2051. Submissive #08 — Virtual Virginity Earns Less Submission


I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. [Guy adds: ]

19. Virtual virginity softens his expectations that she submit to his natural dominance. It enables her to structure their relationship to her liking and suitability for marriage. [Guy adds: Female purity is a minor attraction. It’s all those men—unknown in name and number—that beat him to her, enable her to compare his performance, and cause him to imagine things that plague his memory. On top of that, who, when, why, how, and where will he face them? Men go deeply against their nature when they have to accept facing a man that previously slept with their woman. All the alibis in the world don’t assuage the hurt and perhaps hatred that he has to suppress. It’s most of the persistent grumble or worse that exists between mates when he knows of her sexual history. That modern men seem to accept their women having had previous lovers does not mean it doesn’t affect respect for her. Women loved less than they deserve is a direct function of less respect and seems to be a modern phenomenon, which is a direct reflection of her man’s knowledge and loathing of her sexual past.]

20. In the face of her ardent virtual virginity defense, a man will become or can be lured into an unnatural-for-males submissive spirit, a premarital sign of his devotion to her. The value of long courtship and engagement is this: Whatever dominant/submissive balance they achieve becomes habitual, and such habits structure the marriage. [Guy adds: Consequently, virtual virginity has more inherent influence with men than does actual virginity. True virginal innocence energizes a guy to be more dominant, to not let her escape, to be first. Virtual virginity enables her to shape their relationship.]

21. Recovery is everything. When wife continually acts like the boss, he feels insignificant, and this simultaneously makes her less attractive and other women more appealing. Perhaps unpleasant to accept, but the choice is hers. If she expects to keep him, she needs to sacrifice what is meaningful to him. He gave up his independence for her, so she must pay a price worthwhile to him. And the primal male nature calls submission the price. [Guy adds: When she suppresses her natural bossiness, she opens the door to her submissive spirit, which has far greater potential to bring harmony into their relationship.]

22. Fawning submission to husband produces loss of her self-respect and his consequent loss of respect of her. On the other hand, in-his-face refusals amount to challenging his sense of significance. Repeat refusals put her in the dumpee seat and his hand on the ejection lever. [Guy adds: Nothing works better than patience and indirectness to balance his expectation of submission with her submissive spirit—that thing so embedded in her heart that she is grateful for it. Virtual virginity opens the door to negotiation and it carries forward into marriage.]

23. The smart wife honors her husband’s role such that he doesn’t have to exploit his dominant nature, especially its explosive underside. Loss of temper makes him feel bad about himself (well hidden to be sure), which means he thinks less of her for having provoked it. [Guy adds: Her likeability and marital success depend on what he hears from her mouth. He doesn’t pay attention to what she says simply because he doesn’t like it or her for saying it.]

More will be posted tomorrow about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.

 

7 Comments

Filed under How she loses

7 responses to “2051. Submissive #08 — Virtual Virginity Earns Less Submission

  1. Justina

    Hello Sir Guy!
    I have just stumbled on this article by you and feel blessed to have been guided here. Thank you for being so clear and articulate in your explanation of the male mindset. It is like the fog is slowly clearing.
    Could I ask your advice? I am practicing virtual virginity and I am recently engaged after 2.5 years of dating. I have always endeavoured to be submissive without losing my self respect. But I do often wonder if our relationship is ‘normal’ as I sometimes do not here from him for 3 days, although we always expect to see each other on weekends and enjoy our time together. On a few occasions I have not heard from him for a whole week. He is dedicated to his work and he lives with his parents so I think the time flies by quicker for him than for me as I am living alone (and probably have too much time to think and miss him!) I generally don’t initiate contact but wait for him to text or call me.
    Apologies if I am jumping to the wrong conclusions.
    Thank you again for your wisdom. I look forward to reading your other articles!
    Sweet Justina

    Your Highness Sweet Justina,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Don’t worry about ‘normal’. Worry about making it work for you. Heck, you’re engaged after 2.5 years without yielding sex. It’s a great foundation from what all else you say. However, I have three questions. How old are you all? What kind of plans do you have that involve money? What line of work are you all in?

    Have a great day, darling, the world is your oyster as the saying goes.

    Guy

    • Justina

      Hello Sir Guy

      Thank you for your reply and hope you are having a great day also!
      To answer your questions:
      * I am 33 and he is 36
      * We have not discussed money to any great length. I think the expectation is to reasonably halve all costs as we are both fairly equal financially and when I have children and stop working he will pay for our expenses until I return to work. I am unsure how to bring up the topic of money with him or how to plan about this.
      * I work in finance and he runs a successful manufacturing business with his family (his parents and brothers). His parents (who own the business) appear to be equitable and fair with how the business is run and how each family member is remunerated.

      Some background for context [apologies in advance for the length of this next passage]:
      My fiance has not been married before and I am the first woman he has introduced to his parents. We met online and we are fairly similar in terms of education, finances and views on life. From what I have observed, his parents are very traditional and not overly affectionate to him although I think they would be affectionate to a daughter if they had one. His oldest brother is extroverted and often makes fun of him. This brother often “jokingly” says to him that he should be married with kids by now (“like he is”). His other two brothers are more respectful. His parents are kind and welcoming, as are all his brothers including his extroverted one. Dinners are a jovial affair but I notice my fiance is quiet and introverted unless I or someone else asks him a question. Around our friends and when we are alone he is a totally different person – confident, talkative, happy-go-lucky and good humored.

      The plan for after we are married is for him to move into the house I currently live in and own. Two years ago I bought a small house in a nice suburb. The street has many lovely families with kids and is close to excellent schools and amenities. He owns three investment properties in suburbs that are not as well-to-do and whilst we have not discussed it, I think we both realize if we had to choose between moving to one of his investment properties or the single property I own, raising a family could be more suitable where I live.

      I have mentioned that I am happy with living in any place he thinks we should live, whether it’s where I currently live, or in one of the places he already owns or to buy a new place jointly elsewhere (that will likely not be as well-to-do, although I have not said this). We both consider renting too risky for setting up a family home as a landlord can give notice at anytime after 12 months. His response is that he would like to move to where I live because it makes sense to start a family here and currently the housing market is hyper-inflated. However, I am not sure if he feels somewhat emasculated by this option, although he is adamant this is what he wants to do.

      He is a loving, respectful, hard working man who steps up to his family and business responsibilities. He is very reserved with his feelings and emotions. I think his reservation could be due to not having anyone he feels comfortable to confide in, especially when he was growing up. He confides in me but I know it is not without some hesitation. Once I felt compelled to say to him that it’s ok to tell me anything, I will always love him no matter what and he seemed comforted by this. He treats me with utmost respect and we have never fought. I do wonder how he will be if we fight – probably retreat and need time to be alone I suspect.

      I feel very blessed to be marrying a man I love so much. I have started to read your Make Marriage Work series and feel I can follow your guidance. I have a lot to learn! I am swimming in uncharted waters!

      Many thank yous,
      Justina

      Your Highness Justina,

      Your description is very well done. You’re blessed. All looks well for you. As to your puzzlement, I think it’s caused by one thing: his family’s dominance. He seems to have been coached into the position of paying more attention to them than himself. They hold captive his individualism. He developed such that their pressure, both good and not so good, shaped his character and personality into ‘introvertism’ at home. He’s more confident and independent when away from them.

      He’d rather not displease or disappoint them than do the same for you or any woman. Neither you nor I should be telling him what to do. Only he can determine that. However, I have a few tips that may help you coach your relationship into a brighter future.

      • Put no blame on his family or their influence or even brother’s teasing. If you’re not silent about their influence/pressure/putdowns and the disadvantages of his ‘introvertedness’, he will not someday recognize you and children as more important.

      • His emotional connections with them originated before puberty, which means they will probably last for life. You have to coach him into letting you sit atop that foundation. The best way is to never put yourself in competition with them. He has you and he has his family—and you won’t like this throughout your life—at times they will seem to come first. That’s where your relationship expertise, flexibility, adaptability, and natural ability to coach come in. Do the best you can with what you have where you are at.

      • Without over-expressing it, admire his manly behavior that is independent of his family. Energize his psyche to believe that he’s a very good man when he does right things for you and your children. You depend on him and prefer him alone. Make sure you love his family too, but you admire him more for his distinctly independent approach to life and caring for his own wife and kids.

      • You shouldn’t blame him for wanting to move into your home. It’s the natural thing to do. He only needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things and prepare to fight dragons tomorrow. However, and it’s your price to pay, it slows his emotional conversion from living with them to living with you. Your home is just a shift of living space. Somewhere else of his choosing speeds up his emotional conversion.

      • If you can work it out, by living somewhere else, it puts him in a more independent driver’s seat. So what if your place is nicer than what he owns? He will be more yours when you depend upon him more and he depends more upon himself.

      The crux of whether your future becomes just bright or especially brighter rests here. It’s your way to measure progress as relationship expert and coach.

      • One of his prime motivational forces today is to not displease/disappoint some or all of his family. (Don’t try to figure out who, why, how, or what. It stimulates you to do wrong things.)

      • Dealing with you he may take either of these two options. There’s no way of predicting. However, you will have an influence. 1) Rely on primarily not displeasing/disappointing you. It’s the habit learned with his family, and so he continues expecting the same kind of success that he’s achieved with them. However, the ‘extrovertism’ you describe suggests he will take this second option. 2) Primarily pleasing you for the purpose of not being a disappointment. IOW, he shifts away from negative and fearful thinking and into a more affirming and positive practice that brings joy into your relationship.

      • If you see #1 developing, proceed cautiously and expect years for him to convert to #2.

      • You long for, expect, and deserve #2. When you see it happening that way, praise the Lord and find a gazillion ways to admire what he does along that line. His actions to please you first over his family will program his heart in your favor. It will take time and immense patience and courage for you to muscle your way into his heart without finding fault with him, his family, or his decisions. But you have the time and his presence. His family will slowly realize they operate on memories that no longer matter to him.

      I wish you well and will pray that you do.

      Guy

      • Dove

        I never thought men can be as equally complicated. Sure I can’t understand them sometimes, but I feel like men are more sensitive, and there’s a lot more happening with them than what we women see.

        Your Highness Dove,

        Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

        That’s what this blog is all about. Explaining men to women, so you may want to stick around and maybe even explore the CONTENTS page at blot top.

        Guy

  2. Justina

    Hello Sir Guy,

    I am grateful for your prays and advice. I am hopeful for option #2 but I am willing to wait and be patient if #1 appears to be the option forthcoming.

    Thank you again,
    Justina

    Your Highness Sweet Justina,
    I’m glad it came through as clearly as you seem to take it. Tough to describe.
    Guy

  3. Justina

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Thank you. May I ask you for further advice? My circumstances are such that my close friends are also the close friends of my ex-partner and so myself and my fiancé are often invited to gatherings where my ex-partner is there. He is the one relationship I have had prior to this relationship with my fiancé. We met in high school and we were together for 12 years until I was 29. He proposed when we were 24. He was from a different culture and it was only after we became engaged that we realised we had very different views on how to raise children. We parted very amicably and remained in contact for lunches but nothing more. When he began to date his new girlfriend we decided it best that we stop meeting up altogether and only see each other at group occasions (birthdays etc) of our mutual friends. As this past relationship occurred during my formative years, I made many of my lifelong friendships during this time and these friends are also his lifelong friendships. My fiance knows all this and they have met numerous times at these group ocassions. I think my fiance holds my friends in high regard and also my ex-partner and I think this is a positive reflection on me and the woman I have become (I am not sure my fiance thinks this though, I am only assuming this because he often talks well about my friends when we are catching up with his own friends).

    I am uncertain whether this circumstance is harmful to our relationship. I think it must be, but I also think my friends exemplify what he likes about my character as they are all welcoming, well groomed, good natured and highly successful in their fields – more successful than I am. My fiancé and ex don’t talk much other than cordial hellos and how are yous and they are both overly respectful to each other. I am also uncertain what the etiquette is about whether to invite my ex (and his now wife) to our wedding as he invited me. (I did not feel comfortable to attend their wedding, mainly because I did not know his wife well back then and suspected she would not feel comfortable either and I did not want to be “the talk of the town” with his family so I excused myself saying I had a prior commitment).

    I would be so grateful for your advice in this.

    Thank you,
    Justina

    Your Highness Justina,

    Your fiancé 1) knows your ex but not that he was your previous partner. Or, 2) he also knows he was your ex. I suggest you match the numbers accordingly.

    If 1) — Yes, treat your friends alike. Invite him and spouse as you do the rest of the group. Don’t isolate him as different unless you have to. If he’s marginal to the group, don’t feel obligated to invite him. IOW, it’s his membership in the group that earns his invitation. Don’t mention the partnering unless it comes up with fiancé, and then invite/decline according to his wishes.

    If 2) — Ask your fiancé if he has a preference, if he says no or ‘rather not’ or anything other than ‘definitely’, then don’t invite your ex. Other than the ceremony itself, don’t invite ex to social functions afterward unless specifically desired by your fiancé which you should never expect if 2) applies.

    Regardless, if fiance shows the least bit of reluctance, don’t say another word and don’t invite the ex regardless of what anyone else says or thinks. On that issue, fiancé rules absolutely.

    If you invite the ex, you have to include his spouse. She may choose to solve your dilemma and just keep them away.

    Congratulations and good luck on your upcoming marriage.

    Guy

  4. Justina

    Thank you again Sir Guy! It is 2) that is applicable to my situation.

    Your Highness Justina,
    That’s fine. Can you live it as I suggest? Or does remnant attachment to ex outweigh fiance’s druthers?
    Guy

  5. Justina

    Thank you Sir Guy. I believe I can live it as you suggest. Justina

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