1873. Sex Difference Redux—Part 108: Men in Bed III


Part II at #1872 described how women are far more capable than men to ease the discouraging thoughts that arise between a husband’s desire for sex and wife feeling victimized. Other causes produce similar results.

Let’s look back in time. Let’s imagine a typical couple that ultimately marries. Originally, two conquerors face off. He seeks sex without obligation. She seeks marital commitment and both have big lures to make their case. She has first time sex and the presumption that he’s capable of fulfilling her hopes and dreams. He’s motivated to do what he does best, providing and protecting, in return for frequent and convenient sex. Because her best negotiable is one-time only, she has first dibs. She has two options, yield sex before or after the altar.

1) She yields before marriage and the marital dynamic changes to favor his dominance. She yields to his pressure before she gets what she wants most. He learns how to get his way.

Their first sex together bonds her and toughens her intention to marry, but conquest changes him. It frees his hardhearted nature for other pursuits. Conquest also lessens the importance of her major lure, weakens her influence, and undermines his need to remain committed to her.

To lead him to the altar, she has to rely on adulation and fawning to finish the capture. His primary goal is achieved. He now has little or no reason to search for ways to overcome her resistance to yielding, so he learns little more about what and who she really is. He doesn’t need to know more because he got the most important thing. He learns little of her other qualities simply because he quits looking; his interests wander away from her. His mind diverts because his instinct to conquer has quieted. He sees less reason to marry and damage inflicts his sense of commitment. Most important of all, his devotion to her doesn’t escalate beyond that attained before conquest.

Her major lure is gone; the intensity of his interest declines. Detecting it, she tries harder to keep from losing him. Recognizing her weakened status, she depends on sexual attractions and accommodation; she doesn’t challenge unacceptable behaviors figuring she can correct him after marriage.

After marriage sex is old hat and less interesting to her as tool of getting what she wants. His expecting sex too easily becomes an interruption to her other plans for them. She changes from who she was during courtship days, and he comes to resent it. Her changes move her away from pleasing him; denying or resenting sex seems to have the best effect for making her feel better.

He expects frequent and convenient access to sex. She isn’t as up to it as he expects; their premarital sex makes it less important for her to continue as reliably after marriage. He was captured at the altar and she is now freer to focus and get her way on other matters. Her commitment to sex wanes; she makes him pay a price for his having won the battle of the conquerors, that is, for her having yielded first. (It reminds of Some Other Guy’s comment at #1871, “My divorced men friends joke about how marriage destroyed the good sex that they enjoyed as a non-married couple.”)

2) If conquest comes on the wedding night, then husband sacrificed. He backed off the pressure for sex to please her. He learns in the slowed-down process just what and who she is and the promise she holds for him, which bonds him more closely. Winning her becomes more important than conquest, which converts in marriage to a more accommodating and negotiable sense of male dominance.

Having held him off for so long, her heart retains the importance of sex to him. Every delay in his conquest emphasizes her importance to him, which translates into the best inducement for marriage. She conquers him, shifts from competing to cooperating, and provides sex because he earns and deserves it with all his might; he joined her at the altar with the promise she envisions of brightening her future and fulfilling her hopes and dreams.

Those aren’t the only outcomes. I use them only to describe how their natures interact before learned values, beliefs, and expectations override natural actions and reactions.

Sexual harmony is all about likeable, pleasurable, and compatible attitudes, and two attitudes reflect two hearts. What he earns, he appreciates and earns it by going to the altar. What she obligates herself to do, she expects to deliver with eagerness if not pleasure, and her obligations increase as she parades him from courtship to altar.

A man marries for a woman’s virtue (what men admire) and the promise he sees and anticipates for his bride to brighten his life in parallel with his work and other endeavors. Marriage isn’t part of his nature and vowing commitment for life is a gigantic dedication, an achievement of great significance, a commitment born of prideful and steadfast masculine character—provided she’s truly worth it in his heart of hearts.

From so much effort and commitment, great things are due to him. Bride becomes his, he earns her. Consequently, he owns what she possesses which translates to frequent and convenient access to sex. Given all that he expects in quantity, he’s willing to negotiate on other matters. (If not, he dislikes himself, he’s not Mr. Good Enough, and she should have discovered it during courtship extended for the purpose of uncovering lack of fitness for her.)

One last thought that leads to a wife’s disenchantment in the bedroom. Some women misrepresent themselves to themselves. They sell themselves short by calling Mr. Good Enough their Mr. Right. They start out by expecting their man to be perfect, which automatically dumps them into the role of finding and correcting husband’s faults. They seek to fix him before they learn to tame and domesticate him. It’s the female ego at work.

Men seek frequent and convenient access to sex. If earned at high cost, they marry for the guarantee of it. If given to them at low cost, women don’t receive a decent return on their investment.

Unachieved before marriage, the suspended lure of their first sex together provides time, incentive, and opportunity for men to bond and devote themselves better than any other way—and women are in charge.

17 Comments

Filed under sex differences

17 responses to “1873. Sex Difference Redux—Part 108: Men in Bed III

  1. Some Other Guy

    Saving sex for marriage may be a good goal but there are some problems with it:
    #1. It is difficult for a single woman to pull this off, since she must compete with other women who offer easy sex w/out commitment
    #2. Sometimes the strongest advocates of no premarital sex are not doing this for the reasons you post above. Some of them are hiding a sexual dysfunction, that is lying there like a booby trap to be sprung on the newlyweds first night together. My divorced co-worker thinks her ex is likely gay. He could not bring himself to have sex on the wedding night. THey did have a kid together, but they only had sex 10 or so times in a 5 year marriage. She believes that her ex wanted a child and married her for that. But that he is really a gay man. She divorced him since she didn’t want to be just roommates.

    I don’t have any hard statistics to back this up. But it feels like marriage is in trouble. In my social circle, the men are convinced that the bad outweighs the good. Especially damaging is the male perception that if you marry you lose all power. A married woman can have an affair, get pregnant, and the married man will be required by law to support the bastard. The wife will get to keep the house. She will move her boyfriend into the house. And the man will be paying for the house and the kid.

    IDK if this is even possible. But many of the men don’t want to find out the hard way.

    • Anne

      Let me start by stating that I did once date a man who I believe had a sexual dysfunction of some sort, in that he was VERY okay with having “high moral standards”… and later I found out he did not even *want* to kiss me. That made me very wary of men who were “too good to be true.”

      But the man I eventually married respected MY boundaries and we did not have sex before marriage. I could tell it was not easy for him, like it was for the other guy I’d dated before. I was happy to see my now-husband found it hard to wait. As a result he wanted to get married right away! I made him wait almost two years. He did it.

      Men like this exist. I agree that women need to be vigilant because there are problems with men who won’t wait and there may be problems with men who find it waaaaaay too easy to wait. But the world still has men in it who are willing to bite the bullet and wait for marriage. I wonder if its because they value their religious belifs and they want a woman who does too. Many traditionally-minded Christian women are bringing back the high standards. In my husband’s circle of friends (when he was single) this was common knowledge.

      Anyways, my point is, religious-minded women — and the men who want to snag one for his wife — can swing this delicate proposition. I have several friends who have made their husbands wait till after the wedding. Don’t loose hope!

    • Anne

      Some other Guy: one other thing: I think the friends you sited really need to find friends who have good, healthy, and happy marriages. We all need to actively immerse ourselves in situations with the people we want to *become*.

  2. Katey-Anne

    Sir Guy,
    I completely agree with this acutely observed article.

    In fact, whenever a woman over gives … out gives the man and paces the relationship wrongly…she loses leverage and certainly knows this instinctively. The only way is to create some distance.

    Yes to what you say about sex before marriage.

    Katey-Anne

  3. Katey-Anne

    Some Other Guy,

    I think many women will relate to the sense that if they are not providing sex other women will. It is a valid point. It is as if women pay for the situation in society as a whole. That said, my hope is that if a guy is truly smitten with you, he will understand your requirements for sex. Indeed being prepared to wait for sex serves to demonstrated his devotion in the long and short term because it is sacrificial.

    But I do have conversations with many women who say exactly what you have said in your response. They would not, therefore, dream of making a man wait until marriage.

    Katey-Anne

  4. boomer babe

    Some other guy: I think its possible for a man not to
    have sex, because of a porn addiction.Probably he didn’t
    straighten out beforehand and wasn’t truthful
    he didn’t have to be homosexual. I’ve heard of this

    BTW this is the ‘average man’ who doesn’t want marriage
    Men who come from ‘two parent homes’ (no divorce) tend to want marriage
    and marry for religious reasons

    • boomer babe

      even on their WEDDING NIGHT, couples have a hard time in this Porn addiction. The only way he could be homosexual, is if he had a boyfriend on the side or something

      • Some Other Guy

        LOL. A porn addiction is understandable given the long engagement period. But in my co-worker’s case, a porn addiction is a real possibility. But there were other subtle things that to her just didn’t seem like things that the typical man would do. In any event, it was just an illustration that waiting until the wedding can also have unintended consequences. Anne’s case above is the happy path that we would like to see.

  5. Maria

    My only contradicting thought to anything you had to say in this article is the one already sighted by other commenters. EVERY single word you wrote, Sir Guy, hits the nail on the head. You described my unfortunate experience so perfectly that it was embarrassing to read, and yet you’re so gentle about it that it still made me laugh at myself. I feel more prepared than ever to teach my daughter how to do what I failed to do, because it was hard to find the words to understand why, since I was not wise enough to make my husband wait.
    It does seem that the girls who would like to wait to have sex before marriage feel that there is absolutely no way to compete in a world where so many other girls will. And very few have the confidence to believe that what they have to offer is better than what those other girls have, even though it is so true that they do! For SO many reasons, a chaste, mysterious, lady-like woman can get her ideal man, if she has that “hardheadedness” you mentioned and refuses to let doubt enter her heart. One concrete example is that she has pheromones because she’s probably not taking contraceptives! All those girls on the pill are not producing these, and men are HIGHLY attracted to a woman’s pheromones.
    When a good young women find the guy she wants, she needs to have determination and confidence, and she can get him. It almost seems like she has to aggressively pursue him, but it’s not exactly aggression, which confuses these young women trying so hard to act feminine. It’s just that determination to succeed that a woman can find when she knows that what she is doing is RIGHT. She deserves that man more than any of the loose girls around her do.
    I have to add that, for me, and huge source of encouragement and empowerment come from the example set by Our Lady. Her mysteriousness, her virtue, her supreme beauty that dominates so much of the most incredible art throughout history and imagination, is undeniable. She fascinates the whole of humanity. Knowing that God chose her to be the spouse of the Holy Spirit, the Mother of the Christ, and the very Queen of Heaven gives me firm reason to believe that being GOOD trumps every other card. And we all want to be our husband’s queen, isn’t that so? I figure it’s the reason you refer to each of us as “Her Highness.” 🙂

    • Anne

      I think properly-understood respect for the Mother of God supports everything Sir Guy writes about. I do think it can be overstated in some circles and understated in others. But given due respect, I think it promotes femininity and godliness among women and respectfulness for women-in-general among men.

      • Butter

        Sir Guy, I have a question.. Some virgin girls say its ok to let their men touch them ‘here and there’, so long as it’s not the ‘actual act’ tht should wait for marraige. I’m wondering if men would see it, as the same as conquest of the girl.. not to mention consequences… Thank you!

        Your Highness Butter,

        Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

        Of course it’s the same as conquest only on a minor scale that invites him back to conquer her or perhaps his own virginity. After the real thing, he’s free to find another girl.

        It’s okay but sex will inevitably follow if not then, later. When she permits it, the guy loses whatever respect he previously had for her. She’s neither proud nor self-respectful because she doesn’t stick up for feminine beliefs that men respect, she doesn’t protect her most appealing assets to her own advantage, and she opens the door to always let him have his way. It all translates to inability to love her as much as she desires and fuels his male dominance to more easily dominate her in all matters. Follow-on results of her poor judgment will haunt her without her being aware of the reasons. She won’t understand later things about the guy’s behavior—such as telling his buddies, ignoring her when others are around, and trying to trick her or push harder and harder on her to yield.

        Such touching lights the fuse that boys quickly determine to keep lit until they get what they want. Moreover, teen girls are not experienced enough to squelch the emotions that arise out of such touching. Their popularity soars with other boys when they let one do what boys want to do. But her self-respect really sinks and dies when she’s later ignored after yielding to others. And, there’s no such thing in teen sex as yielding only to one.

        I suggest you find time to study the series “Boot Camp for Girls” in the CONTENTS page.

        Guy

      • Maria

        Anne, my response to this is below. I didn’t hit the right “reply”.

      • Maria

        Wow, did it again! Didn’t hit the right “reply”, Anne! My response is in a new comment below! Sorry, my two year old is trying to help me. 🙂 Such a little man already. I have to be very careful not to disrespect him when he’s being “helpful”! PATIENCE. Urgh! lol

  6. Maria

    I have to respectfully disagree that anyone can overstate anything good they have to say about Our Lady. Here is a quote; “Never be afraid of loving the Blessed Virgin too much. You can never love her more than Jesus did.”
    –Saint Maximilian Kolbe.
    Understated? Absolutely. In fact, it seems to me that because women view one another as “threats” and usually don’t truth each other as role models, she is the ultimate threat, and gets pushed to the side on that account, more and more as feminists take over. Isn’t it odd that you don’t see any feminists trying to use her powerful position to further theirs? They do the opposite. She terrifies the feminist mind.
    She has proven to be the most valuable gift for me, and even though I am not finished yet, and cannot claim success until it is accomplished, I have complete confidence that one day I will, and this only because of her. And that confidence in itself brings a light to my eyes and a deep, unmistakable mystery to me that has, by far, been the most captivating aspect about me for my husband. He is totally fascinated by it, and filled with confidence in my strength and fidelity to him that my devotion to her entails, even against all the odds that are in place from what I’ve been through in my past. Another great quote: “Before, by yourself, you couldn’t. Now, you’ve turned to our Lady, and with her, how easy!”–St. Josemaria Escriva

  7. Maria

    Alright, never mind. It’s not me… it’s just going in the wrong spot no matter what I do!

  8. Butter

    That was helpful Sir Guy! Thank you so much for clarity.

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