2075. Liked or Respected, Which is Best?

Dealing with men or their man, there are two kinds of women. Some seek to be liked and others to be respected. The former learn to live with continuous dislike of themselves; they look back continuously. The latter work to earn respect and behave as if they are respected; they don’t have to look back.

The difference determines how men perceive them by subliminally reading their attitudes. Men believe in and rely on their perceptions, especially what they see. A person’s attitude is the most obvious expression of what resides in their hearts and it’s virtually visible to the subconscious mind of men—though not as good as women read it.

Wanting to be liked works directly against a woman’s best interest. She misses out on being respected, which is the foundation of man’s love. Her attitude reveals a sense of inadequacy, which reveals lack of self-respect, which makes her unable to respect men as they expect it, and which discourages a man’s respect of her. Her begging for attention makes her annoying. Her sense of near or complete desperation scares men away; she’s unpredictable to male eyes.

Seeking to be liked also prompts women to explain themselves, which arises from their sense of inadequacy. They also complain too easily, which is prompted by feeling treated less than they deserve, which is prompted by the need for confirmation of their self-importance. When they don’t get the reactions they expect, both their self-image and self-worth plummet, which prompts more complaining and explaining.

The other kind of woman works independently to her own advantage. She seeks to be respected as a person, woman, mother, and her other roles and in that order. As a person she doesn’t look down on others. As a woman she holds her head high and stands up for herself to men. As a mother she insists that father defer to her as prime leader of her children. As a housewife she determines how and by whom housework will be done. As an employee she determines the value of her work effort relative to her responsibilities at home. And on and on through her other roles.

She latches onto and replenishes her spirit with inborn strengths, such as female modesty, feminine vanity, mirror-enhanced prettiness, monogamous spirit, relative meekness, submissive spirit, and extra respect for those that earn it. All used to get her way in matters dealing with her moral, ethical, and religious standards and expectations for the others around her. She will not win all the battles, but it’s the standing up for herself that wins the wars with each guy including husband.

The respectable woman is a proactive member of the superior sex and can capitalize on it as long as she doesn’t claim that as her inheritance. IOW, as long as men don’t hear it from her mouth.

The self-fulfilling prophecy works in both cases. The harder one woman tries to be liked, the more her self-like declines. She gets feedback opposite to that she longs for. The more the other woman works to sustain or improve her respectability, the more affirming feedback she gets from all men and especially her own.




Filed under Dear daughter

10 responses to “2075. Liked or Respected, Which is Best?

  1. Rachel

    This article hits the nail on the head. You have put into words the very nature of my own life. I have been on the other side of “over-explaining” and then about 4 years ago, I just stopped. I don’t owe anyone an answer and probably won’t convince them anyway! Over these years, I have become solid and sound inside because I stopped the defensiveness.
    And yes, I measure everything I do (work-wise too) with the home in mind. I am wife and mother, than work, but I’m fortunate to work by my husband’s side in a ministry of 60 Men. I am the “lady of the house” so to speak, and yes I need their respect or it will be trouble.

    • surfercajun

      Rachel…. I really appreciated what you said today. I like to think in terms of …. (now please, no haters) Morticia Addams… calm, cool and collected. (character only) …Angela Houston character because she knits. ..sorry, don’t know that much about the original one. Did she knit too?

  2. surfercajun

    The self-fulfilling prophecy works in both cases. The harder one woman tries to be liked, the more her self-like declines. She gets feedback opposite to that she longs for. The more the other woman works to sustain or improve her respectability, the more affirming feedback she gets from all men and especially her own.

    for some reason I was thinking of facebook, twitter, and instagram accounts. How do you see this, Guy? To me, all these *likes* seem somewhat false especially when it is just a picture or continuous pictures of themselves. (as opposed to…this is my sister i have not seen in 5 years or my best friend I lost touch with…do you know what I mean?) if not that, I find it rather debilitating and above all, sad and lonely. What are they going to be like in their 40’s or 50’s? 60’s? Will public opinion hold sway over a husband or perhaps boyfriend. Will it ever be enough for them?

    …just wondering mostly.

    Your Highness Surfercajun,
    I think your wondering is spot on. I’ve not yet figured out how, but I’m betting that the social media phenomenon moves women further away from being highly respected by men.

    • surfercajun

      (my spouse responded in a quick email)

      I would agree.

      The more and more they, “The Selfie” women move themselves from a person to be respected and put on a petal-stool, to a thing to be ogled. They stop being a person and become an object. Once that happens, they become angry and disrespectful of men just because they though this would get them a man. Instead, they shoot themselves in the foot looking for shortcuts.

  3. Gita

    I love how this ties into something I am currently experiencing. I find myself wanting to always explain, especially if the man opens the door to conversation.

    1) How do you tell the difference between “explaining” oneself and “communicating” how you feel….is there a fine line between the two??

    2) Could also give an example of, “The respectable woman is a proactive member of the superior sex and can capitalize on it as long as she doesn’t claim that as her inheritance. IOW, as long as men don’t hear it from her mouth.”?? I find myself doing this but I do not know how to actually demand that respect without verbally demanding it.

    3) For example, A man will come and apologize to me about missing in action for some period of time. Explaining his situation and what not, but don’t get me wrong. I understand things come up but I also feel like you should also display the fact you want to make amends, not just say it.

    ❤ Gita

    Your Highness Gita,

    I numbered your questions and respond accordingly.

    1) As used here, explaining is justifying yourself to someone else. Fine line? Yes. You feel a need to justify your actions, motives, or words.

    2) This is the salient point. Don’t use “superior sex” with a man. Don’t throw that reality in his face. He will likely take it upon himself to prove you wrong. Who knows where that might lead?

    3) You’re right. His sincerity can only be proven with actions.


  4. MLaRowe

    It would be nice to be both liked and respected but that may be asking too much since one can’t please everyone all the time. So yes, I agree that respected is a more worthwhile pursuit and I hope my choices show this.

    If I’m doing what I feel is best for myself and my family then if someone doesn’t understand or misinterprets my actions that really isn’t my problem.

    I believe that the truth comes out in the end.

    So thank you for pointing this out, that we are to hold ourselves to a higher standard, one of respectability.

    That’s more attainable anyway. Trying to force people to respond to our presence one way or another doesn’t work since we have no control over that.

    Your Highness MLaRowe,

    You may have missed this point. The two terms effectively are mutually exclusive especially to girls and women hoping to find and capture a man.

    Well, to soften that a bit, if not mutually exclusive then the strategies work against one another.


    • “You may have missed this point. The two terms effectively are mutually exclusive especially to girls and women hoping to find and capture a man.”

      Even with the softened language, I don’t think I’ve considered this before. This seems like an example of how naming a concept enables you to see it clearly. Could it be that seeking to be likable and seeking to be respectable work against one another because seeking the latter encourages one to enforce boundaries and the distinction between one’s own interests and those of others, whereas the former encourages one to weaken boundaries and compromise self-interest in order to get along with others?

      Your Highness Denise,
      Well done. That’s how it works and clearly described.

  5. Miss Gina

    The description of the woman trying to be liked reminded me of a boy in my grade in elementary school. As a woman, the memory helps me to see how males evaluate others.

    This boy was always unhappy that he wasn’t liked by the other boys. He whined. He picked fights. He never seemed to have friends, which caused him to feel bad, which caused him to complain and get in the faces of the other boys, which made him unlikeable.

    It’s funny, but the girls didn’t respect him, either. I certainly hope he got that personality thing worked out eventually. It was a picture of misery.

  6. Yani

    Can you please clarify something for me Guy? I think I am a respectable person who fills her time in a respectable way ie. Raising children, keeping our home., but not in the paid workplace. From time to time I find I have to be quite direct in saying to my husband, in effect “I am a good wife and I think I deserve better treatment from you”. He does not seem to mind such straight talking occasionally. He is such a hard worker that he forgets we exist or that we want more from him, like conversation, attention, time, tenderness. As an engineer he is more comfortable with machines, so I give him some latitude, but could I be doing more harm than good? I’m not barking at him, but I do feel the need to put things into words, not claiming superiority but at least trying to get on to his list of priorities. I would appreciate your perspective.

    Your Highness Yani,

    You do right telling him that you deserve better. However, since you repeat yourself, you get only a temporary ‘fix’. Right? So, I conclude that you’re doing it slightly short of what you need.

    I suggest this. Forget his shortcoming. Focus your efforts on bringing more joy and fun spirit into the home. Uplift dad to the kids and insist they pay more attention to his interests. More respect and not just for him but what he does at work, what was his boyhood like, and things like that. At the same time, work to uplift your spirit to having more fun in life and home such that he wants to join in for more of it. Even engineers like to break from machine routine, when they see room to enjoy themselves.

    Accept him where he is, push kids to do the same out of respect, and harmonize the family more than now. The key lies within you alone. Quit thinking about what you don’t have (especially from hubby) and concentrate on those things and people that make you feel grateful. Find more gratefulness within yourself and watch joy grow in the family.


    P.S. Whatever problems you hit him with at home, back off and work harder to solve them yourself. Make his return from work glorious rather than laborious to his spirit and morale.

  7. Dear Sir Guy,

    Men are never more handsome when they uncover a crucial element of social interactions.

    I read this a while back & have been thinking how true it is, even amongst females. I think sometimes girls can be meaner and treat me with less respect than I deserve as compared to guys (at least in my experience), especially because they’re jealous.

    I had a close friend who was always rather envious of my ballerina figure, who always commented on how slim I was. However, recently she has got an extremely prestigious white-collared job at the largest firm (in that industry) – and I have decided to work for a non-profit. I realised recently she tends to want to speak/share her views but does not give me room to do likewise. Maybe it is my fault because I was trying too hard to be liked by this close friend, but she ended up showing even more disrespect & disregard for me. After spending time with her, I used to feel slightly inferior about myself, even though I am actually the more pretty & attractive one.

    After I read this article, I now understand why my efforts to be liked backfire and make people treat me badly instead. By not enforcing my boundaries whilst dealing with people in general, even my friends, and bending over backwards to accomodate them & their whims, they just take me for granted & disrespect me as a person.

    I thank you Sir Guy, for helping me get a backbone, stand up straight and regain a spring in my step. I won’t allow anyone – mostly girls – to make me feel horrendous about & sorry for myself. I am incredibly grateful to God for all the blessings I have now. (:

    Your Highness Joey,
    Well said. Keep your ballerina figure and men will still be chasing you at age 60.

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