2101 — Compatibility Axioms #551-560


551. Christian men complain that young women and girls dress so seductively for church that they discredit God and steal male attention away from church teachings. Church-going men usually make good husbands, but they must be proud of how their wife appears in public. [200]

552. If she doesn’t dominate the courtship agenda, she won’t have much power in any other arrangement—except separation. [201]

553. “We are mutually co-dependent,” she imagines. Women think or hope that men are like females in their thinking, habits, and urge to constantly be together—wrong! [201]

554. If she does not like herself and love being a female, she will not appreciate any man for very long—except the older, father figure. [201]

555. If she stands for nothing but the popular and fashionable, she will fall for what’s new—including another man. [201]

556. If women don’t condemn what embarrasses them, they undermine their self-respect and miss opportunities to gain the respect of men for female sensibilities. [201]

557. Marriage boils down to this: She chose him. As the relationship expert, she’s responsible to qualify him and place value on whatever he’s selling. Then, as the buyer, she makes whatever adjustments are necessary to live with what she ‘purchased’. [201]

558. Modern women use sex, hope, and loving affection to bond their future with a man. But the multitude of short relationships shows that it doesn’t work very well. [201]

559. Instead of making men prove they are worthy of her as the buyer and him as the seller, modern women reverse those roles in order to have a boyfriend. They consider the present more important than the future, which is the male and not female priority of life. [201]

560. Men highly value female virtue. The promise of eventual conquest of a virtuous woman adds honor to his manly persona and significance. But it’s up to women to demonstrate the qualities that men admire and decide are virtuous. [202]

 

10 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter

10 responses to “2101 — Compatibility Axioms #551-560

  1. Krysie869

    Sir Guy,

    I am a bit curious about what the criteria is to a man if he were to determine whether a woman is booty or dumpee? In either case, I would assume that he perceives the woman as virtueless or nearly so.

    Your Highness Krysie869,

    It’s a matter of whether he wants to have her available as backup when he wants sex or whether she’s disposable from the get go.

    No, not without virtue but without enough to be more than booty or dumpee.

    Guy

  2. I appreciate the common sense you espouse on your blog. But I would modify the following statement. (Perhaps it is just my experience.)

    “Christian men complain that young women and girls dress so seductively for church that they discredit God and steal male attention away from church teachings.”

    I believe that such women, rather than discredit God, actually discredit themselves – as their presentation/attire is either: a) an effort to make themselves the object of attention, rather than correctly submit to the Lord’s lead, or b) a desire to imitate a man – act like a man, walk like a man, talk like a man, wear pants like a man.

    That said, another comment you made, says it all; it is foundational to the whole discussion:

    “Men highly value female virtue.”

    Ladies who get this one right will have a lot of choices.

    Sir Outstandingbachelor,
    You’re right, they don’t discredit God but Christian men see it as that kind of reflection.
    Guy

  3. Stacey

    Hi Sir Guy

    I have been reading your blog for a long time now and feel enough courage to ask you a question that I hope you would consider answering. Thank you for your blog and your continued education of us ladies.

    My question is this:

    I am not certain of my fiance’s devotion to me but not sure if I am over reacting or justified in my feelings. I believe I have his commitment but a small part of me is concerned he is marrying me for convenience. His family (including his parents) and his circle of friends are all married and very frequently do romantic things for their wives. They share these stories with us so I believe he is not uneducated about how to deliver romantic gestures or unaware of the value that a woman places on small acts of thoughtfulness.

    I do recognize that his male family and friends are more thoughtful than the “typical” man/husband who may find similar romantic gestures difficult to execute. With this in mind I have never indicated to him that I wish for the same level of romancing and try to find ways to be grateful for what he does do for me (for example, picking me up before we go out (we don’t live together)). He has bought me flowers once for which I showed him how especially grateful I was. Although I later found out that he did so because his friend had told him to after a conversation they had had about how little he does for me (my fiance does not know that I know this and I have continued to credit him for the flowers to his family/other friends).

    However recently I have become uncomfortable with a few things. For example, at the end of an evening out with his friends he won’t walk me to my car unless his mate insists on it. On three occasions when we have been out with my friends at a celebration he won’t offer to drive my girlfriend home and if I ask him if it is ok to drop her at the nearest train station on our way he will do so but I feel embarrassed that he is not gentlemanly enough to ensure that she will get home safely. The inconvenience to him is at most 10 additional minutes driving. I have never expected him to go out of his way to drive a friend home and if I feel there is the possibility that a girlfriend will need a lift home that is more than a 5/10 minute drive I will help her call for a taxi so I don’t put him in a position where he feels obligated to. When he drops me home he doesn’t wait until I am safely inside my building before driving off although he has observed me waiting for his friend to safely be inside her building when I am the driver. He expects me to accompany him to dinners with his friends but does not always come out to dinner with my friends.

    My confidence is unwavering around him and I am always positive and happy-go-lucky around him and around everyone else but I feel that I have to pretend harder now to make it appear that I am not affected by this. I am concered it could be even harder to pretend I’m fine once we are married as will be around all the time. I recognize that if his close family and friends did not do such romantic things for their wives so often I might feel our relationship was normal. But it is hard to disassociate the feeling when I know he has had the privilege of being raised surrounded by such loving and wonderful people.

    I am not as glamorous as his friends’ wives – could this be less motivation for him to be romantic towards me? I do do mirror time in the morning and I am always neat and presentable. I practice virtual virginity and he is respectful of me about this – could it be that he is trying to reclaim some of his masculinity because I have “taken away” his opportunity to display his masculinity in the bedroom until we are married? Otherwise, a part of me feels sad that he may not think I am worth his energy or time to romance.

    Anxious,
    Stacey

    Your Highness Stacey,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    As you describe his behavior, he seems to treat you more out of a sense of duty than his respect for you and your likeability to him. IOW, he doesn’t want to be odd man out among family and friends; that is, no girlfriend, fiancée, or wife.

    It shouldn’t necessarily disqualify him, but you can expect his behavior to not get much more romantic UNLESS after marriage for a few years he discovers that he likes being devoted to you because you are much more valuable in his life than he ever expected. But that too is more unlikely than likely to happen.

    If my next two sentences accurately describe you, then I may have some advice. You don’t want a married life with no more devotion and affection than you currently experience with him. IOW, he either changes more to suit your taste before marriage or you don’t want him.

    Then, let your competitive dominance emerge. Let him know you’re disappointed. Reveal as few details as possible but make them have to do with his lack of consideration for you and others. Don’t reflect discredit on his significance or ability to admire himself. Let him know you’re not recognized as important enough as a woman much less as his fiancée. You’re just dissatisfied being his fiancee. Let him figure out how to upgrade your dissatisfaction.

    You have gentlemanly standards for boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands.
    He could brush up on his habits. Take the blame off him and blame your peculiar expectations for romance, affection, and obvious importance and especially among others.

    If he responds grudgingly and with minimal effort, then he ‘inherits’ a new duty and marriage won’t be brighter and could be duller. He’s not very fearful of losing you.

    If he responds with honest attempts — not just to please you — but to make you feel better about yourself and upgrade his worth to you, then your future brightens. He’s pretty fearful of losing you.

    It’s a high risk tactic. Be prepared for him to revolt and perhaps desert you. If he can’t abide your wishes now, he won’t after marriage either.

    The one most fearful of losing the other will most likely acquiesce to the wishes of the other, so he has to face the thought of losing you before he makes any changes in himself.

    Guy

    • Krysie869

      How can a woman tell if a guy does something for her because it’s his duty or because he respects her and wants to be around her? How can a woman tell if a guy greatly fears losing her? Can you give examples.

      I think in my case the problem I am having is to get men to greatly fear losing me. I often sense a lack of respect from both men and women both strangers and family members, regardless of how I behave.

      Your Highness Krysie869,

      Let’s work your situation backward.

      You say, “I often sense a lack of respect from both men and women both strangers and family members, regardless of how I behave.” That’s a strong sign that you fear losing them, and so you keep trying harder to please them which they see as weakness or desperation to be liked on the surface and lack of self-respect beneath the surface. The solution is to set aside their importance to you long enough to uplift your self-respect, which you have to do alone and without regard for others’ opinions of you.

      Given that, you can figure out how a man does something because it’s duty or he wants to be around you. It’s duty if he has to. It’s you if he wants to. But neither point is as important as the following.

      I suggest you study all the articles in the CONTENTS page that begin with “Self-“ and especially “Self-gratitude.” And then tackle the menu page at blog top “Female Blessings at Birth.”

      Uplift your self-respect and things ought to change dramatically in your life when you get to liking yourself better than you like others.

      Guy

      • Krysie869

        Sir Guy,

        I do often feel a lack of respect from many people. Not all though of course, although it often feels like it. But I believe many factors are to blame. 1)
        Lack of unconditional respect for others as a result of deep rooted insecurity and 2) I behave differently from them in some way or at least how they often assume I should act or achieve.

        I agree that it is tempting to become desperate, but oftentimes I remind myself that those who value what I value will be attracted to me. I often notice that many of these same people who I sense lack of respect from are “touchy” in general especially among those who they perceive as “different”.

    • Stacey

      Hi Sir Guy

      I do so very much appreciate your reply. Could you describe to me some examples of how to show my disappointment without reflecting discredit on his significance or ability to admire himself or blaming him. It seems a confusing and fine line between showing disappointment at being his fiancee when my disappointment relates to his actions/inaction.

      I think you may advise something similar to what I describe below (but I am uncertain and therefore seek your clarification).

      – Continue to be confident and positive when around him and around those in mine/his company.
      – Do not be overly thankful for things that are his duty
      – When he and I hear stories of his mates doing romantic things for their wives be excited for them and celebrate with their wives’ excitement (in the hope that he may want to elicit the same reaction from me)
      – Don’t be too eager to spend time with him. Show my independence and where appropriate imply that I do not need his company (try to imply time spent together better quality than quantity)
      – Withdraw slightly but not too much
      – Continue to cook for him, show him affection and friendliness to him and to all his friends and family

      By enacting the above it may take him a long time to work out that I am even disappointed and time is somewhat of the essence with our marriage pending, but I am not sure if I should reveal more competitive dominance than what is described above? Does further revealing my independence and more frequently showing how capable I am without him a good way to demonstrate the competitive dominance you describe? Or is this misguided as he still needs to feel that he is needed? How do I imply that if only he were to treasure me more that I would feel more comfortable to be vulnerable with him?

      Feeling grateful for your advice,
      Stacey

      Your Highness Stacey,

      Your plan looks good. However, your last sentence holds a key. “How do
      I imply that if only he were to treasure me more that I would feel more comfortable to be vulnerable with him?” That he doesn’t realize, but he can understand it so simply tell him. He can handle something that simple without it challenging his ego or significance.

      If he buys in and you see it in his actions, it bodes well for you. If his actions don’t indicate a change of heart, it bodes ill.

      You might try something like this: Every woman wants to be treasured by her man and I don’t feel treasured enough. Can we talk about it?

      If he agrees, don’t start listing all his faults. Prepare to verbalize how certain and even little attentions uplift you and your spirits and make you more interested in his interests. Make it about things that you need and not about how he doesn’t or his shortcomings or faults. You’re have both the patience and a delicate side, so use both.

      Guy

  4. Eric

    Sir Guy:
    I have a question on #557/559 (and some of the others generally). It’s been my experience that most women consider men to be expendable, not the other way around. Some of these axioms refer to men looking at women as ‘disposable’. I’ve never looked at women like that, to me, they’re either ‘keepers’ or ‘not keepers’.

    Granted, I realize there are some men who have ‘booty call’ women, but I’ve never understood the logic of doing that.

    That said however, what I’ve noticed mostly from women is an attitude that seems to hold all men as fairly indistinguishable and interchangeable. When you look at the high divorce rates and the whirlwind relationships that go on today—if women are the relationship experts, it seems like they value men and relationships on a very low level.

    Sir Eric,

    Your third paragraph prompted today’s post #2103. I respond to the rest of your comment this way.

    1st paragraph: Your experience informs you accurately, but for reasons described in post #2103, women consider themselves disposable and they and not men make themselves vulnerable.

    As to keepers and non-keepers, that’s normal when a woman is considered, but not when sex is the determinant. It also determines ‘booty call’ mentioned in your 2nd paragraph.

    Guy

    • Krysie869

      Eric,

      Sir Guy has written if a women treats a man as expendable his ego takes a hit. (Which has been my experience and is not surprising). He also goes on to say that the man will try to prove his worth to her if he is interested in her enough. I most definitely agree with this! In my experience though, I seem to be left out. I believe this is what women try to aim at–to get a man to prove his worth and character to her so that we can measure it by the backdrop of our values and beliefs.

      I am so curious for you to share some examples of the attitude of women that holds men as fairly indistinguishable and interchangeable.

      • Eric

        Hi Krysie:
        A lot of women seem to value relationships, but don’t value men in general. If a relationship doesn’t suit them, they just move on to a different man rather than trying to improve the relationship they have.

    • Eric

      Sir Guy:
      I’d like to ask a follow up question about this:

      “As to keepers and non-keepers, that’s normal when a woman is considered, but not when sex is the determinant.”

      This is something I’ve never quite understood: I can’t imagine having sex with any woman I didn’t at least value in some way. It would seem actually to work the opposite way: a woman giving sex to a given man should, in theory, increase his respect for her.

      Sir Eric,
      Your interest prompted another article, 2104.
      Guy

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