2076. Show Him Respect, Gratitude, Dependence

Miss Gina and Cinnamon at post 2074 asked for an expansion on this subject.

How to show appreciation, respect, gratitude, and dependence to her man? A dozen ways follow. But first a few pointers about men.

First, men appreciate unearned gifts very little and not to the extent that women expect or intend. Therefore, a woman’s intentions go largely unrequited because she measures him by female standards, expectations, and behaviors.

Second, if her man does what he expects of himself out of duty or responsibility, any gift doesn’t count for much. It includes ‘thank you’, which is too routine, unneeded, and lacks significance to him. He didn’t earn anything; he had to do it because it was his job, responsibility, custom, or habit.

Third, three examples of outcomes: He mows the grass regularly and after each she responds in one of three ways. 1) She says thank you in passing if at all, and he shrugs. 2) She says thank you while face to face, eyeball to eyeball, and he says okay. 3) She hands him a towel to wipe the sweat, leads him to his favorite seat, says sit, gets him a beer and chips, sits in front and smiles freshly, and acts as though he’s in armor and sitting a white horse. (Obviously hyperbolic but you get the drift. Play acting to some extent? Yes, but the actions stimulate the self-fulfilling prophecy affirmatively. He can’t miss her message. She appreciates him even more than what he does.)

Why doesn’t he appreciate the first two outcomes? Because he doesn’t think he earned anything; just did what he’s supposed to do. Another duty isn’t a big deal; he does it regularly and more for himself than her. Hence, he doesn’t convert her intentions into respect, gratitude, or dependence. She may intend it but her message doesn’t get though.

Now, consider the third option. Does he feel appreciated? Well, that’s good enough. That’s what a wife is supposed to do. She recognizes his worth, which just confirms his expectations. So all is well, grass is mown, and beer is cold. He’s satisfied and can begin preparing his thoughts in order to win tomorrow’s battles. Therefore, he’s either respected, she’s grateful for him, or she depends on him or all of the above. In any event, he sees that she appreciates him AND what he just did.

Now, the real question for you ladies is this. Do you want to be pleased with mown grass or a pleased husband? Which is more important to you? If he’s just pleasing himself, he can get any woman to say thank you. Men like to rescue women in distress because her rewards are unique, different, and not routine. Even a stranger’s thank you is unique since it comes from a different face. Where’s your uniqueness? Your dedication to who he is rather than just what he does? You should recognize that he likes to accomplish things that bring satisfaction before you even think to show appreciation.

Here are specific ways to show appreciation, respect, gratefulness, and dependence and confirm it routinely. Show that you’re grateful for him, which means that you’re also important to him, which means that his feedback is likely to be more favorable to you.

  1. In the company of a woman, regardless of subject, a man expects her to listen to him. Take away her ears—disinterest, distractions, distance in comprehension—and you take away his interest in her.
  2. Show respect for his ability to think by gently nudging him to clarify things a little more. Not too much though; you don’t want to outshine him on subjects over which he thinks he has mastery.
  3. From time to time remind him how you admired him in courtship. Even mention a few small things that made you choose him.
  4. Pay attention when he speaks. Listen closely until you can comment in ways that signal you heard him. Not to pass a direct compliment but an indirect one; that you think he knows what he’s talking about. IOW, exchange thoughts without causing disagreement.
  5. Find other ways to show gratitude without saying thank you for his doing things that he considers duty or responsibility. Indirectness is best and actions are better than words. He values more highly what he sees, just as she values more highly what she hears.
  6. Stare at him sometimes with a big smile. When he asks what, smile bigger say nothing, but maybe nod your head favorably and change the subject pleasantly or wander away as if enthralled by his presence. He can see that his presence makes you happy.
  7. When you’re awaiting a response or on something to happen, do it patiently and lean against his shoulder while you wait. Make it routine but not bothersome to him. Gently, just ‘touching base’ while you wait.
  8. Every day make it a habit to identify and tell him about one thing for which you are grateful for him or what he does. Just out of the clear for no apparent reason.
  9. You can shift more easily from work to home than he. So, don’t rattle and prattle all of your day events until you’ve given him time to unwind, shift his thoughts from work to home, and turn to you for attention.
  10. Don’t pry into his business. Inquire innocently and be grateful for whatever he shares. It’s not you. His competitive spirit keep him from exposing anything that can be used against him. It’s instinctive. (Oh, you love him and you never would do that, right? How about this? He suggests that he’s up for a pay raise. Weeks pass. No raise. You nag. No raise. After awhile you suspect something is wrong. You nag for him to approach his boss. He doesn’t. You fuss and then tire of fussing. You hold it against him. In effect, you disrespect him to handle it. You’re not grateful for him because he won’t fight for himself as you think he should. You depend less on him because your mind has already decided what will be done with the extra money. And you say you’d never use such information against him? In this scenario, how respectful have you been? Grateful for his actions? Dependent on his judgment?)
  11. He’s not the multi-tasker that you are. Cut him some slack. Show gratitude for what he does rather than what you can do or do better.
  12. And it’s still my favorite. No doubt because I coined it. “Men are never more handsome than when they please their wife/lady/friend/lover (vary the options). Make it as routine as thank you has been for so many years and with such little effect on men.

In the end, his happiness in the home is shaped mostly by her attitude, sense of happiness, and pleasant demeanor toward him. With those in place, all’s right with his world—or at least that’s the way he’s made at birth.


Filed under Dear daughter

7 responses to “2076. Show Him Respect, Gratitude, Dependence

  1. surfercajun

    Stare at him sometimes with a big smile. When he asks what, smile bigger say nothing… CHECK!!! :o)

    Wow, this was like the ten comments of respect for men with bonus content!

  2. Miss Gina

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Men are never so handsome as when they help a lady wrap her mind around the mysteries of masculinity. 😊

    1) Am I correct in understanding that a general attitude of respect, dependence, and gratitude demonstrated by actions (show, don’t tell) are more important than words to a man?

    2) Also, that one way of demonstrating appreciation is making him comfortable or refreshing him in a uniquely feminine way, though he can do it for himself? My husband usually refuses my attempts, but maybe I can notice better what he would enjoy.

    3) Much food for thought, experimentation, and implementation!

    Your Highness Miss Gina,

    I numbered your questions.

    1) Yes. Disregarding content and context, what he sees is more important than what he hears. Just as your ears are the sensor you depend on more, his eyes fill that role.

    A lesson about life: A successful marriage depends on what he does to, for, and about her, and why, when, and what he hears her say to and about him. IOW, they judge each other more by depending on secondary rather than primary sensors. Developing the habit of judging each other that way is the essence of a good courtship and why the longer the courtship the better. It takes about three months to successfully develop such a new habit and then months to strengthen it.

    2) His refusals hit him three ways. First, he’s independent enough to care for himself on details you might use to comfort him. Second, he hasn’t earned what you seek to give. Third, he isn’t eager to change to accept your new effort to please him.

    Another lesson about life: Men don’t care much to be pleased except with ideas that they originate, initiate, or grow to like in dating and courtship that helps make a woman unique. They just don’t like surprises as women do.

    3) Yes, you have to figure out what works for you and your man. Use trial and error and weigh cause and effect. Let your indirectness and his feedback be your guide.


    • Miss Gina

      Thank you, Sir Guy. It is taking me a little time to get used to following up on comments. I’ll make good use of this information.

      I particularly like the connection you made here between the two concepts of “men don’t like surprises” and “men like those things that are their ideas.” It really helped expand my understanding.

  3. Amada

    I have question I decided to cook for my bf because he mentioned that when he gets home it’s usually kinda late, and he is hungry. He told me he was a bit sick for 2 days but he is better now. I’m a selfless person and I care a lot for the people I love. So I decided to cook for him and bought some medicine, first aid personal kit and tissues just in case he is gets sick he has those things available to him right when he needs it. It felt good doing that for him, he said thank you and felt cared for and that he loves me. Days after that he blocks me for social media site for no apparent reason he didn’t want to explain his reasonings , he wasn’t responding my texts and he called once a week. When I called he would pick up when he wants. He was not being attentive of me or showing effort. I have a feeling he is talking to some other girl behind my back. I feel so heart broken because I never did any those things to a guy a like a lot. And it was the first time I cooked for him which he said he enjoyed it and was delicious. I really don’t know why he behaves this way, his behavior has been unstable before and he wanted me to give him another chance and reconcile to make our relationship work again which I did. I don’t know why is this way with me.I haven’t contacted him or spoken to him in person since that day. I’m so confused. What are your thoughts? What do suggest I do? Thank you guy

    Your Highness Amada,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    First, he’s not your bf. That’s your wrongful conclusion. Unless I guess wrong, you are booty and he has tired of that. You’re probably right, he has a new gal.

    Second, ditch him completely before he does that to you. Put him back in the parade for other women to straighten out at their expense. You’ve already spent too much time, effort, and money trying to fix up what is too broke for you.

    Third, your heart is true but your mind needs an overhaul. You missed too many red flags.

    Fourth, you need a whole new strategy for dealing with men. Start at post 2075. Quit looking for boyfriend or Mr. Right. Go to CONTENTS page and study these series in this order. Virtual Virginity, Boob Language, Chaste Courtship Works, and Beware Red Flags. Then continue reading articles as titles catch your interest. You can’t get too much information. God gave you the instinctive ability to handle men to your advantage, but you’ve not been using it. That needs to change and reading the blog will help.

    Fifth, remember this. You can’t like or even love a guy into liking you. He has to earn your love or he won’t stick around. Which means you should be more passive. Why? Because without proactively earning you, he never convinces himself that he’s doing the right thing for himself by pursuing you for yourself rather than just for sex. Without that self-conviction, respect for you grows insufficiently for it to grow into lasting love.


    • Amada

      Thank you, I tried to take him to church too but nothing works. He mentioned before he’s been in several relationships before that’s a red flag!. He is much older than I am 24 and he is in his early 30’s. I know I have to walk away for good this time. l’ll read what you suggested. I have work on myself and learn from my mistakes. Thank you, guy.

      Your Highness Amada,
      You’ll see. Those are words of magic: I have work on myself and learn from my mistakes.” Happy reading.

  4. Cinnamon

    I forgot about this article. It is awesome.

  5. Anonymous Wife

    Sir Guy,

    You wrote “Every day make it a habit to identify and tell him about one thing for which you are grateful for him or what he does. Just out of the clear for no apparent reason.”

    Can you clarify how and why it is different than thanking him after he does something? If he appreicates what he sees more than what I say…and doesnt appreciate unearned gifts…isn’t a compliment out of the blue both of these?

    Your Highness Anonymous Wife,

    1st para: Think historically. Recall a certain thing he did or said in the past. You’re grateful that he did or said it.

    It doesn’t have to be worded as compliment, thank you, or gift. Just a passing memory of yours, that, incidentally, reminds your heart that you are a grateful person.


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