1895. Sex Difference Redux—Part 113: Tame the Beast


Both the mind and heart work in mysterious ways, and I shall remove some mystery about the heart.

I’ve written a lot about love [posts 1764-1774 and 1842-1864] without describing the process by which a man’s love develops. Romantic love is merely the hook that jumpstarts the real thing.

With both his job and a woman, a man’s love develops in the process described below. Therein lie the principles for taming the beast.

Dreams induce romantic love in most men; for example, join the military to fly jets. The romance of challenges sets the hook. Whenever and whatever job he chooses, in each he encounters responsibilities, which are the building blocks of every man’s love.

Neither she nor his job is the exclusive source of his love. Haven’t heard that before, have you? Well it works like this; responsibilities are the rungs on the ladder that he climbs to program his heart to love both his woman and his job.

He gets a job and quickly learns that he has responsibilities. He daily fulfills them with a consistent sense of accomplishment, which stimulates self-admiration. Persistent reinforcement of his sense of self-admiration grows into significance of either what he does, likes to do for his employer, or both. Those actions program his heart into attachment to his job and loyalty to his employer. That’s what women see as love of job.

Comfortable with a job, he pursues a woman who looks for him to love her. The same process works but with her as the employer. His sense of self-admiration and significance grow according to successfully fulfilling responsibilities, which just happen to be the same things that make the smart woman love a man.

Responsibilities such as showing respect, entertaining her, pleasing her, making dates meaningful, feeding enjoyable words to her, admiring her strengths and talents, protecting her, staying in frequent touch, longing to have sex with her but accepting her denials, praising her appearance, claiming her beauty, warming her heart, making her feel good to be with him, advising her objectively when asked, showing promise to brighten her future, surprising her with attentions and gifts, and the myriad of other responsibilities that when fulfilled both honor her and make him worthy of her.

The longer the time involved and more persistently and successfully that he does those things to her satisfaction and the more habitual and routine his actions become, then the more consistently he earns self-admiration. With it, his sense of significance grows, which makes him desirous of expanding his responsibilities for her well-being and future life. What she perceives of his actions, she interprets as devotion and calls it his love of her. Him? He perceives he’s doing just exactly what he wants to do and wants to continue doing. She holds enough promise to be worth his efforts.

By the time their mutual romantic love fades one or two years beyond their first sex together, he should be in love with himself for fulfilling his responsibilities to her and she in love with herself for his doing it. If two self-loves have not grown from her standards and his efforts to meet them, then enduring love will not have formed in their hearts and separation isn’t far off.

Consequently, the unearned emotions of just loving one another—such as romantic love—are far weaker than the emotional connections developed and tightened by his fulfilling responsibilities and her setting and upholding standards to tame the beast. IOW, love doesn’t just happen; it has to be generated with actions because actions and not words program the heart. Voluntarily meeting her standards program his heart to love his ability to care for her, aka producing/providing/protecting/problem solving.

If not already evident, the enduring love of a man depends on a woman’s personal development of standards and expectations up to which she expects and demands that every man abide and honor. It’s that and that only that programs one man’s heart to favor her over other women and himself. It’s called enduring love. aka the kind that lasts for life.

9 Comments

Filed under sex differences

9 responses to “1895. Sex Difference Redux—Part 113: Tame the Beast

  1. Lin

    Beautiful post, Sir Guy. Brought me to tears.

    Your Highness Lin,
    Is it this clear? A man’s love rests on his respect for his job or employer and builds up as he satisfies his responsibilities on their behalf. He loves his job because the responsibilities are easy to perceive and confidently fulfill steadily as they don’t change much or irrationally; he satisfies himself by identifying the necessary tasks and accomplishing them. If a woman doesn’t fill the role of employer by defining her values, standards, and expectations that challenge him, that provoke him to earn her by fulfilling those responsibilities, then he has nothing to earn or to live up to with her except sex. He loves his job because the responsibilities are easy to perceive. OTOH, his love never forms or doesn’t deepen enough to last forever if she has no values, standards, and expectations that she defends as essential for him to be worthy of her.
    Guy

    • Sharon

      A very thought-provoking post, Sir Guy. Especially the final paragraph, “…the enduring love of a man depends on A WOMAN’S PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT OF STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS up to which she EXPECTS and DEMANDS that EVERY man abide and honor.” As a guide, or supporting basis for this, what comes to mind here is Proverbs 31:25 “Strength and dignity are her clothing…” From personal experience, in a long-time marriage, I have sometimes been “jarred” to realize that my MAINTENANCE of standards and expectations is required. (E.g. Consider that, unless one is ill, getting dressed is an action taken every day.) None of us is perfect, and when my husband “blows it,” I must consider forgiveness, but also, the inner questioning regarding how much disappointment/disapproval I register with him. I have never sought to “punish” with the “silent treatment,” but if I feel disappointed, hurt, or embarrassed, I need time to think, and that requires silence and mental distancing on my part, which may be one aspect of maintaining the dignity named above. I have read that “Force without wisdom falls of its own weight.” (Horace) That’s another reason to think first and speak later, rather than reacting in the moment. We are conditioned to want things to be fast today, but wisdom comes slowly.

      Your Highness Sharon,
      Well said. Thanks.
      Guy

  2. Cocoa

    Always been mystery to me – Love that is.

    Read about it in the bible. Seen it evident on the Cross.

    Never experienced it (or so I think) with a man. A man that I choose to love, not a man that chosen me to love. Too late now.

    Can 2 love each other without a word spoken about their feelings? Can it only be evident by hints and actions from both sides (like these black and white romantic movies) through their warm smiles and eye locks? If yes, Can it last forever? Doesn’t have to end or be sealed with marriage? Can they continue to love without a touch?

    Am I in ‘La La’ land?

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    Of course. It depends on the people and the lessons they have learned and ambitions they have for being close to someone. The article describes the nature of men; individuals can learn things that overrule their nature, but they need confirming experience to be successful or ambitions to be different than how they were born.
    Guy

  3. Lisette

    This post is very interesting to me because I have dated men who later went on to long term relationships and even married women whose moral standards & expectations were clearly lower than mine and who had more baggage in tow than I did. I always wondered about that. It’s frustrating. If men thrive on responsibility, as you point out in this post, it occurred to me that maybe the attraction is due to these women giving off a stronger “damsel in distress” vibe than I. The thing is, what is a decent girl to do? If a woman’s life is in order and she’s tried her best to keep her nose clean and comport herself like a lady, she just isn’t going to need rescuing as much as someone who has made more questionable choices. So how do I get the St. Bernard to come to me when I’m not buried under an avalanche and the other women are?

    Your Highness Lisette,

    Keep the faith in yourself that you know what’s best for you.

    As to previous guys, you can’t know why they married nor what keeps them together. They may be living different lives under the same roof. Your analogy of “damsel in distress” sounds close enough to be real. Analyze yourself this way: Do you show an excess of independence about your life, or find it easy to dismiss or find fault in a man paying attention to you?

    Don’t value your worth or life by what you see. Value it by being true to the principles by which you live which some man will see as virtuous. The St. Bernards are sniffing for survivors in an avalanche of immorality. There are other breeds living away from that avalanche. Unless you’re of a non-Christian religion and even if an atheist, dress better than other single women, go to church every week and more than once if possible, arrive early, always sit in the same pew, read the Bible until service starts, and see what happens within a few months. The non-St. Bernards are not looking for victims but unique-looking dolls with whom they can earn self-admiration by providing charm, attention, and fun to see what develops.

    Guy

  4. Lisette

    Thanks, Guy! I needed that reinforcement (sometimes you sound just like my Dad!). I’ve been having a run of bad luck with men who date me for a while then go on to date some other girl, then they live together, then marry. As a practicing Catholic, the “living together” part is something I could never do, so maybe these guys weren’t right for me anyway, but yes I do feel disappointed when it happens!
    That part about “dressing better than other single women” is definitely something I should work on. I have a shy personality and while I do make an effort to look attractive and presentable, I try to be on par with others rather than standing out.

    Your Highness Lisette,
    I’m impressed that you keep the faith. It’s far better guidance than anecdotes, customs, and appearances that so easily mislead.
    Guy

  5. Simone

    This explains so much. A guy and I had a feverish argument about what love means. My stance was that love is about sacrifice for another’s best interest and well being. He said love is about action. That love is an action word. From your post I can understand his logic now.

    My question: – When a woman “defines her values, standards, and expectations that challenge him”.
    How does a woman articulate where she stands to a man who has expressed interest?
    The last guy who showed serious interest was not a christian and when I told him “I don’t date unsaved guys” it just about caused a showdown and the “friendship” was a butting of heads from then on until it dissolved. He wanted an intimate relationship, I wanted friendship and it died an unnecessarily long death.

    Right now there is another guy and I don’t know how to explain myself without hurting his feelings or coming off as snobbish so I say nothing.. just laugh it off. Which is not working…

    Your Highness Simone,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    First, if you worry about his feelings when describing yourself, he’s the wrong guy to start. You’ve already made yourself subordinate to him.

    Second, you have many opportunities to describe your values, standards, and expectations. Think of those things up to which he must step in order to be worthy of you. For example:

    • You define touch standards by keeping his hands off sensitive areas. You need not say anything until it gets out of hand. And even then, don’t explain yourself or complain about him except for his hand placement.

    • You see a foreign woman walking three paces behind her husband. You comment that it’s a shame that such male dominance exists.

    • You point out a blended family and say you have every intention of not doing that.

    • He asks for a weekend trip together. Your respond without explaining yourself that you don’t do that. Give him every chance to accept your expectation quietly without disturbing your dignity.

    • When he persists in not recognizing your “No” to any matter of importance, excuse yourself and walk away. If on a date, ask to be taken home.

    • You don’t have to preach against something that you anticipate him asking or wanting to do, but any hints you can drop will help convey your standards.

    • If you’re not ready to kiss, don’t kiss. If you’re not ready for a date, delay him. If you’re not willing to go somewhere with him, don’t go. You only need to be firm with your denials. If it takes more to discourage him, then show an edge of anger until he gets your message.

    If a guy is not amenable to living with your values, standards, and expectations, then he will treat you the same disrespectful way all your lives together. If you don’t lead, he will. If you don’t lead with your character standing out, he will never respect you enough to love you to the depth that you crave.

    Guy

  6. Simone

    Thank you especially about the part about explaining myself.
    That is so true of me.
    With one guy I almost broke out 2 Corinthians 6:14 and did a mini bible study on why we had to remain friends only.
    Now I know I need not ever go that farm just stand firm and not be so darn apologetic all the time.

    Thank you Guy

  7. Cinnamon

    Sir Guy,
    This advice is outstanding. It summarizes very well what you have written elsewhere about dating and standards (boundaries).

    Simone,

    I have found that reminding myself that my standards are objective, and not a personal rejection of any man in particular, prevents me from getting overly emotional by personalizing things when I have to set these boundaries. It was Sir Guy’s writings on the subject that put me into the correct frame of mind. Here is an example of how I applied his method:

    Awhile back I was on a second or third date with a man who became very forward out of the blue at the end of the evening by asking me a specific question. I wasn’t prepared for this because he had been very low key up to that point. Quite frankly I was shocked, and without thinking I just blurted out “ARE YOU JOKING???” in response to the question. He started to laugh and backed off right away. I didn’t get angry or hold it against him and, fortunately, it hasn’t happened since.

    Sir Guy has taught me well (“Don’t Complain and Don’t Explain” – LOL).

  8. prayerline2000@gmail.com

    There appears to be something missing here – perhaps I missed it. Gods Love…The only reason we humans can love is because GOD first loved us… There is selfishness in some of these things I think.. again I may have missed the point. UNSELFISH LOVE is the answer and not expecting something in return is my objective. Knowing that something will come back is a Known thing – not an expected thing… LOVE Unselfishly – do not keep score of how many loving things you have done for your loved one… Work towards being a better Christian and being closer to God because the closer you both get to GOD the closer you become to each other.., any way just my Christian Opinion… GOD BLESS YOU.

    Your Highness,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Yes, you missed this point. The blog describes human nature as God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize men and women. It’s as if they emerge the womb as inexperienced adults. Learning about God and love come later in life, and that’s why you spot “selfishness in some of these things.”

    Guy

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