1986. Self-gratitude—A New Beginning


 I’m frustrated. I can’t get the subject organized and written as I would like. So, I start at the back-end and will let your questions bring out the reasoning and details for a front end.

Women have to earn happiness, and it’s a three-step process. First, they find gratitude within themselves for who and what they are. Second, they find gratitude for other people and things in their lives. Third, they continually reinforce self-gratitude for two reasons. 1) It tends to easily weaken by comparisons to other people. 2) You can find gratefulness outside of yourself only to the extent that self-gratitude floods you own persona. The more grateful for self, the more gratitude you can find and appreciate until you realize that you’re happy.

After more than six years and a million words written, I’ve concluded lack of self-gratitude is the severest and self-induced shortcoming among females. It causes less control of self, which leads them into misery in the multiplex of singleness, disappointment, unhappiness, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, despair, divorce, depression, and gloom and doom. They pay too little attention to keeping their self-gratitude sufficiently inflated and pay too high a price at the box office of society.

So, I have compiled a list of things that should make women grateful when they adopt and embody them as values, standards, and self-expectations. The list is a start. I will maintain it by editing as readers convince me I should. I will also add new things at the top so readers can immediately see that new ones have been added.

You need to make a believer of yourself about each item that can be fitted into your personality, belief system, and roles in life. Remember this as you study each item. You can’t be grateful for yourself until you show yourself that you’re worthy by living up to your own standards and expectations. You have to live up to yourself in order to generate the self-worth that steadies and readies you to associate gratefully with others.

I suggest that you adopt, review, and rehearse daily until you believe some or all of the factors listed below. Consider your whole life in light of each. Where and how does each fit into your life? How does the absence of such beliefs make your life less worthy or successful? How does or can the presence of each improve your life? Make as many as possible a part of your convictions and beliefs. Start here by visualizing yourself.

I am grateful for myself because I:

  1. [Next new one goes here]
  2. [Have] the strength to do the right thing and live up to the expectations of those I have been giving the gift of caring for. [MLaRowe]
  3. As a nurse can help others. [from Nancy]
  4. Have a nice, more attractive body hiding inside me that I can bring into the light of my world. I’m especially grateful that I finally began to restore it.
  5. Can convert the worth I see in others into value for my life and vice versa.
  6. Depend on my man by doing for him rather than him doing for me.
  7. Am capable more of giving that taking and am grateful for each opportunity to prove myself to myself.
  8. Am capable of finding new ways every day by which to show to my man how he is respected for who he is and what he does.
  9. Am vital to the people in my life and grateful that I can read the signs of it.
  10. Can seek God’s forgiveness to relieve my self-blame and guilt.
  11. Am worth any man but only a few are worthy of me. I have all the qualities I need to make one earn me and I work daily to make those qualities become virtues in the eyes of the best men.
  12. Refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities by spotlighting my objection with word or departure. No more F- or C- words or similar filth in my presence, and that’s just for starters.
  13. Grieve at the loss of a loved one with this firm conviction lodged in my heart. They would not have wanted me to miss a single good day of life if they thought they were the cause.
  14. Have learned that commitment is of the mind and mouth and devotion speaks of the heart through actions.
  15. Recognize my man is short of providing all the affection that I would like to have. But he provides enough and I’m just glad our roles aren’t reversed such I would be the one accused of giving too little.
  16. Recognize that my man’s handiness is the birthright equivalent of my prettiness. Pleasing each other comes easily in those domains.
  17. Have my personality and roles wrapped up in the urge to be important to me and others. My free will enables me to make the best choices that maximize the benefits to all concerned.
  18. Enjoy promoting my man’s sexual performance and ignoring whatever shortcomings I may detect. It’s such a vital part of his sense of significance that I am unable to let my attitude be construed as a threat.
  19. Get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones.
  20. Want a man of my own, but who is unchangeable except before conquest and after many years of age when more maturity and less testosterone morph him into Mr. Right.
  21. Use to our advantage how my man focuses primarily on the present and I focus primarily on the future.
  22. Promote my man’s producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving as the primary foundation for the strengthening and preservation of our family.
  23. Can assuage my fear of abandonment by promoting and helping my man promote his sense of significance.
  24. Am the primary determinant for brightening my future within our future together. It all depends on the choices I make, man I choose, and relationship we develop with my relationship expertise.
  25. Appreciate myself more when I depend on my modest nature to guide me.
  26. Can touch up my appearance in numerous ways and places and endlessly please myself with how truly pretty I am.
  27. Feel better about myself when I dress and act more feminine and less like men.
  28. Am honest in all affairs of the heart. I can handle the disappointments it may cause, because I’m overly grateful when Mr. Not Goodenough departs.
  29. Have so many blessings to count. Let me see now, which are the best at this moment in my life?
  30. Think enough of myself that I can help bear the burdens of someone else.
  31. Forget after I forgive. Forgiveness is the true expression of ultimate power, and true forgiveness causes the giver to forget.
  32. Appreciate and use my instinct and intuition that prompts me to be kind and tender hearted. I acknowledge two things. 1) We women are born to be good, and our kind and tender heartedness enables us to do good. 2) Men are born capable of doing good and become as good as we women teach them to do good.
  33. Am able to comfort those less endowed or fortunate than I.
  34. Can visualize peace and harmony in my home and know that I must determine what it is without demanding it, exemplify it without criticizing in hopes of getting it, and blend the contradictions as if nobody is wrong.
  35. Appreciate never having to prolong the agonies that self-forgiveness can relieve. The best gift from God or use of my will power comes when I forgive myself.
  36. Know how to find and screen Mr. Good Enough and that he will be blessed to have me behind and helping lead him to all his victories.
  37. Don’t need my man’s faults to fade away soon after we marry. I’m patient enough to watch him morph from Mr. Good Enough into Mr. Right over the span of a couple of marital decades.
  38. Resolve my own problems. That’s where I’m most independent and so considerate that I accept blame rather than impose it on others. My self-worth soars with each instance of sacrificing myself to lift blame from others.
  39. Can reward myself at the mirror in numerous ways such that I don’t crave overly much recognition when away from it.
  40. Can eagerly honor this rank structure in our family: husband, wife, mother, father, and children.
  41. Love my ‘new self’ at breakfast after mirror talk and enjoy the calm atmosphere that I bring to launching family into their respective days.
  42. Unconditionally respect people and loved ones. It’s an awesome power that I can trust people who I know until evidence and good reason reveal that I shouldn’t.
  43. Am proud to accept the principle of submission to husband while reserving the free will to take exception when appropriate.
  44. Reap great pleasure spreading my self-identified joy wherever I go but especially in my own home.
  45. Find gratefulness in all that I and my loved ones do.

How grateful do you now feel about yourself? More or less than when you started the list? Regardless, you should be energized to study further and consider options you had trouble accepting on your first viewing. The more self-gratitude you purposely generate by accepting individual factors, the sooner the misery multiplex will fade in importance and happiness will find you sooner.

22 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, feminine

22 responses to “1986. Self-gratitude—A New Beginning

  1. Wow! That is an awesome, amazing, astounding list, Mr. Guy! I am going to cut and paste it and tape it inside my journal to refer to again and again. You wrote it in such a way that it is not condemning but positive and motivating. Thank you!

    Jill

  2. MLaRowe

    Only someone wise could have written this. Many thanks.

  3. surfercajun

    EDITOR’S NOTE: The writer’s comment has been converted into a daily post, #1987.

  4. Brown_eyes

    I was feeling down, but these reflections have made me feel at ease. I really do have a lot to be grateful for! What a beautiful discovery! 🙂

  5. Shanna

    Mr. Guy, this is a New Beginning indeed. Gives me a lot to be grateful for and a lot of work to do. I will be printing the list to view daily. 🙂

    Your Highness Shanna,

    Here’s a tip on what’s coming soon. Take the list and other items you add to your dresser mirror each morning before others arise. Spend 30 minutes talking to your best friend, your reflection. Discuss with yourself how 1, 2, or several gratitude factors play a part or can be exploited to address the problems and challenges of your present life and the same for family members. Decide how you will handle what you will be facing at the breakfast table and strategize how to make it easier for you and family. Figure out how to breathe harmony into the process of getting everyone enroute to school or work without disruptions, eruptions, or pettyiness.

    Even if you have no family, do the same thing daily until you master the art of making your day a masterpiece of calm and pleasantness. You have the ability and only lack practice based on exploiting the capability provided by your self-gratitude.

    Guy

  6. Readingup

    Let me start by saying I’m grateful for this article!

    Thank you for sharing this wisdom. I am going to get a grateful jar and put 30 things I am most grateful for in it. And when ever I am down or insecure I whip out that jar and keep going.

    This right here “worthy by living up to your own standards and expectations. You have to live up to yourself in order to generate the self-worth that steadies and readies you to associate gratefully with others.”

    I realize that I judge myself very harshly and I always second guess myself. I have observed some men that when the act they are so self assured, make no apologies and never second guess their decision. That is a feature that would serve me well.

    I spent a lot of time walking around with shame. Not about things I may do but who I was, I was ashamed and embarrassed of who I was at the core. My parents were never abusive they were just sticklers for quality and growth. My love language is words of affirmation so I did everything I could to avoid criticism and shame.
    When I hit puberty at 13 is when the shame compounded with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome I started gaining weight in all the wrong places, the curves that most girls got never came instead came dense dark facial hair, acne, darkened joints and losing my hair. I used to try everything to hide my shame but people would still point it out and I just wanted to hide. Even my mom saw that something was wrong “everyday you complain about yourself why are you hating yourself.

    A decade and a half has passed since junior high and articles like these help me look past the past and to a beautiful future. I refuse to live the poisonous was I used to God is good to me and I have the tools.

    His divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him that hath called us to glory and virtue. 1 Peter 2: 3

    • Readingup,
      I prayed for you today. The verse from 1 Peter says it all! Christ has called us out of the darkness of shame and into His marvelous light! Blessings,
      Jill Farris (who once was full of shame as well)

  7. Readingup

    I have just one more question.
    My mother is thin, curvy and beautiful and petite. Always has been and is even now in her mid 50’s. People would ask if I was really sure that was my mom. As I described I struggled with image and weight throughout my teen years. My mom helped in every way she could: diets, books, specialists, gym, my parents took me jogging, bought me treadmills etc.
    They were the best most supportive parents you could ask for.

    With all the changes my body was going through and getting teased by guys and girls I certainly felt unlovable. My father said something one day that devastated me and to this day it still rests on my mind.
    I went and cheated on my diet and he would tell me not to eat that, then he would make little remarks when I prepared my meals. He said in passing ” I would never had married your Mom if she was as fat as you.”

    That was it… but I felt so discouraged. You see I’ve always looked up to my Dad and Mom’s marriage. He was a protector, provider, the one who helped me ride my bike and I always said I wanted my husband to me just like him.

    How can I get over this? My dad probably doesn’t even remember this and is still the same sweet pop that I’ve always loved. But I can’t help feeling that I don’t have what it takes as yet to get what I’ve always wanted.

    Your Highness Readingup,
    You want to get over that? You can with dedication of time and forming of a new habit. I suggest the same thing I told Shanna above, which is this.

    Here’s a tip on what’s coming soon. Take the list and other items you add to your dresser mirror each morning before others arise. Spend 30 minutes talking to your best friend, your reflection. Discuss with yourself how 1, 2, or several gratitude factors play a part or can be exploited to address the problems and challenges of your present life and the same for family members. Over the course of days rotate through the list multiple times. Decide how you will handle what you will be facing at the breakfast table and strategize how to make it easier for you and family. Figure out how to breathe harmony into the process of getting everyone enroute to school or work without disruptions, eruptions, or pettyiness. After getting your mind set on how you will handle that situation, review all the other situations you anticipate during your day and evening. Solve your problems by chatting with your reflection until you find adequate but better solutions.

    Even if you have no family, do the same thing daily until you master the art of making your day a masterpiece of calm and pleasantness. You have the ability and only lack practice in exploiting the capability provided by the self-gratitude you find or generate within yourself.

    Guy

    • Readingup,
      If you have forgiven your dad but keep getting hit by the memory of what he said , I would suggest writing down on the calendar the day that you forgave your dad. Every time that memory hits you in the face, say out loud to the enemy of God that you forgave your dad and it is DONE. The replay of the memory cannot affect you anymore…it’s like hearing an old song in your head; it’s not actually playing, you’re just listening to the memory. It can’t have a hold on you anymore because God heard your prayer and acted on it.

      This really helped me when I forgave a close family member but kept remembering the painful act that was done against me. What bothered me the most was remembering it over and over…I felt like I hadn’t truly forgiven that person. Then I realized that the enemy was at work and I didn’t have to revisit it any more.

      So mark your calender and leave it there. Then, go walk in Guy’s wisdom and go forward!

      Jill

  8. anonymous

    Sir Guy,
    Her Majesty Grace must be looking down on you so proudly. Men are never more handsome than when they lead women to happiness. Hope you are well 🙂

  9. Magnolia

    Good stuff!

  10. Thank you, Sir Guy, for this post. It’s taken me a while to read it, but I finally got through it. I like the idea of being grateful for my own qualities rather than making of list of things I like about myself. Being grateful means that I’m thanking Someone Greater than myself. Making a list of things I like about myself, just circle around myself. My Creator made womanly qualities and for too long, I’ve been in a way, ashamed of them. Thank you.

    Your Highness Sharonwithmaryandmartha,

    I love it when pretty women recognize the wisdom already embedded in their nature and heart.

    As to the list, it’s redesigned and being revised and enlarged. I hope to re-publish in a day or so.

    Guy

  11. gigiqc

    Guy,

    “Can visualize peace and harmony in my home and know that I must determine what it is without demanding it, exemplify it without criticizing in hopes of getting it, and blend the contradictions as if nobody is wrong.”

    Thank you for your uncommon and eloquently written wisdom. I’ve been reading your blog off and on for several months. I feel stuck on two things in my marriage and don’t know how to get past them. We’ve been married for 22 years. I decide to just be happy for what I have, which works for a while, but then end up facing the same situation eventually which brings up all the old feelings that don’t seem to die. Mostly, I would say I feel sabotaged in trying to be the best mom that I can and could be. Whether it’s providing healthy meals, expecting obedience from my kids and respect and kindness from them to myself and my husband and to each other, or trying to do something more meaningful than watching a TV show
    (i.e. reading a book together, learning something new that stretches our minds)… it seems I am very alone and my husband pushes back against me sometimes subtlety or sometimes as much as the kids, or generally doesn’t “back me up”. I can tell I am getting to a place where I just want to give up, but I feel like a piece of me is dying by allowing that. I feel I have compromised a lot on what I feel is best for my kids and when I try for something positive every once in a while, I get shut down.

    The other issue is that, on the surface, my marriage seems very happy – my husband is very affectionate, generous with his comments to me, loves to spend time with me and our family… But there is no talk that seems deeper than surface level, nothing that makes me feel like I truly know him or him me.

    Both of these issues are things I have shared with him in different ways over the years… What I need and desire from him. But nothing changes.

    I am obviously not fully getting #34 and feel like my couple of decades has come and gone (#37) with not much change or effort on his part to bend to the things that are important to me. I understand and practice submission well; maybe I haven’t drawn a clear enough line on where I can’t submit (#43). Then again, these are things I don’t really submit to as much as just accept as being a part of him that he cannot see to change right now.

    Any advice?

    Your Highness Gigiqc,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Reading between the lines, your last paragraph seems to encapsulate your dilemma. Is this it? Your husband will not respond and change as you would like. In spite of hints, patience, cooperation, increased modesty, and other forms of indirect influence, he remains shallow on matters that you hope to broaden and deepen. On matters of importance to you, he ignores if they call for him to change. If they concern the children, he does not back you and may sabotage your effort. In spite of 22 years of trying, he will not change to support matters of import to you. Other than that, he is a good husband and father.

    Perhaps to centralize it further, can I accurately summarize your dilemma this way? Husband out-mothers you. He has stolen your mothering role away from you. Could that pinpoint your home situation?

    If I have concluded wrongly, then correct me. Any advice must be aimed at the heart of a problem, and that’s how I see yours. Tell me how I am wrong so we can continue.

    Guy

    • gigiqc

      Dear Guy,

      Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify further. I’ve been doing some thinking this morning and trying to sort things out in my own mind. I think it would be unfair of me to say that he hasn’t tried at all. He has, but it seems rather inconsistent and his attempts to step up his role in training or doling out reasonable and helpful consequences seem to be in response to seeing my frustration rather than doing it for the sake of it being the right thing to do. So, if I don’t show frustration at an offense one of our children has committed, he takes that to mean it’s OK and usually won’t take action.

      After considering things this morning, I am wondering if part of the problem lies in the fact that I have never felt like I know whose primary responsibility it is to train and discipline the children. Maybe I need to just be me and not worry about getting his approval or back-up or being the one who has to be the “heavy” (but do what I need to do for the sake of my children’s character and peace in our home).

      Maybe I need more clarity on #21 in your default attitudes list.

      It is also true that I need to work on indirect influence, and, to that end, I would love to hear your thoughts on what that would look like in my situation.

      As far as more intimacy between us (in regard to talking and opening up), even if this is a deep need of mine – and I have altered my behavior for him in ways that suit his needs – do I need to adjust my girlhood dreams to reality? How could indirect influence help here?

      Your Highness Gogiqc,
      It seems you all have not clearly identified your respective roles in the family. May I invite you to read the series entitled “Love Just Ain’t Enough.” Mixed up responsibility causes mixed up authority and that confuses everyone.
      Guy

      • gigiqc

        As far as your comment that he out-mothers me or has stolen my mothering role from me, I guess my heart resonates with that, yes. I feel like I can’t be the mother to our children that I want to be because I know he doesn’t fully approve. Or will ease or slide the limits at his will and whim which undermines my authority with them.

        Your Highness Gigiqc,
        Undermining a mother’s authority is among the worst things that can happen. Children pay the price throughout their lives. I suggest you find some private way (date night?) to convey to husband how the rank structure that I describe resolves many family ills and brings harmony. It’s in the series “Love Just Ain’t Enough.”
        Guy

  12. msarianne

    Very wise words.

  13. Amanda

    I feel as if I am missing something when in comes to “gratitude”. I often wake up feeling tired and/or very anxious about my day. I have been trying to make it a habit to spend time focusing on gratitude in front of the mirror in the morning…both using this list here and my own.

    Sometimes it feels like a chore and sometimes after a while I am able to feel truly grateful for things in my life…but any happy feeling or grateful feeling I have fades within a few minutes following my repetition. My boss wants something, my children are screaming and the day passes. Only in the evening do I remember that I didn’t keep my “atitude of gratitude” going all day.

    Has anyone found ways to implement gratitude into their lives?

    Your Highness Amanda,

    First, gratitude doesn’t reside in your conscious mind; it’s only recognized there. By consciously expressing it to yourself, it then resides in your subconscious mind and comes alive in your heart. The benefits compile over time and reflect outward in your happier attitude. IOW, more gratitude doesn’t make you more grateful, it makes you happier.

    Second, when boss wants something, children are screaming, and day passes, take refuge in this thought: I’m satisfied with myself. As self-talk repeated frequently, it’s superb for settling your anxieties and nerves.

    Third, it feels like a chore because you’re new at it. Give yourself three months or so of 1) finding people and things for which you are grateful and 2) claiming that you are satisfied with who you are and what you do.

    So, the more that you find in your life and express it to yourself, the more your heart reflects it without you noticing it. IOW, find gratitude and forget it; your heart will reflect it in a happier you.

    Guy

    • Deborah

      Yes in two or three ways: 1. I find gratitude in beauty around me, not at mirror. It’s still some effort to keep self-talk positive (ie. Fall colors are a promise if spring not last hurrah before a long winter) but the initial “wow , how beautiful” is natural and not a chore.2. I work a run in after planning. Planning is daunting. I wonder will I get it all done? The run makes me feel confident and alive. 3. I work a lot, sometimes too hard, to get the annoying daily kinks out of my life. I train kids, revise schedules, add work systems to smooth life. Any improvement from these efforts makes me grateful and hopeful.

    • Miss Gina

      Dear Lady Amanda,

      When tempted by anxiety, we can remind ourselves of other days that started out with the same thoughts but worked out just fine.

      Also, not sure if this applies in this case, but we can make sure that our expectations are realistic. Maybe if working and mothering at the same time, there could l be some less important things that may be set aside (just for example, a very high standard of perfection for home cleanliness and appearance could slip a little, or perhaps some jobs could be hired out to allow fun time with kids).

      Finally, I agree with Lady Deborah on this: If kids are too loud and not contributing to the family, even very young ones can be gently trained to be quiet and helpful with a little planning ahead. This is God’s design for them to mature. If boss is unreasonable/expecting too much, there is a place for helping him/her understand what is reasonable. Gentle reminders that if you do this, you won’t have time to do that, may do it over time. And ultimately, there are other bosses/other jobs. Discovering that we are in control of most of what we allow in our environment produces the most gratefulness and happiness of all. 🙂

  14. Amanda

    EDITOR’S NOTE: MY RESPONSE IS IN CAPS to your comment in lower case. GUY

    Your Highness Amanda,

    I still have many questions about this-
    1) Is this list a shorter version of the “Female Blessings at Birth”? NO. THE ‘BLESSINGS’ ARE QUALITIES THAT FEMALES INHERIT AT BIRTH. THIS LIST SPOTLIGHTS WAYS THAT WOMEN CAN FIND GRATEFULNESS WITHIN THEMSELVES.

    2) It seems like many readers here are far more enlightened on these matters than I. Guy writes: “You can’t be grateful for yourself until you show yourself that you’re worthy by living up to your own standards and expectations.”

    What if you are repeatedly unscuccessful at living up to one of the above assertments? Try another? AND KEEP TRYING. LIFE GOES ON AND SO DOES TRYING.
    I’m not trying to be negative or critical, rather am just trying to understand better how to build my gratitude and am wondering how to handle “opposite thoughts” when they arise…

    For example:

    “Have a nice, more attractive body hiding inside me that I can bring into the light of my world. I’m especially grateful that I finally began to restore it.”- I feel like this is a very daunting and challenging task and always has been. I try, but more often than not I do not succeed. IGNORE AND FORGET FAILURES AND PROMOTE SUCCESSES TO YOURSELF.

    “Refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities by spotlighting my objection with word or departure. No more F- or C- words or similar filth in my presence, and that’s just for starters.” – Where I live there are many rude teenagers (and adults) who speak with vulgarities and when I try to stand up for myself I am mocked or yelled at. HARDEN YOUR SHELL AGAINST MOCKERY AND YELLING. TEND TO WITHDRAW AND LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE DIFFERENT AND EXPECT TO BE RESPECTED FOR IT. MOVE AWAY FROM THEM AND FIND NEW FRIENDS.

    “Get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones.” – I am often to burdened to spend much time doing this, and need to spend much of my time with my children just getting them to eat, bathe, homework, bed etc so I can do the nightly chores. REPRIORITIZE YOUR THINKING. NURTURE CHILDREN AS YOU FEED, BATHE, HELP WITH HOMEWORK, AND TUCK THEM IN BED.

    Is it best to skip the places where I feel I am not successful/ find it harder to find gratitude and focus on the areas on my life where I am successful? Such as promoting my man’s significance, touching up my appearance etc? YES TO ALL OF THIS PARAGRAPH AND ALL OF THE ABOVE. IGNORE WEAKNESSES BY BEING GRATEFUL FOR YOUR LIFE WITH FAMILY, PROMOTE EVERY SUCCESS YOU SEE IN SELF AND OTHERS, AND AMPLIFY GRATEFULNESS FOR SELF AND OTHERS.

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