1912. Men Self-talk Their Way to the Altar


It’s woman-think. Why don’t men love as women do? Because of this, their nature differs. The following man-think arises out of the natural combination of male hard-headedness and hard-heartedness. It’s the background of a man’s proclamations of love and actions that precede marriage.

A man doesn’t seriously think of marriage until four issues tickle his curiosity, flood his imagination with self-talk about likely outcomes, and satisfy his expectations for living with someone. 1) She will or will not be conquered without marriage. 2) Her combined virtues display great promise for maintaining his home and supporting whatever he does to produce, provide, protect, and solve their consequential problems. 3) She outshines other women. As he imagines it, she’s obviously dedicated to upholding her virtuous nature at least to the promise of being faithful to him not only sexually but cooperatively, encouragingly, and inspiringly. 4) He’s considering investing himself into life with her, so is he totally confident that he’s not making a mistake? Is she really who he thinks she is? Can he really be what he intends to be as husband and father?

A man first likes a woman because of what he sees and hears from her; it’s her likeability and he expects her to remain that way for life with him. Those features, traits, and habits that he admires, however, become her virtues. They combine to form the promise he sees for her in his life. To the extent that her virtues accumulate, his respect for her grows, and a man’s love is based on respect. To the extent that her virtuous likeability also continues as he expects, then his intuitive opposition to marriage crumbles.

Contrary to how modern women behave, women compete with other women to win a man. When they compete with men—except about their first sex together—they don’t score very well at all. The difference in her likeability and his desire to marry flows out of ‘comparison shopping’. He sees her in competition with other women. When she outshines them, he admires her uniquely attractive-to-him features, traits, and habits. Her actions that demonstrate dedication to her virtues persuade him of her sincerity and trustworthiness and convince him that she’s better for him than his independence.

Women know how they love, but do they know what men are likely to regard as virtue and coin-of-the-realm for marriage? The following female strengths were published in January 2008. Article 59 listed female strengths that flow out of their natural but often opposed hard-headedness and soft-heartedness. When any is admired by a man, it becomes a virtue and adds to her virtuousness in that man’s imagination.

  1. Physical attractiveness marvelously enhanced by affordable attire and classy grooming.
  2. Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest coverings to reinforce that other men are forbidden access.
  3. Gentleness provided out of almost endless patience.
  4. Forgetfulness that truly follows forgiveness.
  5. Thoughtfulness that any mate deserves.
  6. Gratefulness for her man that shines as her being happy when he’s around.
  7. Submissiveness as vital to her spirit of cooperation.
  8. Happiness that spreads infectiously because she continually spotlights its source, gratitude.
  9. Joyfulness that inspires greater hope in those around her.
  10. Chasteness promised to him by modest speech and appearance.
  11. Generousness that smashes selfishness out of a couple’s or family’s life.
  12. Delightfulness that makes her man smile.
  13. Unselfishness that spreads as example for all.
  14. Neatness that inspires others to pay attention to small things.
  15. Goodness that sets a shining example.
  16. Faithfulness that inspires him to follow suit.
  17. Respectfulness given unconditionally without others first having to earn it.
  18. Trustfulness given instead of constructive criticism (which is still criticism).
  19. Friendliness that flows out of her liberal application of honey rather than vinegar.
  20. Virtuousness that absorbs guilt without finding reason to pass or spread it to others.
  21. Respectfulness demonstrated routinely to others in this order: 1) as a person, 2) according to their sex, and 3) according to their multiple roles in life—for example, husband, provider, policeman, infant, teacher, toddler, mother, nurturer, boss, grandma, et al.

As you have seen, the nature of men produces a premarital process and commitment agenda very different from both the womanly process and whatever women envision for men. Women are fond of makeovers in appearance because men appreciate the results. If more women had makeovers in virtuous behavior, I predict that men would appreciate it and that many more would step up to the marital plate and swing for the homerun.

9 Comments

Filed under courtship

9 responses to “1912. Men Self-talk Their Way to the Altar

  1. Iwannahear

    Thank you for yet another wonderful post

  2. Iwannahear

    Im kind off gettin discouraged-I seem to be doing everything right and Mr Good enough hasnt shown his face!

    Your Highness Iwannahear,
    Be patient lest you start acting desperate, which shifts the advantage to men. Also, just because you’re “doing everything right” in your eyes doesn’t mean others see you the same way. May I suggest you study and follow posts 1440 and 1752 and see if post 806 stirs you to a new habit.
    Guy

  3. Ari

    worth printing and keeping!

    Your Highness Ari,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when someone else joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  4. Tica

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your questions in lower case WITH PARAGRAPHS BROKEN FOR EASE OF READING.
    GUY

    ———
    Hello Sir Guy,
    Is there any alteration or distortion of these guidelines in cases where a man divorces and then remarries quickly, like within months or under a year? SURE. HOWEVER, THE PROCESS REMAINS THE SAME WITH EACH VALUATION OF HIS PROSPECT TO INVEST HIMSELF. HE JUST MADE MISTAKES AND CHANGES THE INPUTS. FOR EXAMPLE, HER VIRTUES AFTER MARRIAGE WERE NOT THE SAME AFTERWARD. OR, HE MISREAD HER AND HIS JUDGMENTS WENT AWRY. SO, HE CONCLUDES DIFFERENT DECISIONS BUT DOESN’T CHANGE THE PROCESS, WHICH ARISES OUT OF HIS NATURE.

    I know at least two men who after their divorces, rebounded rather quickly with women who were seemingly ‘downgrades’ of the spouse. THEY MAY HAVE FOUND THAT THEIR FORMER ‘UPGRADES’ EPITOMIZED WHAT THEY COULDN’T TOLERATE. PERHAPS THIS: THE WIVES REJECTED THEIR HUSBAND’S LEADERSHIP IN FAVOR OF WIFE’S BOSSINESS.

    Can a man in that shape really prioritize or do one of more of your points go out the window in the face of their desire to remarry and openness to doing it so soon after a divorce? THE DECISION PROCESS DOESN’T CHANGE BUT INPUTS DO. THE SECOND OR LATER TIME AROUND, HE’S EXPERIENCED AND KNOWS MUCH BETTER WHAT HE WANTS (VIRTUOUS VALUES) AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHAT HE HATES IN A MATE.

    It’s funny to me how some men will sour on marriage after the first, and then some will get married many more times. I SUBMIT THAT THIS MAKES THE DIFFERENCE. MEN SOUR ON MARRIAGE WHEN WIFE CHANGES FROM THE WOMAN HE MARRIED AND BECOMES AN UNLIKEABLE MATE. HER PREMARITAL PHONINESS SEDUCED HIM INTO MISREADING AND WRONGLY MEASURING HER WORTH AS AN INVESTMENT OF HIMSELF. HE’S ANGRY AT HIS MISTAKE BUT BLAMES ALL WOMEN BECAUSE HE CAN’T UNDERSTAND HER LACK OF INTEGRITY.

    OTHERS WHO BECOME MARRIED MANY MORE TIMES DON’T BLAME ALL WOMEN. THEY FIND THAT THEIR EXES JUST WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH BY THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND SO THEY DON’T BLAME ALL WOMEN. THEY ALSO ARE MORE EXPERIENCED AND HAVE GREATER CONFIDENCE IN THEIR FUTURE JUDGMENTS.

    I wonder if the expectations for that 5th marriage are by default lower. NOT NECESSARILY. EXPERIENCE TEACHES SUCH MEN HOW TO PERFECT THEIR DECISION PROCESS, HOW TO BETTER TRANSLATE A WOMAN’S PROMISE INTO WORTH FOR HIM.

    I confess, I am dating one of the aforementioned serial marriers who is now divorced from his last ‘downgrade’. He’s almost 20 years older than me and it is easily the best relationship I’ve ever had. When push comes to shove, I’m scared to commit because of his history and I find myself looking for any kind of a Dr Jekyll-Mr. Hide thing going on with him. His parents/grandparents had long marriages to one spouse, we seem to have the same values, ect. He gently hints about a future with me and now I go back and forth in my mind on a daily basis. I don’t want to give him up but I don’t want to commit either. I keep looking for that one magic test that will tell if I would end up just like the others. He is respectful towards me and wants to spend more time with me than anyone I’ve ever dated. It’s not that I’m the bees knees but I dont think he’s ever had a woman like me who at least tries to be classy and modest. We can talk for hours and I feel such a strong connection, but I wonder if that’s enough or if it’s even real.

    Your help is always appreciated! I REGRET, TICA, THAT I’M UNABLE TO ADVISE ON YOUR MATTER. YOU MAKE IT SOUND FAVORABLE BUT THAT’S ONLY ONE SIDE. REFUSING TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE—EITHER FIRST TIME OR SUBSEQUENT—IS THE BEST SCREENING METHOD AVAILABLE TO YOU. (SEE THE SERIES TITLED ‘VIRTUAL VIRGINITY’ IN THE CONTENTS PAGE AT BLOG TOP.)

    • Some Other Guy

      FWIW, I have a very good male friend who may be like your man in question. My friend is a hopeless romantic, very kind, energetic, makes good money, is decent looking, 6′ 2″, is in good shape, he does household chores. So what could possibly be wrong here and why does he not have hordes of women beating down his door?

      He got divorced from wife #1 about 2 years ago, has been dating his GF for months and is now telling me that this girl is “the one”. THe problem with my friend is that he tends to make his wife or girlfriend the center of his world. He gives up some of the manly things in his life and starts internalizing the female causes. This may sound like it is awesome. But my friend ends up getting dumped by every woman he ever dates. My friend is a great friend. But he ends up acting kind of wimpy around women after a while. I think after a while it turns them off.

      Is this why your guy has been divorced?

      Sir Guy,
      Good description and I agree. It turns women off because they don’t respect men that are not masculine or act too much like women. Such men are boring in that women miss a masculine presence nearby. Also, where’s the challenge of pleasing a man who is so easily pleased? That too becomes boring.
      Guy

      • Tica

        Some Other Guy,

        My guy has been divorced three times, after a less than 1 year marriage in early 20s, 4 year marriage in early 30s, and a 2 year marriage at 40. Given his strong family marriage background and closeness to said family, I think being married has always been his ideal. Staying married is proving another thing in practice. I think he thrives on attention…I do and say and act a little more openly with him because I was always afraid I’d ‘bore’ other guys I have dated, but since he and I seem to be on the same wavelength I feel like I can share more things with him, and it’s like he can’t get enough of just being together. He seems very attentive and is the initiator. He is very touchy-feely, always wanting to hold hands or just be touching… a real black hole of togetherness/intimacy. That one is new for me. I wasn’t raised that way and haven’t dated that way- but deep down I think it’s so nice.

        I think in all his marriages he ended up getting ignored or de-prioritized in one way or another. Of course I am sympathetic to him and don’t know both sides of any of the stories, but it doesn’t help that wife #2 was a pretty strong nag, a few years older than him and bossy. They married when she was early 40s, and when she had a child he went straight to the back burner. Enter Wife 3 with a couple of uncontrollable teenage children who eventually took back all the attention. I know he senses my reservations, but instead of confronting I think he may be taking it as a challenge, always trying to prove that he and I have the same values. That thing women always say about men being aloof and clueless…yeah, not this guy. We are both indirect and a little passive also, but with his perceptiveness it’s like he can read my mind sometimes. I just dont want to be the young dumb girl who falls for something I couldn’t see beforehand and should have seen, but so far I just feel sorry that he seems to want marriage so much but has ended up divorced x3.

        And thanks again to Sir Guy for giving me some new insight!

    • Tica

      I will be studying on this, thank you!!

  5. Jessica Prepetit

    As always – THANK YOU!

    On Wed, Oct 16, 2013 at 8:48 AM, What Women Never Hear wrote:

    > ** > A.GuyMaligned posted: “Its woman-think. Why dont men love as women > do? Because of this, their nature differs. The following man-think arises > out of the natural combination of male hard-headedness and > hard-heartedness. Its the background of a mans proclamations of love and > a”

  6. Iwannahear

    Thanks Sir Guy, Ill make sure to read them

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