2146. Compatibility Axioms #661-670


  1. Virtual virginity is all about earning greater respect. A man’s enduring love—the kind of devotion that survives infatuation, lust, and romantic love that inevitably fade—is founded most deeply on respect that she earns and devotion that develops in his heart from the actions he takes to please her repeatedly, primarily if not all before conquest. [231]
  2. Nothing focuses a man’s mind so assertively on changing a woman’s mind than continued refusals for their first sex together. Continued refusals either earn his respect or departure, and that’s the only way she can find out what he’s after primarily—her or sex. [231]
  3. Trying harder and harder for conquest focuses his attentions on her. Looking for weaknesses, he uncovers her strengths, qualities, and virtues. Over time, it convinces him she is more worthy of his time, effort, and personal investment. Long courtships breed more of his investment opportunities for her to seal the connections. [231]
  4. His dominance will always be present or threatening, but greater mutual respect upgrades her opinions and enhances her influence. [231]
  5. When men have to make arrangements for their own meals, whatever woman pushes them to have to do it becomes more easily disposable. [232]
  6. Manly boredom and female attractiveness do not show up together. A man always enjoys looking at an attractive, pleasant looking female. When his woman looks sloppy and uncaring, boredom does set in and his interest goes elsewhere—perhaps to looking for something more attractive. [232]
  7. Men graciously live with the exaggeration that a man’s home is his castle. But it happens most reliably when his woman exploits her relationship expertise, showers him with gratitude, and recognizes him as head and her as neck of the family. Anything less is not a castle, and there’s a certain manly satisfaction looking for it somewhere else. [232]
  8. Men highly value feminine virtue, qualities they admire, because the promise of eventual conquest adds honor to his manly persona and significance. [232]
  9. Men intend to make themselves admirable (primarily to themselves) and their life significant (usually above all else). [232]
  10. Men love working or doing what they feel compelled to do. The most reliable men turn their life into loveable work both at home and on the job. (There’s an old saying, Show me a man that loves his job and I’ll show you a man that never has to go to work.) [232]

 

25 Comments

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25 responses to “2146. Compatibility Axioms #661-670

  1. Lyndeeloo

    Dear Sir Guy,

    I’m curious about #663, specifically the idea of long courtships. ” Long courtships breed more of his investment opportunities for her to seal the connections.”

    I’ve come to agree with that statement and usually feel confident about the value of a long courtship, but sometimes feel a little concern creeping in because the churches I’ve been a part of (since becoming an adult) encourage young people to form romantic attachments deliberately and quickly. The average young couple begins a courtship with marriage in mind and clearly on the table, then they get to know each other for about three months, and then they agree to either a) end the courtship or b) get engaged. If they choose to become engaged, they are usually married in about three months. So, the average courtship for these couples lasts six months from beginning to marriage. Most of these couples are aged 19 to 25. From what I can tell, the church believes that this courtship model promotes marriage in young couples while preventing sexual immorality.

    I’m a bit older than these young people, so the men in church–who are my age–are already married. That’s partly why I’m dating someone from another denomination, I suppose (I come from an Evangelical background and he is Catholic). We’ve been dating for over a year and are not yet engaged, although we’ve been talking about marriage quite a lot in the last month. I’m used to seeing the above courtship model played out, and in some ways have considered it pretty healthy and ideal, but then I think about how well I knew (or didn’t know) my boyfriend at six months, and it seems like six months is not much time for getting to know someone! My boyfriend is not familiar with that kind of courtship model and has expressed surprise and concern for some of these young couples (whose weddings we’ve attended.)

    So, while I know that there is no set amount of time for a “long courtship” because it varies from couple to couple and situation to situation, I’m curious–what do you consider a long courtship? And do you think a long courtship can turn into a dead end? And how does one prevent that?

    Your Highness Lyndeeloo,
    As long as it takes for him to become so devoted to her—demonstrated daily by his actions and favorable reactions to her and her interests—that nobody else, including buds, interests him. He sees her as both fascinating and promising as helpmate fulfilling his present-day life and future ambitions.
    Guy

    P.S. As you may conclude, her main job is to avoid turning him off. To prompt, encourage, appreciate, and respect whatever actions of his please him for pleasing her. She loses her superior position if she pressures him to favor her or us as more important than him. “Us” first should come later in her conditioning of their relationship. For successful courtship, he has to convince himself that she comes first.
    G.

    • Lyndeeloo

      I appreciate your response, Sir Guy. I’m also grateful for the continual insights your writing here provides. I have another question, but it’s not specifically related to this post. My boyfriend and I had an argument this weekend and I’m still learning how to improve our communication.

      I feel that my man is somewhat different than other guys (certainly different from my father). He is very verbal and there are times when I want silence, time, and space but he prefers to talk things out. When he does something I dislike, I try to give a zero response and let him figure it out because I don’t want to nag or criticize, but he feels that I’m being manipulative. He will then want to sit down and talk it out and he insists he wants me to tell him specifically why I’m frustrated. So, I try to meet him half way, but I get to the point of wanting to stop talking and wanting to take a day or two to think things through and let myself cool off. He expresses concern that the argument will fester and drive us apart. But I often feel better after some quiet alone time.

      Can you help me see how I can improve the way I express displeasure to him?

      Your Highness Lyndeeloo,

      I see nothing wrong with what you’re doing. He wants you to change to his way of interacting. If you do, his dominant attitude will increase, and all your future battles will result in things going his way or it’s your fault. He refuses to negotiate and reach agreement now, so why should he later? Want that? His attitude already seems too strong and not conducive to any kind of devotion to your interests. Give in and your hopes and dreams with him will darken.

      Some day, some way, he will decide that he either respects you as you are and will honor your wishes for quiet time etc., or he will decide you’re not worth what he claims to be aggravation that you should accept as guilt. Either way you come out ahead by settling the issue now. So, I suggest you continue as before and let time work on a settlement.

      Guy

      • krysie869

        “He wants you to change to his way of interacting. If you do, his dominant attitude will increase, and all your future battles will result in things going his way or it’s your fault.”

        What advice would you give to a woman who has this type of relationship with her own father? By that I mean he consistently tries to manipulate her into his way of thinking although it is clear that she herself is hesitant?

        Your Highness Krysie869,
        This is more guess than anything but…. His sense of family responsibility is so strong that he continues to shape what the family believes and how it reflects on him. IOW, you’re still his little girl. Try returning his love as his little girl and see if he backs off.
        Guy

    • Eric

      Sir Guy:
      I have a question about your response: how does the dynamic play out if the genders are reversed? For example, if the man involved displays devotion but it is the woman who avoids commitment?

      Sir Eric,
      She doesn’t love him and expects something better will come along. Or she’s manipulating him. More likely the former.
      Guy

      • tink

        Gentleman Eric,

        The situation you give sounds like one a friend of mine had. He was dumped when he lost his job. I believe she was only seeking a sugar-daddy as the relationship last roughly 5 months and interesting enough, I knew it would not last but you just don’t tell someone something like that when they are in a relationship as I doubt he would have been believed me.

        I never liked how she smile either and I looked up that type of smiling. It is known as an insincere smile. No one smiles with that many teeth. She reminded me of a barracuda!

        ok, the sandman is coming for me! Have a good evening! Here is a smile for you! :o)

      • tink

        found this…seem to fit…

  2. Lyndeloo

    I was just pondering something my man said yesterday. It was something to this effect: “I do nice things for you because I love you, but also because I hope to build up some credit for when I mess up and disappoint you. I felt that I disappointed you by doing x, y, and z, but I hoped that I’d built up credit and earned enough trust so that when I mess up, like I sometimes do, you’d let it go.”

    And he’s right. He is a good man. But I don’t know how to avoid criticism when he insists on talking it out. I don’t want to lie and say that nothing is wrong when he knows I’m upset because of my zero response. I don’t want to make him feel worse by arguing, but he has explained that he can’t go about his routine if he senses I’m angry. And it is best for him to talk it out immediately. It is usually best for me to cool off. I’m introverted and can not only handle more alone time, I actually crave solitude sometimes. He prefers immediate expression of feelings and prefers more time in the company of others.

    Your Highness Lydeeloo,

    Do the best you can with this. Turn to your sixth sense. Is he trying to manipulate you? Is he a manipulator? Trust your instinct. Trust your intuition. What does his current behavior portend for the future? What mix of red flags does your heart detect. He’s a good man but good enough?

    He wants to build credit to avoid criticism? Why? How much credit? What does he plan to do? What will he do to your displeasure? Dump it back in his lap. Put him defense.

    If he earns credit for future misbehavior, he can then argue about credit already earned and take the heat off his mistakes. Thinking of it that way, it’s manipulative. How does he respond to that argument?

    As you are already keenly aware, you can’t let him have his commitment-without-devotion way and expect to keep your interests protected for the future.

    Guy

    • Cinnamon

      Lyndeloo,

      I have been thinking about your dilemma. I was going to write a long response but when reading this follow-up comment the question dawned on me, does he keep “messing up” about the same thing over and over again? This is what would concern me more than the method of problem resolution (time for reflection [you] vs. wanting to “talk it out” [him]).

      Where to draw the line of whether to “let something go” (or not) is a tough one. I’ve had to deal with similar things with my Mr Goodenough, but I can honestly say that I don’t get upset with him too often; he does not disappoint me on a recurring basis but if he did, I would have to do some real soul-searching.

      Are you being “overly sensitive” about some things you should actually just let go, or is he genuinely disappointing you on a recurring basis?

  3. anonymous

    Sir Guy,

    The other day my soon-to-be-in-laws were visiting. When I arrived home (they were already at my house) my fiance immediately came out to my car to greet me because he is sweet and likes to do such things. He mentioned his mother had said “you don’t need to go get her, she can come in on her own” and he had responded that he wanted to go get me and that’s what he did. I have a great relationship with both of his parents and I’ve always enjoyed spending time with them so it’s not that she doesn’t like me (at least I think my feelings are reciprocated). I’ve included her in all of the pre-wedding girly stuff and she’s accepted and she’s even giving me some of her wedding day attire for me to wear on mine. Her telling him not to greet me is certainly not a big deal, but I am curious as to why she would do that. I can’t see what she had to gain by him not coming out to greet me. What do you think her motivation would be for doing that?

    Your Highness Anonymous,
    Future mother-in-law is jealous. Her man never did that for her. So, I recommend that you never brag to her how her son treats you so devotedly aka magnificently. Also, always portray to her how your rooster rules the roost.
    Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead

      And I wonder, Sir Guy, what he had to gain by telling anonymous what his mother said? This seems like something better left unsaid, imo. Am I wrong?

      Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,
      In their situation I don’t think so. She and I have exchanged comments for six or so years. She started out with devoted boyfriend she did not love, but their very open friendship through college blossomed into mutual love. What he said was just his way of being open to his one and only (IMO).
      Guy

      • That Horse Is Dead

        Just adding other thoughts, but 1) anonymous doesn’t know whether the mother said it or not (it is based solely on the word of fiance and his motives) and if mother did say it, perhaps it was said in a different tone or context.

        Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,
        I diagnosed it this way and advised Anonymous accordingly. “Future mother-in-law is jealous. Her man never did that for her. So, I recommend that you never brag to her how her son treats you so devotedly aka magnificently. Also, always portray to her how your rooster rules the roost.
        Guy

      • anonymous

        ^^I agree with this. He probably does not even remember that he told me. When he said it it was to accentuate the fact that he was happy to see me, “I missed you so much, my mom even told me you could come in by yourself, but I wanted to come greet you”.

    • anonymous

      That makes sense. It did not occur to me because all signs point to future FIL being just as devoted to her as my fiance is to me. But perhaps he does not do sweet little things anymore. And going with that theory I bet it does not help that FFIL and I get along splendidly so not only is her son excited to see me, her husband is too. I can understand how that would be irksome.

      And thank you for those pointers, I had been doing the opposite. Fiance loves it when I brag about him and I figured what’s the harm in telling his own parents how good he is?

      • MLaRowe

        This is a help to me also Miss Anonymous since I frequently would tell my MIL how great my husband was. I was trying to compliment her for bringing him up so well but I always thought she thought I was just being fake or a suck up- now I realize that may not have been the case. Actually I’m rather sure of it. So thank you for this line of questioning, it has helped me understand her better.

  4. Cocoa

    Hello, can you please explain this to me : The most reliable men turn their life into loveable work both at home and on the job.
    So when a young lady is looking for a good enough husband candidate, she should examine and focus on his work ethics? If so, how can she do that? If he goes every morning to work, like all or most men do, how can she figure out if his work ethics are up to scratch? I work in a place that some men have good, some have great and some have NONE work ethics, I can observe cos I am THERE, what if I am not.
    Also, I dont understand the old saying 😳

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    Re: “The most reliable men turn their life into loveable work both at home and on the job.” He chooses to do pleasurable work in both places. More importantly, neither boss nor wife interferes with his decisions in the process of earning both self-admiration and satisfaction. (Interferes? Such as with signs of ingratitude, disrespect, or lack of dependence by boss or wife.)

    Re work ethics. Judge from indirect evidence. Observe his sense of responsibility off the job, in the family or courtship, in or about businesses, courtesy to others, uplifting attitude, lack of self-inflicted pity, eagerness to please when labor is involved, pleasure interacting with others, connection of his job with what he likes and admires. Can you be fooled? Of course, but that shouldn’t stop you. We all judge others when it means much to us, so you go with what’s the best info available.

    Re: “Show me a man that loves his job and I’ll show you a man that never has to go to work.” He loves his job so much that it never seems like work, just whatever that provides him much self-admiration and satisfaction.

    Guy

    • Cocoa

      Many thanks sir Guy, this is valuable.
      Re: can we be fooled? Yes of course especially when emotions are involved. Women tend to be blinded. That’s why it is best to judge a man before emotions can interfere. Early on.
      I wonder about this self-inflicted pity though? Is that when they go on and say things like oh I am old, oh I had enough of this and that?! Or ….?

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      Re pity: Yes and similar excuses for pulling back from carrying his full load.
      Guy

  5. Anne

    I would be interested to know if the first three points can apply in marriage? Particularly when his attention is distracted by the cares of work or hobbies, is this the time for the wife to be “harder to get” again?

    Your Highness Anne,
    Emphatically NO on my three points and your last question.
    Guy

    • Anne

      Oh my! Okay! Thank you.

      Your Highness Anne,
      By way of explanation, conquest has passed whether before or after marriage. A conqueror’s right—according to the male nature—is ownership of a couple’s sexual agenda. He earned it, because he paid whatever price she demanded.
      Guy

  6. tink

    Sir Guy,

    Why do men do this self-inflicted pity? One lady that I know said that her husband does this allot. She kept feeding into this pity but she feels she was not believed while being positive, energetic and happy. Her frustration grew as she was pregnant. At one point she told me she said to him, “I am tired of not being believed and this is the same ol’ same ol’!!!”

    I gently assume they feel at times a bit down in the mouth over things. When should we feed or not feed into this self induced pity?

    Your Highness Tink,
    I’m sorry, darling. I can’t connect his self-inflicted pity with her frustration and not being believed. Can you enlighten me?
    Guy

    • My Husband's Wife

      Dear Tink,

      That sure is a good question as to why a man is prone to self-pity.
      I’d love to hear what Sir Guy says on the matter as well.

      I have to say, my husband is one who is prone to indulge in “self-pity” I used to do what your friend did with her husband—encourage him, try to uplift him (I was sunshine and rainbows). It didn’t do any good, he never believed me, just like your friend’s husband doesn’t believe her.
      After lot of trial/error and then reading this blog, I found a solution that works: When a self-induced pitiful/helpless moment arrives, I provide him with evidence/proof of things he has done in the past that have been successful that relate to the current “issue”—or let him know that I’m confident that he can handle/overcome/figure it out. And now, I’m happy to say, those episodes are becoming less and less frequent to the point it’s a non-issue. Not sure why the “cheerleader” wife doesn’t work to uplift in this situation. Really difficult to deal with when you see hope/possibilities/capability—and they don’t.

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

      Now I understand Tink’s questions. I never saw what you describe as self-pity but more as depression, which requires action to cure.

      In your case of cheerleader role, men will typically react as you trying to get them to change, and so their inborn nature resists. Too much of the same and they may even resent it.

      When you recall his past successes, he detects no effort to change him, and so he tends to respond more favorably. It’s more indirect and invites him to figure things out, which makes his conclusions more easily believable.

      Cheerleading is more direct, and signals that you’ve figured things out for him, and it doesn’t appeal to his interest or sense of independence.

      Thanks, darling. You opened my eyes. I always thought cheerleader was an invaluable wifely role. Now I see why it’s limited.

      Guy

      • My Husband's Wife

        Dear Sir Guy,

        Yes—I would agree that “depression” is what you would call the spiral into self-pity. And from your explanation, I now understand why my initial responses intended to uplift fell short. Another example of how indirectness always works best. Yet another lesson learned on WWNH and I keep finding out more. But how beautiful it is when the two sexes can finally begin to really communicate and understand each other. I think that’s why marriage is intended to be life-long. It takes decades to figure each other out.

        • This really helps me understand how to help my unemployed hubby as well—reminding him that the successes of the past CAN happen again! What a wonderful question (and analysis by Sir Guy!)

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness Tink,

      My Husband’s Wife described the self-pity syndrome and I responded to her this way.

      Now I understand Tink’s questions. I never saw what you describe as self-pity but more as depression, which requires action to cure.

      In your case of cheerleader role, men will typically respond as trying to get them to change, and so their inborn nature resists. Too much of the same and they may even resent it.

      When you recall his past successes, he detects no effort to change him, and so he tends to respond more favorably. It’s more indirect and invites him to figure things out, which makes his conclusions more easily believable.

      Cheerleading is more direct, and signals that you’ve figured things out for him, and it doesn’t appeal to his interest or sense of independence.

      Thanks, darling. You opened my eyes. I always thought cheerleader was an invaluable wifely role. Now I see why it’s limited.

      Guy

      • tink

        I am sorry for the confusion. Again, another difference between the sexes, right?

        Now I understand why my friend’s cheer-leading was not working! A cheerleader cheers as it is happening NOW….not later and now understand the leader of the cheer part would make him stick in mud fast. Celebrate with him when things are going well.. Encourage him when he is down and out siting past glory days. It reminds me when I look through my thank you notes I have kept over the years. They lift me up at times when I am down. People appreciate me and what I did for them.They took the time to give/mail me a note to tell me so.. They are mini gifts to me!! Thus, we are his thank you notes of the past. ….that’s awesome!

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