Commenting at 2172 Her Highness Juju inspired another break in the mid-life dating series. This article responds to her, but I’ve made it relevant for all women.
That Horse is Dead responded to Juju with this sound reasoning:
“If a man ‘badgers you constantly’ to disclose your sexual history and you’ve made yourself clear that the topic is not up for discussion (no ring, no booty), I believe he disqualifies himself as Mr. Good Enough. Your actions speak to the fact that his accusations are unfounded especially when he can’t conquer you himself. He’s fishing for your weaknesses, so allow him to go fish somewhere else, preferably back into the parade of men you will never regret.”
To which I add a way out for Juju and all women badgered for any reason to go against their will. There comes a time when every man needs to be put in his place in the world of females.
Juju, you should make a decision. Are you tough enough to get your way and end his inquisition forever? If yes, then study and figure out how to make the following proposal fit your personality and character. Then do it with courage and determination knowing that you’re in the right. (Don’t consult with girlfriends first; prepare and do it all by yourself.)
In private, sit him down, stand over him, point your finger in his face, and proclaim with a stern face, emphatic words, but not angry voice. Both countenance and sounds he’s never heard from you, “It – is – none – of – your – business. My sexual history is exclusively my business.” (He should wonder why he deserves what he’s receiving. He feels relatively innocent but now knows better.)
Don’t complain, don’t explain further. Don’t let him initiate a dialogue. End the convo and do something else immediately. Let him stew on his own what he just saw and heard. (What he sees registers more impressively than what he hears.)
Now I know you intuitively object to doing such a thing. It strikes you as not feminine and perhaps outrageous. Perhaps so, but let me describe some of the LASTING benefits that flow out of the instinctive* side of human nature.
- He will be shocked and become more in awe of you and your internal strength. It earns respect.
- Should you marry, the influence of that moment will last forever. It earns respect. (A woman should restrict herself to about a half-dozen of such dramatic and purposely designed encounters in a lifetime marriage. More is to lose the beneficial effects.)
- Your emphatic verbalization will surprise him and turn him against earning or deserving it again. It earns respect.
- You will shape your relationship such that he either departs or stays welded for life to his fear of your anger which you just presented without anger. It earns respect and will keep him wary of his behaviors that may cause your anger.
- He will remember the look on your face, and every time he sees it in the future, you will have his undivided attention. (Unless you overuse it.)
- If your relationship breaks up, other guys will hear not about your sexual status as much as about your willingness to shake up their composure if they say wrong things, and not just about your history. Only guys who want you badly enough will man up, so half of your screening job is done. (Oh, you may miss out on a few dates, but those you do have should be with better quality—or at least more courageous—guys.)
- You set the stage for successfully negotiating to your favor just what submission means if you marry him.
- Out of those multiple infusions of respect, enduring love can grow. It’s the kind needed to sustain a couple after romantic love fades in a year or two.
- Men seek to marry a strong woman. You just made your foundation obvious and the word will spread. More importantly, you just made yourself a more courageous and probably a better woman.
- You make a significant investment in turning your relationship into one for the long term.
You accomplished all that by conquering your cautious intuition and mustering your hard-headed courage to put an end to badgering, which you neither deserve nor want to tolerate. Such a strong stand helps prepare you for other strong stands you will need as you pass through this ‘veil of tears’ (in Appalachian lingo).
You will learn from his reactions if he’s Mr. GoodEnough or not, which makes the final result the consequence of your actions.
* Instinctive as inherited at birth. Intuitive as from lessons learned in life.