2129. Avoid Being Dumped


At post 1343 Her Highness Mia inquired “How can we avoid falling into the same trap over and over again … of getting dumped….” Gaining a man’s devotion and learning to keep it is the only insurance against being dropped kicked into misery.

Caution: A strategic plan follows. I have idealized how to earn a man’s devotion. Life isn’t that simple, however. Also, no plan works as written. You have to figure out what and how the principles of the plan can work in your life with your prospects. Relevant blog articles are cited and underscored.

A man interested in you will see you in two lights, sexual and emotional attractiveness. He will tend to stay focused on the sexual. Your job is to develop and keep emotional connections alive and well while he learns to see greater merit in you than just conquest.

  • Be yourself. Be honest and truthful with yourself. Avoid all phoniness regardless of what you think is happening. Be up front, blunt, and candid with him. He will appreciate it. (But not totally candid and exceptions of what NOT to disclose are described below. Definitions used here: Honesty means accuracy. Candid means full disclosure.) [HardToGet tops Full Disclosure!]
  • You’re the buyer, he’s the seller. Buyers don’t have to buy right away. He acts, you respond. You don’t initiate, he does. He works to please you. You respond to please him, but you don’t go out of your way. Reward him, however, for going out of his way for you.
  • If you can’t admire him for who he is and what he does, then you won’t be able to respect and be grateful for him. In that case, he won’t qualify as Mr. Good Enough unless you lower your values, standards, and expectations, which I urge you not to do. Better to drop him early rather than later. [Five articles listed in CONTENTS with Good Enough in the title.]
  • Always dress modestly and your gorgeous best when he’s anywhere near. [Boob Language in 25 parts] Smile a lot and especially at and with him. Show a lot of humor but not faked. Forget any purposeful sexual attractiveness. You can’t be extraordinary, if you dress, act, and look ordinary—and sexual attractiveness is now ordinary.
  • He never sees you excited with or about him. Stay calm; he’s just another guy but one of sufficient interest to perhaps be worthy of you. Emotions you reveal can be used against you and probably will be—not dishonestly either—to facilitate conquest. Full disclosure is out and sexual history—including virgin status yes or no—is your business and none of his. [Virgin? Keep It Secret! in 2 parts; Her Sexual History in 10 parts.]
  • Have moral, religious, and personal reasons for not having sex. Don’t explain yourself, however. You are just that way. You are living up to someone or biblical values or principles higher than you. Don’t use phrasing such as you’re saving yourself for husband, etc. You’re celibate simply because your conscience says to stay that way. The more you explain, the more ammo you give him to persuade you otherwise. [Virtual Virginity in 24 parts]
  • Forget trying to convince him of your love, or love conquers all, or whatever else your female mind can conceive as beneficial of love. It may not be meaningless to him, but it won’t carry the day, won’t convince him of much. Love just isn’t that important to how a man views his future with a mate. He sees your love in the respect/appreciation/gratitude you show—actions more than words—for who he is and what he does. [Love vs. Respect in 5 parts; Sex Diff. Redux Parts 18 through 28]
  • DON’T gift him with the expectation that it will gain you favor. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, so you gain nothing at considerable cost. Give simple and inexpensive birthday, Christmas, and especially Valentine gifts. He doesn’t rate Valentine’s Day nearly as high or important as you. How he gifts you, however, tells you a lot. Don’t cook for him except as reward for some special favor he’s done. (Should you marry, you want your cooking to reward him for providing/protecting and not his expecting it for just being the man you love.)
  • Be patient. You need many months to allow time for a good man to change to meet your expectations. And, he has to do it mostly at his own motivation and time; your role is secondary. First, he downgrades his primary interest in conquest to include stronger interest in you. Then, he expresses his commitment with words that brighten your future. Then, he morphs into a state of devotion clearly exhibited by his actions to please himself just for wanting to please you. Then, he finds himself deeply devoted, and it shifts his focus to the promise you hold for his life and ambition. Somewhere along that process, his devotion to you shifts conquest into second place on his priority list. (You go wrong to try to influence or expedite that process. So, be patient, yourself, pleasant, and likeable in his presence. Take your complaints and worries to the Lord—but not girlfriends or family.)
  • Practice the art of thanking a man without saying thank you. See article 2059. Men are Never More Handsome….
  • DON’T pay or split pay for dates. If he won’t, he’s not good enough. If he can’t, let him treat you at Taco Bell. How he handles money promises what your future will be like with him. (Men don’t change, remember?) [Single Women Don’t Pay in 3 parts]
  • Don’t bug him to call, text, or speak of his love. He takes it as invitation to change and men don’t change for a woman—except as each one becomes devoted through his own motivation and action.
  • Use indirectness to get what you want. Seed planting, hints, questions, and weakly worded suggestions. Neither describe nor ask for your expectations to be fulfilled. What he figures out impresses him much more than what you describe or request. [Her Indirectness Overpowers Directness]
  • Don’t complain about him or his habits. If unsuitable for your future, drop him. (If you accept undesirable habits now, you in effect are saying you can live with them. When you mention them after marriage, you give him incentive to dump you. You deceived him; he married a phony because he was okay before the altar.)
  • There is no Mr. Right and it should take months for him to prove to you that he’s even Mr. Good Enough. Convince yourself and reflect this attitude: He’s not REALLY good enough FOR YOU but you’re willing to spend time with him for the enjoyment that the two of you have together. Just to see what happens. You might make good friends someday; he’s worth that as long as he’s nice and kind. Don’t try to manipulate, just find ways to keep his interest up for many months. It won’t be easy either but necessary for his focus to shift to putting your interest first and ahead of sex. [Four articles with “Mr. Right” in the title.]
  • Don’t let him hear you complain; you’re already a winner so you don’t want him involved with the complaint side of your life—at least not yet.

He will press you to find weaknesses to get you into bed. You need months to delay bedtime together while he discovers qualities in you that he can admire. They become virtues to him. Enough virtues and you become fascinating to him. You need more months for him to see promise in you as mate to supplement his life and ambition. After that, perhaps, a proposal.[Men Self-talk their Way to the Altar]

 

31 Comments

Filed under How she wins

31 responses to “2129. Avoid Being Dumped

  1. This guy knows what he is talking about.

    Sir Outstandingbachelor,
    The ladies would love to hear you elaborate, if you care to.
    Guy

  2. My husband's Wife

    Wow!

  3. Mia

    Your Highness Mia,

    NOTE: I RESPOND IN BRACKETS AND CAPS TO your questions in lower case. Guy

    Dear Sir Guy,

    thank you for clarifying this, it does help. As I have been reading your blog quietly for quite some time now, I seem to have unconsciously adhered to most of the points you listed. I’ve noticed one thing however about what you mentioned about love: In my case the relationship (if you can call it that) started based on admiration for him, respect and appreciation. I would say love on my part grew from all of this with time. This man however explained to me that he chose this other girl over me, because with me it felt “arranged” in the sense that being together made sense on a rational level (because I admired him), but he did not feel my love for him. How does this make sense in light of what you wrote? [HE HAD TO HAVE SOME EXCUSE. WHO KNOWS THE REAL REASON? PROBABLY EVEN HE DOESN’T. HE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.] Should I write this man off completely after having been told this? [OF COURSE.] A friendship seems impossible now. [GOOD, WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM?] I gave it time for devotion to build, also as a result of reading your blog, but he chose someone else. [GOOD. BETTER NOW THAN LATER.] Does that mean that his devotion for her was there from the beginning but never developed with me? [PERHAPS IN BOTH CASES.] (Yes, I still lack know-how, unfortunately, and would hate to repeat the same mistakes) [WHY? WE ALL LEARN FROM MISTAKES.]

    Sir Guy, my father taught me to look for a man, who loves me more or is more devoted to me than I am toward him. [GOOD ADVICE IF YOU CAN GET ONE LIKE THAT.] I believe that the core of the problem for many women like me is that we essentially behave like doormats. [PERHAPS THAT’S TRUE WHEN WITHOUT A MAN. BUT IT DOES NOT FOLLOW THAT WAY WITH MODERN WOMEN AFTER HE’S CAPTURED/MARRIED.] A woman, who is confident of her value to any man will naturally behave in the way you suggest. Even if that means losing the man she wants. The key probably is to nurture the feeling of confidence, but that takes time, effort and courage. [YES, IT DOES. AND DOING IT WITHOUT A MAN TEACHES THAT YOU DON’T NEED ONE. YOU JUST WANT ONE, AND THAT RAISES YOUR CONFIDENCE TO HELP GET ONE.]

    • Mia

      Thank you, Sir Guy. Especially for taking the time to answer my sometimes silly questions. I sometimes find the contents of what you write in your articles a bit foreign conceptually and hard to believe. I guess that just goes to show that it truely is what women never hear. However, it makes your writing all the more interesting and I am very grateful to have found your site.

      One last question: What should we women think of men, who are willing to commit (in terms of wanting to be a boyfriend in an exclusive relationship) after only a few dates or a very short period of time (say 1-2 weeks)? (If you know through mutual friends that that seems to be a pattern with them) Is that kind of a fast committment normal (in terms of love at first sight or something similar) or is is it a potential danger flag? I keep in mind that commiting to an exclusive relationship will in many cases instantly provide men with frequent bedtime and am not sure what to make of these men. I am trying to understand the male perspective. I guess as a women yielding after such a short period of time is probably a misguided act. I hope the question is understandable.

      Your Highness Mia,

      In the early stages everything should be a red flag. MLaRowe next tells an applicable anecdote.

      Early commitment seems a good tactic to get a woman into bed faster. OTOH, oh heck, there is no other hand.

      Guy

      • Miss Eliza

        Mia – I’d be interested in Guy’s response to this too.

      • MLaRowe

        Recently a friend of mine was pressured to date a man exclusively after a short amount of time and the man said something like “If you won’t date me only then we should stop seeing each other”.
        He was going through a messy divorce (supposedly but can one ever be sure when they barely know someone?).
        My friend said, “Sorry but no I won’t and we can just be friends”. (I do want to interject here that I passed Sir Guy’s advice along to her about such things).

        Guess what – it didn’t take long before the whole thing was all on her terms. That backed him right down.

        I don’t believe she trusts him so much now after that high pressure move on his part (that was the risk he took but I believe his move had paid off in the past which was why he use it on her).

        She is continuing to date others which keeps her very much in the buyers seat. If there were no others for her to date I still think it was right to not let this man pressure her. It smells too much like he was only after sex and not her.

  4. Can you do a post on seeking interracial relationships? Including your usual Godly and religious standards. I woule love to hear your advice bc i am a huge fan of many of your other posts.

    Thanks!

    Your Highness Ladylikefaith,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    No, but thank you for the invitation. Seeking interracial relationships is off theme for this blog.

    Guy

    • Shanna

      Hi Ladylikefaith,

      I respect Mr Guy’s answer but if I may add a little note: I have had interactions with men of various races. Honestly, the great advice Mr. Guy gives applies to men in general. I know cultural differences exist, but the basic nature of a man and his dealings with women seems to apply across the board.

      Your Highness Shanna,
      Thank you. I love it when pretty women help me.
      Guy

    • Ok! Worth a shot, lol. Im still looking forward to future posts!

      All the best!

  5. krysie869

    1.) So…A man who is first emotionally attracted to a woman starts the process of him being sexually attracted to her although her physical attractiveness did not initiate his interest in her at first?

    2.) So..It is only after devotion that “First, he downgrades his primary interest in conquest to include stronger interest in you.”? So, if a man chases me or initiates conversation with me he wants to bed me first?

    3.) A professor who I never had as a teacher came up to me and started talking to me when I was taking the bus. I saw him smiling to himself the day before when a guy came up to me and spoke to me, so I knew he saw something he liked. He apparently takes the bus too. But I had a feeling he took that specific bus just to talk to me since he normally takes another bus. He explained to me that he was a Chemistry professor at the college I attend. I told him Chemistry was hard he explained to me that it is is not hard and I shouldn’t say that. If I study, I will do fine. I just smiled in silence. He ended the conversation and stood up by the exit. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. You wrote, “If you can’t admire him for who he is and what he does, then you won’t be able to respect and be grateful for him.” Do you believe me not being too interested in his career subject caused him to end conversation? Or am I just overreacting?

    Your Highness Krysie869,
    1) No. It’s backward.
    2) Yes on all counts.
    3) You’re over reacting and probably over reading the situation about why you came together on the bus. I see little reason that he found you emotionally attractive although he may have seen sexual attractiveness. The latter is reason enough to start conversing.
    Guy

    • Femme

      I’m sorry to butt in…Just wanted to ask a quick question out of the many hundreds that usually swirl in my head while reading this blog lol.
      If a guy (a stranger) starts a conversation with a girl, does it always mean he finds her attractive?
      I ride a scooter and that sometimes does raise some eyebrows. But recently at a bank a guy started a conversation around this very subject. He asked me if they were handy and difficult to ride and some other things I can’t remember. I couldn’t figure out if he wanted to learn about scooters or just wanted to chat to me, which is why I was rather conservative with my answers.

      • Femme

        Just wanted to add that on another occasion a man asked me for directions first and then as I was explaining how to get to xyz, he said “I’m staying at a hotel nearby. Would you like to have sex with me?”. I nearly hit him with my bag.

  6. surfercajun

    Practice the art of thanking a man without saying thank you. See article 2059. Men are Never More Handsome….

    YIKES….missed this yesterday when a gentleman opened the door for me!!! I did however, turn round, smile broadly, thank him as well as wished him a happy new year…. then half way to my car…. I thought, “Oh man! I messed up! Guy taught me better than THAT!”

  7. Cocoa

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    I RESPOND IN BRACKETS AND BOLD CAPS TO your questions in lower case, Guy

    This is GOLD: “Take your complaints and worries to the Lord—but not your girlfriends.” – I would add and from experience, not GF, sisters or mothers. Bad bad bad. [I AGREE WITH SISTERS AND MOTHERS AND CHANGED THE ARTICLE TO ‘FAMILY’. THANKS.]

    Also, what can you tell from the way a man gifts a woman? I observe and learn quite quickly but this gifting business is a mystery for me…Is it what, or how or when he gifts??? [YES, ALL OF THE ABOVE. BUT I SEE BELOW THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO FIGURE OUT SUCH THINGS.]

    See my dad – (and you will notice sir Guy that I only compare dad or hubby, the only two men i knew in my life. I don’t watch TV much either!) – didn’t gift mum much at all but would stand by her in ANY situation, would defend her to the end. [HECK, THAT IS THE GREATEST OF GIFTS FROM THE MAN’S PERSPECTIVE. YOUR MOM PROBABLY ADJUSTED IN LIGHT OF SUCH DEVOTION.] OTOH, I see men gifting and gifting but no devotion really it’s like a show with no substance. And then come back later to say I got you this and got you that!!! [SEE, YOU HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON IT. GIFTING MAY OR MAY NOT DEMO DEVOTION.]

    So how important and how do you assess or read a guy from his gifting and is it in their nature to gift?? [IT’S NOT IN THEIR NATURE. IT INITIATES FROM BUT NOT BY THE WOMAN. BOTH LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR A MAN’S TRUE DEVOTION SPUR HIM TO SINCERE GIFTING.]

    How about emotional closeness (or closeness full stop) is that in a guy’s nature or he is satisfied with himself and doesn’t need/want closeness the same way she does? Does closeness and wanting to see her all the time is a sign of devotion (not sure why something in me tells me no, not really) or is it a sign of adolescence?! [NO, CLOSENESS IS NOT IN A GUY’S NATURE EXCEPT AS PRELUDE FOR SEX. YES, WANTING TO SEE HER ALL THE TIME CAN BE EITHER A SIGN OF DEVOTION, ADOLESCENCE, OR DEPENDENCE IF SHE’S ASSUMED THE ALPHA ROLE.]

  8. Andromeda

    Hello Sir Guy,

    I had a question about the below:

    “I would add and from experience, not GF, sisters or mothers. Bad bad bad. [I AGREE WITH SISTERS AND MOTHERS AND CHANGED THE ARTICLE TO ‘FAMILY’. THANKS.]”

    Why should women not consult their mothers about their worries? How does it hinder their life? Would a mother not be a good person to share worries and seek guidance from since she herself would have had similar experiences in her life?

    Your Highness Andromeda,

    The context is trying to influence or expedite the process by which he seems to be slowly becoming devoted to her. It’s no time for her to act differently. Mom will have ideas about what she can do, and daughter will likely react favorably to mom. Her man has been acting favorably to her, and a third party’s ideas can cripple the process. Only she and the Lord should be consulted when everything is going her way.

    Moms make wonderful sounding boards for other things, but this isn’t one of them.

    Guy

  9. That Horse Is Dead

    Hello Sir Guy,
    I thought I had a handle on indirectness and hard-to-get, but when you add, “be up front, blunt, and candid” now I am confused by this. Could you illustrate this concept for me? For instance, if a man says, “Have you dated anyone seriously since your divorce?” Would “why?” Be an appropriate response? Also, I notice with Mia, you recommend no friendship with man of interest, yet in other situations you recommend that “good friends” could come out of it through patience. What is the difference?

    Your Highness That Horse is Dead,

    In both cases, it’s a matter of context.

    1) Opening sessions with a new guy. Trying to discover if he’s worth his salt, leader-capable. Hard-to-get is a strategy that delays sexual confrontation yet keeps the door open to a man’s invitations. Indirectness hardly works for those examples. In all three cases, be yourself. Don’t be evasive or overly cautious. Before marriage it’s time for hard-headedness and so up front, blunt, and candid (with exceptions) fits and cautions him. Indirectness works when trying to influence and lead, such as after marriage or to improve on where he will take you on dates.

    2) The guy led her on. She was given reason to think he was far more interested than he demonstrated by shifting to another woman mid-stream or close to it in her eyes.

    As to questions like, “Have you dated anyone seriously since your divorce?” ‘Why do you ask?’ is always an excellent screening technique.

    Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead

      So, if I was overly cautious with a man of interest, could that have caused him to step away? I’m not quite sure how to recover if I know that I tend to act different around men of interest once I begin to like them (nervous — and probably more proper and demure). I think this is a big problem for a lot of women and not just me. On the one hand, I want to be vulnerable and open my heart even if it means I may get hurt again. On the other hand, there is all this information swimming in my head about “be the buyer, not the seller” and “he never sees you excited with or about him” and “whoever is afraid of losing the most loses.” I’m trying to come from an authentic place in 2015 with my dating life, without game playing or being evasive or overly cautious, which is what I feel most women on this blog also want. Men who I’ve dated describe me (to my face) as “solid, wise, intelligent, beautiful, godly, grounded, mysterious, surprising” and yet the last man walked away with the excuse that “I was too good for him.” I guess the take away is keep making mistakes, learn, and move on.

      Your Highness That Horse is Dead,

      If you are too good for him, it means he saw you as requiring too much of his investment to get you in bed. Left-handed compliment to hide his real motivation. What do you think an extraordinary woman is to a man? She’s too good for him to believe he could be so lucky. Good men want and do marry over their heads.

      As to the rest of your dilemma, the answers are in your heart. Play the future as you feel at the time. You can’t go wrong, it may seem that way, which then teaches you how to fine tune your behavior to get what you want.

      Study Path to Victory at blog top to avoid being hard on yourself for making what appear to be but aren’t really mistakes. They are judgments called for as appropriate for the time and guy. Your heart—instinct, intuition, senses—know what’s best for you in an instant. So, they can’t be wrong.

      Guy

      • That Horse Is Dead

        Men are never more handsome than when they give me a “Path to Victory.” I am going to ponder this a while, “avoid being hard on yourself for making what appear to be but aren’t really mistakes. They are judgments called for as appropriate for the time and guy.” That is really insightful.

        Your Highness That Horse is Dead,
        I love it when pretty women call me handsome. However, I love it more when I hear that I’ve helped a pretty lady solve her dilemmas.
        Guy

    • Cinnamon

      That Horse is Dead,

      I can see why some of Sir Guy’s instructions here can seem a bit contradictory and confusing, particularly around the issue of “up front, blunt, and candid” during the early dating phase. Ordinarily when Sir Guy appears to be contradicting himself I will ask him for clarification, and sometimes repeated clarification, until I am satisfied that I understand exactly what he means. This can take a while (LOL) but he is always very obliging. In this case, however, I don’t think Sir Guy means for you to apply these “bold and candid” principles in an absolute or mechanical manner.

      I remember your story about “Mr. Hot and Cold” from your church singles group from a different comment thread. If you recall, I didn’t like the guy very much (LOL). I think, however, you are still falling into a trap of questioning yourself too much instead of analysing his behaviour objectively and letting it speak for itself. We know two things about this man’s behaviour:

      1. He runs hot and cold/indifferent towards you i.e. he is not consistent and
      2. He told others in the church you were “too good for him.”

      With regard to the second point, I concur with Sir Guy’s interpretation of that statement. On the first point, no matter how charming or otherwise attractive he is, if he runs Hot and Cold (also known as Vague and Unavailable) for an extended period he has disqualified himself, at least for the moment, as a potential Mr GoodEnough. Your problem, as I see it, is that instead of reaching this conclusion based on objective facts you are questioning whether you caused this behaviour (remember what Sir Guy says about how women have the tendency to take on guilt?). I suspect strongly that the answer is “no.” I can relate to this problem because when I was single I did the same thing.

      I never used bold and candid in the early dating stage, except very sparingly. I preferred instead to use indirectness, with only an occasional injection of boldness where the situation requires. This is because I am an introvert who is sensitive (sometimes overly so) and circumspect with people. So I really feel this use of boldness vs. indirectness needs to be tailored to the individual female. I tempered this indirectness with a lot of humour and warmth to ensure I didn’t do anything that could be interpreted by my potential MrGoodenough as indifferent or overly distant to his overtures.

      I honestly don’t think you using indirectness + warmth + humour would have made a difference with Mr Hot and Cold, but going forward with new prospects, if you feel you are “holding back” too much, being too coy and not natural, then trust your instincts and try the I + W + H formula that I describe above. If a man’s interactions over a period of time are filled with inconsistencies that confuse you DESPITE your best efforts to be the best woman you can be, trust your instincts about him instead of stewing over him, continue to make yourself as attractive as possible, and keep looking for other prospects.

      I am not advising you here to “just be yourself” in early dating but rather to be “your BEST self” (your own personality strengths tempered by Sir Guy’s teachings) instead of overthinking things and trying to stick to Sir Guy’s instructions to rigidly even when they feel somewhat unnatural. You need to find the balance that is right for YOU.

  10. Eric

    Sir Guy:
    I have a question on the comment to Miss THID:

    “Good men do want and marry over their heads.”

    [NOTE: Website about murder and gross reporting was deleted by Guy.]

    The obvious question being that [the murderer] was hardly a ‘good man’ and yet he did ‘go over his head’ in choosing a mate. And it isn’t as though there were no obvious red flags for her to see (his jail sentence stemmed from attacking his previous girlfriend with a knife). What are your thoughts on that?

    Sir Eric,

    I fail to see any connection and have deleted the site for that and as off-theme.

    Your question seems to be, do men other than good men want and marry over their heads. Of course, any man is looking for someone beyond what he thinks he deserves.

    Marrying over his head is merely a pleasant way to tease men, who don’t like to be teased in the first place. Since, however, it’s also a left-handed compliment for his choosing someone so great, plus a compliment to his woman, men seem to enjoy the tease. Their women even more. (For all I know, and I personally tease with it quite often in public, it may start domestic disputes. If so, I’ve never heard of it.)

    My thoughts on what you cited follow:

    • The murdered woman reportedly was single with four kids. That tells me she was desperate, and desperate women are blind to red flags.

    • The way to escape desperation is to learn how to recognize red flags and what priority and treatment to give each. Think first and avoid all risks. Just doing the process will deflate the desperation balloon.

    • The way to avoid single momhood is 1) no man can be pleased by a woman into fatherhood or being a responsible father or husband. 2) Acknowledge that neither pregnancy nor infant will ever capture a man, father or not. 3) Dedicate herself to herself as unqualified to be a mom for at least the next year—always a year ahead of today. Qualification to be a good mom depends on a woman’s ability to capture and keep a GOOD man for that year before pregnancy. Infant care and child care come natural to mothers and are therefore nothing compared to the mindset required to incentivize a man into family raising. 4) Perceive red flags in everything a man says and does the first sex months she knows him. Screen him closely the first six months, and then see how successful she can be incentivizing him to domesticate himself as leader of a family. If he so much as shies away from family responsibility after a year with her, he’s not good enough for her, and she’s not thoroughly qualified for momhood. Therefore, no pregnancy for any other reason.

    Admire yourself. You did well opening that door.

    Guy

    • Eric

      Sir Guy:
      I apologize if the link went too far afield. This incident happened not far from where I live, and has been in the local media a lot recently.

      I hadn’t considered the desperation angle to it, but it’s a good point. I went back and re-read the earlier ‘Soft-Headed Sally’ article and the woman involved in this incident probably was of that type. What it does show is that feminine desperation combined with feminist indoctrination can have lethal consequences if an especially dysfunctional male gets involved.

      Sir Eric,
      Your last sentence is especially appropriate, well phrased, and poignant.
      Guy

  11. Magnolia

    “Don’t cook for him except as reward for some special favor he’s done.”

    Sir Guy, can you please give some examples of special favors? I think cooking for a man I am dating would be good, but don’t know if it’s too soon. We’ve been seeing each other for almost two months and he’s been consistently showing interest and stepping up. He has cooked for me or taken me out every weekend and has now asked to see me more often. He is the very introverted, quiet type who amazingly has never been in a relationship. He doesn’t have a lot of friends or go out a lot, and spends most weekends at home with his dog. He is very sweet, kind, and polite. The last two times he gave me a peck when we said good-bye and yesterday he actually gave me a kiss. He is very hesitant about it and asked if he could kiss me. Lol! So sweet. He said that I brighten his house. He loves to see me laugh when we watch a comedy.

    Anyway, I got sidetracked, but wanted to give you a bigger picture of what is going on. So again, when would be an appropriate time to cook for him and do you suggest that he has a grand gesture before I do it? Lol. He has been perfect in everything that he has done so far.

    And did I mention that I love a man with manners? He loves pleasing me. 🙂

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    Just below That Horse Is Dead has a good idea. I’ll add another that may fit his introverted, quiet type personality.

    Ask if he’d be interested in the two of you cooking up a big dinner for two. Don’t push, just dangle the carrot and keep the question open. You provide everything at your place but he has to help in the kitchen, do what you say. Laughter in the kitchen can break down many barriers.

    Get him involved with actions that keep him from thinking about himself. You be happy but not pushy and get him happily involved with doing simple things together.

    Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Hi Lady Magnolia,

      I like Sir Guy’s idea of a church date in exchange for you packing a picnic lunch for afterwards. I can see how this type of “cooking” is the reward for doing something that pleases you first:)

    • Magnolia

      Thank you. 🙂

  12. Magnolia

    By the way, he and I are the same age– 39.

  13. gonemaverick

    Sir Guy,

    What is your take on this phenomenon: “men sometimes require some space to deal with their life and emotions”?

    I always advise that the girl concerned be brave and move on and not wait around while the guy figures out what to do with her.

    Your Highness Gonemaverick,
    You’re right on. His is an excuse to weaken any connection and ease the separation. He can’t face being honest and direct in the same breath, doesn’t believe her interest or love for him, or thinks departure is the likely outcome.
    Guy

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