1875. — Sex Difference Redux—Part 110: His Arrogance Attracts Her—I


In his comment at #1116, Sir Some Other Guy asked “what is going on” with this? “I consistently find that women perceive being treated as a princess by a man to be repulsive to them. It makes him seem weak. It makes him not attractive. I will admit that [your mileage may vary]. But I find that for women, arrogance = strong man, = attraction.” His clear headedness warrants this daily article.

For simplicity, I use arrogance to also represent other non-physical expressions of male dominance that women find appealing. And Some Other Guy is right—arrogance = strong man = attraction.

UNMARRIED TO EACH OTHER. Women naturally gravitate toward masculine arrogance. They’re naturally fascinated by what’s not fully understood but which can have significant meaning to them—intrigued by masculinity itself, by what they themselves lack, and by what they know to be of benefit to them if they can but harness it to their advantage.

Women learn how to handle and live with male dominance by exposure to arrogant manifestations. It reflects manly independence (that women sense they lack), suggests inner strength (disregard of what people think), and—most of all—earns respect for both the arrogant man and his gender. A man’s arrogance hints at courage, hides interests, disguises character, and generates mystery. (Women naturally use mystery dealing with men, and so they’re fascinated by its use.)

Incidentally, a fine line exists between teasing females and showing arrogance. The former pleases and makes them smile or blush at the attention, but it does little to generate female-male attraction. Such reactions, however, please men. The latter, arrogance, partially or fully infuriates women and yet generates attraction. It pleases women to see it and arrogant men know it full and perhaps purposely well.

No doubt women are socialized and conditioned for greater assertiveness against manly arrogance. However, I believe the attraction comes mostly from their nature. Arrogant men stimulate women to respond competitively. Instinct tells women they can and should compete with men for unmarried sex. Also, instinctive relationship expertise tells women they can change whatever they find incomplete about a husband, once they complete the capture. The consequence is attraction, women for arrogant men and by implication male dominance.

You may recall from other posts that men change dramatically after conquering a woman for their first sex together. Well, women change dramatically after marriage in order to curb husbandly arrogance.  What happens to most brides is the rest of the story—tomorrow.

19 Comments

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19 responses to “1875. — Sex Difference Redux—Part 110: His Arrogance Attracts Her—I

  1. Some Other Guy

    Glad you took this up as a full posting. I was not understanding why the lady commenter would complain about her man’s arrogance when that was the very thing that attracted her to him in the first place. Had he not been arrogant during the meeting/dating phase, he would not have even registered on her radar at all.

    • Anne

      It makes me sad that this is often true. I think sometimes women read “non-arrogance” as “not-that-into-me.” I know a GOLDEN beta-guy who I know sends this very non-arrogant vibe and his girlfriend just broke up with him and I really want to wring her neck (verbally, not physically of course). The man really would make a stellar husband and dad – I have known him for years & he is gold. But he doesn’t have an agressive bone in his body and I really can see why she broke up with him. But in 20 years I know she will regret it. Right now she is young and foolish. So, so sad to see. So sad.

  2. Anne

    “The consequence is attraction, women for arrogant men and by implication male dominance.”

    I just want to say that I’m not sure the “arrogance” needs changing or necessarily implies male dominance IF the woman learns to be indirect and patient (which I am still learning).

    In my book, “arrogance” is something to be prized even after marriage. Other names for this “arrogance” include “driven,” “motivated,” “strong-enough-to-make-his-OWN- decisions,” “persevering,” “responsible,” “mentally-crisp,” “sensible”… the list could go on. Words like “arrogant,” “hard-headed,” and even “independent” carry a negative connotation to wives. But just think what an “arrogant” and “independent” man would be like without those qualities! I know, I know: he’d be a sweeter, talkier, more-sensitive dude… and who doesn’t want a little of that to sweeten up her alpha-man?* But he also probably wouldn’t have landed that job-promotion. He wouldn’t be as highly respected by his co-workers or his pastor. He may not have so much his son’s somewhat-fearful-respect (which translates into a *much* easier task for mom!). This list could go on and on, too.

    So… while I think we all have our moments (after marriage) of wanting to soften and domesticate the “arrogant” man, I just want to throw in the other side of the coin. I conclude by saying I hope my son grows up to be a lot like his dad. He will probably forget to send me mother’s day cards a time or two & he may not visit home much once he starts college… but he’ll keep his head on straight no matter where life takes him and he’ll hopefully marry a nice girl who will send mother’s day cards for him. Just like I do for my mother-in-law.

    * I don’t suggest men who are naturally not “arrogant” / alpha men should change, either. I have several friends who married “beta” guys. Their husbands are a-maz-ing dads, really romantic husbands, etc. They spend more time at home in a month than my husband probably does in a year (maybe an exaggaration, but you get the idea). By what I wrote above I just want to say that after-marriage-women should remember the golden aspects that made their husbands attractive in the first place. Even if its “arrogance.”

    • Some Other Guy

      That’s a stellar comment Anne. We so often take for granted what we have and wish for something else.

      My son is scatterbrained, easygoing, not very ambitious and gets poor grades. But he is very confident, creative, wicked funny and effortlessly attracts followers. I keep telling my wife that these “unstructured” characteristics have the potential to pay off for him in the future. He will never be an engineering type. Yet not everyone can be creative like him. He is what he is and I just want to get him into adulthood in 1 piece and enjoy his company while he is still at home. Better to appreciate his strengths than try to make him something he is not.

      • Anne

        You son sounds like my brother, who is a pastor now and has an amazing way with people, especially making them feel welcomed even if they have a “past” – you just can’t be uncomfortable around the guy! He will never be the “book type” and he freely admits to not *enjoying* seminary studies. But wow can he minister to his flock. 🙂

        • Anne

          Whoops, that posted before I was finished. I just wanted to say your son sounds like a great guy and a very blessed one, too, since he is appreciated for who he is! 🙂

          • Some Other Guy

            Yeah, the contrast between older and younger bro is very stark. Younger one is an academic monster. We used to try to ride the older one’s butt all the time to get better grades and it made everyone miserable. Much better to just enjoy his funny jokes.

            • Maria

              Your son sounds cute! 🙂 I am definitely the type to admire arrogance in men and even in boys. I have a son like yours as well, and he even keeps me in check. He’s just like my husband. Social skills get far too little recognition for their value these days. My husband is very successful in his line of work, with followers and admirers galore, and he didn’t even graduate the tenth grade. He’s doing an exceptional job supporting me as a housewife and our four children. You’re very wise not to put out that little boy’s raw flame. Those are the types of boys who get their spirits crushed by feminism these days. Having a dad that protects and supports him is absolutely vital, and you’re doing the whole world a favor. Makes me happy.

  3. Cocoa

    Very iinteresting and seems to be true. But l have a question sir Guy

    Does arrogance in female, real or perceived, attract males?
    They might call it arrogant behaviour, but she might be shy, coy or even hard to get by nature. She might have grown up in a male dominated culture and not used to initiate and find it disturbing to do so. She might very feminine in the way she carries herself , very soft spoken and polite BUT ONLY when HE appoaches her. Otherwise she might see him but ignore him. He might ask her questions and she calmly dodges them, she might be called a snob and arrogant! … So, if she’s perceived arrogant does she attract him the same way as HIS arrogance attract her?!

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    No, her arrogance is an obvious threat to his sense of dominance. Losing to a woman, especially his mate, is the height of manly insignificance deep inside his heart. So, her arrogance is a turn off.
    Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Sir Guy,
      Is what CoCoa describes above perceived by men as arrogant? Your answer to her question doesn’t really address her description as accurate or not for arrogant female behavior. I feel the mannerisms she describes are quite common especially among soft spoken women — our whole lives having been misunderstood as being “conceited” or “arrogant” or “having our walls up” when in reality, we have a deep well of love to offer a man who will only make a move towards us. When I think of an arrogant woman, I picture the “I am woman, hear me roar!” kind of woman who is argumentative, always right, dogmatic in her thinking, and disrespects men in general. Basically a “bitty” as a kinder way to say it.

      Your Highness That Horse is Dead,

      You’re right but I have to play defense. I wouldn’t and don’t believe most guys would not see it as arrogance. Some might though. I responded to her first and last questions: “Does arrogance in female, real or perceived, attract males?… So, if she’s perceived arrogant does she attract him the same way as HIS arrogance attract her?!”

      Who knows when a guy will translate what you and Cocoa describe as your own behaviors? One has to be on-scene to judge that.

      Guy

    • Cocoa

      Hello again sir Guy, you usually and for most of the time convince me with your response. This time i am not sure that i am convinced.

      i agree though that you probably have to be present to assess. But let me share this with you and the respectable readers: I am pretty much like the females i describe above. I know for sure that i am not arrogant at all. I am a bit insecure and that’s why i am quieter, English too is not my first language, so i struggle to understand the slang sometimes. However, my quietness and my reluctance to initiate contact, which is what you advise women to do (hard to get), make others see me as arrogant. They might say that so i lower my walls but who knows.

      It is this arrogance that attract men and women to come and try to solve the mystery.

      Being vain, selective, quite and slow to initiate are some traits of being mysterious. I do sometimes choose to completely ignore people. They/you might call me rude but they know very well that there is a reason behind ignoring them.

      Anyway, i still believe that her ‘perceived arrogance’ attract him.

      @ THID , what you explained is exactly what i had in mind.
      @ Cinnamon, I totally agree with you. A man full of himself is a turn of for me.

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      You say others claim you to be arrogant and probably to get you to “lower my walls.” That’s normal of them but leaves it up to you to not change your standards to please others. It can be lonesome out there when your uniqueness stands out against others who seek to be like everyone else.
      Guy

      • Cocoa

        No, very hard for me to change or lower my standards. It does apply pressure and people who says that have their own agenda anyway.
        It could mean lonesome but that’s fine, i am comfortable with that in a society that seems out of order for me. I do stand firmly for what’s right. I do defend myself in a feminine manner and i won’t blend with lower standards.
        i have one girl frien at work. If i am not with her i am alone. I associate nicely with others even tthough they think i am weird, someone once told me “which era, which generation are you from?! We are in the 21st century you know!”. All because i mentioned that I prefer the being in my kitchen than work outside home. Then when i choose not to blend with them i am called a snob!

  4. Cinnamon

    Sir Guy,
    Of the hundreds articles you have written this is the only one where I fundamentally part ways with you.

    I feel you are confusing personality with masculinity. Some women are drawn to the type of personality you and Anne describe but others (such as myself) are not, at least not particularly, nor do we associate it that strongly, let alone exclusively, with masculinity.

    While I do appreciate and see the charisma of this type of man, I am generally not attracted to them, even though I do embrace traditional gender roles. I prefer a man with “quiet confidence” to the more alpha type personality you describe. A successful organisation will have only one CEO and a small team of Senior Managers; a university department will have only one or two “superstars” but a much larger contingent of less flashy academics, including poorly paid adjuncts. In short, the majority of men in ANY organisation will not be top dogs. Yet many of these lower-ranked men are wonderful men who hold strong appeal for the discerning woman and are, by my standards, very masculine if they provide, protect, and probem-solve. In fact, they are in some ways more masculine, at least in my eyes, because they go about their lives quietly without a constant parade of accolades and external validation.

    To put it another way, I prefer a man in the interquartile range but with a slightly higher “Mr Rogers Quoitent” than “Great Santini Quotient” (and I have dated both types). My Mr Goodnough treats me “like a princess” and it is one of the many traits in him that I find extremely attractive.

    With that said, you (the blog author) fall into the latter category (as an ex-military leader) and I adore you. But it is your kindness and character that inspire this admiration in me, not your “alphaness.” It is the kindness, character, determination, morality, ability to cope with suffering and unjust circumstances, concern for others, and desire to serve God that make a man masculine. The “alpha” and “beta” stuff is more about personality.

    Sorry if I have overstepped bounds here, Sir. Perhaps I am unusual, but I do think it’s important for readers to know that some women prefer a quieter, more understated kind of masculinity.

    Your Highness Cinnamon,
    Your lecture received in the spirit intended and my smile of appreciation remains in place. I shall respond tomorrow. I’m pretty sure we’re into apples and oranges, which is a good place to find clarity and truth.
    Guy

    • A.GuyMaligned

      YOUR HIGHNESS CINNAMON,

      NOTE: I RESPOND IN BRACKETS AND CAPS TO your questions in lower case WITH PARAGRAPHS BROKEN DIFFERENTLY FOR EASE OF READING.

      Sir Guy,

      Of the hundreds articles you have written this is the only one where I fundamentally part ways with you.

      I feel you are confusing personality with masculinity. POSSIBLY, BUT I LOOK AT THE TERMS THIS WAY. PERSONALITY IS THE REFLECTION OF WHO ONE IS. MASCULINITY IS A SUBSET OF HOW MAN-LIKE. MORE MAN-LIKE MEANS MORE AGGRESSIVENESS, WHICH OFTEN TAKES THE FORM OF ARROGANCE WHEN ACCOMPANIED BY LOW SENSE OF SELF-WORTH OR LOW SELF-ESTEEM OR BOTH.

      Some women are drawn to the type of personality you and Anne describe but others (such as myself) are not, at least not particularly, nor do we associate it that strongly, let alone exclusively, with masculinity. RECENT GENERATIONS OF MEN WERE RAISED WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND NOT RESPECTED ENOUGH IN YOUTH TO EARN HIGH LEVELS OF SELF-WORTH. THEREFORE, ARROGANCE IS MORE PRONOUNCED IN SOCIETY.

      While I do appreciate and see the charisma of this type of man, I am generally not attracted to them, even though I do embrace traditional gender roles. I prefer a man with “quiet confidence” to the more alpha type personality you describe. IOW, YOU PREFER A MAN WITH HIGHER SELF-ESTEEM AND SENSE OF SELF-WORTH. IF HE’S DYNAMIC, SURE OF HIMSELF, AND A BOLD LEADER, THEN HE’S AN ALPHA TOO. ARROGANCE IS A FLASHY SUBSET OF BEHAVIOR BY ALPHA MEN BUT NOT A NECESSARY TRAIT. IT APPEALS TO WOMEN WHO ALSO HAVE LOW LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-WORTH, AND SELF-CONFIDENCE.

      A successful organisation will have only one CEO and a small team of Senior Managers; a university department will have only one or two “superstars” but a much larger contingent of less flashy academics, including poorly paid adjuncts. In short, the majority of men in ANY organisation will not be top dogs. Yet many of these lower-ranked men are wonderful men who hold strong appeal for the discerning woman and are, by my standards, very masculine if they provide, protect, and probem-solve. In fact, they are in some ways more masculine, at least in my eyes, because they go about their lives quietly without a constant parade of accolades and external validation. PERCEPTION IS REALITY, SO WHATEVER APPEARS TO BE, IS. AT LEAST FOR YOU, COCOA, AND OTHERS.

      To put it another way, I prefer a man in the interquartile range but with a slightly higher “Mr Rogers Quotient” than “Great Santini Quotient” (and I have dated both types). My Mr Goodnough treats me “like a princess” and it is one of the many traits in him that I find extremely attractive. THE ROGERS-SANTINI DIFFERENCE IS CAUSED BY THE DIVERSE INTERMIXTURE OF SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-WORTH, SELF-CONFIDENCE, SELF-TALK, AND SELF-INTEREST.

      With that said, you (the blog author) fall into the latter category (as an ex-military leader) and I adore you. But it is your kindness and character that inspire this admiration in me, not your “alphaness.” It is the kindness, character, determination, morality, ability to cope with suffering and unjust circumstances, concern for others, and desire to serve God that make a man masculine. YOU DESCRIBE TRAITS THAT APPEAR IN GOOD MEN, BUT THEY HAVE BEEN TRAINED BY WOMEN TO LIVE THAT WAY. THESE ARE NOT INBORN TO THE MALE: KINDNESS, MORALITY, CONCERN FOR OTHERS, DESIRE TO SERVE ANYONE ELSE.

      The “alpha” and “beta” stuff is more about personality. I CAN’T DISAGREE THE ROOT IS ELSEWHERE. IT’S MORE ABOUT HOW MEN FOLLOW THEIR NATURE OR FOLLOW LESSONS LEARNED IN LIFE, WHICH WOMEN PERCEIVE AS THEIR PERSONALITY.

      Sorry if I have overstepped bounds here, Sir. OVERSTEPPING IS ENCOURAGED WHEN IT MAKES SENSE, SUCH AS YOU DO HERE.

      Perhaps I am unusual, but I do think it’s important for readers to know that some women prefer a quieter, more understated kind of masculinity. YOU’RE NOT ONLY UNUSUAL, YOU’RE UNIQUE. IF MORE WOMEN PREFERRED “a quieter, more understated kind of masculinity,” BOTH SOCIETY AND CULTURE WOULD BE ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE MORE FEMALE-FRIENDLY.

      • Krysie869

        Interesting response to Cinnamon.

        So let me get this clear. If a man acts arrogant or cocky towards a woman, he is doing so because he is insecure? I have came across men who would behave in such a way I would describe as overly confident to the point where it is highly unappealing because they often do so with a smug look and to me is suggests lack of humbleness. I know women who have also shared the same. Why would a man behave like this with some women but with others he appears more respectful especially if he is treated fairly by them? Is he imsecure around the women he acts cocky around?

        Your Highness Krysie869,
        Some insecurity is embedded in each of us. The one’s he wants to impress as most promising for sex are the ones that see him as cocky. If he’s less interested in them for sex or interested in them for themselves over and above sex, he will usually be less cocky. When cocky he doesn’t care if he loses. When not cocky, he does care.
        Guy

  5. My Husband's Wife

    Dear Sir Guy,

    My husband and I are reading this post and had a question regarding this statement: ” ARROGANCE IS A FLASHY SUBSET OF BEHAVIOR BY ALPHA MEN BUT NOT A NECESSARY TRAIT. IT APPEALS TO WOMEN WHO ALSO HAVE LOW LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-WORTH, AND SELF-CONFIDENCE.” My husband asked why do women with low levels go for this type of man as he thinks they would like the “nice” guys… Any thoughts here? Great post in clearing up the arrogance issue. I was confused, too like Cinnamon since I’m drawn to the more quiet, strong, bold type.

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

    Shyness, modesty, and female restraint are hallmarks of women who love themselves, which endows them with stronger character and personal comfort than with lesser blessed women. They live on the higher ends of the spectra of self-esteem and self-worth and use self-talk to upgrade their self-interest and self-confidence. Arrogance in both self and others interferes with productive self-talk; such women sense it and find arrogance both unattractive and unappealing.

    Far too many gals don’t love, probably dislike, and may even loathe themselves. Regularly feeling poorly about their less-than-expected importance and roles in life, they reach toward others for relief but never find enough. It works only temporarily. It triggers hope followed by defeat followed by hope and defeat almost endlessly. But they keep searching because they have no other options either from ignorance or opportunity. They don’t like the picture of them and their life and seek to change both. They may find it later or not. Their problem is internal, dislike of themselves, and it started with their parents or infant caregivers, and can’t be resolved by outsider humans—but God can help. To love herself, all she has to do is believe that God loves her as He does everyone else, and that uplifts her self-image to where she can live with herself much better—and without the appeal of arrogance.

    If you can figure out how to do it, tune in Glenn Beck’s TV show last night (11/18/14) on The Blaze. See how Darryl Strawberry and his wife—she an ex- and he a current heroin addict recovered and married. The point being, she tried and tried but couldn’t help him. It was all inside him to figure out.
    Incidentally, she pulled the trigger that worked inside him. She cut him off of sex; the first time anyone told him NO. He turned to the Bible, and changed his life totally. She rejoined him.

    It’s that way with gals who dislike themselves, although their need isn’t usually as great. Outsiders can’t uplift them. Only they can do it, which is why God’s help is so monumentally effective. And why the female heart is particularly softened for God’s help.

    Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
      I can speak as a woman who once loathed herself for nearly 20 years, and was completely broken the day I asked Jesus Christ to change me ten years ago. I was married to this type of arrogant, though highly charismatic, and verbally abusive kind of man. The reason I believe women with low self esteem go for this type of guy is because we don’t feel worthy of love. The “nice” guy makes a woman with low self esteem very uncomfortable because she doesn’t feel like she deserves him…although this is not what she is telling herself. In other words, she doesn’t quite understand why she’s so turned off by him. As this low woman, I was comfortable with someone who reaffirmed how I felt on the inside (like a loser). All the while wearing a mask to the world that everything was okay. Sir Guy is 100% correct that only the supernatural healing power of Christ can make a “dead horse” new again! It’s taken nearly a decade but I can now say that the first paragraph is ALL ME and I refuse to settle for less than a man who is Mr. Good Enough:)

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