1903. Compatibility Axioms #41-50


41. Without marrying them, men see women as completely entitled to try hard, harder, and hardest not to yield. Men protect their own assets that way. Also, they don’t expect to yield freedom just because a woman yields sex, so she’s seen as a competitor and her hard-headedness generates challenge to his manly skill.

42. If a man doesn’t have to earn her for marriage, she’s not all that valuable to him. If she’s eager and willing and intends to win him, then he thinks contrary to her wishes. First, it’s not his idea. Second, she must be      desperate or worse. Third, let’s get back to sex.

43. Before she marries is the most effective time for a woman’s natural hard-headedness to shine. Not hard-headed to tell men what to do but to protect her sexual assets; convince them of her values, standards, and expectations; and indirectly convey the thought that they must win her to have her.

44. During dating and courtship is the most effective time for a woman’s soft-heartedness to dull. Soft heart never won brave knight.

45. After they marry is the appropriate time for a woman’s soft-heartedness to be continually polished into a bright reflection and example for the family. Soft-heartedness charms husband into remaining responsible for family and grown children to want to visit mom.

46. After they marry, wife’s hard-headedness doesn’t free up Mr. Good Enough to morph into Mr. Right. If he does what she says all the time, she will lose respect for him. If he takes her expectations too readily, he won’t realize his greatest potential for brightening their future.

47. Women mistakenly think that sex the first time with a man is the same as sexual events that follow. Not so. A man changes dramatically after conquering a woman. He inherits certain ‘rights’ of the conqueror that shape their relationship for life.

48. The ease with which a woman yields sex their first time together tells the man how dominant he can be and how submissive he expects her to be. The ratio that results shapes their relationship till the end.

49. Sex neither before nor after marriage holds a man. Sex bonds her but not him. By violating their nature with promiscuous sex for the sake of sex, even married women later find their lives much emptier than planned, intended, or hoped. Bond with their man doesn’t satisfy their childhood hopes and dreams.

50. Sex after marriage is totally his due, because he gave up his freedom in exchange for frequent, convenient, and on-demand sex, except when he decides to obey her needs or grant her wishes. (Readers, don’t read too much into it. It’s his nature in the raw that is usually cooked by experience into something more reasonable.)

14 Comments

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14 responses to “1903. Compatibility Axioms #41-50

  1. Jessica Prepetit

    Thank you! This is very enlightening. God bless you.

    Warmly, Jessica Prepetit

  2. StillLearning...

    Oh, how I wish I was told all of this when I was younger! Thank you, Sir Guy.

  3. Some Other Guy

    #50. IMHO, you watered it down too much. My male divorced friends have one thing in common. The wives used sex as a bargaining tool or a reward for behaving in a certain way for the wives. They made my friends re-earn what they had already won. Using sex in this manner violates the agreement that #50 articulates. In other words, men get married assuming that they will be able to get sex (essentially) on demand. The wives that rebel against that idea are asking for problems in the marriage. A man that cannot claim what is his, what he married, is in effect castrated. My experience is that it does not work out well for either party.

    I get it, not everyone or every couple is this way or operates like this. But there is some flavor of this idea in every man. He may deny it, but it is certainly there.

    Sir Some Other Guy,

    Wives that do as you describe initiate behaviors in direct contradiction of the male nature. They’re not about to listen to you, me, or other men about their mistakes. With so many divorced sisters, it’s amazing they think they can win over time.

    In any event, this blog is one man’s attempt to familiarize women who intuitively know better with a more detailed picture of the male nature. Your contributions help a lot too.

    Guy

  4. Some Other Guy

    Axiom #51. Have lots of sex as a married couple. It is a well documented and studied finding that the more sex a couple has, the better their chances are for remaining a couple. There is a positive correlation for sex and happiness for both partners as well.

    Sir Some Other Guy,
    Thanks. Your #51 is worthy of publishing as #51 next issue.
    Guy

  5. Cocoa

    Dear sir Guy, I am by nature a bit extra soft hearted, and I didn’t know that till I became a mother it is very well manifested. However, I am a very balanced mum and my children are very balanced too. I also believe being a Christian adds to this softness. Can you please elaborate more on #44. Thanks

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    It’s a reversal of a centuries old saying, “Faint heart never won fair lady.” During dating and courtship, if a woman judges and decides based on the soft-hearted side of her nature, she makes present-day mistakes to please her man but that harm her future. The present is the man’s domain to rule. If she uses the hard-headed side of her nature, she makes decisions to brighten her future (her domain if she wins the influence to rule), which leads her to make fewer mistakes in the present.
    Guy

    • Cocoa

      I should add (just to be clear). So what’s the way for me or more for other *soft females* when the date or court or even before that. How can they hide this nature of them. It is something that is perceived straight away! Or maybe you are only referring to soft heartedness in relation to yielding to a man. If this is the case, then, my heart is as hard as a rock. Please correct me if I am wrong.

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      No, I don’t just mean about yielding sex but about doing other things that men like to lead women into. She needs to judge hard and fast against whatever men try to talk her into.
      Her hard-headedness protects her by refusing to do things that are wrong—morally, religiously, customarily, or unnaturally. Her soft-heartedness too easily makes her fall prey and does not protect her from those things.
      Guy

      • Cocoa

        Totally agree.

        Again as you’ve mentioned multiple time in this respectable blog. There is nothing that help and make a woman exceptional more than believing in something higher than herself, such a God, religion and/or morals.

        I remember having these conversations with a male colleague (he seems interested or I dare say attracted) and he sometimes try to convince me otherwise. One occasion was about a particular issue we were debating as a nation (won’t mention it as some of your blog readers may be offended by my views), and I made my views then very clear. Another occasion was about God Himself and I stood firm by my beliefs and defended them with charm and intelligence. I actually thought that the guy won’t talk to me again and might not be interested any more (and I didn’t really care). However, to my surprise, he didn’t. He even tries to get my attention now by bringing up the same subjects (as if he’s teasing me).

        Uh, can you believe it that we were discussing morals and how bringing up good children is a challenge, and I said “for example when parents lie, children will sure do the same thing” he responded “and what wrong with lying”!!! I looked at him and said “well I guess no need for me to continue if these are the standards these days.” Didn’t talk to him for a day or so, and he still came back trying to imply that he was joking.

        Please forgive my rant. However, as I am typing I realised that I might be on the right track after I was a bit confused.

        I will continue to be my feminine self, with an ultra soft heart and a rock-solid head.

        Thanks for teaching me, after God, to be a better woman 🙂

    • Cocoa

      Many thanks sir Guy, understood.

      So while a woman is exhibiting her natural kindness, calmness, generosity and gentleness, when it comes to decision making and judgment, that’s when she uses her intuition and hardheadedness. I think I got this one right. It is something worth teaching teen girls before it’s too late.

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      I agree with all that you say.
      Guy

  6. I am sort of confused, I guess, about the balance between being touchy-feely and cut-the-crap in relating to a man.

    I completely get that, if I allow myself to be led by my nurturing and empathetic tendencies, it makes me easy prey to be manipulated, used, and rejected.

    I completely get that, if a man is interested in me, he will not be deterred by mystery, silence, and having to do things like actually talk to me to learn what I’m thinking, what I want, etc.

    I guess I get hung up on the idea that I’ve been hearing in various forms for years: men have a tough exterior that hides a fragile ego; a woman can crush a man’s ego with a careless word.

    Hmmm.

    I am at a point in a developing relationship that, if I don’t get the soft-hearted/hard-headed balance right, at some I’m probably going to drive myself and the man in question crazy . . . and apart.

    Right now, having essentially said that he’s not free to just casually invade my physical space and mess with my feelings by thoughtless hugs, I am trying to keep my mouth mostly shut and wait for him to sort some things out.

    I am not sorry about what I’ve said. But I keep getting hung up on “could I have said things in a more appealing way? a kinder way?”

    And I’ve probably messed things up this week by sending him an e-mail that’s all chatty and girly and trying to convey that I’m sorry if I damaged his fragile ego . . .

    And in thinking about it, I have probably undercut the message of “you have to take me more seriously” with “no, you can continue to think of me (or not think of me) in whatever casual way you choose.”

    I guess what it boils down to is: I need to find a really concrete way to feel tough and be tough in a way that a man will respect . . . and in a way that does not violate my touchy/feely nature.

    (I will say that journaling as elsewhere described on this blog has great potential for lessening my desire to blurt out insecurities and apologies for things that don’t need to be apologized for . . .)

    Your Highness Entwyf,

    May I suggest that you study the series Virtual Virginity listed in the CONTENTS page at top of blog. Pay particular attention to the concept of ‘full disclosure’.

    Forget the male ego as some mysterious and unexplainable thing that haunts women. To understand the fragility, think of it as consisting of two closely connected parts in his heart of hearts. 1) His predominant motivator is to satisfy his need for self-admiration. It’s a constant pursuit, which should relieve the mystery. 2) His greatest fear is insignificance. His worth to himself depends on the sense he has of his own significance in his world and on behalf of those for whom he is responsible.

    So, disrupt his thoughts that he’s admirable in your or his eyes, and you’ve inflicted damage. OTOH, make remarks or suggest that his sense of significance is in question, challenged, or threatened, and you have, as women put it, damaged his sacrosanct ego. Either or both ways, you’ve made yourself unappealing but perhaps only temporarily; you may be able to recover. Or, repeat such offenses, and you earn being tricked or disrespected at best and dumped at worst.

    Guy

    • Some Other Guy

      @Entwyf, I fully agree w/ Sir Guy. You should be nice to him by all means. You do not need to agree with everything he says, nor should you. But there is no need to demean or insult him. The best description I have come across is that women need to act like they are the coach of a sports team. Your potential mate is like a recruit who is trying out to earn a spot on the team. As a coach you are putting the recruit thru trials to see how he performs. You will not accept him on your team unless he can fulfill your obligations. How would you treat such a recruit? You would be hoping that he could pass all of your tests. You would be encouraging to him. You would be nice to him, maybe even nurturing to him. You would be laying out your expectations for him (this is the whole dating thing). You can only give him your expectations. It is up to him to win a position on your team. Sure you are rooting for him to succeed. You like him after all. Encouragement is good. But he has to step up and perform or he doesn’t make your team.

      And at the same time you should be evaluating his character. If I were you I would be a little uneasy about some of the things that this guy has said to you. Lying has a very corrosive effect on a marriage. As well if you are strong in faith and he is willing to belittle that, it is something that you will want to get to the bottom of.

      Before marriage, you should not have to protect his ego so much. A man needs to prove himself to you. No need to squash his ego, but he needs a certain strength of self. After marriage, he has already proven himself and he has earned you. This is when you must do everything to keep from disrespecting him.

      Women in the media always mock men and say that the male ego is such a delicate little flower that is so fragile. It is not that way at all. Rather, if a man lets you into his heart, he expects that you will take care not to damage it. It is a trust issue. After the marriage has taken place, a man that is disrespected will come to view the wife as a traitor. Each episode of disrespect has the effect of closing off his heart. After enough episodes, the man will put up a wall that will not be penetrated ever again. This is not a mystery at all. What would you do if your BFF constantly denigrated you? Would you be willing to tolerate that very long? Of course not. Why should a man tolerate that from his wife? Why should a wife tolerate that from her man?

  7. I’m going to print off this exchange and carry it around with me for a while.

    The man in question has attracted my attention and kept it because–based on what I have observed over a year’s time, based on what others have said about him, and based on what he has said about himself–he is one of the good guys. Smart, hard-working, creative, compassionate, loyal, and optimistic about life despite going through the pain of divorce.

    He’s not perfect, but he’s amazing–to me. I respect him very much. I never want to do or say things that would make light of what he’s been through or what he’s struggling with. However, in the current lull in our interactions, I have had a chance to look back and see my particular insecurities at work in some things I’ve said and done. Making smart remarks and stuff like that. Operating with a double standard in some areas.

    I like the coaching analogy. I guess I’m bad coach material at this point because i have to say I don’t know exactly what my expectations are . . . no, that’s wrong, because there are some negative expectations based on past experiences that keep cropping up. Intellectually, I absolutely know he’s A Good Guy. Emotionally, I keep seeing a guy who treated me badly years ago.

    So how can I possibly give clear signals and praise him and encourage him for being the wonderful person he is? Aaargh! Relationships: the most complicated team sport in the world.

  8. Tica

    Sir Guy, don’t know if you have addressed it on the blog already but about initiating the ‘define the relationship’ conversation: I read an article aimed at men advising them that a woman who doesn’t initiate that conversation doesn’t have ‘experience at pressuring a man’ like that was a bad thing, and essentially saying it was the woman’s job and to blow off a woman who doesnt.That has always seemed way too forward and kinda insults me that the idea is that it’s the woman’s job to run down the man. In what small experience I’ve had with men, I took great pains not to seem clingy, ect, and he initiated the DTR. Of course there are those relationships that never seem to get defined and the girl complains that the guy won’t commit/marry her. Just wondering if you think it’s ever appropriate for a woman to initiate a DTR talk so directly? Thanks!

    Your Highness Tica,

    Remember this, I’m coming from the perspective of the male and female nature as first and today’s relationship values as second in importance for successful relationships.

    It may be appropriate at any time but it’s a self-defeating choice “for a woman to initiate a DTR talk so directly.” She has so many other talents and skills that make indirectness, seed planting, and patience more beneficial. She exploits her strengths to earn a man’s respect, which is essential as the foundation of his love.

    DTR is the task of the seller. You are, or should be, the buyer. An old sales tactic applies here; the first one to name a price loses. If you DTR, you chase him off. If you can’t fish, plant seeds, and indirectly induce him to describe the price he’s willing to pay, then you don’t earn enough respect for him to love you enough to stay.

    In simple steps, the male nature can be viewed as working like this. Men are after conquest first and foremost. Second, they decide whether to sustain the relationship for frequent and convenient sex. Third, they think about what to do next. If pressured to DTR, they tend to flee; that’s a domain that only they can define. They do it on their own time and schedule. They respond to self-induced pressure that grows fast or slow from ideas fertilized by a woman’s attractiveness, charm, and likeability for brightening his present life.

    Guy

  9. ironic

    The more l read this Guy the more l want to spend time working on my business and not my relationships with men. Oh let me reframe that because the “relationship” is only in my imagination. The more l read this Guy the more l want to spend time working on my business. Excuse me l couldn’t help myself.

    Your Highness Sally,
    You make plenty of sense. The more time you spend on your business, the less vulnerable to a man taking advantage of you. Business time prevents internalizing, too much of which breeds desperation, which men spot easily and know how to play.
    Guy

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