2113. An Enigma of Nature


Here’s something I wrote more than a year before the blog.

Early in a marriage a man sees himself as indispensable and expects his wife’s behavior to reflect it. He doesn’t pay attention to whether she is essential or not, until their first baby awakens him to the subject. After that, she gains slowly. Not because she is not deserving, but because he is not thinking about it. He takes marital obligations as satisfied by him and maybe takes her for granted. But after a man spends many pleasant years with a woman, he fully recognizes her essentiality and that it existed all along.

Provided, that is, she plays her cards right. Marital success requires this tradeoff be honored by the relationship expert. She makes him appear as the essential one in the early years. Then, hope and certainty of her importance brighten her future until finally he becomes Mr. Right and she becomes his well-honored queen, mate, and dearest friend.

Instant gratification as the most important person in the relationship—as sought by modern women—defeats the marital process and wifely hopes and dreams. It’s just the way men and women are made.

 

21 Comments

Filed under sex differences

21 responses to “2113. An Enigma of Nature

  1. Emma

    What a clever post, I used to nag by soon to be ex about how I felt I was indispensable 😂. It may things worse for us.

  2. MLaRowe

    It does seem like no man ever really knows all his wife does for him or fully appreciates it (especially at first).

    For me, it can be help to have a humble reminder that I need to view myself as a servant for those I love.

    This could be called being a martyr by some but for harmony it seems necessary (there is always too much work taking care of a family).

    What I have seen in my life is that all those moments of putting others first add up to an unexpected place of being incredibly valuable (and hopefully valued).

    Its like when a Grandmother dies and everyone is at such a loss. It shows the incredible power of the selfless love that was given even when not fully acknowledged at the time.

    • surfercajun

      MLaRowe- I need to view myself as a servant for those I love. Brilliantly stated! And this one, Its like when a Grandmother dies and everyone is at such a loss. It shows the incredible power of the selfless love that was given even when not fully acknowledged at the time. The matriarch works are now being praised at the gates. I can relate to this after my grandmother passed. I heard stories about her I wish I knew earlier. She was quite the matriarch even though i did not realize it. To be a matriarch I believe we have to believe it, live it, and see ourselves that way and not allow feminist thoughts to slink in. This includes negative talk about ourselves and following the outstanding advice given here by Guy and the wisdom from other feminine ladies.

  3. Andromeda

    Very nice article Sir Guy. Waiting for more! 🙂

  4. surfercajun

    OH OH I DID IT, I DID IT!!!! an older man held open the door for me tonight as I walked out, I smiled, and it just spilled out of my mouth…. A man is never more handsome when he opens a door for a lady…. and he laughed nervously!!! I was giggling all the way home!!! BUT I DID IT!!! and to a live person I did it!!!! YEAH ME!!!!

    Your Highness Surfercajun,
    You are such a jewell on this blog. Thanks, darling.
    Guy

    • gonemaverick

      #giggling along with you#

    • Anne

      Hooray for you!! I have yet to say this to a live person. But for two years I have practiced saying it in my mind, so I know it will pop out one of these days! 🙂

    • Cinnamon

      Bravo surfercajun!!!

      I’m with Anne – I say this a lot in my head but never IRL (at least not yet) but you have inspired me to try at least once in 2015. Now I just have to get over my shyness and get up the nerve (LOL).

  5. Anne

    Sir Guy, I have the experience of my mom telling me that a wife/mother is supposed to be taken for granted by all… but rest assured she really IS indispensable. Her only remuneration in life should be the secret knowledge that the family could not function without her. In this, she seems to agree with what you wrote above, am I right? The problem is… my mom seems bitter. I get the sense that too many years of being “taken for granted” have angered her. We all feel like she waves an everlasting debt in front of our faces and chants out that we can NEVER repay her for the fact that say laid her life down for us for decades and did not ask for anything in return. But now – in her older years – she is constantly offended and feels abused (her word not mine). Yet I feel we treat her with basic courtesy, respect, etc. But she wants to be matriarch, to be worshipped practically. She wants to be called INDEPENSIBLE and the linchpin of our lives. But we have grown up and started our own families and she really is NOT our linchpin. What went wrong here and how can I NOT repeat this in my own life/marriage/family?

    • surfercajun

      Anne,

      I believe I understand from where you stand. Like mine, I had to stand up to her. This was the HARDEST thing I have ever done because like you, I know she did all she could for us, and still helps, does things, etc. (my mom is a widow) I am not sure if yours does this but with mine it seems like she can disrespect someone and they (she feels) should get over it while when someone does something disrespectful to her, they are guilty. IT is like she is imposing guilt on her grown children. Taking her bitterness out on us and her grandchildren. (i wonder if she feels no longer needed…but that’s not TRUE!) This took a lot of prayer on my part, but I am at a place when she acts like this, I have to deal with it like an adult. I wonder if you need to pull your husband into this or other siblings? We all have to deal with our mom’s differently and I understand. This sounds like something that has been eating on you for some time.

      I believe you DO feel appreciated, loved, etc. Don’t you? Continue to teach your children to (thank you) for making dinner, purchasing school items, gifts, dinners out, ironing their clothes and thank them in return when they do what is requested from you. (with little ones…find books on gratitude, and thinking of others, and teach it well) It is always the little things that matter to us the most. Anne, when we keep this in the foremost part of our minds we NEVER find ingratitude. We know we are the matriarch. For she openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Thank you for sharing your story, Anne. It hit a chord with me today. I know Guy could probably say it better. 🙂

      • Anne

        You nailed it! And it has been eating on me ever since I had kids, because she told me kids are supposed to dislike their mom and walk all over her but LOVE their Grandma. She really feels this is her time to “cash in” and that I “owe her” the hearts of her grandchildren. It seems sort-of like what Guy talks about but in a messed up way. Its hard to put my finger on. She tells me I’ll have my day when I’m a grandma, but for now I’m just supposed to stand back and let her shine while I clean the toilets and scrub the floors. Thank goodness my husband does NOT dance to her song and is very appreciative of the things I do AND expects our kids to say thank you for dinner, snacks, me cleaning the house, etc.

      • Anne

        By the way, I recently decided to just leave her house if she disrespects me at all. No matter if its during a meal or if the kids are in the middle of something fun – I just gather the kids up and go (while she follows behind telling me to “get over it” because I am “making a big deal about nothing”). I wonder if you have other insights about dealing with someone like this “like an adult”? I am slowly realizing I cannot change her, just cope with the way it is.

        • A.GuyMaligned

          Your Highnesses Anne and Surfercajun,

          I recall a book from many years ago that might help you all understand better your mothers and how they act. Not justify their behavior, just enable you to see how roles change and affect behavior.

          Go here: http://www.ericberne.com/games-people-play/

          Guy

        • Sharon

          Dear Anne, Surfercajun offers good suggestions above. Others receive the message of our consistent life actions ABOVE the teaching of our words. The people who earn our reverence and honor are those who serve with quiet love, not those who try to manipulate others into meeting their demands. Your mother’s words and actions are unloving, unhealthy, and unsound. She seems to be a very needy person. Has she always evidenced this attitude, or could it be that she has developed an actual physical or mental illness that needs professional evaluation? (I witnessed the development of similar unreasonable behavior in the life of a friend’s mother. Irrational dealings in relationships, on the part of someone who seems able to navigate many other areas of life, may be an early indication of dementia.) Also, I have heard it said that, with aging, sweet people become sweeter and bitter people, more bitter. If a woman does not serve her family with love, even into old age, and does not nurture personal interests (or other areas of service) outside of family, she is more likely to repel those from whom she desires love and respect. No, you cannot change your mother. However, there is a biblical life principle to “leave and cleave.” Unfortunately, and to the ruin of other families, some parents do not want their children to do that, and by their actions hinder their freedom of growth. But, you must nurture healthy values in your own home. And, you must set boundaries with your mother or anyone else who tries to manipulate you to do otherwise. Know your values and live them. Keep your words few and simple, but kind and firm. (Sir Guy says, “Don’t complain and don’t explain.” Applied to men, but also appropriate here, I believe.)

        • surfercajun

          Hey Anne,

          I am so glad what I said was a blessing to you. I honestly believe you posting that day helped me as well. You are correct. You DON’T have to stay when someone disrespects you. It is not a one way street. I believe like you, I HAD to put up with it because she is my mother and it would make me feel worse and worse about myself… I love her, but also disliked her. I honestly believe this site, as well as some help from others outside this site help me as well. It helped me build a better person on the inside and therefore had more respect for myself. Another family member was treating me with disrespect as well and this was something in which I had to grown into about having FIRST respect for myself, then for others but not putting up with others disrespecting me whether they were family or not! I honestly believe once you start having respect for yourself, more than likely, others fall into place and the bullies fall away. I think it was Elenore Roosevelt said it best. No one can insult you if you don’t give them permission. I honestly believe that goes for respect as well.

          As per your question as to dealing with someone like this “like an adult” Yes, I have an example but it would be too wordy to place here. You may write me if you like and I can explain how it was handled. I give the credit to Guy that helped with with another issue with a family member so I could deal with this situation, better. lisa.gailey@suddenlink.net

          Thanks, Guy for the book recommendation.

  6. Eric

    Sir Guy:
    I have a question on part of this: you’ve written several times that the woman is the relationship expert. But men are supposed to prove their worth as leaders and their value to women—what part does the man play in leading a relationship?

    Sir Eric,

    Husband fills the role of formal leader, policy setter, and obvious boss. Wife plays the role of informal leader, policy implementer, secondary boss, and ‘holder together’ of all the family members. It works best when the relationship expert makes things happen according to this rank structure: Wife reports to husband, father reports to mother, mother reports to wife. kids report to mother and father and not wife or husband. The marriage and family are thus separated. It’s relatively easy for each member to make issues fall into the lap of the most responsible member.

    Men won’t, can’t, or don’t manage relationships. Only women do, which makes them either expert by default or they choose to pass the blame. Failing both, they enable relationships to break up.

    Guy

    • surfercajun

      Gentleman Eric,

      Your post reminded me of an audio I heard some time ago and I would appreciate your and Guy’s view.

      The audio stated that the husband decided that he no longer was in charge of the sexual agenda and that he was putting it on his wife to decide. His thought and I quote when she asked why did he stop asking,” I will always want it. You decide when.” By doing this to the wife and making her set the agenda, would you say he is *shooting himself in the foot* as a husband and leader? This is going back to what you replied to Eric about the formal leader, policy setter, and obvious boss. I get the feeling this is something more sinister. Thanks for reading!!

      Your Highness Surfercajun,

      Shooting himself in the foot. Perhaps, if that were his whole game. But I figure ulterior motives. For example:

      + Justifying either having or starting an affair outside the home.

      + Manipulating her.

      + Desperate to change whatever their sexual agenda has deteriorated into.

      + Expecting to use her sense of guilt to rescue his inadequate ability to love.

      + Make her change so he doesn’t have to.

      Regardless, it’s reprehensible of him but she can’t skate free. She’s earned it someway. Every relationship effect has more than one cause.

      Guy

      • Eric

        Miss Surfercajun:
        Sir Guy probably has a good assessment of the situation, though I would add if he was married to ‘Hard-Hearted-Hannah’ type from a previous post, he may simply have given up.

        I know of men who’ve married women like those, and some of them are so dispirited after marriage I could see them giving up on sex altogether.

        Sir Eric,
        You’re right. Hard-hearted Hannah type women make marriages sour. That sours marriage for men and sours men for women. It’s natural cause and effect.
        Guy

  7. Eliene

    Outside marriage, does a break up have the potential to demonstrate to a man that special woman’s “essential” nature? I.e. Realising that a special woman’s virtues and characteristics are necessary for his continued growth and development? Or is this only a realisation that occurs later on for a typical man?

    Your Highness Eliene,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    If I understand you correctly, no. Men won’t, don’t, and some probably can’t acknowledge that “a special woman’s virtues and characteristics are necessary for his continued growth and development.”

    She may see small signs but she shouldn’t expect his realization earlier than after a couple decades. And then only if he sees her as a good woman, wife, mother, friend, partner, etc. Perhaps not even until his mid-life crisis approaches or passes.

    It’s not her, it’s his nature. Without years of bits of evidence being pounded into his psyche, he can’t admit to himself and give credit so easily to someone else for all his magnificent accomplishments.

    Guy

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