2055. Romance — His Side of the Story


Romance to women is payday for living graciously important lives on behalf of their man. Romance to men is pre-conquest attention and what leads up to and includes foreplay. The gap is huge and requires relationship experts to close it. Although not instinctive to men, women can make it intuitive to them.

Not needful of romance, men don’t easily comprehend the criticality of it in their lives. Even worse, they have great difficulty making sense of it. Thus, men routinely leave women adrift in a sea of puzzlement, anxiety, and doubt about the worthiness of their man.

So, in reality, the male’s shortcoming about romance brings out each woman’s need to improve her man, which is the same as putting the hook of marriage in her mouth. As a man shines brightly as marital candidate, his shortcoming as a romancer makes him even more eligible. She invites herself to change him after the altar. Tsk Tsk! Far better to teach him before conquest.

Men are not eager to participate in romance. They take or find various exceptions:

  • Men suspect they should but can’t master the art sufficiently well to meet female expectations. They can see that certain things make their woman feel romanced. They pick up bits and pieces of the art from other women. But they also pick up the lack of conviction to practice it routinely or steadfastly. They feel guilty for awhile and then forget it.
  • Womanly viewed romance includes the willing exchange of feelings. Just the event thrills women but not men. They have all manner of reasons for not exposing their feelings. The most influential being that they are born that way. Another is that disclosure makes them competitively weaker, which goes against their primal nature.
  • Men dodge romance partially because women push them where they are not ready to go. As women participate, they seem to suck men into faster relationship development than men like. Scary resistance sets in as women try to get commitment before a guy is ready for it. Thus, romancing a woman can become a virtual trap or opportunity to fail or both.
  • Her romantic impatience pressures him to change into her model of what a romancer should be or do. Not being inclined to feel guilty about emotional matters, men simply forget to try very hard.
  • In this day and age, the road to frequent and convenient sex elsewhere is too easy to waste time on female-expected romance. (Dating is virtually extinct on college campuses, and men are the cause but not responsible.)
  • Even if they do romance a woman, they feel vulnerable to being compared to other guys with other women, much like performance in bed. That’s a threat to their competitive reputation with men, which threatens their sense of significance. So, they just try to get by with the minimum of whatever is required to bed her.
  • Because they lack sufficient skill, soft-heartedness, and perceptiveness about romancing women well, men see little opportunity to earn self-admiration.
  • Romancing a woman does not make a man love her more. More devoted to her, yes. But giving or receiving romance plays but a very minor role in his love. His love is based on respect for who she is and what she does plus her likeability to have and be around. Likeability being based on her attractiveness in his eyes and what comes out of her mouth.

Men don’t inherit romantic skills at birth. Women, however, have all the reasons for men to initiate romance, and so they blame men. Blame makes it worse; it excuses women from responsibility for how men treat them. If men don’t know how, why, or when romance is expected, how do they learn? They need to be taught.

Just the term romance reminds men of foreplay and what it leads to. Of course a few other passing signs of attention and affection are necessary to gain a woman’s acceptance. But for the most part, the lead up to and foreplay are a guy’s notion of romance—including husbands of many years.

Many, many men are romantic at heart. Yet, except for greater willingness to try to do right things by women, they haven’t much incentive to express romance. They might embarrass themselves. They might be in the wrong about a woman’s willingness to accept their fumbling for proper words. They are naturally resistant to expose themselves, because it can be used against them and threaten their role as dominant member of a couple. They are even more resistant if women in their culture are typically critical or mean-spirited.

The romantic-at-heart man has many female-friendly traits and habits. Generally, women adore him for it. He has learned the enjoyment of masculine soft-heartedness, which reduces the hard-headedness among females he deals with. He teases young girls and it brings out their prettiness and confirms their importance to themselves. He is sensitive to female sensibilities, eager to find attractiveness in others, appreciates loveliness in natural things, honors her modesty as priceless trait, and proves himself friendly toward others. Mean-spiritedness is either lacking or suppressed among women he deals with.

In the end, the more alpha the male, the less willing to share his innermost feelings. Romantic-at-heart alpha men depend on their actions rather than their words to convey their devotion. Immortalized by Hollywood’s western heroes of yesteryear. Alpha non-romantics specifically hide their feelings behind facades that make body language practically unreadable. They use their hard-headed nature to suppress any soft-heartedness that may creep into their thoughts. Their women can expect romance to mean foreplay, period.

However and forever, the romantic man is still an ardent member of the male gender and fits in with the others. Generally, he also is super-reluctant to expose personal feelings for many manly reasons. 1) He refuses until and except as he detects a woman’s willingness to not laugh, reject, or disdain what he has to say about his deeper feelings. 2) His competitive nature says don’t reveal his full hand to competitors, and each woman is a competitor until conquered by him personally. 3) Even after conquest, to expose his feelings reflects weakness and makes him vulnerable. It lasts until his woman breathes sufficient cooperation into their lives and it converts his spirit from competition to harmonizing with her. 4) His dominant nature says don’t enable a mate to interfere with his dominance, and women have been known to try when they are aware of his deeper feelings. Women are also known to use all the leverage they can muster from receiving new information. In fact, it’s a constant urge residing in each woman’s heart; she can improve him. To do so, of course, is to tamper with his sense of both dominance and significance.

Concluding, men have natural and learned tendencies to not be eager and perhaps even avoid being romantic as visualized in female dreams and expectations. It confirms men as immovable but subject to ever present irresistible force by females. It never ends. She wants better pay for her graciously important life and expects it in romance dollars. His romance earning power is often so poor that he qualifies for under-employed romance insurance, which women provide out of their soft-heartedness, self-gratitude, and patient hope for better romancing ahead.

 

23 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter

23 responses to “2055. Romance — His Side of the Story

  1. Dove

    You’re so spot on with the description of the romantic man. It’s as if you’re describing my boyfriend. Thank you for enlightening us.

  2. surfercajun

    Romantic-at-heart alpha men depend on their actions rather than their words to convey their devotion. Immortalized by Hollywood’s western heroes of yesteryear….. love this!!!

  3. Cocoa

    Sir Guy, I guess now I understand more about me as a female, who is supposed to be craving romance, when I gave no response to the man showing or telling me his feelings (in writing!). I see very well why he would get upset and withdraw.
    But I was wondering could it mount up to mistreating me?! If yes, what should I do? Sit back and wait till he heals on his own, or should I do something?

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    Why would you wonder about his mistreating you? To do so is to subconsciously suggest it as appropriate or expected. You’re thinking negatively instead of positively. Tsk Tsk!
    Guy

  4. Cocoa

    Sir Guy, I am sorry I don’t understand what you mean 😦

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    What made you think he would mistreat you?
    Guy

    • Cocoa

      I thought withdrawing a bit is ok, as you said he went back to lick his wound, but methinks what wound? But reading the above post I guess men really truly get out of their way to say ” I miss you” or “I would do anything to be with you” ! I didn’t know that… I just did not respond I let it go as if he said nothing and continued as my ultra pleasant self.

      I liked/like what he says but I don’t really crave it I go more with what he does for me.

      Mistreating me as in ignoring me, doing things he knows it would upset me and demean me in front of family members! That’s more than licking his wounds. Right?

      What do you see in this picture, sir Guy?!

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      I’ve confused myself. I thought you were married. But you sound like you’re not. Please de-confuse me before we go further. One man or two in play with you.
      Guy

      • Cocoa

        Hello again sir Guy, I reread what I’ve posted and I regret confusing you. However, I am not sure what’s confusing. Is it what my husband says to me? Or is it my response to him? Is it confusing that after 18 years he tells me that? To be honest, I am sometimes confused , I actually think it’s a red flag…

        What’s above is about my husband and yes I am very much married. But you will see or have already seen, that I ask questions sometimes in general to learn. And boy, I am learning and learning and learning!

        From my side only one man in play. From other men’s side, there are multiple men who seems always interested in me. My query about romance is in regards to my husband, who always says nice things but follow with some weird actions, hence my question.
        Please tell me if I am still confusing you.  

        Your Highness Cocoa,

        Thanks. My confusion is gone.

        It’s only suspicion. He may feel disrespected and sexually insignificant from your reluctance to let him romance you. Irked at your responses, he retaliates with what you call mistreatment, his “weird actions.”

        Guy

        • cocoa

          Your suspicions are probably spot on!

          Do you see any link between a man mistreating his wife and him facing issues at work, such as threats and bullying from coworkers?

          Your Highness Cocoa,
          Yep! Men have been known to bring home their work-induced frustrations. Among other reasons, he expects it to be less threatening than unloading at work. That is, it’s a fringe benefit of marriage, and perhaps why she seems to be taken for granted when it happens. So, the question becomes, is he worth it if he unloads on her?
          Guy

          • cocoa

            He in himself is not worth it, for the reason above plus many other. I guess the question is this: if he’s not worth it, what options does she have? After almost 20 years of hard work that she invested everything in making her marriage and her family work. What options does she have?

            Your Highness Cocoa,
            Sorry, I favor marriage too much to look for ways out. That’s for you to find and choose.
            Guy

            • cocoa

              It was a rhetorical question sir Guy and if I didn’t favour marriage and family I would have been out a long time ago, exactly 5 years ago. And there were some very good biblical reasons which would’ve given me some options!

              So if I was looking for ways out I would have done it and not wait for advice. As it was right and my right to do so.

              You don’t need to be sorry. I am sorry.

              Your Highness Cocoa,
              Oops! Guess I don’t read well enough.
              Guy

              • cocoa

                I guess you read well enough and you judge fast enough too.
                Have a great weekend.

  5. Cinnamon

    Romancing a woman does not make a man love her more. More devoted to her, yes. But giving or receiving romance plays but a very minor role in his love.

    Sir Guy, you have confused me with the above sentences.

    As a long-term student of WWNH , prior to reading this article I always thought that devotion and love were more or less the same thing. When she is trying to figure out if a man loves her, she should look at whether his actions show a pattern of devotion, which |I understand to spring out of his respect for her.

    Continuing with the above, his actions of romance if well-received should program his heart to be more devoted to her.

    So where am I getting this wrong?

    Your Highness Cinnamon,

    Good questions. You’re not getting it wrong, just misreading how it works. I regret the lack of clarity.

    A man doesn’t think much of loving a woman. He just does. His love is based on respect for her and her virtues that fascinate him. Virtues—qualities that he admires—such as the attractive and pleasant view she makes before his eyes, her manner of dealing with him respectfully, and his appreciation of why, when, and what comes out of her mouth. All of it is the product of his thoughts and feelings. It’s moot whether she plays an active part in his decision to love her. He makes his own decisions.

    Actions that demonstrate his devotion, including that of providing romance, become signs of his love to his woman. And to some extent they program his heart accordingly. However, both devotion and romance are expressions of love rather than love itself.

    Consequently, she sees the signs and claims he loves her. She may be completely unaware of why he respects her or what qualities he admires. Men are not very eager to explain themselves or divulge their deeper feelings. Women have to read the signs and know how to separate words of commitment from actions that signify devotion. His words may or may not reflect his love. His acts of devotion usually do reflect it.

    Clear enough? Let me know if not.

    Guy

    • Dove

      And us women we think about love a lot and then we act upon that feeling.

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Sir Guy,
      How soon can a woman see signs of devotion from a man when they are first beginning to go on dates? I’m a bit confused about what devotion would look like and when it happens. How can you tell whether an act is just thoughtful or a sign of devotion or are they the same?

      Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,

      What appears thoughtful is an act that pleases him to please you. Devotion arises out of frequent and repeated ways of first pleasing you, say with flowers and small thoughtful presents, and then escalating it to defer to your choices over his, your desires over his inconvenience. His devotion should be evident when he suffers inconvenience to make sure you’re not disappointed or inconvenienced. He responds more to signs that he sees that need masculine rescue than female desires about which he knows little.

      Think on this as a yardstick. To men, a major purpose of money is to bypass inconvenience for efficiency. Eliminating inconvenience and facilitating efficiency for you is a strong indication of a man’s devotion. Of course, that’s not what women prefer; it’s not personal enough. But until taught differently, men think more along those lines than what women expect.

      Guy

      • Dove

        With regard to tasks that need masculine rescue – do we ask assistance directly? Hint at it, and then wait for them to offer their help?

        Your Highness Dove,
        Not just once but repeatedly over time, if hints work he’s devoted to you. If you ask direct and it works, he feels responsible. If you don’t know him, either may work and the easier he reads your need and jumps in to help the more likely he’s a candidate for Mr. Good Enough—or you just may be very pretty.
        Guy

      • Cinnamon

        Sir Guy,

        Would you consider a series on “Signs of Devotion in the Dating Stage”? I think it would be very illuminating. Y

        You’ve covered devotion a good bit over the years particularly in the comments but I think some of us are still a little fuzzy on what it looks like in very concrete terms (i.e. it is to some degree still an abstract concept to us).

      • Cinnamon

        That Horse is Dead,
        In addition to what Sir Guy said, for me, one of the primary signs of devotion during dating is what I call “decisiveness and consistency.” If a man is becoming devoted to you, he will want to be around you frequently and on a regular basis. I am not saying you have to see him 2-3 times a week and be in contact every day, but if he is becoming devoted, his patterns of contact and dating will be regular and predictable (i.e. you will see him every weekend and if for some reason he breaks the pattern, he will let you know why and not leave you wondering). It is the opposite of Vague and Unavailable.

        If a man is devoted you will not find yourself asking yourself, “I wonder how he feels about me” because you will know how he feels without him having to say it.

        Your Highness Cinnamon,
        Well put. You started the ball rolling and I will try to keep it rolling as you request in another comment. It may be a couple of days as my schedule tightens around home sale.
        Guy

    • Cinnamon

      Sir Guy,

      Thank you for such a detailed explanation.

      It’s almost like you are saying that his decision to love is HIS DECISION alone, and she SHOULD NOT cajole or try to manipulate or coax that “love out of him – rather, instead, she should be the best woman she can be, with particular attention to understand how to meet the needs of the male nature and also his specific needs as she picks up on them increasingly through listening to the things he says through his words and actions, and modify her own behaviour accordingly. If she does this successfully, and he decides that he loves her, she will learn of that love when she observes his actions of devotion that flow from that love. If I could sum it up I would say she needs to:
      1. During dating/courtship, be the best woman she can be at all times
      2. Wait and watch.
      3. Continue to be the best woman she can be at all times.

      Finally, thank you for such a thought-provoking article. There is so much here that I have never considered before. I have had to read it several times, and there is no doubt I will return to it again and again, for it is filled with so much wisdom but many of the concepts are very subtle. It is still sinking in! It is absolutely a WWNH CLASSIC.

      Your Highness Cinnamon,
      Re your biggest paragraph, beautifully described. Thank you, darling. I love it when pretty women demonstrate such perspicacity. Actually, I’m amazed at how simple and clear you make it sound.
      Guy

  6. Tinkerbell

    Sir Guy, I have fallen for a guy in his early 50s and I am in my early 30s. Both of us are never married. For a guy who is not married by this age, I mean clearly there has to be something wrong. I am dating him very cautiously. I do like him, and think he is a nice man. But why do you think he never got married? Do you think he has commitment phobia? He told me he wants a long term relationship but without being to specific about marriage. He hasn’t asked me for sex though. We are just dating and seeing each other. Do you think I should continue seeing him, or give up hope that he would eventually want to marry me? Also I want to have kids and think he might be too old.

    Your Highness Tinker Bell,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Ask yourself some questions. I exaggerate in much of what follows merely for effect, to alert you to keep looking and collating things that you observe.

    1. Is he more like your mother or your father? It may explain why you think you’re smitten. Twenty years is a mighty big but not impossible gap in generating a good marriage. My guess: He will be either too controlling or too easy such that he expects you to lead in the many decisions usually made by a strong leader. It’s an aging thing.

    2. How well do you accept and handle dogmatic personalities? He’s set in his ways much more than you in yours, so you will be expected to bend to his will far more than he to yours.

    3. How and who did he live with all those bachelor years?

    4. How does liking a nice man grow into mutual love? See signs of his devotion yet? No words of commitment yet. So, why do you worry about it? Why not enjoy some good dates until you figure out what only you can figure out? (It doesn’t have to remove yourself from the marketplace.)

    5. He’s at or will soon enter mid-life crisis. His decisions aren’t likely to be too well thought out. Give him time to percolate and cool down from dating what to him must be a trophy or cool chick at least. His ego in MLC is boiling, spoiled, languishing, or shot all to hell. He may not settle down his mind and ego for a few years. My major point is this: he’s not easy to measure as to self-respect and dependability now as MLC hits him sooner rather than later.

    6. Is he too old for kids? Not to have but perhaps to raise them. Who has he been living with? It could have shaped his thinking one way or another.

    7. Continue seeing him? You have to figure that out. It could be worth it, it may not. Only you can assess the risk vs. the enjoyment.

    From what you say and only that, I suspect that he’s not into you as a romance object and wife as he is with you as something else and I know not what. IOW, I’m not sure he offers you a brighter future as a husband and father. Perhaps as a platonic friend though, and that’s a good way to test him and find out.

    You got it tough, darling, but you’re blessed with all the heart and mind to work it out to your advantage.

    Guy

    • Lyndeeloo

      Very interesting thoughts, especially regarding mid-life crisis.

      Tinkerbell, please allow me to wish you all the best in your dating life. Your conversation with Sir Guy has me thinking about age difference in dating.

      I’m dating a younger man. He has been the one to pursue all along. The age difference of six years has given me pause–especially in the beginning–but he has been very persistent.. Although he looks older than I do, I’m aware that we may age differently. If things do lead to marriage, I wonder how the age difference could affect a potential MLC down the road. Sir Guy, have you written about how smart wives can best handle their husbands’ MLC? I, for one, think your insights would be very helpful to your readers.

      Your Highness Lydneeloo, (still love that name)

      You have it easier and different from Tinkerbell. Your maturity will help him through MLC, so don’t worry now. (For most people it’s not really the big deal I make it out to be.) You might anticipate it worsening somewhat if it comes on him after about 2 or 7 or 20 years as your husband. Those seem to be weak points in a man’s sense of fidelity. Trophies become more interesting.

      Advice for you: About the time he hits age 50, give or take a few years, have yourself looking as trophy-like as you can, as much like you do now given a little room for wrinkles but not weight, not sloppy attire, and not less smiles and pleasantness.

      No, I’ve not written about MLC other than just a mention here and there. And, no, don’t expect any revelations about mine. Only Pat Boone who went into Hard Metal Rock and spiked clothes did worse than I. Too embarrassing to talk about, but both Pat and I, I think, are unusual. Most men don’t produce such shockers for their wives. Don’t know why Pat and I did so poorly. Yes, I do too. Instead of ambition being calmed by the realization that we’d not produced what we thought we should have done, had burned out our potential, had not achieved the status and stature we longed for, I think Pat and I had some kind of rebirth of it.

      Guy

      • MLaRowe

        I’m so glad I read this. I’m 6 years older than my husband and he did the pursuing. I’m glad to know that I need to be looking out when he hits age 50 although I’m not especially worried right this moment as he is not yet 40. Dear Sir Guy, please someday share everything you can about MLC facts (and don’t worry we don’t need to know all the details that you would rather not relive).

        I don’t think our age difference bothers my husband much and it doesn’t bother me at all. He’s still the man in charge (we call him Big Daddy) and I don’t mind being older. He wasn’t ever intent on “raising me up right” like my Southern mother says so many of the men she knew back in her day wanted to when they married a very young woman.

    • Cinnamon

      Tinkerbell,

      I am just going to add some anecdotal information to Sir Guy’s instructions. With respect to the following:

      For a guy who is not married by this age, I mean clearly there has to be something wrong. I am dating him very cautiously.

      Two points:
      1. With respect to your first sentence, my answer is “possibly but not necessarily.”

      I know two men in their late 50s, both never married. One is a perennial bachelor (I will call him Bachelor A), attractive in certain respects (successful in business, for one, and also highly intelligent and cultured), but after interacting with and observing him over a long period of time I found that he was very self-centered, particularly with regard to his money and never wanted to be inconvenienced in order to assist others. He had at least one long-term “live in” girlfriend (I have no idea why they broke up), but tends now to whine about his loneliness whilst simultaneously declaring on a regular basis that he enjoys living alone (yes, it’s a contradiction) and ogling women 25+ years younger!

      The other man (Bachelor B) is a hardworking, down-to-earth guy who has wanted to marry since his 20s but has found it difficult to find the type of woman he is looking for. A few of his old girlfriends left him for “bad boy”/thug types. In addition to these bad experiences , Bachelor B is wary about marriage because he has seen male friends destroyed financially and emotionally by ex-wives and the corrupt court system. He still wishes to marry, but he is not very hopeful anymore about finding the right woman, and he plays his cards close to his chest (just as described in this article) . I believe he would marry and be an excellent husband if he found an extraordinary woman.

      Interestingly, Bachelor A is a liberal humanist who fancies himself a hip intellectual and thinks “religious people” are backwards, whereas Bachelor B, although also highly intelligent and cultured (though, unlike Bachelor A, he doesn’t toot his own horn about this), is a devout Christian.

      Sir Guy would probably observe that of the two men, Bachelor B lives up to something greater than himself and his own ego.

      My point being, you are right to be cautious, but there really is a spectrum of men who have never married. It is only time and patience that will allow you to discern where a particular man is on this spectrum.

      Your Highness Cinnamon,
      I love it when pretty women complement this blog with such clear headed thinking. Tinkerbell should recognize how blessed she now is with such wise counsel-through-example.
      Guy

  7. Julie

    I have a question…My situation is the opposite my bf is 8 yrs older than me. I’m 24 and he is 32 he talks about marriage, but I have been thinking about the future with him and there are certain things that worry me about him. For example our relationship has been very up and down not very stable. He is not attentive and has never been romantic. He hardly communicates with me or calls me, but when we do he always brings up the conversation about marriage. He is also stingy, not very caring, or supportive of me which makes it difficult for me to trust him. Also another important thing is that he likes to drink, and he is a smoker which bothers me because I don’t want to be direct with him about this problem. Which has me thinking about the future with him, and the possibility of him not being there long enough for our children. I’m looking for Mr Right, but I’m not sure about him.What are your thoughts? Thank you 🙂

    Your Highness Julie,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Let’s start at the bottom.

    1. Quit looking for Mr. Right. Whomever you figure is Mr. Right will disappoint you. By calling him that, you expect far more than you will receive. Screen carefully for Mr. Good Enough. After 20 or so good married years of not expecting Mr. Right perfectionism, you’ll find he has morphed into Mr. Right for you.

    2. Your boyfriend is nowhere near Mr. Good Enough. He’s after a young chick to train his way or you’re his frequent and convenient sex supply, or both. Just being a woman, you deserve better.

    3. He’s not good enough for you to ever father your children. He’s incapable of good husbanding much less good fathering.

    As with all else you read on this blog, you have to figure out what’s best for you. I suggest you read a lot more here. You need to know more about men in order to find Mr. Good Enough.

    You may want to start with the series Virtual Virginity. It’s listed in CONTENTS at blog top.

    Guy

    • Julie

      Yes you’re absolutely right… It’s has been a bit difficult to detach myself from him since he is my first love, but my intuition is telling something is not right about him. He is a shameless and has made cry many times. I would be making a terrible mistake if I marry a man like him. I have not spoken to him over a week. I should be looking for Mr Good enough and not Mr right. I don’t know how to end this relationship I think I should ignore him and not talk to him anymore he deserves no explanation. He will realize on his own that it’s over. Or I was planning on changing my phone number. What do you suggest Guy? Thank you once again I still have a lot to learn.

      Your Highness Julie,

      Trust your instinct and intuition. You have the knowledge in heart and strength in mind to do what’s best for you. When he tries to persuade you differently, neither complain about him nor explain yourself. Just smile and say ‘ended’ pleasantly and as many times as required for it to soak into his already soaked head.

      Change of phone number may be necessary if you’re concerned about how he will react.

      Guy

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