2066. Vanity, Thy Purpose is Great

We’re all naturally self-centered. Beyond a certain point that varies by individual, self-centeredness is unattractive to the opposite sex. Female modesty and vanity in women are justifiable exceptions. Modesty is a woman’s defensive armor to protect her female sensibilities. Vanity is her offensive technique to exploit her prettiness. Men would do the same if necessary. Consequently, they accept such female uniqueness even though it expands female self-centeredness beyond what normally appeals to men. IOW, men have to indulge her modesty and vanity if they hope to get along. By doing so, they invest themselves in her.

Modesty and vanity are inherited at birth. If a man can’t or doesn’t respect and accept those female traits due to his impatience or other traits, he’s too self-centered for her. She needs to discover it early in dating and below I suggest a way.

Modern women use a very poor strategy for capturing a man. They try to make themselves likeable. They do what they think men like, which of course focuses women on sex too. In response to masculine pressures, they also find it necessary to hide their modest nature and abandon their justifiable vanity. Consequently, they gain insufficient respect from men.

When a man likes a woman before he learns to respect her, his mind focuses on bedding her. When a man learns to respect a woman before he learns to like her, he focuses on learning more about her and is willing to put sex in the background. The former guy enables himself to avoid obligation; the male nature just works that way. The latter guy, however, is open to becoming obligated simply because he is willing to earn his way into her heart. The male nature works that way too. She’s captured his attention for learning more about her and drawn his interest to relationship obligations, which is the first step to capturing him for her.

Women seeking to be liked spotlight what they think men want to hear. That thinking keeps a man from finding out who she truly is. Marginalizing and de-personalizing her interest denies him ‘truth in advertising’ and he makes mistakes dealing with her. Not his fault, hers.

Men deal best with women when they know who they are dealing with. Men are direct and expect women to be. Women, being indirect by nature, overdo caution in order to be liked, and men don’t really know who or what they are dealing with. She’s a person but not a known woman, so he has to operate in somewhat of a vacuum. So, heck, take the easy road; push her for sex.

Here’s the crux of it. When a man can’t figure out who a woman is, the vacuum kills likeability. So, women trying to be liked torpedo their own ship.

Now, the suggestion mentioned above. Do the following early in dating and not later than the third date. Without complaining and without explaining further, let every man know two things. Done delicately helps but in no way apologize.

  1. You have female sensibilities and are easily offended. He’ll ask what, and you just respond with something like, “I’m modest and you’ll just have to figure it out.” It will put him on his toes to be more observant of his words and actions. And each little consideration he makes is an investment of himself.
  2. You require extra time to please yourself with your appearance. Tell him, “I always need extra time. You may be inconvenienced, so plan the best you can.”

Note that both bullets describe who you are. Men can deal with that. Without your letting a man know, he will assume you play like other women. Most of them have thrown away both modesty and vanity in order to be liked and popular. So, what’s the foundation for a man’s respect?

A woman does best when men know who she is and seek to step up to her standards. IOW, he earns his way into her heart by investing himself in not offending her. That works where this doesn’t; she goes along to get along, to be liked by him and popular among his buds.

Women are in charge of their destiny, but they have to train men to come along with them. Modesty and vanity earn manly respect. Out of that likeability can grow.


Filed under How she wins

9 responses to “2066. Vanity, Thy Purpose is Great

  1. krysie869

    “When a man can’t figure out who a woman is, the vacuum kills likeability.”

    Sir Guy, I think you called out my problem with men. I don’t think it is my physical appearance per se that discourages men, it is my personality. I am the problem. As difficult as that is to write, I have to acknowledge it. I have seen men stare at me and trying to figure me out and sometimes they would approach me doing the same thing. And nothing. The conversation ends with him abruptly walking away or staring silently before walking off. You said gentle smiles work best, but in my case, this doesn’t always work. Some men would smile at me and then leave or some would not make eye contact although I am dressed modestly.

    My sister on the other hand, gets approached more often. She says “Hi” to men more I notice and that seems to work. Should I start doing that? I have problems with small talk with both men and women and I am sure that is a major factor as well. I can come across as uncomfortable in social situations.

    Your Highness Krysie869,

    Sure, why not copy sis. Just don’t overdo it or outdo her. Improve yourself slowly and pay attention to the positives and not the negs. Try other things too. If you ain’t winning, play differently.

    I empathize about small talk and discomfort. Me too for years. It finally vaporized. But I still don’t care for parties and bigger social events.


    • krysie869

      I also want to say thank you Sir Guy! I wish I can meet you personally and give you a big hug! By far you have been a great influence in my life and improving my chances with both men (and women)!

      Your Highness Krysie869,
      You’re a sweetie. I love it when pretty women find reason to hug me. Reason adds sweetness that greeting and farewell do not. See? To this man, the difference is that I earned a hug from you.

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Your Highness Krysie869,

      I would also suggest to focus on the self-gratitude posts. If you anticipate the awkwardness, men (and women) pick up on this and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. A better way may be to appreciate the quiet nature God gave you, yet also try new methods of communicating. I was so shy as a child I couldn’t even talk to my grandparents! Pushing myself into situations that were out of my comfort zone has helped me, such as teaching a group of Sunday school kids, volunteering at food drive where I knew no one, going door to door to deliver groceries to families in need, asking someone if I can pray for them, taking a speech class, asking a question in a group setting, or calling a female acquaintance to go grab a coffee together. As Sir Guy says, “action cures fear.”

      Your Highness That Horse is Dead and Krysie869,
      I’ve expanded it. Action cures everything as long as it’s different than before.

      • Krysie869

        Thank you The Horse Is Dead,

        I am actually preparing to volunteer at my church starting next week Sunday so hopefully that could help me overcome my social anxiety. I notice that children pick up my awkwardness too, both male and female. I will try my best not to anticipate my awkwardness or rejection as I often do. I wish I was told this years ago.

  2. Another great post.


  3. That Horse Is Dead

    Sir Guy,

    How should a woman handle an activity where swimming or bathing suits are involved and a man of interest is there? I see women in mixed company in bikinis and I’m not comfortable with it at all. I don’t like the idea of “hanging out” even with a one piece unless I’m in the water and of course, you must disrobe to get into the water. Am I being hyper-modest? What should a woman do if a man she is seeing wants to do a swimming activity, either alone or with a group/family?

    Your Highness That Horse is Dead,

    Wear the most modest suit in the crowd. Don’t worry about man of interest. He will not use you as the most appreciated sex object, which means that whatever interest he turns your way will be aimed at you and not sex. It’s a decision you want him to make sometime, why not at the pool? Modesty is a standard admired by all except men trying to get women in bed and female competitors who feel outcompeted in other ways.

    Make yourself comfortable by being the most modest. Claim the high ground for yourself and neither explain nor apologize for yourself and don’t complain about the immodest. Let your appearance make your statement and be proud of yourself. You matter most and man of interest will qualify or not over the way you act and talk more than how you appear. Let your personality shine since you’ll be comfortable in heart and mind.

    Of course good and stylish taste in swimsuit is important.

    Good luck, darling, I’d love to observe you shining at the top of your game.


  4. Miss Gina

    Sir Guy, I think the way you explain the good side of some traits that are generally considered bad, specifically female vanity and male pride, is interesting. I suppose both of them, when healthy, are really more about self-respect than a wicked type of pride, although we ought to watch for that.

    From my reading of older literature, I have gathered that healthy self-respect was taught to children more in past years than now. Manners of the past had intricate codes and boundaries to protect the self-respect of all parties. It’s certainly food for thought, as we can only truly love others as much as we love ourselves.

    Your Highness Miss Gina,
    True, and only respect others as much as we respect ourselves and ditto for gratitude and self-gratitude.

  5. MLaRowe

    Love the swimsuit advice. Annette Funicello was always dressed in the most modest swimsuits (no matter what the popular style was). I believe that was part of her contract. I always admired that. Still a real beauty but not an in-your-face sex object.

  6. Cinnamon

    Marginalizing and de-personalizing her interest denies him ‘truth in advertising’ and he makes mistakes dealing with her. Not his fault, hers.

    Men deal best with women when they know who they are dealing with. Men are direct and expect women to be.

    Women, being indirect by nature, overdo caution in order to be liked, and men don’t really know who or what they are dealing with. She’s a person but not a known woman, so he has to operate in somewhat of a vacuum.

    Sorry but I’m a little confused by these sentences. Are you saying that she tries to be likeable by suppressing natural modesty and vanity and that this is dishonest?

    I thought men did better when women were more mysterious – when they DON’T know who they are dealing with – because it inspires them to find out for themselves. But the above quotes seem to imply the opposite.

    Or are you just saying that modesty and vanity are the only two things that she SHOULD be more direct about (while remaining indirect about everything else).

    Your Highness Cinnamon,
    Great inquiry. Thank you. I respond with today’s post, 2067.

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