2167. Dating in Mid-life — Part C5: More Personal Planning


First, you have advertise. Then you meet. Then you screen. Then you accept his invitation to date. I suggest you plan what you want and how you will get those things by talking to yourself in the mirror. You will also get to know yourself better, which means more confidence and dedication to your mission of dating anew. Your best friend in the mirror will also help convince you that dating is to find a man worthy of you rather than making yourself worthy and available for even the most gorgeous of men. (There ain’t no Mr. Right until you make him so.)

You are precisely in life today where you have chosen to be. Whoever, whatever, and wherever you are produced the results you see in the mirror. The fact that you seek a date means you need an upgrade. Every gal needs it periodically even if not dating. Makeover? New clothes? New hairdo? More neatness? More feminine? More modesty? More mystery? Less selfish? Less weight? More other-centeredness? More lighthearted persona? More smiles? Reinforced sincerity to prevent using phoniness to get immediate gratification? You’ll figure out what you have to have or just want, if you spend enough time with your reflected best friend.

Perhaps you can or should improve all of the above. The more time you spend at the mirror, the more and better you will figure out just what needs to be done to satisfy you (which never happens anyway except temporarily). Why is it important?

Simultaneously, you will be reinforcing your self-image, your picture of self, which governs how you live your life. We all act according to the picture we have of ourselves. When we ‘fall out of line’, do something out of character for example, we either alibi it to ourselves or others, correct it if we can, or apologize if we should. IOW, we take some action when we fail to stay within the limits set by our self-image of who we are, what we do, and how we live life.

But let’s move on. Stay away from cleavage, exotic, and erotic. You can expect those things will get you invited for dates. But, when a date’s mind gets transfixed on sex first, it doubles the difficulty for you to convert his interest back to your person. If you’re not his primary interest, his actions to please you won’t likely develop into devotion, just commitment for temporary sex.

Sometime, and I suggest at the mirror, you need to specify to yourself just where you stand on values, standards, and expectations to control his behavior. If you don’t expect these things, they will not happen. For example, these should be minimal:

  • You expect to be treated respectfully as person, female, and guest of a presumed gentleman.
  • He must respect your modesty religion, moral standards, and whatever you choose to disclose about family, friends, and self.
  • He can’t touch your erogenous zones if uninvited and you don’t expect invitations to be forthcoming until…? (I suggest after his diamond commitment. Nothing sacred about it, but deep arousal should be delayed as long as it takes him to become devoted to you.)
  • Foul language is unwelcome. (It’s an easy distinguisher to separate you from other women, make you unique among your competitors.)
  • Sex is not a discussable topic unless you mention it. If he brings up the subject of sex, you counter with the subject of marriage. Keep the latter going until he stops the former. The objective being to get off sex rather than stay on marriage. (But, incidentally, if he can’t abide you mentioning marriage, it’s a red flag that he can’t think about it.)
  • Finally, have a few ways of making him uncomfortable when he goes too far for your comfort, or objectives, or intentions, or pledges to yourself. Find other softer ways to say, No ring, no booty.

All of the above enable you to take stands that earn respect simply because you claim them as who you are, and you do it with pride, confidence, and disregard for whether others like it or not.

If you really want to seal the deal of venturing into the dating arena with a stronger and more appealing presence, I suggest that conclusions you make at the mirror be transcribed into a journal. Put in writing what you commit to about yourself, standards, and expectations. For example, what red flags are sufficient to call it off for a man?

Now ladies, I recognize that I have been talking like a man. You all know how to water down my rhetoric and make it more relevant to your condition with less directness and more understanding. Essentially, that applies throughout this mid-life dating series. In the process of being indirect except for offenses that you won’t stand for, you’ll know how to do it better and more polished than I describe it.

 

8 Comments

Filed under courtship, Her glory, How she wins

8 responses to “2167. Dating in Mid-life — Part C5: More Personal Planning

  1. prettybeans

    Dear Guy (and all the lovely ladies who can help),
    I find myself emotionally wounded from a terrible relationship. Consequently I find myself bitter and angry. I’m also having trouble turning my thoughts away from both real and imagined guilt and certainly from shame/disgust.
    How do I increase in gentleness, calm (as opposed to anxiety), smiles, appreciation of self and so on towards recovery?

    Thank you and Happy Easter to all

    Your Highness Prettybeans,

    Three ladies offer their wise advice. What worked for them may well work for you.

    I think of recovery this way. Actions opposite to causes enable recovery from almost everything. Go to work finding things that need accomplishing. My generation called it being busy as a beaver, never ending. Don’t stop. Keep busy. Help others. Volunteer. Sing in church choir. Attend more church events and more often. Even ask boss for more responsibility. Befriend a widow or widower nearby. Study the bible as I suggest in post 42—Escaping Loneliness in Church.

    Positive and affirming action associating with others steals your attention away from your internal thoughts. That’s where you want to be and stay until recovery becomes obvious.

    Stay away from TV, movies, and other mind numbing pastimes, because your ability to multitask enables your mind to drift back to misery. Good, exciting books on subjects different from your misery might be okay. Bible study requires more attention than most, which is good for curing anxiety.

    Good fortune lies ahead and starts with forgiveness, which drowns anger and bitterness, which restores your feminine hard-headedness and soft-heartedness, which recovers your worthiness as person and value as woman.

    Guy

    • flowers_in_a_coffee_cup

      Dear Gentle Prettybeans,

      I am not sure if this might help, but a few years back I would fast to clear my mind of bitter, anger and anxiety images, ideas, or what have you that might enter my mind. It focus my thoughts on my words and delivery of tone. I begin to question *why* I felt that way and begin to think more on *how* to answer. Reflect and not react. I am still a student of this and enjoy the honor when this is accomplish and learn from it when I fail.

      Your Highness Flowers_in_a_coffee_cup,
      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
      Guy

    • Cinnamon

      Prettybeans,

      I would also add to try looking less at the defects of others and more at the beauty in others. I am not suggesting you throw discernment and self-protection (hard-headedness) out the window, but rather to remember to remain soft-hearted. Specifically, seek the best in others, give them the benefit of the doubt, and encourage them with good cheer and indirectness to rise to your high expectations by the example you set.

      Remember that the sins that another committed against you are between him and God, not in any way a reflection of you or on the male gender as a whole. Become the best woman you can be (as outlined at WWNH) but avoid becoming too obsessed with self-examination as an end in itself (our culture encourages this, but I don’t think it helps some people all that much and in fact can in some cases be harmful – YMMV). Look inward at yourself, but also remember to look upward at God and around you to your neighbour, as God commands.

      Also remember there are many very fine single gentlemen out there (such as Sir Eric who comments at this blog) and that your future can include a man like this. Now that’s something to look forward to, isn’t it? 🙂

  2. That Horse Is Dead

    Hello Pretty Prettybeans,

    The first and most important step is forgiveness of yourself. You can’t give away what you don’t have towards yourself. You must become your own best friend. Sir Guy talks about this much on the blog. Then forgive whoever wounded you (and there are likely more than one person). It sounds like a simple answer and I do not mean it to be. It will be a process so expect to hit some bumps. Take multiple Bible studies on forgiveness and anger until it finally sinks in (a full year if you have to). Declare a new beginning in a small ceremony, either with someone you trust or just you and God. I had a ceremony in a small chapel. It drove my stake in the ground that THAT was the day I declared my freedom. I found a passage of Scripture that helped me tremendously, Isaiah 61. I stopped watching TV and news and filled my ears with positive and encouraging Christian music (Google “KLOVE 30 day challenge” and sign up). I pushed myself to try new things and become more well-rounded. like volunteering. I stopped all contact with individuals who were toxic and learned how to set better boundaries (read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend). Finally, don’t date till you see evidence of personal growth. You are extremely vulnerable and open to more damage. Praying for you sister:)

  3. Meow Meow

    Long walks in beautiful places. Parks, nature trails, pretty neighborhoods, gardens. Caring for others, animals, plants, children, senior citizens. Trying something new and fun where you are a complete beginner and let yourself get to know new people (slowly/carefully) and make mistakes. Long hot candlelit indulgent baths. Avoiding complicated situations. (Better boundaries….taking time to get to know people) Listen to beautiful music. Write your thoughts, dreams, sadness, hopes, things you wish you’d done differently, the way you want to be treated, new goals in a journal. write in it often, in a safe place. When you try something, and you don’t succeed, try again and do not blame yourself. Accept small kindnesses from others…..avoid or limit contact from people who bring you down whether they do it intentionally or not. Sit in a quiet church and tell God what’s been going on in your life.

  4. prettybeans

    Thank you Dear Guy especially for your gentleness which I appreciate as a beautiful and rare gift. Thank you too beautiful ladies for your care and for your willingness to help and to share practical guidelines. Incidentally, just today I had my small ceremony and completely cut off all my hair so it begins today..

  5. Magnolia

    Hello Prettybeans!

    I hope this e-mail finds you well. I am trying to catch up with the blog, so I am late, but I hope this helps. Meditating on the Bible and God’s blessings is amazing to help lift all the “icky” feelings. You can choose one psalm, for example, and go over many times until, as someone said it “sinks in”. Try it!

    Also, meditation in God’s Word will help you praise– again, the book of Psalms is great for help with this! Praising the Lord is truly powerful as is thanking Him. Supernatural things happen when we praise Him and give thanks! Just the other day I heard a sermon on this, and although I was aware, it just reminded me more and more of it. The minister brought up the story of Paul and Silas when they were in prison. They were praying and singing hymns when a miracle happened:

    “About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.” Acts 16:25-26

    Wonderful miracle! Glory be to God! Keep up the faith and we are praying for you.

  6. Magnolia

    Oh, one more thing. There is something I am considering investing in because I’ve read that it’s really powerful and works better than a therapist (many times therapists get in the way and instead of helping, they hinder healing). It’s called the Sedona Method and it’s really good to release pain, among other things. It’s not cheap, but it’s a good investment. This with prayer, church attendance and the other things suggested by everyone here should will work beautifully.

    Also, check out Sir Guys post 1003- Cure for Her Bad Times: Attitude of Gratitude. Very powerful!

    Many blessings! 🙂

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