continue to chase me after I continue to ignore them. This happens to me all the time. I would often hear these same men asking others why I act that way, give me a surprised expression as I pass by them, or give me a “dirty” look. Some of these men I find out are attached or maybe even married to another!

    I’m glad you highlighted this point. I was always baffled by such men’s behavior although I kind of suspected they weren’t really into me.

    • Eric

      Miss Krysie:
      From the description you gave of these males, it sounds like they don’t respect women very much. And if they’re already attached, that’s a definite sign they don’t. Because they don’t respect or value women, they’re surprised when a woman doesn’t live down to their low standards.

      Sir Eric,
      Thanks. I like the last sentence.
      Guy

      • krysie869

        Hi Eric,

        Thanks for replying. I agree that these man lack unconditional respect for women. Honestly, if a man acts disrespectful towards me or others, I would automatically disqualify him as a potential love interest. I do notice however, that there are women out there that don’t behave like me in this regard. I am guessing this has to do with naivety or ignorance. But I notice these same men act “nicer” to other women than others. In other words, they respect them more. I read somewhere that men treat women differently based on the energy they put out. Is that true? My dream man has a quiet confidence, in other words has much higher self-respect than the norm; And I admit, this is a major part of my picky-ness with men.

        • Eric

          Miss Krysie:
          I would suspect they’re acting nicer towards these women because they presume that they’re ‘easier’. It’s more like flattery than genuine respect.

          I’m not sure what you mean by ‘the energy they put out.’ How men treat women really depends on how much they value them.

        • Cocoa

          Dear Krysie try these posts:
          1418-respect-begins-at-home. 678 + following 2 posts.

          I also learnt from this post that if a man changes then it could be a red flag. However, elsewhere I’ve read that he may change ever slowly from disrespect to respect to raise to her expectations. So measure both sides.

          I believe that again girls and women are responsible. What i see around me is disappointing as in women going a long to get a long so men learn that all is good and all ok, till the time comes and ladies like krysie (and maybe Cocoa) teach them nicely and patiently how to respect. It took a while with my husband as mom didn’t bother. And also with asociates as the example above. No word is needed, if you sense disrespect, again YOU SENSE it, just withdraw gracefully with your head high, and don’t mention it the next time unless you master indirectnes .

          Hubby’s sharp tongue is still there. The other day called me blind 😯. Said nothing after a weeks or two he said oh where this or that then i smiled and said sorry i missed it. You know ssometimes cocoa is blind! And had this smile while walking away. Looked behind me and he’s shaking his head laughing his out. I think, i think he got it 😊

          anyway, respect respect respect that’s all what i am after and have. But i am not into lovey dovey words anyway…

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