2160. Dating in Mid-life — Part B4: Risk Takers Win

 Older men respond much as they did when younger and sometimes easier than expected. After all, their present and future life appears much different than decades earlier. I know of these stories from my personal life, but the times are not as precise as depicted.

  • Widow for 25 years meets widower of several years. They date for more than a year that includes several long distance trips. Travel always includes two bedrooms. She rejects marriage because his isn’t saved, and she rejects sex because they aren’t married. Unexpectedly, my Grace leads him to the Lord and they marry soon after.
  • Mature never-married woman has one grown child long out of the nest. She meets older man fixing her PC. They date but she refuses sex until they marry. His interest continues. He becomes eager to marry after a year or two dating and traveling and using separate bedrooms. He also changes his religious affiliation to match hers. (I don’t know if denomination change was a requirement of hers but I strongly suspect it was as she had years earlier left his church.)
  • Twentysomething single mother with baby son is shacked-up with adultolescent and irresponsible father. Fed up, she kicks him out. Lets him visit son regularly and refuses all overtures to make up or remain overnight. No sex, period. After more than a year of living apart, he proposes with the confession he cannot live without her. They marry and now live happily in second or third decade of marriage. Husband grew into an emboldened and mature sense of domestic responsibility and initiative. Successfully started his own business, and they raised their son to become Eagle Scout. Mostly by himself, he built their home in the country after clearing the woods and ground. Rough-hewn life by husband for his family, but her love smoothed it all out around the edges.

Risk takers succeed everywhere. It’s all in the know-how that flows quite naturally out of the well-prepared hearts of females.

Next: Factors that cause men to pursue conquest and marriage tomorrow at #2161.



Filed under courtship, How she wins

5 responses to “2160. Dating in Mid-life — Part B4: Risk Takers Win

  1. prettybeans

    Dear Guy,
    It’s been a while since I commented and for the past few months I have been rather discouraged. I told you my story a while ago and I realised that I was terribly afraid to let go because well, I was afraid – of being alone, of being a failure, of feeling rejected, of being a laughing stock, of having wasted 10 years etc. But I kept remembering things that I have read on this blog for example – the one who is more fearful of losing the other loses..and felt even worse

    But something happened last week – after a conversation with said man, a conversation peppered with rude comments and hateful sentiments, I realised that this person has no respect for me. Forget loyalty, care, devotion etc..I realised that he simply has no basic human respect – I imagine that there are certain things one would simply not say to someone whom is held in high esteem – and I have allowed this situation to persist for far too long. I am not making excuses and I take responsibility for my foolishness

    Then something new happened – I looked closely and critically at what it is that I had been holding on to and realised that it was actually a whole load of nothing – no fondness, no kindness, no generosity, no happy memories, no trust, no hope, no confidence, no laugher, a painful past and an empty future if all the good intentions and broken promises are anything to go by.

    I went before God in prayer and finally let all this misery go – as in good riddance and good luck to him. To be honest there is a little anger but mostly now Dear Guy, I’m free.
    Risk takers win and I’ve taken one – and I’m not afraid.

    Love to you,
    Thank you

    Your Highness Prettybeans,
    And love aka loyalty back at you.
    Congratulations on regaining charge of your life. Blessings also come in threes, so heads up.

  2. Emma

    Beautiful, patience is a virtue. When we act too fast we also loose too fast. It takes time to build anything worthy. Your wisdom Sir lifts all spirits of women lost in this era that tells women that sex and readily avail is the way to go. Thank you ….

  3. Southernbelle

    Sir Guy,

    Who pays for long distance travel during courtship? I understand that she pays for her own room. To me signs of devotion would include him investing in time and resources.

    Your Highness Southernbelle,

    “I understand that she pays for her own room.” That’s feminist-think to avoid missing out on trips with a man. Not in her best interest for the long-haul.

    “To me signs of devotion would include him investing in time and resources.” And especially if at his invitation. It is his actions that seal his devotion, and paying for her room adds to his significant actions. (If she’s not worth it, then his paying is in hope of bedding her sometime on the trip.)


    • Southernbelle

      Sir I’m so frustrated with myself. In my mind “feminist” is that “ball-busting, man bashing” loud mouth in your face female that is aggressive and direct. Makes my skin crawl yuck just thinking about it. “Femininity” is sweet kind softer spoken women who enjoy caring for the people in her life. She is quick to help those in need whether through hospitality and a nice meal or through encouraging words and listening ear. My nature is the latter and I remain very happy doing these things and grateful for these relationships. But I am at a loss for how to not be this way when dating someone I genuinely like and care for. It feels very unnatural for me to act contrary to this and instead be direct with my expectations and wishes. Such as in my previous inquiry regarding overnight travel. Direct seems most efficient to calm my inner anxiety but most risky; indirect seems frustrating but more feminine. Help Sir Guy! Help!

      Your Highness Southernbelle,

      “Direct seems most efficient to calm my inner anxiety but most risky; indirect seems frustrating but more feminine.”

      So, do whatever makes you comfortable, sincere, and worthy of being respected. You owe comfort to yourself, sincerity to him, and being respected to yourselves as a couple.

      No rule, suggestion, or principle should contradict that premise. You cannot serve yourself by following what others say to the exclusion of what you think best for YOU. The right way is your way, as determined by your heart, mind, and situation.


      • Southernbelle

        I vaguely recalled reading “she pays for separate room” and now I found where in your response to Magnolia on 6/6/2014 regarding long distance relationships.

        “• If she visits him, she pays for separate room but nothing else. (It’s just a token to signify her intention to remain sexually inactive.) If he visits her, he pays it all. Except she may pay for one or two events that she hosts, such as party to meet friends or quiet meal in her place.

        • Hostesses don’t provide sex as long as they are hosting. So—theoretically if not practically—his visit does not include bed time with her. Unless he understands before he comes that it will be a chaste visit, his expectations will far outrange hers. Her announced intent to remain chaste allows them to explore each other with the elephant outside the room.”

        I’m confused and feel stuck. Ideally I would like to not be burdened with such a dilemma because he just knows to take care of such things…and he likely would if I were direct.

        Your Highness Southernbelle,
        Perhaps I mistook your intention in our previous chat. I took it for a date, travelling together. Then, let him pay. The visit situation you cite is a different matter. Of course, if you want to pay for your room even on a date, do so, if it makes you more comfortable.

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