2130. Male Bonding

Sir Eric’s clear and worthy questions at 2127 inspire this post.

Two conquerors face off. He seeks conquest; she seeks marriage. The female nature is willing to change to conquer. But the male nature resists, resents, and even retaliates against changing to please anyone else and especially a woman. (We observe it in toddlers.)

Bonding arises out of the male nature only when tied to something of significant interest. A prospective conquest is of prime significance. Males thus face an internal conflict. To conquer they have to change to please a woman if she won’t easily part with her favors.

Women love and partially bond before conquest, and sex finalizes the process for them. Bonding is not necessary for conquest but mutual bonding is for marriage. Thus, another conflict. Lifetime obligations don’t emerge unless the man changes sufficiently well that mutual bonding occurs.

A man will change provided he has the proper incentive. His self-interest to conquer makes him willing to pay that price. He will change over time to conquer a resisting woman. He will teach himself to please her in order to please himself and vice versa. It starts as desire to conquer but morphs away from sex to her when her fascination and promise for his future outshine his desire to conquer. His pleasing actions become new habits over time and reprogram his heart into believing she’s worth it.

All done in hope of convincing her into bed sooner rather than later. His conquering motivations provide the glue, his actions clamp two self-interests together in mutual bond. Thus, it appears that he changes to please a woman but he doesn’t. He changes to please himself, to facilitate conquering her. Both are beneficiaries of the process that works in two steps when women hold out for marriage.

1) Frustration being the father of invention, men denied first sex together find words of commitment. Further denials of sex bring out greater effort including his conscience to honor his words and thus deepen his commitment. Such commitment, however, doesn’t hold nearly as much adhesive as does the second part of the bonding process which happens over more time.

2) Devotion emerges out of his continued actions that please him for pleasing her, and those actions program his heart with emotions that bond. (The deeper his devotion becomes, however, the more it shifts her toward the alpha role in marriage, which invites her to do wrong things and thus makes it easier for her to screw up their marriage).

Thus, if change is a trap, he’s self-seduced by desire to conquer. By withholding sex, a woman provides the incentive that drives him to change and become capable of bonding well with her.

When her actions work contrary to his intentions, his frustration for first sex turns into the pursuit of sex only and less interest in her. Consequently, her job is to keep him in pursuit, which calls primarily for no sexual relations. Remove that incentive and a man’s bonding is far less likely to solidify into permanent obligation.

I realize the real world doesn’t work like that today. But, I describe the nature of men and women that closes the gap between her natural inheritance to be compatible with a mate and his natural resistance to mate up permanently with only one.



Filed under sex differences

6 responses to “2130. Male Bonding

  1. stephanie

    This is true It makes sense. I believe it is the way God created it to be and I plan on trying it out if I ever find a man I like enough to want to do so with. Or more if I’m ever willing or able to allow myself to consider trusting again. Things into today’s real world seem so have changed so much. Especially when we are older. Men are being so accustomed to getting easy access to sex weather it be due to feminism or pornography. It’s changed men’s view of women. It’s our job individually to change it back though. I guess I should be cautious of any man pursuing marriage from the get go. But there are a lot of men out there who want the security of a committed relationship too. It’s just all the easy sex they are getting and maybe a lot of their own shame and inability to find self respect because of it, is keeping them from becoming the great men that a good woman can inspire them to be. I know countless cases of married couples that are making it work but the husbands can’t break their addiction to the easy access they have to sex at the press of a button. Because in the mind it is the chase and the conquer of a virtual harem of satisfied women. But it’s fake and it destroys everything slowly. After reading your stuff it only makes me understand more why that is. It is only pornography though and yes cyber sex that can elevate to offline affairs. But as far as the mind and body are concerned it all has the same affect on a males ability to truly bond with a woman. Sadly many marriages have ended because of this issue and when your dating as a divorcee I’ve been made aware that most of the single men my age are divorced for this very reason. They’ve had the love of a good woman and weren’t able to overcome it with them. It’s more addicting than heroin and the images don’t leave the mind the way that drugs leave the body. But pornography is only an illusion and if a man has a conscience to invoke then the quest for a good woman who can brighten his future may be the only thing that can inspire him to give it up. Finding someone who can be honest and willing to do the work is the first step. It’s assignable to believe that men aren’t involved in it in some way these days. I don’t want in part of my relationship though so I can only take your advice and apply it to the real world and hope for the best. Without letting everything that falls short of that make me lose all respect for men in general. For now it’s easier for me to be alone. Opening the flood gates of dating is not something I’m quite ready for. But I truly appreciate your honesty and the time you have taken to explain this to women. I only wish I’d have had it when I was younger and could have saved myself a lot of heartache. Better late than never though. And maybe these are just things I needed to confront anyways because of my dysfunctional childhood. Everything happens for a reason and I’ve always had angles guiding and helping me. I just needed to listen to them. Sometimes angels speak through people and I’m sure you have been an angel to many through your work at what women never hear. So good bless you for that.your words and your legacy will make a positive difference in the world for years to come.

  2. surfercajun

    …easy sex they are getting and maybe a lot of their own shame and inability to find self respect….


    The first mistake here is to think men are women, they aren’t. Shame for sex? No. Inability to find Self-respect? No way. That’s woman thinking. Men are the conquerors, they have their own self-respect build in. Men are mostly an island to themselves. Perhaps it may not mean as much to share it with a woman but as nature endorses and hormones rage, he is the protector and defender of himself, a great solicitor to sell his ego to make his career fly in the face of what anyone else “thinks” of him.

    Perhaps I am reading too much into your other comments, Stephanie but this seems to be yet another play on a victim card. It’s is his fault, his choice. What about her? If it hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, it can affect the marriage. Are we not the relationship experts? Far too long women have blamed men. I did however read that you did place in feminism. I am so tired of the blame game, as this makes two camps. Be the woman you WANT to be. Be it femininity, wise sayings, or bible based. There is a cause and effect for every situation and in relationships. We in the end live with the choices we made. OTOH I have taken my own advice and taken my problems to the Lord and not family. We can’t take back hurtful words and bad attitudes that can purchase a divorce. It is far too easy to “get out” of a marriage now days. If you are new, Stephanie welcome! Please hang around and read all of what Guy states and what other men have said. As well as the articles he gives at the right. 🙂

    I do hope you are having a pleasant New Year!

  3. Eric

    Sir Guy:
    Just to clarify, I’m not arguing of course in favor of cheap and easy sex. A lot of men only want sex, and even from a practical standpoint a woman withholding it is good way to test a man’s devotion.

    What’s problematic for me is the idea that sex and devotion aren’t part of the same process. I’ve mentioned this before, but to me sex would be proof of devotion—with the caveat here that it was earned in some way. Although a lot of men do otherwise, I can’t get my mind around sex/conquest for it’s own sake independently of the female object of these things.

    “Her job is to keep him constantly in pursuit.”

    On the other post, this is the other pole of what I meant by ‘conquest being an ongoing process.’

    “His pleasing actions become habits over time and reprograms his heart to believe that she’s worth it.”

    This is where I think my questions with these points hinge. I doesn’t seem logical that men would choose women without any thought of consequences to themselves or her—in other words, there must be some value in the woman that makes him pursue/conquer in the first place. Although some men do apparently value sex alone, I mean more the types of men who think about building relationships.

    Sir Eric,

    We remain apart on this point. Not in the female, but sex and devotion are distinctly separate and different in the male psyche. The former is instinctive, the latter is learned behavior.

    Male sex drive comes in two very different versions. 1) Conquer every sexually attractive woman. 2) Satisfy sexual urges in the best way practicable at the moment. The first is primordial, the dominant and instinctive hunter-conqueror drive. The second is routine use of erections.

    Devotion is the taming of the male sex drive to favor what women desire, favor, and come to expect with relationship commitment. Except when it arises from a man falling in love at first sight, it is a learning process.


    • Eric

      Sir Guy:
      I don’t think we’re that far apart on it. I hadn’t considered the 2nd version of the male sex drive. If that’s included, I see exactly what you mean.

  4. krysie869

    Out of curiosity, how do men feel about “on” and “off” relationships? Why would a man be in an “on” and “off” relationship with a woman in the first place? What are some factors to trigger such relationships? Personally, I never understood the concept. To me, “on” and “off” is equivalent to being “hot” and “cold” with someone; As if you are not sure he/she is the “one” and want to see if there is someone out there who is “better”.

    Your Highness Krysie869,
    On and off relationships provide men with convenient options. The woman obviously doesn’t rate as the highest interest on the man’s agenda.

    • krysie869

      P.S. What does it say of a man who has a history of having “on” and “of” relationships with women?

      Your Highness Krysie869,
      He has insufficient respect for women and not enough to love an individual for very long.

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