2164. Dating in Mid-life — Part C2: Dating Woman’s Manifesto


Turn on your grins, ladies. I know you can’t or won’t follow what I suggest below. I offer it as the fun side of preparating for mid-life dating. It describes what a woman should get clear between her and date before she falls prey to his charm or her infatuation and desire for next date. Every potential date should be exposed to a woman’s standards.

I know it’s far too direct for your taste. However, I view it as the ideal way to make dropouts of those primarily chasing sex, and throw up challenges for the guys truly interested in you. The former will be shocked and retreat. The latter will fall back, recover from their discomfort, compose themselves, revise their thinking, and begun to pursue you earnestly.

Were I in your shoes and asked for a first date, I would simply pass the following in a note and tell him to call me in a week.

  1. Promptness signifies respect. Tardiness signifies that your convenience outweighs my importance. Tsk, tsk.
  2. You pay or we don’t play. If not fair, who is to care?
  3. I don’t go to yours or anyone’s apartment, and we won’t spend time in mine for awhile.
  4. I will be home by midnight except for formal events that may run over. Barhopping isn’t formal.
  5. I don’t kiss like in TV and flicks. If we get there, be sure to kiss tenderly and affectionately. Kiss as a compliment rather than faux passionately to impress me. Or else, keep lips and tongue to yourself.
  6. We both have A.D.D. Mine is affection deficit disorder. Yours is affection delivery disorder. Mine is incurable. Yours is self-curable.
  7. Erogenous zones are accessible by invitation only.
  8. Men are never more handsome than when pleasing a lady.
  9. Of course I like you. Do you think I’d be giving you this if I didn’t?
  10. I don’t want a Mr. Right. You may, however, turn out to be Mr. Good Enough. Willing to try?
  11. Incidentally, no ring, no booty.
  12. Still interested? If you need more info than my phone number (xxx-xxx-xxxx), we are not compatible enough for the date you just requested.

Think: How effective would your screening and dating have been if it were used earlier in life?

By now you should be alternately laughing yourself silly and wishing that you were brave enough to do it. You see the merit but it’s so contrary to both your experience and nature.

Here’s the real message for dating: You should early-on convey your standards to your dates. Don’t leave them wondering. They will follow their instinct and intuition and you will find yourself overwhelmed with situations you can’t resolve to your advantage without paying too big a price.

This is one of the more fun posts I’ve written. I dreamed it last night and typed the rough at 2am. I continue to enjoyably imagine the awkwardness women would have passing such a manifesto to a dating prospect. I’m still grinning big time. You should be too.

 

14 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins

14 responses to “2164. Dating in Mid-life — Part C2: Dating Woman’s Manifesto

  1. An Avid Follower And A Lady

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Would you consider an additional point indicating the necessity of opening doors and pulling out chairs and other properly mannered manly displays of respect?

    These, I suggest, would be “public displays of respect” vs. the popular and sometimes pretty rude “public displays of affection” which are pushed at us through the icky popular media. Just thought I would ask.

    Great article. Love this bottom line approach 🙂

    God Bless You 🙂

    Your Highness An Avid Follower And A Lady,

    I wrote the following as an addition if it’s ever published again. Does it cover your thoughts?

    • When people see me with you in public, I want them to see signs of your respect rather than affection, gentlemanly rather than loveable, important rather than hanger-on to your coattail.

    The details he should figure out so that he believes in them more deliberately.

    Guy

  2. My Husband's Wife

    So brilliant, I almost wish I could redate my husband! I definitely made mistakes while dating, but fortunately he’s Mr. Good Enough. I realize that all these things ultimately help a woman while dating, but I also believe it helps the man out tremendously. I believe it sets the stage for a good man to be satisfied and flourish as well in the relationship. I think men “need” a good woman who they respect to inspire them to rise to a challenge and then be rewarded for a job well-done.

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
    You’re right about “helps the man out tremendously.”
    Guy

  3. Emma

    taking notes…. no beautiful!

  4. Tooconfused

    Rule #3 – a rule I started doing after reading this blog.

    I dated a guy for 8 months and neither of us knew what our apartments looked like. Think this was an easy feat? Nope. Every date he would push and ply -asking me to go to his place or his to mine. The one reason I would rationalise going to his place is if he wanted to introduce me to his family there or for a holiday related event. But that never happened. He pursued an easier target and I dodged another bullet.

    The only time a woman should invite a dude to her place is if she wants to show off her cooking skills. In fact spending too much time in someone’s apartment requires no effort or investment on the man’s end. I don’t care if it’s a $2 coors light or an expensive dinner. If a guy wants to spend time with me he should pay for something. Otherwise I have things to do…..without him!

    In fact I venture to guess that too much time suspended during courtship inside someone’s apartment will lead the man to push for conquest and then cohabitation. If he succeeds at both you are screwed, both literally and figuratively. But WWNH girls instinctively know this.

  5. prettybeans

    Sir Guy,
    I’m not middle aged but once again you have captured in words something that I have instinctively decided to do in the name of recovery. I figure that if I keep to my feminine sensibilities then I will most likely end up where I want – which is ultimately to be proud of myself and of my choices. By God’s grace I’m finally willing to take a risk on myself.

    Lady TooConfused, I very much like what you have said so here’s to dodging bullets!

  6. Elizabeth

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Firstly I would like to thank you for writing such an amazing and helpful blog for women. You have uplifted my spirits.
    I am a young woman who has only recently discovered your blog and who is in desperate need of recovery. How should a woman proceed with a man she has already made mistakes with?
    I apologize if my story may seem off topic from this post but reading this just made my heart sink with how naive I have been in my love life!
    I am in a relationship with a decent man who treats me well. We met a bit over a year ago while I was travelling Europe (I lived in Australia at the time), He took me on dates and we exchanged contact details and when I returned home to Australia we maintained correspondence for six months before he told me (without any prompting by me) that he wanted to come and visit me in order to continue dating me. I accepted and six months later he arrived and stayed with my family and I and we continued dating. He wanted to bring sex into the relationship and I refused without a commitment from him. He asked me to be his girlfriend and after he told me he loved me we began a sexual relationship. I was a virgin and he knew this. In order to continue our relationship he invited me to move in with him in his country. I told him I would be willing to come to him for twelve months to see how our relationship developed (I have a return flight already booked and a 12 month visa). I told him that I would accept his offer to stay with him for the first few months while I looked for a job with which to support myself with. This has put me in a difficult position as I need time to learn a new language before I can find a decent job. I can not afford a place of my own at the moment. As you can see I have already made so many mistakes. How do I regain my power over this situation? Marriage is something that is important to me and it was not until I discovered your writing that I realized that I am currently on the path to having my dreams fail.

    Thank you to anyone who might have some advice for me. I sincerely appreciate it.

    Your Highness Elizabeth,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Now let’s look at recovery for you. Unless you have a legal or financial restriction that prevents it, return to Australia NOW. If restrictions exist, overcome them. Just GO ASAP!

    He will try to argue contrary to what you NEED with what he WANTS. If you don’t explain and don’t complain, you take much of his ammunition away. He can’t argue long with silence. Your dedication to silence reinforces your resolve, which you NEED.

    If you think you owe him something, you are saying that you owe him yourself. That’s a guarantee that your discouragement, discomfort, or misery continues.

    Don’t look back. Look forward. The best cure for mistakes is to walk away. The best incentive for a different life is a new (in this case familiar) environment.

    Keep the subject of love out of sight and mind. His lacks the loyalty that’s needed and devotion that solidifies marriage. Yours isn’t sufficient to accept the misery of unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

    Recovery comes from starting over. Actions cure fear and prevent depression. So, take charge, get moving, melt back into your native culture, and restore your girlhood hopes and dreams. You deserve them to be fulfilled, but they can’t be until restored, which is the essence of recovery.

    You’re more valuable as a potential wife because of your experience. You only need to link up with a man of similar potential. To prevent being victimized again, I suggest you study the series Virtual Virginity listed in CONTENT at blog top. The series will help prioritize the most important factor in your future relationships.

    Best wishes for journey mercies,

    Guy

    • gonemaverick

      Elizabeth hi,

      i just want to say welcome and you have come to the right place for help. Sir Guy will respond.

      our mantra here is, “the one most fearful of losing the other will lose.” keep that in mind when applying the counsel Sir Guy gives you.

      all the best,

      • MLaRowe

        I have to agree with Sir Guy. I lived with someone and was “engaged” when I was 23 years old. He was 9 years older and knew exactly how to play me. I believe now he was a Hopeless Trickster (you can look the term up in the search part of this blog). I had no idea at the time.

        It was heartbreaking to leave him and my dreams for our future but really I dodged a bullet. He did try to lure me back but fortunately I was over him by the time he contacted me again.

        If this man is everything you could ever want you will know it for certain when you walk away.

        At this point the cold business-like way to say what is being advised here is that you are cutting your losses by getting out as quickly as possible.

        Get back to home as quick as you can. Sir Guy says it best, recovery is everything.

  7. Anita

    Hi Mr. Guy! I tried to leave a comment but I think my internet crashed. If it didn’t, I apologize for the double comment, but I am in need of your help desperately!

    I dated a man for a month and then he asked me to be his girlfriend and we were in a relationship for almost four months, we are in our midtwenties. At first he had a good job and his own car and he was doing ok. As the months passed, he had to sell his car, he wasn’t doing so well in his job and our dates went from movies and dinner to taking walks in parks so he could afford it. I had a feeling this wasn’t going anywhere and that I should end it but I felt I couldn’t leave him now when he needed me the most.
    Then, almost four months in, his mother called me and told me they had sent him by force to rehab (she didn’t say if it was because he was in depression for his situation or if it was drugs or something, which I don’t approve of) and to please say he had left the city because of work. He can’t talk to anyone, and we haven’t talked since he has been in rehab, for a week now. He will be there for at least a month, maybe more, they don’t know yet.
    I now want to end the relationship, since this is too much for me to handle, but I feel guilty somehow. And I feel as if I was in limbo or purgatory since I I am still his girlfriend officially and I can’t break up with him personally or on the phone or anything since he can’t talk to anyone. He was a good man to me and treated me well, but I don’t see a future with him.
    What should I do? Can I start dating again even if we are still in a relationship at the moment?

    Your Highness Anita,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You don’t have to end the relationship. He and his mother ended it for you.

    Evidently she asked you to lie to protect her and perhaps him from some kind of shame, which eliminates depression and other common and shameless maladies as the cause. It leaves drugs/alcohol or mental illness.

    If drugs/alcohol to the extent he was forced into rehab, he betrayed you, all you stood for, and all that was due you that he remain healthy to the extent it was under his control. If mental illness, he’s unqualified to continue, as he may exit treatment with different personality traits that may not be as loveable.

    You have no obligation to ride out the relationship gap caused by his rehab, which relieves you of obligation to help restore him to normal life. When he departs rehab, he should be a changed man. That could mean that he might be so changed that he could easily have no interest in you.

    Your relationship is different but your situation is similar to that of Elizabeth just above. You need to recover, which is a one-person accomplishment.

    If you think you owe him something, you are saying that you owe him yourself. Why? He’s disqualified for fulfilling your hopes and dreams. Sticking with him almost guarantees that your lot in life with him will be full of discouragement, discomfort, or misery because you have no control over his behavior that leads to rehab. IOW, you are unable to help with what he needs most, which is a far different self-image.

    That his mother was involved does not speak well for your future prospects with him either. Don’t let her lay any guilt on you for walking away. Believe me, her interests at this time have no connection with your own hopes and dreams—just hers as they relate to her son.

    Don’t look back. Look forward. The best cure for mistakes is to walk away. To keep from looking back, you only have to forgive yourself. The best incentive for a different life is a new, totally forgiven environment. If you can’t forgive both yourself and boyfriend, turn to the Lord. Forgiveness is the most essential ingredient in full recovery. Moreover, with forgiveness, guilt flees out of shame, and you already harbor enough guilt to disturb your peace of mind.

    Keep the subject of love out of sight and mind. He lacks the loyalty, aka man’s love, to keep him on the straight and narrow just for you.
    And he lacks the responsibility that’s needed to care for himself. It appears on the surface that he’s incapable of devotion to you, which is so essential for a good marriage. Also, your love of him isn’t sufficient to raise the misery of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams into anything higher than a temporary marriage.

    Advice: Next time pay closer attention to red flags and act sooner to escape. It makes forgiveness and recovery much simpler and easier.

    Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Your Highness Anita,

      You know when you hear someone say, “If I only knew then what I know now?” That moment is happening here from me to you. After marrying my high school sweetheart — and nearly 20 years together, 10 rehab visits later, and two small children, I was finally free. You have an open door. No guilt necessary. Walk through and don’t look back. Read this blog and figure out what you need to do to improve your own self image so that you know you deserve better.

      • Anita

        Thank you That Horse Is Dead, at first I would think maybe this situation with was a once-in-a-lifetime setback for him, but even if it is I don’t need to risk myself in the process and stay, I can find something better and healthier for me 🙂

    • Anita

      Thank you Mr. Guy, you are right, there were red flags that I let pass, I was too scared and even lazy to start again, which is not such a bad thing at all!

  8. When my now husband and i were dating (Granted we were not living together) we actually broke up for a period of 2 months. I realized I stlll had something of his and I wanted to return it as I wanted nothing more to do with him, or to owe him anything. (I too had been innocent when we met.)
    I was at peace—-had already been sad, gone on long walks, been on a few dates with other men etc. (Nothing serious.) so i determined to return the object as swiftly as I could and leave ASAP to show him I’d moved on w/my life as I wanted my final interaction with him to be on a high note. An unexpected thing happened—the reason we’d broken up was because he felt I was too needy. But he ended up wanting to get back together with me because now he saw that I didn’t really need him! Over time, I gradually let him back into my life more and more but to spare my heart this time I put myself first and he had to consider my wishes/feelings and we moved more slowly. Our relationship felt “new” and he ended up proposing out of his own heart. I am not saying this should or can happen to everyone but from a bumpy beginning we’ve been married 20 years now….so even although you may go through heartbreak at first, it is possible for you both to reestablish a new relationship if he searches his heart when you are gone and finds it better when you are with him….and if it doesn’t make him do some serious soul searching then at least you are free sooner rather than later. Everyone is shocked when they find this out about us but it had to happen.

    • anonymous

      Interesting story… Sums up the principles of this blog. A man marries the woman whom he can’t live without, not the one who can’t live without him. And it seems the two are mutually exclusive!

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