2041. Single Women Don’t Pay — II

Ladies and gentleman, your dialogue at part I pleases me. It adds value to the blog. So, thanks. I never made this point. Men are born expecting to pay for dating and courtship. It’s in their heart to step up to that plate. I hope to show you.

Your dialogue at 2040 reveals the experiences and expectations that exist in your memory, your present, and your future. It’s quite normal. But blog contributions remain mostly outside those thoughts. My standpoint comes from how men and women are born differently. How their natures differ, how hardwired and thus default conditions lead them until they learn something else that seems to keep or merge them more comfortably into whatever life they have.

To inject myself into your dialogue, let me state something new. Out of its roots, the male nature applies pressure such that men expect to pay in the cases under discussion. That’s right. Deep in their heart of hearts, men know they should pay for everything—but they’re neither dishonest nor obligated (more later). Nature guides both sexes toward that conclusion. Let’s see if I can make it make sense to you all.

As women go so goes society, which means that males adhere to female values when women insist. Nature mandates it. While men dominate society, they do whatever women require for men to have frequent and convenient access to sex. Being competitive, the male nature expects access to be costly, and the male desire for efficiency pushes men to seek cost-relief all along the conquering way. Consequently, the primary reason that guys expect gals to pay comes out of the male drive for efficiency, which means that he starts with the expectation that he had to pay and expects to pay if she is worth it. That implies that she’s worth less if he insists or even appreciates it when she pays. It also implies that her sexual assets are more easily available, which slows her earning of his respect, which makes it easier for hit and run fun.

Let’s go back to primal urges cited throughout the blog.

  • Men are driven to compete with Nature, other men, and to control human events. Dating pits them competitively against Nature, the female kind. Women need a brighter future. Single women look for a mate but not just anyone. They want and naturally screen for someone they can lean on when times are tough. A responsible man they can depend on. One who won’t abandon them. So, dating puts them in a highly competitive mode. Can he qualify for her? Is he worthy of her? Is he dependable and responsible? What does it say when he expects her to pay? To her, he’s responsible to win her but ducking out of paying seems irresponsible since he’s obviously unwilling to pay up front to confirm his leader role. In which case, how chintzy will he be if they continue? Tightwad husband? Weak leader? Who wants that?
  • The essence of dating is that the guy competes to earn his way into her bed first and maybe her heart later. He wants himself embedded in her heart before she ever becomes embedded in his. If he’s not fully dedicated for her first and bed second, then how does he make it easier on himself? He gets her to pay. If he’s dedicated to capturing her for herself more than sex, he’s more than eager to pay for everything—at least in his heart whether he has the finances or not.
  • If he fails to get her into bed, she defeats him. He earns no self-admiration that way plus his significance takes a hit. He isn’t likely to risk that for some money, except as anecdotal evidence encourages him.
  • His primary motivation is to earn self-admiration. The dating man earns it by achieving what he’s after. If he expects her to pay and she does, he wins. If she refuses, he loses that round. If he loses, he either loses interest in her or he decides to win her favor some other way. Either way she wins. With less interest in her, he’s worthless. With more interest in her, he’s more interesting too. If she pays as he was after her to do, the satisfaction of achieving subdues his motivation. He no longer seeks the same thing. He either pulls back or sets new goals.
  • Fears—rejection and failure among them—seduce him to avoid investing himself for access to sex with her. Spending money is small compared to his time, effort, thought, and convenience, which earn him a lot more in her heart than does his spending on her. Paying advances his agenda with least time and effort. It’s natural that he would seek that easy way to success, but it does little to buy his way into her heart.
  • His nature alerts him to this. If she’s willing to pay, she’s willing to accept him more easily into her bed. So, why not take a shortcut to finding out how productive their dating will be? He’s a producer trying for results. She’s a processor more interested in keeping things going.
  • There’s dishonesty wrapped up somewhere in human nature that causes men and women to do things contrary to what their hearts advise. Now men are hardwired to follow their hard-heartedness; but they are hard-hearted because women (except for sex) don’t rank as high as masculine interests. So, men feel little or no obligation to always pay unless they are so smitten about their date that sex gets pushed onto the back burner. He can’t afford to lose her.
  • Women, however, are not so easily excused from dishonesty. When women pay except in emergency, they shortcut their patience, amplify their fear of losing a potential mate, weaken their obligation to defend sexual assets, and help convince guys that women don’t have high expectations for mates. In short, when women don’t listen to their hearts, when they try to convince men that they are who they aren’t, the consequences work to a woman’s disfavor.
  • He realizes that anytime he can get her to pay, his job becomes easier and men are deeply involved with efficiency of effort. Paying on dates is an efficient way to keep the doors open to where he expects to take her. Paying symbolizes investing of himself but it’s not really an investment that generates hugs, kisses, affection, and all those other things that women crave from their man.
  • Modern women have started paying for or toward dating costs. Men learn to take advantage of it. However, men don’t truly appreciate it, because it doesn’t make them favor the payer more but seemingly less. Men learn to expect more out of her for less investment by him. IOW, he pays minimal price but people appreciate what they win more than what they are given. In fact, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If men pay for dates, they earn what they achieve. Moreover, by not paying, men don’t go whole hog investing themselves to win a date’s favor. By not investing himself spiritedly and honestly, he fails to brighten her future to the extent she expects. Therefore, when women pay they allow men to act less masculine, which in the final analysis within the male mind makes him less self-respectful aka less significant.
  • No doubt some men seek their date to pay in order to confirm they are at least that important to the gal. It’s not a very masculine way of looking at it, but in today’s social marketplace there seems to be an abundance of men who need confirmation in both that and other ways.

Now the sexes are designed beautifully different. I conclude that men are born with the hardwired expectation that duty calls them to pay for dating and courting. Of course, an expectation is not obligatory. But women benefit when men are made to live up to what’s resident in their hearts. When women set the standard, men step up because they won’t give up what women have to offer.

Now, this doesn’t answer the questions you all have generated in your dialogue. I will get to them soon, trying for today.

OPINION TIME. When she’s not more important than his money, she’s not respected enough for him to be a good husband. She should find it out before the altar. Pay up to get her up for a date is a major way to screen a guy for candidacy for marriage. She may tolerate his cheapness in courtship, but she will have a miserable marriage. If a man puts his money before his woman, he’s a moral failure.



Filed under courtship

7 responses to “2041. Single Women Don’t Pay — II

  1. My Husband's Wife

    Wow! Brilliant analysis! This article really filled in all the blanks for me as you described beautifully how both natures work together before marriage. Very clear now.
    You can tell by the numerous comments on this subject how “confused” this matter gets in the dating arena–and it’s been like that for decades now!
    I don’t think people realize (myself too, way back) how dating life is a prelude to one’s married life. It’s where roles/expectations are set as well as setting the stage for respect/love to grow (as well as the avenue to screen for Mr. Good Enough). This information is truly golden!

  2. That Horse Is Dead

    Sir Guy,
    I love your explanation and will no doubt read it several more times to let it really sink in. You offer a possible solution in another post (which I can’t find at the moment) to gift a man after marriage an approximate amount of money equivalent to what he spent on you during courtship. I really like this idea. I would think for a man it would be a bigger sign of a woman’s character/motives if she still enjoys his company with a coke in a fast food restaurant as much as an evening show and fancy dinner. Rather than become resentful that she never “chipped in,” I say test the waters with a few inexpensive outings and see how she handles it. I once dated a man who was spending on all the fancy dinners and then gradually backed off to fast food…and then disappeared. I always felt guilt (maybe I should have offered to pay), but now I see that he was never a Mr. GoodEnough.

  3. Shanna

    I have not been on a date in quite a while but when I do again, I KNOW I will not let myself get all caught up on the “who will pay this time” tally. He will pay every time. I used to think it was so modern and independent to not mind paying for a date..big mistake. I see a lot of debate about this on social media such as facebook. We have spoiled men so much that many tack the label of “golddigger” onto a woman who refuses to pay particularly if she is dating more than one man.
    Your last point describes my parent’s marriage. My mother always complained about how miserly my father (step-father actually) was while they were dating. And sure enough, things remained the same after they married. He didn’t like spending money on her or much of anything else. She tolerated his cheapness during courtship and she was miserable during the marriage.

    • My Husband's Wife

      Shanna you bring out something I’ve also noticed too. The point about women being perceived as gold diggers now. Of course some are–but not all, just as some men don’t have the best intentions either–but not all. This to me is a sign that there is such a respect / trust breakdown between the sexes that both men and women label each other and fear/expect the worst and approach dating with more competitive attitudes which leads to more disappointment and less respect for the opposite sex. Which is something that needs to be reversed.

      I also believe that when women pay for dates, they have a hand in turning a men into exactly what they don’t want them to become–passive or uninterested in pleasing her. And then they complain, “where have all the good “manly” men gone!” They’ve taken away his ability (or severely stunted) his ability to become devoted to her or please her in the future.

      • That Horse Is Dead

        “Rather than become resentful that she never ‘chipped in,’ I say test the waters with a few inexpensive outings and see how she handles it.”

        It just occurred to me that my comment above may be woman think — since if a man is out of sorts because a woman isn’t chipping in, then there are bigger underlying issues going on, namely he’s not that into her, miserly, or else he’s bought into feminism ideals.

        Seems you can’t have it both ways.

  4. Magnolia

    Truer words were never spoken. Ladies, don’t let any man push you around! A man who doesn’t pay is likely not worthy. The only exception is very modern and liberal career couples who do everything 50/50. But that’s not us. We are more traditional.

    The whole “Poor me, I’m a man in modern society” victimhood pity party is getting old, too. Don’t fall for it.

  5. cocoa

    **If a man puts his money before his woman, he’s a moral failure** That’s it.

    When we were engaged (we don’t really have dating and courting in our culture) we went out alone about 3 times, that’s it in the 12 months we were engaged. He was Thrilled to pay, he wanted to pay, he found any excuse to pay. I remember we were walking and I just looked at a cushion, just looked at it, he took me in the shop and bought it for me (I still have it).

    I am just wondering why are we so fixated on dinning out and who pays what. He’s the man A MAN and if he’s interested in continuing to be a man, then he pays. He had to ask and ask and beg my father to allow us go out and when dad agreed he was so excited to go out for a walk, for lunch and how about dinner and whatever else.

    Till today, and we both work, there is no such thing as I pay half or even a dollar. He gets offended!

    If I have a daughter I would teach her not to go out much with her guy, he has to put a considerable effort just to take her out and when he does, I would teach her to sit back and watch how his manhood shines.
    I would teach her mostly not to take advantages of a generous man. Never ask for anything just wait and see. Uh, I wish I had a daughter!

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