1916. Compatibility Axioms #111-120

111.By their nature, women favor equality as primary for decision making. Men favor fairness. Resolve it early or arguments compound and bitterness can’t be far behind.

112. Any promise of his castle dies, when she takes charge after marriage and keeps squeezing him to fit better into her ideals of their home and model of life within it. [54]

113. Submissiveness is a cooperative spirit. Regardless of its name and who possesses it when and where, such a spirit is essential for marriage to work. [56]

114. Phonies lose in the end. During courtship she hides her true character in order to get a man to marry her. Afterward, she reverts to her true self and to him becomes a different woman—one he did not intend to marry. [54]

115. It quickens his departure, when she rejects him as family hero and elevates the kids over him. [54]

116. It subverts a marriage, when she treats his opinions as less important and judgments as less valuable than those of someone else. [54]

117. Each marriage faces three monumental events: the 2-year glitch, 7-year itch, and 20-year switch. Prevention starts years earlier. Avoidance is difficult. Recovery makes the steep slope slicker, but it all toughens mates. [65]

118. Nothing is foolproof, but the virtual virginity strategy works best to remarry an ex. If he’s going to be any different than in their first marriage, he needs to respect her more.  [70]

119. Feminism makes women think more like men, especially ‘me before you’ and ‘me before us’. Such women lose much of their natural expertise for holding a man.[71]

120. A man expects to succeed as himself in all of his relationship roles. He focuses primarily on provider-protector and needs a lot of feminine coaching to fully accept the friend, faithful mate, husband, father, affection-giver, and devoted-lover roles that his woman expects. [72]


Filed under Dear daughter

4 responses to “1916. Compatibility Axioms #111-120

  1. I like this list. The last point struck me: “120. A man expects to succeed as himself in all of his relationship roles. He focuses primarily on provider-protector and needs a lot of feminine coaching to fully accept the friend, faithful mate, husband, father, affection-giver, and devoted-lover roles that his woman expects. [72]”

    I’m finding that more and more, younger men seem to focus on being the good friend and involved father, and perhaps even affectionate husband, rather than provider-protector. The “new normal” emphasizes equality in roles, and I’m not sure whether these new kinds of relationships show that men and women have found a new equilibrium that will ultimately work just as well, or whether there are hidden negative consequences waiting down the line.

    Your Highness Denise,
    What a beautiful invitation for me to unload. I need an overnight so it comes tomorrow.

  2. Joan

    I only have a BA but for some reason I have always been more successful financially and in my career than he. It has been really difficult to take – because it is not anything I ever wanted – but because I kept working hard and networking and because he kept being unsuccessful career-wise, I ended up having to full time in a career that was very demanding and well paying (up until 8 years ago when I lost an excellent paying job through a change in management). I had wanted to stay home with the kids and work part time but he ended up doing so – and he did not like business but wanted to work in something political, but could never catch anyone’s eye besides working in the drudgery of campaigns. He stayed home with the kids and was sarcastic when people asked him about it- and unhappy. He kept applying for jobs in the areas in which he was qualified (without experience but qualified to do the work) and never got interviews. He has a higher degree than I and is extremely smart. We have three kids and the youngest is in college, and he is still only a temp employee. I have a job now that pays half of what I did before. I am very tired yet now because of the money we have no vacations anymore and debt has piled up. He works when he can get work – about 3/4 of the year – but has no interest or ideas when it comes to working for himself. Doesn’t care for business or sales – he is a bookish person and loves to write and writes well – but there is no money in that anymore. I have been looking for another job since I got this one but we are both in our late 50s and since we don’t want to move from this city again (and would not make enough on the house to buy another one outright as we have a large mortgage), I feel I need to just work like crazy and take a job I don’t want because I need to support our family. I am so tired and want a break – I’ve worked since I was 15, worked through college that I had to pay for myself, and had two weeks off after college (job hunting) and have worked ever since. the only times I haven’t worked is during three maternity leaves and twice when I lost a job- once for two months and once for six months, during which I looked for work daily and did consulting. I haven’t had a chance to really decorate our house or figure out what I like (too busy keeping looking for those opportunities for work). I get no time to breathe. My hobbies are singing in choirs – but I wish I had time for art and sewing and cooking and baking – which I don’t have much time for. The house is very difficult to deal with – we can’t afford to pay anyone to clean it – but most of the time we are working. However he doesn’t see the dirt I do and doesn’t consider a lot of clutter a big deal. Then he ended up having an emotional affair a couple of years ago- with a girl 40 years younger – made him feel better about himself, lots of flattery both ways, etc. I found out and ended it before it became worse but it is clear he has been frustrated over the last 30 plus years of job hunting. We are both tired of job hunting but it is really our first hobby (for 8 years). I can’t make more money where I am – they just don’t pay anyone anyi more money – and I really don’t want these other new jobs. I am exhausted and want a chance to think about something besides finding new employment. I would love a vacation but we have ended up over $40,000 in debt, primarily due to siding that had to be replaced on the house. The mortgage is very large – but if we sold we would not make enough to buy a house in the area and I just don’t know what to do. I could use our retirement funds to pay off some debts, but since on a monthly basis our cash flow is negative, without a lot of excess spending on anything, I don’t know what to do. He needs to step up to the plate and do things he doesn’t want to do. But he says he has tried to get a job but nobody will even talk to a 60 year old guy who has not been on a career path, even if he does have a law degree. He doesn’t go to bar events (never did – did not volunteer – and now all the people his age who go to these things are half his age). He volunteers at church – but there is no money there and the people there are mostly retired or not in anything close to his field of interest. I don’t believe all men want to be providers – some just want to be taken care of and do what they want. He can be charming and sweet and has been – but he is not a leader. He doesn’t keep track of things, doesn’t want to plan our finances, doesn’t want to think about our retirement years because he stil lhasn’t has a ‘career’ – and we are getting counseling because of the emotional affair. I can’t ever tell him how I feel because he is already disappointed in himself – but he is angry because he said he didn’t know how other people got jobs and he didn’t. He applied too – but without experience and being an older person – he hasn’t had more than two interviews over 8 years. I konw that he should have done a lot different 25 and 30 years ago, but he never wanted to network and I found that any advice I had was not met in a welcoming way. He was too ashamed over the years to ask friends for advice, hasn’t ever talked about this employment issue with any of his friends over the years, and only recently got a counselor. I have wanted to leave him just to let him succeed or fail on his own – to see if he can stand on his own – because I am tired of supporting everyone. I want to do something I want to do. I wanted to go to law school years ago but could not – I had to work for the family because he couldn’t find a decent job. So I gave up my dreams to keep working and working. It is the story of my life. There is no lesson here except that guys do NOT want to be providers – they want accolades and to feel good about themselves through outside sources, and when that doesn’t happen if the woman makes it too easy by taking care of everything (that is what I did), then they may never ever get the fire in their belly to do anything. And they will become offended if I dare to complain – that I should just suck it up and work because everyone else does.

    • Tica

      I have seen this kind of situation play out several times. I think of two women I know who were breadwinning and paid for their husbands to go to school (tech school and community college respectively) to get a better job, or a job. Both husbands either dropped out or flunked. Both wives had high-paying successful careers. It was like the more the wife helped financially the worse her situation became.

  3. Joan

    You are so right. My husband has many “should haves” and one of them is “should have networked many years ago”. But he had no idea how, never was comfortable promoting or selling himself and did not make close friends – kept all at arms’ length. Very very private – and as I found out – he was secretive about everything. but then his family was like that – they would never talk about anything of importance that was emotionally difficult – the death of their father for example. Really weird. His mom was an angry widow and wanted her kids to succeed and since he was her baby she only would tell the other ones how disappointed she was in them – but he knew she was – and never felt good enough. So he had no career and he kept bragging about mine! But I didn’t even want it – if I was going to work I was going to make the most of it – but I was successful despite it all. In the meantime he still is only a little bit involved with the kids (one has mild disability and one is having financial problems with a low paying job – and that seems to be a problem for a lot of young people). He seemed much more interested in this young woman two years ago (and even was obsessed with her through most of last year ) because she was successful – and he admired that – and he was interested in it. But he barely knows what our daughter is involved with and she is only a couple of years younger. He is not the person they turn to when they have a problem – I am. He knows it – but since he doesn’t ever really ask them what they think of things or how they are doing what can he expect? He never asked me what I really wanted to do – what I dreamed of doing. It was as if he did not want to hear the answer because he would feel badly he had a crappy career. So he just didn’t want to hear it and didn’t want me to tell him because he said I just wanted him to look bad. That is always the case- if I complained it was only to make him feel badly – but it was really because I just felt I didn’t have a way out of it – I was sentenced to work till I drop someday. There is a strong possibility I will just fix the house up and put it on the market, sell the thing and he will be bewildered. I will move to a cheap place and he can come if he wants. Then I can afford to decide what I want to do. I can’t count on him to support us financially. What else can I do I will be too old by the time I wait for that to happen.

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