2037. Porn and Men — Part IV: Her Recovery


Her Highness Anon at 1375 asked how to tell if husband is preoccupied with work or porn when his attention to her wanes. I aim this article at all women.

I focus on the possibility of it being porn. Caught once, a man has already developed a similar defense in case he’s caught again; it worked for him the last time. So, unless he’s surprised out of his wits, he’s not likely to change his behavior permanently.

He was caught doing it before, should you ask about it this time?

If it’s your idea that he give up porn, it’s not likely that he will do it with a committed spirit. It didn’t work the first time. So why even ask? It’s merely an invitation for him to find more devious ways to keep it hidden.

If forgoing porn is his idea because something else is more important, he might give it up, might break an addictive habit. That means you have to make yourself more important in his life than however important you are today. So, how do you do that?

There’s really only one way and you may not like the final result. So, you have to first make a choice. Which is more critical to your interest and well-being? 1) His presence even if he watches porn; you can adjust in order to protect the marriage. 2) It’s either porn or you. You’re unable to tolerate his porn viewing whether habit or addiction.*

Let’s take 1) first. You are already doing whatever it takes, so just continue as before.

If you choose 2), it’s another matter that should start here.

  • Don’t blame the “other woman,” that is, don’t even mention porn. It’s irrelevant to you. If he’s doing it, it’s his business. So, neither complain nor explain anything about it. Keep it off the table should any negotiation develop later. His inadequate actions where you are concerned is the problem.
  • Claim this problem, lay plans to take action, and let him know. You are not loved sufficiently; you need someone who can be and is more attentive, affectionate, intimate, and dependable in all those things. Thus, you intend to withdraw from the marriage. Shock works wonders.
  • Don’t explain much more. It’s your conclusion supported by the facts that he can recognize as easily as you. The more you explain or complain, the more ammunition you give him to argue the opposite. With more ammo, he can alibi, change the subject, and otherwise charm or promise you into submission. Which enables him to win with just a temporary change of porn habits in order to convince you of his sincerity. That is insufficient to prompt a permanent dropping of either porn habit or addiction.
  • As you proceed with plans for the breakup, it should soon become obvious if you are more important than before and hopefully more than his habit or addiction. If it looks like you are the more important, give him room and encouragement to show it as you expect it. But drag out the breakup plans. Enable his more attentive and affectionate behavior more time to develop into good habits; remember that his actions program his heart. He will have realized that porn is breaking up his marriage to—hopefully—the most important person in his life.
  • One needs three months or more to permanently change an unwanted habit. Your plans will probably turn porn into his unwanted habit so have patience and understanding while he undergoes self-weaning from it. Apply gentle pressure to get more attention, affection, and intimacy and indirectly praise and reward him for showing it.
  • Should he bring up porn as culprit, habit, or addiction, in addition to all that above, make other sleeping arrangements and stop all sex. Porn is cheating on you, so he can have his ‘other woman’.
  • Throughout this process and as if you’re preparing for the next man in your life, make yourself more attractive daily. Cultivate the practice of early morning mirror time as described in several articles with mirror in the title. Stimulate his sexual imagination especially if you stop sexual relations. Try to look and act more like the gal he married.
  • If it becomes obvious that you are not the most important, the plans for breakup have been made and can be carried out. Peace and harmony will not reign in your home until you as wife are the most important figure in his eyes. Men need frequent reminding and some need it more often.

Throughout all of the above, the deeper your belief and more determined your intention, the more respect and importance you will recapture from him. He may not make it sound that way in order to rebut your positions, but it will happen if there’s any love left in his heart. The easiest way for you to lose is to lose your self-confidence that what you are doing is the right thing to do.

Contrary to the way you may interpret that above, I don’t recommend busting up a marriage over porn. Using it as a threat, however, may well induce husbands to abandon a detrimental habit and regain the ambition of preserving their marriage. Whether it works or not leaves the wife with two options. Whichever is best for her as wife and perhaps mother of children, work it out or dump him.

——

* You can bring his porn watching out in the open, argue and fight defending each other’s position, and manage the turmoil that will certainly follow. Before long every shortcoming will be blamed on his porn watching or your reaction to it. Suspicion brings out the worst side of people, and it may or may not lead ultimately to breakup.

 

7 Comments

Filed under How she wins

7 responses to “2037. Porn and Men — Part IV: Her Recovery

  1. anon

    Guy, I appreciate this! It sounds like a dicey issue. I’m not sure if I was entirely clear re: our situation, though (from my perspective), though. For me, I can handle him being a bit distracted and less attentive for awhile. His job really does demand it at times. But its just that I can’t always tell if its the JOB. And I’ve been wrong before (once, to my knowledge – but I don’t know if there have been other times, as I have not asked. The work load of his job ebbs and flows and so does his attentiveness to me / “us”). Anyways, I *don’t* want to simply demand more attentiveness because I don’t want to open the me vs. work “competition” if the “competitor” is really his job. I am willing to dance around his JOB… he works super-hard, provides for our family, and enjoys / is very good at what he does. I support all that. I’m just *not* willing to work around his attentiveness lagging if its due to him being distracted because he’s busy getting emotional and physical gratification from other women. Is that something that can in any way be determined, or do I need to choose between just expressing dissatisfaction with his less-attentiveness in *general* or preparing to freak the daylights out of him??

    Your Highness Anon,

    Perhaps I misunderstood. Without blowing up the peace and harmony in your home, I know of no way to find out for sure and perhaps not even that way.

    Since you were wrong once, presume you’ve no right to be suspicious now. Trust, trust, trust, and find more gratefulness and gratitude and hallelujah fortunate in both you and him, and you’ll be surprised at the result.

    If suspicion can arise based on so little, trust and gratitude can be found in the same mental process turned around to look for the good rather than the bad.

    Guy

    • anon

      My one worry, however, Guy: won’t things (read: porn use) escalate if he thinks he is “getting away with it”?

      And by being “wrong” once, I meant that I gave him the benefit-of-the-doubt and then later found out he had NOT been working but had instead been taking our family computer and using it for porn-use. I was devastated and credit my recovery to this blog alone. It has been a handful of years now and I am again experiencing him being distracted… with work as a possible reason… or maybe not??

      • anon

        I should add that the whole reason this is coming to a head right now is that my husband would like to purchase a new electronic device (smart phone). It would save us a LOT of money on our monthly phone bill. We have never owned one before & I have no issue with them EXCEPT that I know he would then have much freer access to porn. IF he so desired. He has asked for my blessing of the phone purchase and I said I was leaning towards “no” because I don’t want porn to be accessible on these phones & I honestly don’t think we have any use for the internet on our phones anyway. Well, he said not a word (I thought it would have been an excellent time to say, “Well, honey, since I don’t view porn anymore, you have nothing to worry about!” But that’s just me.) He gave me a week to change my mind re: the phones. If we opt against one of these phones, our monthly bill goes up and I loose the chance to talk with my other lady-friends since we can no longer afford it. Weirdly, the smart phone is MUCH cheaper. But I am willing to pay more for the ability to talk less if it means keeping porn away. I just don’t know if I should directly ask what our marriage’s relationship with porn is… or if I should just opt against the phone *anyway*…

        Sorry to be inserting all that background info this far in. I just thought it might shed a new light…

        Your Highness Anon,
        I regret that I can no longer help. Our cooperation has morphed into competition with opposed objectives. You don’t need me to turn your suspicions into knowledge.
        Guy

        • Maria

          Dear Anon,
          My husband has a smart phone and I HATE it. That’s the only thing I can really say to offer my help. He gets on it whenever he possibly can. Like your husband, his job requires a lot of his attention, so I hate to let it bother me and try to be patient. I refuse to get one for myself. I’d rather not become addicted to ignoring the people right in front of me because FB and everything else on the internet makes me feel like I’m missing something if I don’t check every five minutes.
          Best to you,
          Maria

          Your Highness Maria,

          You’ve inspired me to philosophize.

          The nature of men causes this; business whether real, imagined, or contrived comes before the persons with them. Femininity inspires women to give top priority to the persons in company; phones remain unused until later, which indirectly shows respect for those in company. Feminism inspires women to copy masculine thinking, which influences them to put reading, surfing, or texting first, which directly shows disrespect for others. (One has to give respect in order to earn it, and the latter women give none so they earn none in spite of how their sense of importance grows from phone use.)

          IMHO and just between you and me, the latter group of women contribute the most to society’s major ills, which are:

          • Lack of mutual respect between both individuals and the sexes.

          • Lack of gratitude for herself within each female’s heart.

          • Lack of men paying enough attention to female interests and expectations.

          As women go so goes society, which means that today women have society headed down wrong paths and in wrong directions. Beg pardon, women have allowed men to head them down wrong paths and in wrong directions. When the immovable object of the dominant sex cannot be moved by the irresistible force of the superior sex, women are doing too many things wrong for females and children and not enough things naturally endowed in the female nature.

          Guy

        • anon

          Sorry, I did not mean to be competitive. 😦

          Your Highness Anon,
          It’s okay, darling. All is well and this too shall pass.
          Guy

  2. Meow Meow

    Sorry I haven’t posted much here….Things had seemed on the upswing: My husband has recently found a decent job making decent money after many years of under/unemployment. It is even a supervisory job which he had always wanted, and while it doesn’t make as much money as his previous form of employment, and is a switch from White collar to Blue collar work, I was happy he had found something that he could take pride in! While he had been collecting unemployment I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to keep our home and pay the bills. (I will say however that he only started interviewing seriously for a job when i found out that he had in fact been getting offers, and I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown…) Today I discovered porn use in the form of a subscription to live Webcams on his computer. Big Sigh. I have to say oddly enough I feel sort of like a husband who has been working hard and finding his SAHW with the pool boy. About a year ago I had discovered some porn use on the computer but it was ‘just” pictures and some videos so in the end he argued me down with the “All Men Do It” response and said that at least he wasn’t talking to anyone….yes he said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is the next step toward actual adultery. I don’t exactly consider it cheating, but I had certainly noticed a difference in his behavior to me lately—-avoiding sex/not seeming to miss it: less affection in general: short on the phone. I have stayed in shape pretty well: 120 pounds, 5’ 8″ and love makeup, cute shoes, dresses, most of all positive attitude/smiles—-etc…in fact guys are hitting me up daily despite my advanced age so I know sexual attraction is still there. (I was even a virgin when I met him believe it or not….) I have tried to be supportive, encouraging and so many different things to help my husband get out of his depression about his work situation but now I just feel maybe “Shock and Awe” is the only thing that will change our relationship. After all, i’ve maintained my own integrity despite feeling tempted myself during our travails, so it saddens me that now that things are going better for him in the work world he is choosing to get in deep. I know he will be so embarrassed when he realizes I found out: he’s one of those guys that can ‘compartmentalize” I think, and “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” And i know that he feels terrible about not being able to make enough money (his view not mine, but we were slammed during the recession: this is when all this started.) and prob. feels awful that i have seen him at his worst…..I do realize that this has more to do with his own loss of self respect then trying to hurt me as I wasn’t meant to find what I did….and I always thought that at least our sex life was good—-But, after many years of being forced to be the head of the household, and now finding out that my husband is becoming (or is already?) porn addicted I am wondering if this is even a marriage worth saving. If it wasn’t for my little girl who loves her Dad and our lack of money I think I’d be painting the town red……but I’m so happy to find this old post of yours, I think it’s helping me figure out what I need to do.

    Your Highness Meow Meow,

    Congratulations. Recovery is everything and you seem well underway.

    I am probably growing too enamored of my writing. I wrote this a couple of days ago, and you reminded as if I’d written it for you.

    Relationship success depends on the woman, specifically her strength of character to live by her heart instead of her mind, her mind instead of her body, and her dream instead of her situation.

    May all your recovery months be blessed with wisdom that fits your potential.

    Guy

  3. Meow Meow

    Thank you Sir Guy! Sorry to hear you’ve been unwell. I have a lot of catching up to do—you’ve posted lots of new articles and great ideas! Your writing has a way of capturing the feminine spirit that is needed to prevail in the world. This blog is unique and what is wonderful is how you adapt the concepts to today. Sometimes, what seems complex really is the same old story, playing out in new ways. I want to be proud of myself, going forward—ever classy as can be. Nothing impresses like self confidence and I am growing in that, thanks to you and the other ladies who post here about their own struggles and how they handle them! C’est la vie.

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