Her Highness Magnolia inspired this post. At 1482 she described an Army man prior to deployment who did not marry the woman he loved; he could not trust her. Instead, he married one he did not love but felt he could trust. I describe some reasons behind such manly thinking.
When away from home, suspicion or knowledge of his woman cheating disturbs everything else in a man’s life. Misery follows even discomfort with loss of confidence in her physical fidelity.
A man depends greatly on his woman’s faithfulness to help maintain his sense of significance. His suspicions threaten and one cheating incident destroys his sense of significance with her. If he is not worthy of her fidelity, she is not worthy of his presence. When she cheats he wants to walk.
One instance of unfaithfulness instantly transforms his significance into insignificance. Loss of face—and having fooled himself for trusting her—prevent her recovering his commitment or devotion. He can never trust her again. A man won’t live with a woman who—in the worst possible way—destroys his sense of significance with her.
Hardwired before birth, the foundation of male significance primarily confirms his role in life. It is built and confirmed regularly with thrusting sexually, energetically, and deeply into a woman to prove himself to himself. Use of his hardness and determination-to-satisfy himself rule the event. Nothing else in a couple’s relationship compares much less matches that primal urge. The quality of orgasm proportionally confirms both his magnificent significance and her worth as partner. Yes, even though she may have had little more to do than serve as a receptacle. The determination and energy expressed in thrusting serve as foundation to his whole sense of significance. Undermine or destroy his confidence or faith in himself and he has to couple with another woman to rebuild his sexual significance first and the rest to follow.
Beyond the hard wiring from birth, all else is learned behavior, e.g., other than minimal foreplay, trying to please his partner, pledging exclusive loyalty. In the eyes of what women expect, men are born sexually uneducated. They hunt and conquer, pursue diligently and thrust energetically, display their sexual worth in a woman’s life and thereby prove their significance. That women expect men to be different does not alter the natural and hormonal drive to prove himself to himself first. Men must be taught what women expect. The greater he perceives his significance with a woman, the more willing and able he is to try harder to fulfill her needs both in and out of bed.
Once a man’s determination rises up to ‘do his duty’ in bed, his sex partner’s reactions add to or detract little from his primary effort. Internally proving himself to himself first is the preeminent truth of his significance as a man.
If his sex partner just enjoys or even has orgasm too, his significance is further heightened. However, anything and everything negative about his ‘expertise’ sends loud messages about his insignificance, which of course is his greatest fear especially coming from his mate to whom he has devoted himself.
Now, let us return to the soldier who married out of trust rather than love. Deployment may not be good but it will not be misery either. He may worry about many things of concern to his wife. But, he spends no time imagining other men—his natural competitors—using his wife to confirm their significance at his expense, using his wife to thrust, twist, turn, and otherwise interrupt the imagined scene of his wife’s nakedness as he remembers her. By trusting her, he spends no time speculating if he will be betrayed. Consequently, she is worth what he paid for her—his independence.