2048. Submission #06 — Courtship Alert


Out-shined yesterday by the article by My Husband’s Wife’s (at 2047), I nevertheless boost my spirits and continue with this series. As easily concluded from MHW, submission is merely a tradeoff for harmonizing a relationship. Men may demand it exclusively, but that makes it no more right that they are right about everything else. But women have to teach them the difference between submission and submissive, competition and cooperation, discord and harmony. Leadership by example is always the best teacher. It means the relationship expert must submit at times in order to teach her man to recognize, respect, and hopefully submit to her ways in domains for which she is responsible.

I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes.

9. This should be on her premarital checklist. Whether she and he are Christians or Bible believers or not, she can still ferret out some answers or spot red flags. She explores and discusses how each feels about each other relative to these passages and their present and future relationship: Ephesians 5:22-33. From what he says but mostly what he does, she should be able to determine—over a lengthy courtship—much about his worth to her.

10.With no CEO, families flounder from lack of leadership. With one CEO, they can thrive on effective leadership. Two CEOs invariably disagree, dispute, or fight over leadership issues and confuse each other and the kids. More importantly, spouses too easily succumb to blaming each other when things do not turn out as agreeably planned, expected, or predicted. Finger pointing both cripples leadership and injects sour notes into family harmony. The most acceptable and effective assigning of blame is the finger that points inward by the person responsible. (You can’t blame someone if they’re not clearly responsible and endowed with sufficient authority to do what they should. Also, they lack sufficient authority if their decisions are questioned or criticized. That is, their spouse fails to submit.)

11. People have to submit all the time. Children to parents. Parents to God. Employees to boss. In effect, submission is a natural function of any authority relationship. Authority exists to provide the essential influence in one’s domain to fulfill their responsibility. By clearing up lines of responsibility ahead of time between man and wife, authority becomes clearer. Submission of one to the other in the domains for which they are responsible can lead to reciprocity and freedom from debate, resistance, and resentment. Examples: 1) Mother is chief child-raiser, nurturer, and disciplinarian. Father is her main provider/protector, supporter, and backup in her domains. 2) His domain is the home as chief executive officer. Her domain is how everyone will live in it as she is the chief operating officer. When push comes to shove, each submits to the other’s decisions in their domains. (Advice to wives: Always indirectly, in various ways keep impressing husband with this thought. When you make his castle in your home, he loves it. But don’t tell him that when he makes his castle in your nest, you can’t live with it. Caution: If you make it your castle, he may not stay around very long.)

12. Aggressively or too assertively playing the power struggle game is dangerous to a marriage. Eventually destructive forces lead to split up. Without each spouse having a submissive spirit in the other’s domains, constant turf battles ensue. Prevention being better than cure, distinctly different domains for which each is responsible and has authority to control it helps clear the air for who submits on what issues. For example: Wife determines menus for home meals. Husband determines where they eat out. Although unstated, both yield in the other’s domain to encourage rather than expect that each please the other. IOW, mutual acceptance of domain assignments generates cooperation. Avoiding competitive situations helps prevent disagreement and stifle resentment.

13. The natural form of marriage works as a power game with a husband presuming himself to be on offense and wife on defense. Her best defense is to not lose whatever influence she has, which challenges her to fight back, which happens frequently in the early years of a marriage. If she loses her influential ability, it neutralizes her interest and de-energizes her spirit to cooperate. Her second best defense is to gain greater influence, which comes through patience, indirectness, and submission as appropriate for peaceful negotiation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

——

NOTE: When I return to complete the Female Blessings at Birth series, I will be adding #91 phrased around this thought: Just as females are sex objects for men, men are romance objects for women. Without recognizing it, you’ve carried the conviction since birth.

 

8 Comments

Filed under courtship

8 responses to “2048. Submission #06 — Courtship Alert

  1. Anon...

    perhaps,,, i mean perhaps, this could be a reason, back when women had LADIES INTUITION, that they would tell their daughters to ‘marry up’ or they wouldn’t respect the man in marriage–even ‘across’ wasn’t good enough…

    i also think, that it could have been a reason that the top colleges were for men ONLY.
    There is a book written by Susan Patton called MARRY SMART by a Princeton graduate–she said , many girls have ‘priced themselves out of the market for marriages’
    she herself is warning young ladies to keep their eyes open to find an adequate husband (even if you don’t want husband and family now, you’d want one later–it used to be age 25 when a woman would marry after finding a guy in college).
    She since divorced her husband because of IMO he wasn’t on her level and wanted to marry him to have children, and is warning young ladies to find ‘him’ earlier.

  2. boomer babe

    Women are sex objects for men, and men are romance objects for women?
    well, i think we women are being cheated, since there just aren’t enough men to go around, who are ‘romantic’ etc., and women are looking sexier–even little girls are using that term!!
    The only thing i see, is for women especially young women to start wearing skirts again.
    i’ve just heard on the radio, that ‘yoga pants’ are starting to be more popular that jeans for the 1st time in 4 decades since the rural cowboy/girl/hippie look could be finally dying out–{hippie not cowgirl}, perhaps there is hope for us to get back into the skirts…..even with the right colored leggings they look good..

  3. Cocoa

    Romance object?! I guess it will depend on what you mean by ramance. I feel I get lost defining it. My husband gets offended and withdraw when I don’t get or understand when he is romantic towards me. It’s a major issue for us. What is wrong with me?

    I have spoken to a friend and she thinks it’s because I was raised by a sticked mother (she wad not affectionate at all, very very dry and tough) and that I get embarassed quickly. But still I must be wrong or some kind of an idiot as after those many years I don’t or can’t respond to romance. I just switch off! Or I quickly change the subject.

    Sir Guy, do you see something not right not natural with my behaviour? Am I pushing him away?

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    I will explain in a later article but romance mostly works like this. Romance to him leads to and includes foreplay in anticipation of having sex. To her romance means attention, affection, and non-sexual intimacy.

    If I read you correctly, you reject what other women crave. He could be getting messages like this. You reject his passion and importance for sex. You’re demeaning his importance to you, discrediting his significance as a man, and indirectly saying you have little use of him as a mate. Perhaps he’ll do as a keep-around flunky, but not as a mate.

    If your situation is even close to what I describe, you can change it. He’s worth this: teach yourself to handle your embarrassment without paralysis. Why let your embarrassed reactions embarrass him for what he senses is his romantic inadequacy. Quit switching off in favor of gratitude for him and find new interests in pleasing him. Quit thinking something is wrong with you. You’ve been married too long. Its your duty to be the object for his his ardor. There’s nothing wrong with you that a relationship expert can’t fix reasonably easy. You may be looking too hard for problems rather than finding gratefulness for what you have. What does your best friend in the mirror advise?

    Guy

    • Amazing gracee

      If a man sees romantic gestures as foreplay would a man change or lessen his romantic gestures (but still initiate communication and dates) when he finds out she will not have sex with him before marriage. I guess I’m asking if I should expect this shift as a good thing, i.e. he respects my wishes but doesn’t want to lose me but now has to change his “game plan” or is his perceived lessened enthusiasm a red flag

      Your Highness Amazing gracee,
      You may have uncovered a winner for you, but don’t stop screening and looking for red flags. A man won’t change to get what he wants, but he will change to keep what he has.
      Guy

  4. Cocoa

    What does your best friend in the mirror advise? It advises that I am pretty. That I am desired. That I am a tad shy.

    I only did not respond directly to his statement. I smiled put my head down a bit then raised it and said what would you like to eat tonight, then I said, from your message earlier you seemed bothered with something, what’s wrong tell me.

    I think my problem is that I cannot match a man’s romane. For example if a man tells me I miss you I just CAN’T say I miss you too!!! However, my actions and the rest of the conversation may show that I do.

    I am just hoping that he understands my *weird* nature.
    He’s still devoted to me but maybe I am a bit too worried as the females around him are very outspoken, while I am not.

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    Outspoken women lose their mystery, and some mystery keeps men attached or at least attracted. Wife’s likeability depends more on what, how, and why she says what she says more than what her actions reveal.
    Guy

    • Cocoa

      Oh, and yes sir Guy, you are so right and you read me very correctly I do seem to reject what other women crave! I do…

    • Cocoa

      Many thanks sir Guy, I guess I feel it in my heart that quietness is a quality I have, but I am still worried as my husband is very opposite to me, he’s so outspoken. I know he still likes me as he said many times that I make him laugh. But when it comes to romantic words, I am romantically disabled!

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      It’ll give you something to work on, another way to please the man for whom you’re so grateful. Become more grateful for him by pleasing him more, and you become happier. You can’t beat that with a stick.
      Guy

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