1913. Habits That Turn Men Off


I describe habits bad for females that arise out of this natural phenomenon. Women are born with self-love. Two consequences follow in their childhood and shape the rest of their lives. I describe the best and worst case scenarios.

1) In their hearts and minds, no gap exists between their sense of self-love and the love they receive from others. They get what they think they deserve, grow up satisfied with their lot in life and marriage, and cooperate pleasantly with family and others of value to them.

It’s the best and most enjoyable of outcomes for everyone associated with such a person, who also seems to naturally resonate with conviction that we are all created to do good in our lives.

Or 2), commencing in toddlerhood and continuing for life, they perceive that the love they receive doesn’t match their self-love, that a gap exists, and they take competitive action with negative results. The overall effect hardens their soft-heartedness and further hardens their hard-mindedness. Instead of earning more love from others to close the gap, they fight back. They go into compete mode with the very people from whom they expect more love. Many seek in a career to find the love that matches.

As they discover their efforts are unproductive, that their objectives are unachievable, they try harder with negative effect until it becomes too difficult and they turn to anger, bitterness, and even striking out at those they love. Deeper and more complex bad habits of thought and emotion grow and compound and accompany them for life.

They become less attractive by turning people off, especially men. A few or many bad habits bunched together in one woman impulsively pressure her in ways that almost automatically doom her for highly successful relationships.

A man finds the following bad habits objectionable for two reasons: 1) She often gets in his face competitively to make herself feel better, express her self-induced anxieties, or blame him. And 2), when she appeals for help, he’s unable to solve her problems. (A sense of helplessness to solve his mate’s problems makes a man want to escape.)

NOTE THIS: Each bad habit has a cause developed or rooted in childhood that can’t be blamed on her man except by overstretching the boundaries of logic, objectivity, and common sense. Bad habits include these: [66]

  1. Facetiousness prompted by fear of being wrong.
  2. Hatefulness prompted by dislike of herself.
  3. Selfishness never untaught to her in childhood.
  4. Busyness pursuing her personal goals rather than marital agenda.
  5. Fussiness inspired by desire for perfection.
  6. Bitchiness that flows from envy, jealousy, and similar emotions related to others.
  7. Fearfulness brought on by mistakes or failures that she thinks might be repeated endlessly.
  8. Quarrelsomeness that emerges from her desire to drive their bus.
  9. Untidiness, the nesting merits of which she was never taught in childhood.
  10. Loneliness imagined when he’s not alongside her.
  11. Lonesomeness caused by husband’s absence at work.
  12. Moodiness that flows from her inability to control events in her life to her satisfaction.
  13. Carelessness prompted by weak sense of responsibility.
  14. Sloppiness that reflects badly on husband to his friends and competitors.
  15. Phoniness energized by fear of her true character being found out.
  16. Political correctness brought on by sense of being victimized.
  17. Unfaithfulness that boils in oil her man’s sense of significance.

Any fault found in a woman can be attributed to the shortage of love she’s shown at the time or has been shown earlier in life. Self-love and the love of others dominate a woman’s life. When the love she’s shown doesn’t meet her expectations as developed by experience, she develops or falls back on bad habits and can become an incompetent—but not necessarily hopeless—mate.

When women don’t get their way, they too easily develop bad habits that harden their hearts against friendly cooperation and harden their minds to stand firmer in competition with men. Bad habits are not admired as virtues. Consequently, her man seldom commiserates and her pain doubles and redoubles until she pushes in all her chips and loses him.

A man’s life is governed by a similar process but it’s over the trait of self-respect rather than self-love. It’s coming next.

17 Comments

Filed under How she loses

17 responses to “1913. Habits That Turn Men Off

  1. Iwannahear

    Great post!

    • Leah

      Dear Guy,
      I’m relatively new to your blog, and I’m finding solace in your words. You are showing me a path I didn’t know existed. At 36, I’ve only been in relationships with men I feel sorry for. I’m so ashamed. I’m finding out it is because I don’t love myself. The first time I realized I didn’t like myself was at age 17, and it has been a hard and lonely road since then.

      I have missed out on the joys of life, partially because I’ve been too scared to face my self-hatred. I’m disappointed to have missed the message of how to love myself.

      I’ve suffered from depression for many years, and I’m finally learning how to force myself out of it by improving my grooming habits. My worry is that men who are looking for a healthy partner will run from my history of depression. When I look at what I have to offer, I see very little. The path you propose here has been eye-opening and is very helpful. But I’m so behind. It’s frustrating to realize I have so much catching up to do. I regret to only be realizing that being happier with myself was within my power all these years.

      With thanks and appreciation,
      L

      Your Highness Leah,

      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

      Stick to your new intentions. You have more than enough to overcome. If you haven’t found them, may I suggest you study and follow posts 1440 and 1752 and see that post 806 stirs you to a new habit.

      Guy

      • Dee Stressed

        Hello Leah! Guy is so right and you are off to a great start! I’m a bit older than you, but similar in that I have also struggled with depression/self-hatred issues most of my life. I, too–wish I had seen this blog earlier (uggh, the mistakes I’ve made), but it makes me appreciate more the knowledge and the ability I have now to move forward.

        As you continue to bloom, you will realize that your past experience has made you who you are–it has taught you a lot and has given you your character and also the ability to help others and have empathy for them.
        When you get through a rough spot in life and come out the other end better, I like to refer to it as “refining.” And of course when the light bulb comes on, you can see 20/20 now when you look back. Take that as a good thing…it means that you’ve learned and are growing!

        Keep spending the time to uplift yourself. One thing I found to be the most beneficial for depression (if you still struggle with it) is exercise. You go out thinking it will be miserable and come back feeling so much better! Also, eating healthy, non-processed food works miracles as well if you’re still feeling a bit blue.

        As for the type of men you’ve been attracting: Think about the type of guy you would like to have AHEAD of time. Write down traits that you could live with or not live with. And then, when you do come across one that interests you, take Guy’s advice to “qualify a man for husbanding.” It will give you time to asses the man–and even yourself as you slowly learn about each other without going too far too soon and giving yourself away–and having future regrets. It’s a great way to protect your “assets!”

        Your Highness Dee Stressed,
        Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear. Good advice too.
        Guy

        • Cinnamon

          This is all very good advice for Leah, Dee Stressed.

        • Leah

          Thank you, Dee Stressed. Great ideas! I improved my diet several months ago, and I’m in the habit of exercising regularly. And you’re right…I might not be where I want to be yet, but I can already see I’ve made progress. I’ve already been working on your suggestion to think about the kind of man I’m looking for ahead of time. It’s helping me make smarter evaluations and waste less energy on men who don’t qualify.

      • Cinnamon

        Leah,

        I wanted to comment on your worry that “men who are looking for a healthy partner will run from my history of depression.” I am older than you but have a similar history and also suffer from depression. With help and inspiration from this blog, I have learned the importance of focusing on grooming regardless of mood (sort of “fake it till you make it”). Sir Guy is so correct that fastidious grooming really will set you apart from today’s average woman and give you an edge. This will in turn help you to feel more confident in yourself.

        With respect to the depression, for a long time I didn’t date because of the same fear you have. I have found however that it is not automatic grounds for rejection from quality men. I am dating a man now and he has been very accepting of it. Going with what I learned from Sir Guy about self-disclosure, I was very cautious and spent a good deal of time getting to know him before I told him.

        This man is very warm and caring with a sanguine temperament (in contrast to my own melancholy one), but a sister he is very close to has suffered from serious depression. He disclosed this to me about her early in the relationship, but it still took me a long time to evaluate his character and trust him enough to tell him that I shared the same problem as his sister.

        If you work on your own appearance and character strengths, and look for a man with a very strong moral character (as Sir Guy recommends throughout this blog) you may be surprised to find out that the depression is not a deal-breaker for such a man.

  2. Lyndeeloo

    Sir Guy,

    “…they perceive that the love they receive doesn’t match their self-love, that a gap exists…”

    “When the love she’s shown doesn’t meet her expectations as developed by experience…”

    I’m curious about the gap you describe. I feel it could work two different ways:

    1) Self-love > love from others = large ego. Therefore a person thinks, “I DESERVE more love than I’m getting.”

    2) Self-love < love from others = insecurities. Therefore a person thinks, "I DON'T deserve as much love as I'm getting."

    Do you agree? And do you think woman 1 and woman 2 are equally capable of developing bad habits? Or is one thought pattern more destructive than the other? I'm interested in your opinion.

    Your Highness Lyndeeloo,

    Great questions clearly presented. It’s a pleasure to respond.

    We don’t agree but that’s a good point from which to clarify. I talk about the female nature before a woman gains experience living. You presuppose an adult woman. I describe the seed and you the fruit. Consequently, we differ.

    For woman 1 you expect a large ego as the result. However, she likes and appreciates herself, her sense of importance is high, and her attitude registers as little or no ego. People comfortable with themselves have no need for a big one. She doesn’t question herself about the love that others show. She likes and appreciates herself to the point of comfort. No need exists to prove that she’s right. (Life teaches long after birth, however, that it’s a huge issue when trying to open, continue, or resolve confused relationships.)

    For woman 2 you suggest insecurities but ignore guilt, which is perhaps a more compelling motivational force than even love among women lacking in self-love. Insecurities, yes, and her attitude of large ego both hides and compensates somewhat for them. She learned in life that an exaggerated or distorted reflection of her self-opinion makes her more comfortable with herself. When she lets people see her real thoughts and misery, she wallows in self-pity. To avoid that, she develops bad habits.

    No, they are not equally capable. Woman 2 is far more susceptible to developing bad habits.

    Woman 1 as I describe her seeks to avoid them. She’s born to do good and her self-love enables it. Her actions program her heart in ways that she becomes good, and it confirms the need to avoid the bad habits. The bad habits are inconsistent with her role to do good in life, so she tends to avoid them.

    Woman 2 is also born to do good, but she didn’t choose those around her early in life. They shape the hardwiring of her infant brain. They establish her self-esteem*. Deep nurturing love generates strong and affirming thoughts that congeal into high self-esteem. Little attention and touching weaken the developing self-esteem, and it produces the child whose interest in self overpowers her ability to think of others first in everyday living.

    Commencing in toddlerhood, woman 2 tries and tries to earn greater love from others until her frustrations push her into bad habits. For her, the bad habits become almost default conditions. Doing good seems unproductive and so she loses interest in being good.

    Consequently, excessive self-centeredness dominates her interests and weakens the natural urge to do good for the sake of doing good. In the end, the weaker her self-love, the greater her self-centeredness, and the more likely she develops the bad habits.

    It begs the question. How does woman 2 escape her misery? a) By actions that produce more good in the eyes of those around her. Others learn to appreciate and show her more affection which slowly narrows or closes the gap between her self-love and the love of others. b) By training herself to abandon whatever bad habits she previously adopted. Her actions to do better program her heart to do more good, which in return convinces her that she’s more important to herself and others, which reinforces their appreciation of her, and which upgrades her self-love.

    It’s admittedly complex but as women go so goes society. Men have the same type of problem with self-respect, but women have far more influence over it than men have over that described above. Upcoming post 1914 describes it for men.

    Guy
    ——
    *Self-esteem differs from self-love. Self-esteem develops in the first three years of life before the child’s conscious mind opens, before she becomes conscious that she’s also a person. Her mind is hardwired with convictions of how well she likes and appreciates herself as a person.

    Self-love comes alive after her conscious mind opens in the third year and her self-image begins to form. Both as child and adult she measures her self-esteem against how others like and appreciate her. The comparison identifies self-love and leaves her with conclusions about her relative worth in the eyes of others.

    • Lyndeeloo

      Sir Guy,

      Your thoughtful and detailed reply is greatly appreciated. There is much here for me to think over.

    • Catherine

      “Men have the same type of problem with self-respect, but women have far more influence over it than men have over that described above.” – Sir Guy from the response above to Lyndeeloo

      Sir Guy, would you please help a curious lady understand why this is? Why isn’t it as easy for men to close women’s gap as it is for women to close the masculine gap?

      Your Highness Catherine,

      Men don’t depend on outsiders for major inputs to their self-respect. It’s mostly self-imposed, -earned, -determined. So, recovery comes most from inside the man.

      Women depend on feedback from others to fertilize their sense of importance and, hence, self-respect. Both sustaining and recovery oftentimes comes more from outside rather than inside the woman.

      Guy

  3. Wow, dead on again. It’s almost like this is a horoscope and fits for every woman. Not taking things literally, but rather taking the time to actually look in the mirror at ourselves. And I’m not one bit offended! There’s no reason or EXCUSE to take this in the opposite direction. But Because all of the points made, I usually find myself defensive off bat. Being sat down to speak about my life and my journey. It’s a strange thing we women have, but I certainly appreciate this blog and posts. I feel like I truly am making a connection with you when I read the posts. I appreciate it all. @Leah, if you ever wanna chat, let me know! I feel like we could really hash some of our ’emotions and feelings’ out about that particular issue.

  4. Cynthia Ponce

    Thank you so much for this information and perspective.

    Invaluable and appreciated!

    Cynthia

  5. Many of the habits described that turn men off have been part of my standard response to men . . . partly due to early life experiences, partly due to the frustration of trying to find Prince Charming using a feminist agenda, and partly due to stress-related health issues (some of them thanks to a job that I’ve struggled to keep for several years). Being so tired you can’t see straight all the time makes relationships of any kind problematic.

    I believe in divine intervention! The circumstance of meeting the man I am getting to know is something I never expected would happen. The circumstance of finding this blog just a few days after praying, “Lord, I don’t know what to DO [about how to respond to certain male behavior]!” is something amazing since I see so much of my own dumbness in the various posts.

    I just need to clarify . . . it seems that this blog’s antidote to most unhelpful female assumptions and bad habits is basically . . . wait. Right?

    Wait until “the man” makes a move, and then respond affirmingly. Unless he’s trying to get information he does not need; if that’s the case, then deflect.

    Don’t talk about feelings, don’t treat “the man” like a best girl friend by pouring out every freaking thought you’ve ever had about everything.

    Don’t try to manipulate something into being and create what might be; respond with respect and affirmation to what is.

    And wait.

    By God’s grace and good advice, I have been able to wait, or as several friends have counseled, be patient. Waiting is actually great for me because it is giving me incentive to exercise and eat right and lose weight in order to beautify myself and really be the queen that the king deserves. (And really, though the man I am getting to know certainly has quirks, flaws, whatever, he really is quite, quite kingly.)

    And in the process of waiting, I have gone from hello in passing to hi, how are you on a regular basis to a formal old-school date to being sought out after church on Sundays . . . it’s all wonderful. And it’s all so slow.

    I’ve known this amazing guy for just over a year. Our paths started growing closer abour four months ago. I have assumed that things are so slow because he has been married twice, and has been basically kicked in the head by ex-wives twice, and so he is reluctant to have that happen again.

    But i have read here that when the poop hits the fan, guys (contrary to women) basically get up, brush the dust off, and go on. I am sure I have been incorrect in assuming that his relationship history has affected him as deeply as that kind of thing would affect me.

    I recently growled at a friend, a woman friend, who along with her husband has been very supportive: “How LONG does it take?” She smiled and said, “As long as it takes.”

    I thank God that waiting and suppressing many old bad habits has resulted in some wonderful, unexpected moments in my life, but . . .

    Puh-leeeeeze tell me that I won’t have to wait until I am ninety for the man I am getting to know to decide it’s worthwhile to hold my hand.

    Your Highness Entwyf,

    You’ve got it. It’s pleasure to read. Keep at it.

    If he shows signs of romantic interest, and you are certain, there’s nothing wrong with slipping your hand in his while strolling. It’s a hint that he can initiate more if he desires, but make sure first that he is romantically interested.

    Guy

  6. Romance? I am totally confident that there is . . . none. We’re so far from romance it’s often like we’re standing on opposite continents waving.

    Some wonderful things have happened in the past four months. Some definite changes, and with each change, I have found more to admire in the man I am getting to know. But romance? Not on your life.

    And the only way I would be certain that there was romantic interest would be if *he* grabbed *my* hand during a stroll. But of course there would have to be a stroll first.

    I’m so glad that I have things to occupy my time while I *wait.* I used to dread going to work each day, since I have an often stressful job. But now it’s actually a blessing to come home and want to go right to bed and not think about anything.

    Oddly, I think stress nine to five is saving me from a lot of unnecessary
    heart-ache.

  7. Sharon

    Thank you, Sir Guy. This excellent post is especially one to re-read, ponder, and digest slowly. As I consider various women I have known, the light bulbs are going off. Some excellent reader comments here, too.

  8. cocoa

    Sir Guy, I have a question and wasn’t sure where to pose it. I thought here might fit ok.

    I’ve always read in your blog from you and other experienced ladies that we shouldn’t be giving too much and that when I wonan gives too much she runs the risk of lowering her self respect. I am married as you know, me and my husband are known for our generosity, he shares with his friends and colleagues a lot of stuff . I am pretty much the same, it is deep in our culture, for example, if we are eating something and a person passes or ask what are we eating we automatically offer to share.

    If I bake something at home or if I have a bag of lollies I like to share, I actually feel happy to finish what I have by sharing with others. Women around me tell me no no this is yours, or ask how much I want in return. WHAT?!!! Men are happy to share, one of them asked me once, you feel better now that you finished the bag?! Do you think I lose a bit of respect by doing that? or do people see me as being silly byungiving too much? do I have to match how people around me deal with each other? I am not sure if I am generous or did people, especially women, lost the virtue of generosity?

    For single women who are naturally generous, and I know a lot like that at church, how should they wisely deal with single men who they are interested in or dating?

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    You say, “Women around me tell me no no this is yours, or ask how much I want in return.” And yet, your culture favors the opposite. I suggest that the radicalism of Feminism floods the hearts of women that say that. I strongly suggest that their feminist thoughts are contrary to your interest.

    You ask, “For single women who are naturally generous, and I know a lot like that at church, how should they wisely deal with single men who they are interested in or dating?” The non-feminist way, the cultural standard, the same answer that dwells in your heart.

    Guy

    • cocoa

      Many thanks sir Guy, I thought I am more happier giving and sharing, therefore I must be doing the right thing. Even if others think otherwise or I see it in their eyes.

      The more I give the more my heart grows the more I am grateful then I am happy and when I am happy I give. Is it a loop?

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      Yes, it’s an ever expanding, self-enhancing loop for women. It’s not so pronounced for men and usually doesn’t enter their consciousness until late in life (after testosterone fade?).
      Guy

      • cocoa

        Watching old movies you see neighbours sharing food, visiting, taking care of each others children and women helping each other. You watch movies today you can’t ignore the amount of aggression and selfishnessl. What on earth happened to us!

        Your Highness Cocoa,
        Radical feminists joined leftist revolutionaries after WW II. Feminists declared war on men, revolutionaries declared war on our culture. They pitted men against women. The result is that men dominate the culture previously dominated by women when the movies of yesteryear were so female-friendly.
        Guy

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