2159. Dating in Mid-life — Part B3: Elephant in the Room

Here’s politics in the raw. During your first date, two conquerors face off. He seeks sex without obligation, but expects to pay some price that you determine and he hopes to minimize. You seek a permanent relationship by doing whatever you think it will take.

I think of successful relationship development in four stages that develop progressively and remain dependent on each other. 1) His interest matches your likeability. 2) His loyalty matches your love. 3) His commitment matches mutual promises of sexual fidelity. 4) His devotion matches your plans for your future together. But an elephantine risk for you lurks in the background.

His primal and endless urge to conquer attractive women has spotlighted you as a target. Don’t disregard the importance of that urge hardwired in his psyche. Be prepared, know what’s forthcoming if you yield sexually.

This is the elephant: He will reveal a different persona if and when he conquers you. The elephantine risk is whether you will end up as keeper, booty, or dumpee.

Conquest releases his nature to hunt again, and you discover what you really mean to him. You tame that elephant if you successfully develop a mutually loyal relationship while dating. Then in courtship you expand promises of loyalty to commitment and on to mutual devotion, which effectively ties the elephant’s leg to a well-anchored peg in the ground.

Your importance to a potential conqueror does not guarantee that you will remain important to him after conquest. If he hasn’t pledged exclusive loyalty based on good character, committed faithfully based on words of integrity, or become devoted to you so obvious in his actions—all before you yield—then he feels no obligation to refrain from hunting elsewhere.

Devotion to one woman is the only thing that truly tames—not kills, just tames—a man’s hardwired hankering to conquer attractive women. Devotion develops out of his daily actions and reinforcing words designed to please himself by pleasing you. Growth toward devotion also energizes him to not disappoint you. He routinely if not often enough pleases you and finds opportunity to please himself for lifting your spirits whether you need it or not. He goes all out on your behalf when you hurt inside or outside. Furthermore, his actions and attentions are consistent and persistent and not dependent on his convenience.

When we see a man who falls in love at first sight, we see devotion formed instantaneously. It isn’t the love that females sense and claim. Masculine loyalty and faithfulness spring out with effects that match female love.

A lot of time is required to tame and then peg that elephant to the ground. Months and perhaps a year or more depending on you and your romance target. You have by far the greater challenge, which is why God gave you relationship expertise. You  hold him off sexually while making and keeping yourself attractive, likeable, and loyal to his satisfaction. Your wordy expressions of love don’t work nearly as well as those qualities; his primary sensor is eyes and not ears, his expectation is satisfaction and not happiness.

However, a natural process exists that you can use. No guarantees, but the odds favor you as successes accumulate inside the process described as He Walks Himself to the Altar (coming later).

I almost forgot. In the dating arena, the elephant shrinks in size with aging. Huge at age 30, by age 60 it should be dwarf-size, perhaps self-tied to the peg in the ground, and of little risk or threat. You ladies know how to adjust according to the age of your romance targets.

Risk takers win, and that’s for tomorrow at #2160.


Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, feminine, How she wins

6 responses to “2159. Dating in Mid-life — Part B3: Elephant in the Room

  1. Emma

    beautiful as always. I do wonder if some elephants have higher urges of sex drive or need for admiration that causes to dismiss the overall urge for a long term union. I also think the more alpha a male is the less he may be to stay committed to one female. I myself married someone with a high need for admiration and the urge to conquer hardly stopped, he is also in his early forties. I have had only two relationships and the first person I dated was as loyal as he could be, however our personalities were as opposite as they could be as well. Just trying to figure if some males are meant to mate for a long time or just short term.

    Your Highness Emma,

    I’m not sure alpha, testosterone, or any other single feature is the ‘determinator’ of either high need to conquer or marriage for short or long term.

    I conceived a matrix that reflects the combination of mental ingredients and psychic income that I perceive contribute the most. Unfortunately, I can’t copy it to here. So, I’ll make it an article soon, if I can post the boxes there. If not, I’ll work out some other way to answer your questions. But look for the article on Friday as #2161.

    Incidentally, the elephant isn’t the guy. It’s his change in persona after conquest.

  2. Beloved

    What exactly do you mean by this, “the elephant shrinks in size with aging. Huge at age 30, by age 60 it should be dwarf-size.” Does that mean that at age 30 his persona changes the most and by 60 he changes less after conquest?

    Your Highness Beloved,

    Good interpretation, my dear. Sorry, it isn’t clearer.

    Yes, the risk you take and the potential threat to you of being less important—and how much less to him—after conquest is far greater if he’s 30 than 60.


  3. Interesting Sir Guy, I have been reading this series and so far the advice you’ve given for the older ladies is really not much different then that for the younger set! So things still don’t change…..no reason to get cynical but stay the course! For some reason i was wondering if it would be a bit more “pragmatic” I.E. “Be happy someone is even interested in you at your age” (As we hear some older men are still chasing younger women,) and I wondered if waiting for sex still meant as much to an older man in terms of the conquest of a woman who had been living life (clearly not an actual virgin what w/divorces, children, widows etc….) for some time.

    (To 50+ women also, the risk of pregnancy is less or none so there is also less incentive for THEM to hold off in that scenario.) I do know a few couples who found each other later on in life and seem to be having a lot of fun and maybe seem to cherish each other even more, they say “I feel so lucky that I met ——–“. its cheering to read although I personally am working at keeping my own marriage happy ever after as best I can!

    Your Highness MeowMeow,

    More pragmatic? I leave that to readers. It’s what women hear all the time, i.e., older men chase younger women. They have more nursing years left in them is the pragmatic male view.

    Men mellow with age. It doesn’t much change the life principles by which they live, just the way they less harshly judge and highly value others.


  4. JuJu

    This is all comforting to me as I hope for a relationship with a man in his 50s….I am a bit younger but it seems the dynamic may be there, and he is very patient. I can’t help but think about a situation from my past although a bit strange and perplexing to me but nonetheless…I met a guy on a Christian dating site. We agreed no premarital relations etc. He told me he loved me several times before I returned it. And when I did finally tell him I loved him, the change in his attitude was almost instantaneous. It was like he had me “hooked” and could just let up. I was thinking it took a little more than that.

    Your Highness Juju,

    That Horse is Dead has a good response just below. I’m stumped except for a political editorial

    What I hear you saying is that when you admitted to loving a guy, you got the same response that happens all too often after conquest. IOW, you gave in with just an emotional admission and he took off.

    It’s the first I’ve heard of it, so I’m merely speculating. Presuming he’s Christian on Christian dating site, could it be that gaining a gal’s love is a politically correct substitute for conquest? He proves his ability with a con job and walks away with a ‘win’. Her admission is the equivalent of proving his manhood?

    If so, it means the radical feminists are winning the war against men by ruining the lives of women.


    • That Horse Is Dead

      Your Highness JuJu,
      I’ve experienced this before, too. If you didn’t compromise even after showing him your feelings, then he knew he would have a high price to pay. A man will agree to no premarital relations, but that doesn’t mean anything until he actually believes you won’t give in. As Sir Guy says, men don’t date nuns. A male friend told me that once a man determines she’s not dating for fun (i.e. the kind of girl who wants marriage), he may “freak out” if he’s not ready and just disappear. This is what qualifying Mr. Good Enough is all about. Only the Mr. Good Enoughs will keep coming back for more of you and the rest go back into the parade of men you will never regret.

      Your Highness That Horse is Dead,
      Thanks, it’s both timely and appropriate.

    • Cinnamon


      He sounds like a con man, as Sir Guy points out. Unfortunately there is no way to eliminate the risk of running into a con man, even at a Christian dating site. Some you can spot a mile away, but others are much more polished in their manipulations and can string you a long for a ride using their charm.

      I remember chatting with one man on a Christian dating site. He was very intelligent and glamorous but some of the things he said to me just didn’t sit quite right. He was taking little digs at me (backhanded compliments) but made it sound as though he was trying to do me a favour. I did feel he was trying to play mind games with me by getting at my weaknesses and insecurities, and enjoying it. This dovetails with Sir Guy’s theory that this is another type of “conquest,” albeit an emotional one and not a sexual one.

      After I told him I didn’t think we had potential for romantic compatibility he came on really strong about wanting to be my friend and then, after a few “friendly” emails, vanished into thin air. So do be on your guard, at least a little bit. As Sir Guy has explained previously, you cannot eliminate risk entirely, but you can take steps to minimise it.

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