1985. How Men Decide to Marry

For reasons explained later, please disregard the role of conquest in the following.

A few men love at first sight. But even they reinforce their love by the process that I describe. What and how a man loves a woman leads him to the altar. I summarize it in steps to keep simple in description what in reality is both complex and virtually undetectable. It’s based on how men follow their nature, when women expect mutual love to be the inspiration for marriage.

  1. Her attractiveness works. It grabs his attention, his serious attention. He admires her appearance. It highlights her as possibly virtuous. And so, he finds ways to get close and associate with her.
  2. In the process of looking for weaknesses to facilitate getting her into bed, he discovers and admires certain qualities as person, woman, and possible wife and mother. His looking longer exposes more qualities to admire.
  3. Whatever he admires becomes virtue. He seeks to marry a virtuous woman, and the more qualities he admires the more virtuous she becomes.
  4. Virtuousness registers in his mind and causes her fascination to reside in his heart.
  5. As her fascination increases, it eventually morphs into promise he senses in her aptitude and attitude to support and help him find greater success at work and daily recovery at home.
  6. When he perceives enough promise that he’s willing to swap his independence for it, he doesn’t have much choice. She’s far too fascinating and promising for him to ignore. He can’t imagine doing without her. He can’t afford to lose her. And so, he slips on his mental shoes for the toe-tapping, totally obligated, “yes dear” dance down the altar path where she assumes domination of wedding plans.

All of that flows out of his nature. Before she appears, his prime motivator is to earn self-admiration. It settles in his psyche as a self-endowed virtue, as his version of moral excellence. What else could it be since he earned it by and for himself. The connection with women becomes axiomatic. What he admires makes them virtuous. Increased virtuousness morphs into fascination. Greater fascination morphs into promise. He seeks to marry a virtuous woman and so screens until he finds one with enough promise to yield his independence.

Most women want to be fascinating but the challenge is daunting. How do you carry and present yourself with some unknown quantity of unspecified qualities in ways that make you appear fascinating? How do you even know where to start to convince Mr. Good Enough that you are fascinating? (Answer: Increase your self-gratitude which is coming soon.)

It’s a wonder women get any man to the altar. But women inherit at birth the relationship skills to do it. The way becomes easier the more they rely on their nature rather than unproductive and even contrary things learned in life.


Why is sex not important above? When speaking of virtue, people tend to think in terms of sexual behavior. I ignore it here because—with one exception—it plays a non-vital role in the love-development process that takes place in the male heart and mind.

Sex is a virtue only to the extent that she’s admired for closeness to virginity. Because of her refusals to accept his charm and determination and yield to conquest, he presumes other guys had the same result. His imagination tells him that she must have refused virtually all offers except those inherited with marriage. Anything less isn’t admirable.

Finally, this is the one exception about sex. Conquest that occurs during the love-development process slows and can virtually stop his discovery of admirable qualities aka virtues. He won her so there’s little need to increase her value. After conquest he pays more attention to her weaknesses than strengths. Thus, the growth to fascination and promise slows immensely.



Filed under courtship

13 responses to “1985. How Men Decide to Marry

  1. surfercajun

    amazing and eye opening. I am blessed continuing coming here to learn. My gratefulness is on the front burning and has increased my happiness. I received a compliment last night about how beautiful my smile is and this person pointed out, ” I always seem to have a smile on my face.” I believed at one point I must have stopped smiling even though in high school I was nick named smiley. I miss that girl…but I am getting her back!!!! …what is even better? My husband overheard what this person said and told me this morning! …me smiling: Oh? You heard that?…giggle

  2. But when she noticeably loses her respect for him, the ‘road to the altar’ gets summarily detoured.

    The man wants a woman who is virtuous, but the reciprocity of that virtue is that she provides him with unwavering respect.

    It seems that some women have a hard time respecting men, and consequently, are unsuccessful in their efforts to land a husband.

    Sir Outstandingbachelor,
    Amen! The root of not respecting men runs back to radical feminists preaching the evils of masculinity as they set out to destroy patriarchy. It was and remains a political movement to make enemies of men and women, to divide the classes, to justify extending the (misnamed) beneficent hand of government to the downtrodden masses. Ostensibly aimed at empowering females, the purpose was and remains to divide the populace into groups that can be used against one another in pursuit of political goals. Modern women adopted feminist values, the most obvious of which is disrespect for the male gender and all but the most feminist-promoting individuals in it.

  3. Readingup

    I think I see a little glimmer of hope here. For a long time I worried I was not fascinating enough. Too dark, too plump, not the kind of girl a man would want to show off.
    But one thing I am glad and appreciate myself for is that I am or at least have the makings of a virtuous woman. I try to live my life on biblical principles no matter the cost. Choosing not to compromise has cost me dearly especially in the love department 🙂

    Sidenote: Who decides if a woman is virtuous? Man or God?

    You only need one man to say “this woman is fascinating, I can’t let her go”. And I know he has got to be out there. All the while I was worried that because I was getting looked over by the masses while my younger sisters were getting dates left and right that something was wrong with me. But the truth remains you only need one. I can’t wait for your series on self-gratitude. It will be the dawn of a new me, a much needed siesta from the self-inflicted anguish of my past 27 years.

    Thank you,
    Eagerly Awaiting

    Your Highness Readingup,
    Re your sidenote. Each man decides if and how virtuous each woman is to him; it’s all about how she reflects off of his heart and mind. At birth God endows each female with qualities that men can admire plus the capability to compensate or convert not-so-admirable qualities into admirable ones. As I hope you will soon see, self-gratitude is the magic potion that converts less-than-admirable into the opposite.

  4. Ari

    I cannot wait for the next installment. Please keep writing 🙂

  5. MLaRowe

    My husband and I were talking about this the other day and his exact words were, “I was all in fairly quickly.” Somehow that phrasing was really romantic and sweet to me. I guess he must have done those stages you mentioned fairly fast although we did have a long engagement (but that was in order for me to get the wedding organized and paid for).

  6. Some Other Guy

    Nice work Sir Guy. I think this is the best description I have ever seen regarding why it is so important for a woman to maintain her innocence by making the man wait longer for sex. I have not seen this explanation anywhere else, ever. And it matches my experience in life precisely.

    One of your best posts.

    PS. I hope you healing after the loss of your wife.

    Sir Some Other Guy,

    Thanks for the confirmation. They come infrequently.

    As for handling my sorrow, I am doing okay. I stay busy during the day and spend time each night with Grace reviewing our life together in 17 segments separated by major changes in our history, such as job changes. The pleasantness heals and easy sleep follows.


    • Cinnamon

      I have not seen this explanation anywhere else, ever.

      This sentence applies not only to this post but to so many other things on this blog, at least for me. I don’t understand why my mother, grandmother, aunts, teachers, etc. never taught me any of these things growing up, especially since they themselves grew up in an era where this information was available.

      I am very grateful to Sir Guy and Grace for making this information availalbe, even late in my life, because it has changed my life so much for the better. I really would be lost if I hadn’t found this blog.

      • Some Other Guy

        Cinnamon, the wisdom of the elders was heavily ridiculed in the 1960’s and 70’s. In the 80’s it also started to become fashionable to declare this “old fashioned” wisdom as denigrating to females. “WHy can’t the girls have fun like the guys do?” they would say. This has continued to the present time.

  7. SouthernBelle

    Sir Guy,

    If all these things are present and marriage proposal has been brought up by him but would require her sacrificing her career to now relocate and thereby financial dependency on him would that be seen as showing trust and respect?

    I feel like so many career women disdain and advise women to never do this but now as an avid follower of WWNH I’m thinking this is a sign of the dark side of feminism.

    When is it giving/risking too much of “her” for “him” pre-marriage? Would that be an “unearned gift” to him?

    Your Highness SouthernBelle,
    I have a minor ailment that takes me away today. Hopefully, I can respond Friday or Saturday at the latest.

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness SouthernBelle,

      Methinks you’re confused by listening to everyone else both now and in the past.

      You must live with your decision. So, to get the best data points, look more to yourself alone. You can’t get him to change if he is scamming you or you expect more than what he thinks to deliver.

      I recently made a mistake that may be misleading you, but I expect to recover in few days. My next post, hopefully, will provide good info for you to evaluate him, you, and ‘us’ relative to separating, merging across the distance for awhile, or morphing into something finer before you make a final decision. Stick with me. Look for the article that deals with his likeability to you and your likeability to him.

      It will also deal with his love and his devotion. With only his love, stay where you are. If you can convince yourself of his devotion, take the risk and buy your ticket. (Will he pay for your move? If he won’t invest his money in you, he won’t invest much of himself in you either, which means less affection, intimacy, and providing/protecting as you expect it.)

      All of that is framed more lighthearted than you look at it. But don’t worry. My post will provide good info for common sense decision-making. For now, just remind yourself of how grateful you are for having the decision to make. Keep looking for more gratitude in your life; leave worry to the common folk.


      • SouthernBelle

        Ok Sir Guy! I am so grateful for your insight and adroitness in reading between the lines. Looking forward to the post!

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