2158. Dating in Mid-life — Part B2: Chaste Courtship Works [492]


Relationship development begins at end of first date. Want it or not? It’s up to you, provided numero uno seller thought you numero uno buyer.

Life is a power game. So are relationships with these exceptions. Dating and successful courtships are predominantly an endless mind game. They require that you make your man more female friendly by subtly neutralizing two masculine drives, those for dominance and sex. You do so by substituting opportunities and promises that satisfy his urge to achieve, which is another primal urge that triggers his prime motivator for increasing his sense of self-admiration.

In effect, dating and courtship require that his feelings be drawn away from dominance and especially sex to magnify and focus on you and your interest. Your biggest challenge is to encourage him such that his romantic love morphs into enduring love, but you may have up to a year or more to make it happen.

Contrary to what women believe, lathering on your love and affection doesn’t win him. First, he doesn’t need it; he does like to see it however as confirmation that you like him and he’s making progress toward his objectives. Second, smothered with love reminds of mom, nurturing, and childhood, which may be too much and irritate if not offend him. He looks more for loyalty than affection.

The human mind works diligently to erase conflicting and disruptive thoughts or ‘noise’, aka cognitive dissonance. For erasing the noise, actions overpower feelings, e.g., action cures fear and conquest enlarges his significance. Consequently, deliberate actions can change one’s feelings.

Actions that contradict emotions overwrite feelings with new ones. For example, act as if you love someone, and love will blossom. Act as if you love them more and more, and love deepens.

Women do it naturally. Men don’t, which is why long non-sexual courtships work best to capture and hold a man. His actions, both trying to influence you to yield sex and simultaneously not displease you, program his heart with a sense of loyalty that over time grows into devotion.

You expect and he demonstrates his infatuation or romantic love with actions—flowers, gifts, hot dates, surprises, special attentions, and deep inquiries into your interests. Having to simultaneously suppress lustful urges creates both ‘noise’ in his thinking and desire to escape it. Hence, more action essentially invests himself deeper in you, which moves him ever so gently away from the noise and his intent to conquer.

Such actions also stimulate greater displays of infatuation in hope of getting you to yield sooner. More mental noise. Over time in a long courtship, his actions that confirm infatuation reprogram his heart and his lustful feelings into loyalty and dedication to you, aka devotion.

 

11 Comments

Filed under courtship, How she wins

11 responses to “2158. Dating in Mid-life — Part B2: Chaste Courtship Works [492]

  1. Sweet Tea

    Sir Guy, that was brilliant. Very clear, concise. I think I finally get it with regard to how devotion develops for a man. This series comes at such a good time for me personally. Turning 50 this week, never married. Would like to find a good Christian man. It was not until my mid 40s that I began to feel that emptiness that comes from not having a family to care for. I bought into the feminist lie about career and marriage and children being a bad deal for a woman. I have also had weight issues that I have struggled with all my life. Even those times when I was thinner I was still very self-conscious about my body and did not date much or at all really. I feel now when I meet men and women they are like what is wrong with her? She is pretty and has a good personality. Why has no man taken her off the shelf? She must be a lesbian or too hard to deal with. I know I can’t control how other people think. I have been in a male dominated industry and I have to continue working in it to support myself. I am competing with men. I never think of it that way, but I am sure the men do. I am very self sufficient because I always have to be . I have to be professional and competent in my work to keep my job. It doesn’t seem to be the environment where I can look to a man to rescue me. I need to be as good as the men around me to keep my job. I am feminine at work, I don’t swear or talk about sex. I feel I have always been treated well by my male colleagues and bosses, respected even. Right now I am taking care of my Dad who has colon cancer so I don’t have much outside free time for other activities where I would meet men. After reading your blog for so many years, I do feel I would now be a good wife for a man. I would have been a disaster as a wife in my earlier days, but it is harder and chances are slimmer of finding a man at this age. Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for writing this series.

    Your Highness Sweet Tea,
    Good story about a good start toward another life. Cinnamon just below offers great suggestions for modifying whatever needs to be changed. At this time I can add nothing except to offer one of my favorite articles. Check out #42 and see if it interests you. Right now it looks like a dozen more of the dating series is coming.
    Guy

    • Sweet Tea . . . a sad pleasure to read your post. You sound like my life . . . worked with men my whole career, nothing now to show for it. And stressfully wondering these days . . . .

      Your Highness Thornye Rose,
      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
      Guy

  2. Cinnamon

    Sweet Tea,

    Your life seems to parallel my own in many ways. From what you wrote, you have every reason to be hopeful that you will be able to find a man who meets your stands who is looking for someone just like you to marry. A few tips:

    I would absolutely prioritise losing weight, even if it means joining a gym and getting consultations with a personal trainer and nutritionist. You do this, as Sir Guy explains, not for a particular man but for yourself, in order to feel confident and be the best woman you can be. Once you find a program that works for you (combination of diet and exercise) you won’t need the professional support because you will have integrated into your life the means for weight control. Also, make sure every single day you dress and groom to present yourself to the world as best as possible – this is Sir Guy’s Mirror Time which he writes about so frequently. Invest in a wardrobe that is classy and feminine, and in tune with your personal style. Enjoy dressing up every day and looking your best. If you do this every day I guarantee you will outshine most of the women in your age group and even ones younger. All these things, taken together with the skills you have learned at WWNH, will form the foundation of what you bring to the table to any potential Mr Goodenough. I know if takes time and effort to do these things while caring for your father, but you must prioritise them.

    The next step is to find out where potential Mr Goodenoughs hang out. Since you are specifically seeking a Christian man, you will tip the odds in your favour if you seek out places where they congregate, namely, church and church-related events and Christian dating sites. I spent over a year spinning my wheels meeting men at secular cultural events when it turned out none of the ones who would approach me were Christian (some in fact expressed extreme hostility toward Christianity – perhaps they were trying to impress me with how “edgy” they were – LOL). This was very distressing. I then tried a couple of church groups but the few single men there were not in my age group. Finally I went online to Christian dating sites and I met Mr Goodenough (along with several other attractive Christian men) within a couple of months. So don’t restrict yourself to things like night classes, book club, and/or a bowling league (unless church-related) – make sure you specifically put yourself in Christian settings where you find Christian men.

    Try to keep in mind that a man in your age group will either be widowed or have one or more bad relationships behind him. By learning how to become a better woman as taught at WWNH (both in your personality and appearance), you will find that you have something on offer that causes you to stand out from your peers. Moreover, the fact that you are economically self-sufficient and have been in the workforce will work in your favour, particularly in the case of a man who has been in relationships previously with “entitled” women. As you know from reading this blog, a man doesn’t care if you are a waitress at Denny’s or head of Neurosurgery Surgery at Harvard so long as you are feminine. And finally, I would urge you to extend your age rage to include older men (say 10-15 years older), unless you are truly averse to the idea.

    The odds are truly in your favour if you take all these steps.

    • Shanna

      GREAT advice Cinnamon! My life parallels Sweet Tea’s in many ways also. I’m so grateful for this series.

      • Cinnamon

        I’m glad you found it helpful 🙂

        You and Sweet Tea both have great futures so long as you take the proactive steps required to find Mr Goodenough (instead of waiting for him to fall into your lap – big mistake). I look forward to hearing some positive updates from both of you soon!

  3. That Horse Is Dead

    Sir Guy,
    What do you think about whirlwind romances in middle-aged couples that meet, court, and marry within 6 months? Is this the result of a man’s devotion early on? I know a couple who just got married and met last October. It baffles me because they seem so in love, but I wonder how much you can really get to know someone in 6 months? Especially when children are involved.

    Your Highness That Horse is Dead,
    Sure. I don’t see why not. You report success and no red flags so far from your viewpoint. Two people inclined not to be critical and hoping for companionship late in life can easily find common ground in six months.
    Guy

  4. I assume of course a man wants sexual loyalty from his wife/girlfriend, but what other kinds of loyalty does he prize and is hoping to find in a relationship? I think this area might be a tricky one where we wives can lose our husband’s respect without meaning to!

    Also, what kind of loyalty does a man expect from a wife as opposed to a not-yet engaged girlfriend? (or is there a difference?)

    Thanks as always Sir Guy and whoever else has any thoughts on this….

    Your Highness MeowMeow,

    Loyalty includes support, eagerness to please him ahead of others, gratefulness for who he is and what he does, signs that she depends on him for uplifting her spirits. Generally, just the usual female activities that signify she loves him, plus a few unusual things that make him unique—such as making sure he dresses appropriately for events, or knows what ties to buy and what not, or knows not to criticize directly but indirectly reflect that she’s displeased.

    As to wife or girlfriend, no difference.

    You might remember it this way. His loyalty to her confirms his love of her, and her loyalty confirms her love of him—all from his viewpoint.

    Guy

  5. tink

    I wanted to put this fun tid bit somewhere….

    I was flirted with today at the grocery store as an older gentleman was talking about his lawnmower that died having to mow about an acre and a half….(forgotten to put in oil…and 2,000 dollars later) ouch….but he was joking about it making me laugh… then he stops, looks at me sternly and says…. you laughing at me? of course it takes me by complete surprise… OH NO SIR… I say with wide eyes… and he bellylaughs!!! Sir Guy must be right… teasing pretty women only makes them prettier….(((blush)))

    My daughter currently is wondering about the saying… Men are never more handsome. (phase) she feels for college gentlemen it might be too forward as she is getting to know a few. Is there something else in which to say? I told her to say “men” because like you taught it is ALL not one…. unless you want to personalize it for the “one” 🙂

    Another generation in which to teach if willing to learn.

    Your Highness Tink,

    I still like, Men are never more handsome than when they please a woman. Or, “gentlemanly.” If they take it as too forward and hit on her, she can steal their thunder and make them uncomfortable with this. “No ring, no booty.” Discomfort will change their behavior in her favor.

    Use no ring, no booty a few times and her reputation will spread and she will attract two kinds of guys. 1) Players and those rising to the challenge of proving her wrong. 2) Guys who find interest in gals who know who they are and declare willingness to be loyal to themselves first.

    Guy

  6. Sweet Tea

    Cinnamon, thank you for your encouragement and the tips which I am working on every day. You inspire me with the story of your success with online dating. I have thought about it, but for some of the reasons Guy mentions I have never put up a profile. After hearing your story I may just make the leap! I would consider men slightly older. In my dreams the perfect man is blue collar (they seem so much more manly and I am tired of the suites). He is widowed, with grown children, who are out of the house and financially independent, but who are starting there own families now. So I would already have this ready made family that I could love and fuss over. A girl has to have dreams! All the best to you.

    • Tooconfused

      @sweet tea

      You might like the movie “the mirror has two faces”.

    • Cinnamon

      Sweet Tea,

      I click a lot better with blue collar men/tradesmen then I do with their white-collar counterparts. I have over the years had many interesting conversations with taxi men, plumbers, electricians, etc whilst the same cannot be said for their white collar counterparts with more formal education. I think it’s because they tend to be less egotistical and have better values.

      I chatted to a few very nice widowers when I was online dating. They are out there (both blue collar and white collar types), and really looking to get married again. I suspect you will easily find the type of widower you are looking for online, and that if you stick with your mirror time and keep studying WWNH he will think himself EXTREMELY lucky to have found someone like you (i.e. he will be bowled over at how lucky he is to have found you). As Sir Guy says, when a man feels he is punching above his weight it makes for the best kind of relationship.

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