1977. Virtues Determine Her Fascination

What follows isn’t really as complex as I make it. It’s much simpler and more natural, because it primarily happens subconsciously and gradually over time. But every bit of a woman’s fascination builds like this.

An intuitive process springs instinctively from the female heart. Women crave to be fascinating. Deceiving themselves, some try to achieve it directly. But Nature doesn’t work that way. They have to depend on men. The fascinating woman emerges indirectly as the result of interactions with and feedback from men. It’s not about chasing fascination itself but by exhibiting uniquely feminine qualities that men appreciate and long to be associated with.

Women wish the background of their personality held endless fascination. But each faces an inevitable fact of life. Much like the primal female urge to feel important to someone else, her fascination requires feedback to confirm it. So, utilizing the different natures of men and women, she appeals to all men in order for a few to find her fascinating and even fewer still to capture her interest as her potential mate. (For example, constant charm or positive attitude outperform the same things turned off and on for specific people or occasions. Constancy creates stability of personality and makes her more predictable, which men admire because they don’t like surprises.)

Consequently, to advance her life agenda, she has to fascinate men and then screen out the ‘trash’. Men benefit from the free fascination. The mere presence of a fascinating woman is therapy for a man in need. She benefits from fascinating enough men until Mr. Good Enough finds her enchanting and precious.

Each man determines whether or not each woman is fascinating. Each quality he admires becomes a virtue. The more virtues he identifies consciously and subconsciously, the more fascinating she appears. It’s the leading part of the process by which a man perceives the promise in a woman that makes him resolve to marry her. Thus, fascination is the major ingredient of her promise as potential mate. (Modern men may marry less-than-fascinating women, but such arrangements turn temporary before too long. Men can too easily admire the feminine qualities in other women.)

The process works like this. He perceives personal qualities, admires those individual attributes, and subconsciously converts each into virtue. Admires each for the attraction it holds for him. He capitalizes on virtues, such as great cook, highly attractive, or ardent encourager. The accumulation of virtues morphs into promise of how she can improve his present and future life. After all, if she isn’t fascinating to him, he’ll not be very interested in marrying her.

However, this quirk exists in male nature to the eternal confusion of women. Her ability to provide sex is a virtue before conquest but not afterward. Even great sex doesn’t remain a virtue. Her unconquered uniqueness fades away after conquest. It’s part of the change that men undergo afterward.

Fascination comes before promise. The more admirable her qualities to men and not her girlfriends, then the more virtuous and the more fascinating she is. Her promise as potential mate grows out of that.



Filed under Dear daughter

25 responses to “1977. Virtues Determine Her Fascination

  1. Avid Follower in NYC

    Guy, would you elaborate a little with regard to “the more admirable her qualities to men and not her girlfriends”. Do you mean friends who are more feminist than femine?

    Also, you say women become fascinating from interactions with men. What if you did not grow up or have much interaction or positive feedback or confirmation from men? Thank you.

    Your Highness Avid Follower in NYC,

    1st para: Men don’t admire what women say they do or want them to do. Girlfriends don’t truly know the male nature; they base opinions on their experience.

    2nd para: You aren’t disqualified. You have to learn it as an adult. Associate more with more men. Your intuition, instinct, and judgment of feedback will steer you well.


  2. Shanna

    Good stuff Mr. Guy….thank you!!!

  3. My Husband's Wife

    Another stellar article, Sir Guy!

    This sentence has got me thinking: ” Much like the primal female urge to feel important to someone else, her fascination requires feedback to confirm it.”

    It’s the “required feedback” that I’m curious about as a friend of mine is a woman who is in her 50s and seems to be having a crisis and has been down. She works part time, but laments that she doesn’t get any positive feedback from the bosses at work for the good job she does (and she does to good work 🙂 ). Yet she doesn’t want to retire (which hubby encourages her to do and to take up hobbies) because she wants to feel that she is useful and has value which she believes comes from having the employment. Her kids are out of the nest and she says she’d feel lost without work–yet doesn’t really want to work.

    It’s almost as if she’s going through an “importance” crisis as she is hoping to hear words from her boss that she is not hearing. How does a woman recover IF she is not getting the feedback that she thinks she deserves?
    OR if she’s not getting feedback for being “fascinating?” Without positive feedback for these two items, I think women easily can fall into depression.

    This is one example, but I’ve seen this happen many times, especially with the women who are in their 50s and are experiencing the empty nest stage.

    • Sharon

      Oh, I’d encourage that friend to go ahead and quit the job. She is likely to find a wonderful, new avenue for meeting that human need to feel useful. E.g. there are many and varied volunteer work opportunities at women’s center’s or non-profit organizations like The Salvation Army, perhaps using the work skills she has already honed. What about mentoring a H.S. girl or other younger woman? Is she a part of a church? Many churches offer women’s Bible studies and also afford various opportunities for workers, such as childcare, teaching women or children, or helping with various community outreach endeavors. What about her taking a class at a college, community college, or community center? That would help stir her imagination for new endeavors. Even as she gives time to further developing herself (including “pretty time”), she will find the “approval” that comes from self-confidence and self-nurturing, as well as the increased impetus to “forget” herself and reach out to others. She might even want to open her home for a regular women’s gathering; how about a book discussion group, which is very conducive to once-a-month meetings.

      • My Husband's Wife

        Those are terrific ideas, Sharon! Thank you for your response. I can see her doing any of those items you listed as she is a woman with many virtues to offer. I agree that if she starts trying out some things, she’ll end up finding something that works. She seems a bit scared to make the change. Most likely fear of the unknown. But you know what Sir Guy says, “Action cures fear.”

    • I agree that this woman is suffering an “importance crisis” and that is why she continues to work. However, she’s bought into the lie that her value is based on work that rewards her financially. Young women fall into this too and their families suffer for it. Learning to value those hidden qualities in ourselves (womanly qualities) is a process and, often, the men in our lives don’t know how to affirm them but they are so essential to others. I always get a little sad when I see an older woman who feels the need to have a job in order to build her own self-esteem. It is true, she is so needed in the lives of others…either through her church or various organizations. Also, I bet her husband needs her and wants her home but doesn’t know how to tell her.


      • My Husband's Wife

        Jill, you are so right on here! Interesting that you mention women believing that their worth is related to financial rewards because she actually mentioned this is one of the reason she works…to “contribute.” And another accurate assessment when you stated that her husband doesn’t see his wife in this way (just a financial contributor) as he encourages her to quite and find something fun to do. He knows she’s more than her job and income.
        It’s funny, my husband’s perspective of the situation is that the husband isn’t encouraging her enough at home–but then again, he’s not a woman. I see it from the womanly perspective as something she needs to work on within herself to get over the hurdle. This thinking could definitely be the result of the feminist messages received about what makes us women valuable. I had the same struggle up until a year or so ago about determining my worth via job and income. Life is now good having dropped that false assumption, well, LIE of our modern culture. It’s hard to see someone who is still on the other side of the fence, so I will continue to encourage 🙂 Thank you for your insight!

    • I could be wrong, but isn’t the point here to be fascinating to her one man? Her husband wants her to quit. Isn’t he the one she wants to fascinate? He suggests she take up hobbies. Isn’t he trying to interest her to come home and be of interest to him? Why is she wasting her time trying to be pleasing to bosses who don’t really care about her life as her husband does? She may find out by reacting to his feedback with femininity she is fulfilling hew own need for recognition.

      Your Highness Sharonwithmaryandmartha,
      Your last two sentences are especially appropriate and accurate.

      • My Husband's Wife

        Hello Sharonwithmaryandmartha,

        I’m smiling right now reading your response because you made a really good observation (and really good points) to the situation. The phrase, “Isn’t he the one she wants to fascinate?” True. Not the boss!
        Honestly, I don’t see her having much interest in her husband–he’s just “there” from what I’ve observed. I’ve often wondered if that was the root of the entire issue in general–avoiding being with him more of the time. But, as you so accurately pointed out, renewing an interest in her husband (who DOES seem to appreciate her and wants her to be happy) would take care of the need for importance and would be self-fulfilling. It seems really hard for some women to make that connection. Our society tells us something completely different: family life is just not that important or valuable. Thank you for your thought-provoking response.

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
      Sharon, Nt12many, and Sharonwithmaryandmartha offer better advice than I can. I concur with you, she has an “importance” issue to resolve. As you point out later, action cures fear and I add this: Greater control of one’s life cures depression.

      • Sir Guy, I’ve been thinking of My Husband’s Wife’s original comment, and can see myself in it. I see where I’m wrong, and have really known it all along, in being on the internet too much, commenting on facebook friends’ and blogging friends’ messages because I do get some recognition and conversation needs filled. Could it be that if I were actually doing what Husband would prefer I spend my time on (house cleaning, sewing, taking care of my health and beauty) that those conversation and recognition needs would be filled possibly in ways beyond what I ever imagined? Husband, like most husbands, I’m sure is not free with compliments and conversation. Perhaps, as you said, “greater control of one’s life cures depression” is the foundation with recognition and conversation built on this.
        I’m so glad I’ve learned about your blog, Sir Guy. You help me see myself and admit to myself what I really need to be doing. This isn’t the first article with which you’ve opened my eyes.

        Your Highness Sharonwithmaryandmatha,

        You ask, “Could it be that if I were actually doing what Husband would prefer I spend my time on (house cleaning, sewing, taking care of my health and beauty) that those conversation and recognition needs would be filled possibly in ways beyond what I ever imagined?” Yes, possibly, so I’ll give you a general plan.

        Your expectations are too low with house cleaning and sewing. He must be reasonably satisfied with house cleaning, if he’s quiet about it. Not much room to encourage dialogue out of him. Improve it to your satisfaction but don’t expect it to help much. Sewing? If you can save enough money that it encourages dialogue, then use it. Stay tuned to this thought. Your purpose is to encourage compliments and conversation by doing what also pleases you for having done it. IOW, if it ain’t fun or important, find something else to do.

        Now, health and beauty are great starting points. But let’s first separate them.

        Health improvement has this great flaw. As soon as you get good at it, you start nagging him to do the same. You can’t resist. It may engender conversation, but that may not be to his liking, which means it shortly will not be to yours. You should work on health but make it personal only until many months later. Then, reevaluate how he will react when you push on him. Beauty is the way to go first followed by virtues.

        Beauty has great possibilities with certain conditions. Think how you looked when he married you. Return to that as much as possible without causing too much grief for yourself.

        • Face lift takes away the face he married. Boob enhancement takes away his wedding night memory. Don’t try to improve on his memory, conscious or subconscious. Think of restoring it. For example, if overweight, post a courtship swimsuit picture on the refrigerator. When he inquires, tell him you’re returning to that picture and ask for his patience and consideration (not help) while you restore yourself. Forget the age difference; you don’t have to recover any of that.

        • Any and all improvements in personal neatness will help.

        • Quiet and dignified dieting may be appropriate; don’t impose the agonies of it on him.

        • Neater hairdos may help. Long stringy hair in middle age adds ten years to your apparent age. Even shoulder length adds about five years.

        • More ladylike in dress and behavior will help raise questions and foster dialogue.

        The essence of beauty improvements is to restore your appearance close to that he admired in courtship, which is when but hopefully not the last time he admired it.

        Your virtues—those qualities about you that he admires—are another good place to start.

        • If he likes your cooking, do it better as in more pleasing to him. Men don’t like surprises, except for their favorites.

        • If he thinks you’re very smart, play a little dumber on matters that he considers in his domain, or he’s the ‘expert’ of the family.

        • If he thinks you’re too excitable, calm down. Too calm? Excite up!

        • If he thinks your impatient, slow down. Too patient? Speed up!

        Go over yourself vis-à-vis his opinions of you. Whatever you think he likes, make it better. What he dislikes, get rid of it.

        Finally, and I think it the most important. Study, develop the habit, and learn to live within the everyday startup described in all the articles cited in #1440. Do that, and I promise amazement in how well your days will become. Out of more amazing days, you will figure out yourself how to inspire more compliments, conversation, or at least more recognition of your importance.


      • My Husband's Wife

        Dear Sir Guy,
        These ladies sure have helped me out as you have stated. I thoroughly enjoy this blog where I learn not only from you, but from such wise women. I think it’s important who one associates with—and I believe I’m in good company on this site! It’s made a major positive impact on my life and I’m STILL learning. I’d love for many more women to find joy their God-given roles in life.

  4. Sir Guy, would you please explain this paragraph?

    “However, this quirk exists in male nature to the eternal confusion of women. Her ability to provide sex is a virtue before conquest but not afterward. Even great sex doesn’t remain a virtue. Her unconquered uniqueness fades away after conquest. ”

    Thank you for a great post!

    Your Highness Femmy,

    I’m unsure what isn’t clear, so let me go here. He conquers and her sexual assets are no longer admired. Appreciated, yes. Loved, perhaps. Admired, no. Her potential to be conquered is no longer unique. His ability to earn self-admiration in bed has been limited to performance, which may or may not go well.

    The thought of conquering her earns his admiration to the degree that he’s first or at least has beat out many other guys. Not so much who or what she is or has, his belief makes him admire her as potential sex partner or not.

    Men appreciate her post-conquest availability, but they don’t admire it, which means it’s not a virtue. Other women have the same appeal. Paraphrasing grannies’ admonitions, used merchandise does not a virtue make.


  5. easybreezy

    This is very true….but oo many women let a man determine her value (men do determine he value of a particular woman to THEM), however I remind all me female friends to just be true to themselves, be virtuous, and remember that only GOD determines their value and that is most important.

  6. cocoa

    Sir Guy, you say “Men can too easily admire the feminine qualities in other women” are you saying that even when a man is married or in a stable relationship, he may still be fascinated by other women? Is that because his wife/partner lack virtue altogether or particular virtues that he admires. And if this is the case, then which woman would survive? Men will always find and see other qualities in other women.

    The other question is, do you and do men consider light heartedness a virtue?

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    You answered your questions with this, “Men will always find and see other qualities in other women.” Admiring a quality doesn’t generate fascination, but admiring many of them can start the process.

    You ask, “Is that because his wife/partner lacks virtue altogether or particular virtues that he admires.” Perhaps on both counts. However, if she “lacks virtue altogether”, she isn’t fascinating to him in the first place.

    Is light heartedness a virtue? Yes, to those men who admire it in her. No, to those men who don’t admire it in her.


    • My Husband's Wife

      Good questions, Cocoa. I was wondering the same things. I think I’m getting it, correct me if I’m wrong: The particular virtues about a woman that a man finds fascinating are subjective, depending on what each individual man admires. BUT in general, most men will more likely find the more feminine qualities about a woman the most fascinating to them.
      These articles provide good mental gymnastics for my mind. I like that!

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
      Let me jump in. You’re absolutely right. The more feminine, then the more unique. The more unique, then the more mysterious. The more mysterious, then the more challenging to conquer. The more challenging to conquer, then the more dedicated to the conquered.

  7. Ljsrmissy

    Dear Sir guy,

    I have a question. I have had a few instances of guys in a round about way threaten to loose/not have/withhold things from me (like their ‘like’ and respect) that I never asked them for. I am not talking about male family members, or significant others. I am talking about guys who don’t make me no real difference lol. For example, I used to frequent a bar on Monday nights (because I was looking for somewhere to relax not ‘meet’ a guy) It had an atmosphere like the sitcom ‘Cheers’ and I really enjoyed going there. The owner of the bar was also a bartender on Monday nights. This man was married but he slept around (and was looking to sleep with me). One night I was telling him in a light hearted joking way that I liked ‘crotch rocket’ type or Ducati motorcycles as I know that he is a Harley Davison fan. He proceeded to tell me that ‘he liked me but he was starting to loose respect for me’. And I knew it was one of those serious jokes lol. I was disturbed by how my ‘likeability’ and respectability somehow was put on trial after mentioning what type of motorcycle I liked. And this man brought up brought up things related to his respect for me a few more times. And I just found it disturbing as I came to this mans bar for some drinks and wingdings and to go home, not for his to like/love/’respect’ me per se. As a woman, I know how I walk, talk, dress, and carry myself so I don’t worry about being ‘respectable’. Even in this mans bar. I had a few drinks, some food, chatted, and went home. If this was my brother, father, or a guy that I was in courtship with, that would be one thing. But the married bartender who sleeps around, drinks like a fish, has a daughter that he hasn’t seen in two months (at the time), and that had a previous cocaine habit bringing up my respectability?!!!! He shared these things with me and I didn’t have much to say about it as its his life and I don’t go to bed with him at night. I did not entertain this mans want to sleep with me. I told the man that I was not side booty. I decided not to go there anymore because I got tired of him trying to replace my own truth for his desire to have me as a extramarital bar duty slut. It sucks because I really enjoyed going to that bar. I highly value your opinion and I would appreciate your take.

    Your Highness Ljsrmissy,

    I’m sorry but your mixed up is all mixed up. I hate to be harsh, but you should recognize how the wrong environment seduced you into giving up your female strengths.

    You got what you invited. You proclaim innocence while challenging an owner on his turf. You challenge a man to compete with you over men’s ‘toys’. You expect ladylike treatment while acting like a dude. You expect to be respected by revealing lack of self-respect. You rationalize that you seek to relax (where guys hang out to prove they are competitors for whatever sex targets show up) but you don’t want to meet a guy. And you fail to recognize the owner’s male-standard tactic to put you down so you will try to recover favor by joining him in bed.

    You have done your best to make men like you so you can fish one out of the drink who will hopefully treasure you someday. It may feel good now, but it doesn’t work well down the road. Its short term and laden with misery, as you describe above.

    To your credit, you quit going there. Fortunately, it would seem, your female sensitivities awoke you to the fact that you were betraying your self-interest. That’s a wonderful first step for recovery, and recovery is everything.

    May I suggest you consider these options:

    • Except for church, forget going where men gather. Expect serendipity. Have faith. You’re worthy of some man. With patience and dedication, you can develop the fascination that morphs into promise of you as wife in the eyes of some man sometime, some day, somewhere.

    • Quit looking for men or a man. Forget sex as a lure; it doesn’t bond men. Turn more feminine.

    • Turn your focus inward. Inventory your female qualities that can help a Mr. Good Enough (never Mr. Right) live a better life with himself. Develop and improve those qualities. Find ways to make your qualities shine so men can see them without your mention.

    • When men admire a quality (other than sex-related), exploit them and gain admiration for as many qualities as possible. Male admiration turns a quality into a virtue. Numerous virtues morph into fascination. A revitalization of your hopes and dreams will begin as your fascination grows.

    I know it sounds like a tall order, but I have been reading and writing this blog for over six years. You are a newbie. I recommend you study more here. Screen the CONTENTS page for items of interest.

    But first, here’s my most important advice. Read, examine, study, and then adopt the daily practice that I describe in the articles shown in post 1440. The better you feel about yourself, the better your life will become. And it all starts at the mirror.


    • “Expect serendipity.” Surprising guidance, but delightfully so. Most of what you hear now is how to “make it happen” for yourself.

      • tink


        Your comment of “make it happen” made me think of Tim Gunn’s catch phrase of “make it work.” 🙂 That is one man that believes in day dresses for women and I have been fascinated by him ever since. But then again, I am too girly for my own good…. (blush)

        Hope you are having an awesome day!

    • krysie869

      “And you fail to recognize the owner’s male-standard tactic to put you down so you will try to recover favor by joining him in bed.”

      So if a guy tries to guilt a woman in any way, it is because he wants her sexuality? Is this the only reason men would want to guilt a woman? I have personally experienced this from some men.

      Your Highness Krysie869,

      Look at it this way, darling.

      Men cannot stand guilt and think women are the same. But women live with guilt all the time, while men have to dispose of it or find some way to forget it. So, men inflict guilt on women expecting them to react favorably to what the men want. When women don’t, men keep trying.

      Sex isn’t the only reason; there’s also the desire for men to just get their way.


      • Cinnamon


        The put-down is a common PUA technique known as “negging.” Take a look at my previous comment to MLaRowe on article 2145 about studying PUA techniques in order to protect yourself.

        I’m not saying all men who “negg” are PUAs (some probably do it naturally, and mean no real harm) but studying PUA techniques will give you a thorough understanding of the dynamics in order to better protect yourself. This knowledge, combined with Sir Guy’s instructions about hard-headedness, will ensure you can handle any negging that should arise with ladylike aplomb of the highest order.

    • gonemaverick

      Great advice for newbies Sir Guy. Your strategies bring joy and male attention to women who practice them daily.

  8. krysie869

    “Modern men may marry less-than-fascinating women, but such arrangements turn temporary before too long. Men can too easily admire the feminine qualities in other women.”

    Out of curiosity, why would a man marry a woman he sees as less-than-fascinating?

    Your Highness Krysie869,
    Sex, her wealth, romantic loce, short-term pleasure.

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