2177. Dating in Mid-life — Part D1: Intro to Men: Duty vs. Sex

Duty motivates men much as love motivates women.

Women aren’t aware. Men attach themselves to responsibility out of which flows duty. Fulfilling duty is satisfying and he expects no recognition or reward except that which originates within himself. He’s that independent and easily satisfied by his own endeavors.

If instead of his just pursuing sex, you as potential mate are his primary incentive, then he designs a date to deliver to himself a good, fun-filled, challenging, adventurous, or whatever pleasing event that he can design and fulfill with confidence to sell himself. His duty is to date, mission is to sell, and you are the tagalong. He seeks to convince of his value in life and implies in many ways that you’re foolish not to tag along with him. He doesn’t do it overly smooth, and so tagalongs do best by just listening.

Dating imposes duty for which he expects no reward from you. If you listen well, he sells well, and you also enjoy yourselves, then he fulfills his duty. It’s a detectable attitude that suggests he’s after you more than sex.

OTOH, if he’s primarily after sex, no duty attaches to the date. He always fulfills his duty, so pursuit of sex doesn’t qualify since someone else determines the outcome. In which case, he expects to be rewarded for doing his best to conquer, and is disappointed when you fail to yield. You’re to blame. The less he’s after you, the more volatile his reaction, because he doesn’t really care what your opinion of him personally.

It begs the question. How do you tell the difference between duty and pursuit of sex? The following are probable motivations from the way he talks and acts.

  • Too smooth, too pleasant, too confident, it’s sex.
  • Hesitant, cautious, fearful of offending, it’s duty.
  • Applies pressure to get you alone, it’s sex.
  • Seeks to just remain in your company, it’s duty.
  • Touches you a lot, it’s sex.
  • Hesitant to touch you, it’s duty.
  • He proceeds first and expects you to follow, it’s sex.
  • Wouldn’t think of not deferring to you, it’s duty.
  • He’s too good to be true, it’s sex.
  • He’s awkward in your presence, it’s duty.
  • He tries to impose guilt on you, it’s sex.
  • He easily assumes all blame upon himself, it’s duty.
  • Plays hard-to-get, it’s sex.
  • Plays up your character more than attractiveness, it’s duty.
  • Overly eager for first kiss, it’s sex.
  • Patiently awaits some signal that it’s time for first kiss, it’s duty.
  • Your instinct and intuition see red flags, it’s sex.
  • Your instinct and intuition make you feel sorry for him, it’s duty.

You get the picture. Trust your gut. Let red flags guide you. You still won’t know if he’s primarily after you until either he conquers you for sex or you conquer him for marriage.

More tomorrow about who you face across the table.

P.S. Duty doesn’t mean necessarily that you’re the only one for him. He might just be testing the waters. It does means that sex is probably not his primary objective.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins

6 responses to “2177. Dating in Mid-life — Part D1: Intro to Men: Duty vs. Sex

  1. Beloved

    Another awesome one Sir Guy! Keep ’em coming, I personally cannot get enough of this wisdom.

  2. Home-Schooled Scientist

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Oddly, since my last post here, I have actually encountered an individual who has initiated the process of selling himself as Mr. Good Enough to me, and thus far he seems to be on track to fulfill every single one of these signs of duty, and so far, not a single sign of pursuit of sex. I wholeheartedly applaud your last point, “If your instinct and intuition make you feel sorry for him, it’s duty.” This observation made me smile, as his efforts are indeed leaning towards adorable and away from dangerous.

    In the past, I have had encounters with other men who had proven themselves to be only interested in a short-term fling (incidentally, upon reading your blog, I was delighted to see that I had handled those encounters in the right way by withholding physical intimacy), and unfortunately those experiences had tainted my view of men in general, although upon further research and examination I determined that they were, in fact, not real men but rather deserving of the term you so adeptly defined, “adultolescents.”

    I would like to express my gratitude to you for taking the time to explain not only how to handle the adultolescent, but also how to handle the man who might actually be trying to do right by a lady. I have always had a difficult time accepting compliments or gifts, especially from men since it always seemed to be a manipulation tactic, so I would have been completely at a loss for how to begin to handle this potential Mr. Good Enough if not for your guidance and advice. He may not end up being My Mr. Good Enough, but I’d never have allowed him the chance to audition for the role without your efforts, Sir Guy.

    Thank you for helping me to recognize my own self worth as a female who is deserving of a respectful and effort-laden sales-pitch, and thank you for providing educational material for distinguishing with some measure of confidence the difference between good men and players. Finally, thank you for validating “hard-to-get” as an acceptable and valuable personality trait–after being repeatedly shamed for it in certain circles, it was an immense joy and relief to find that a very wise man such as yourself with a great deal of life experience not only approves of being “hard-to-get,” but actively encourages it.

    I look forward to revisiting more of your previous lessons and to staying tuned to your future lessons.

    With very fond regards and much gratitude for you and your contributions to making my life a happier one,

    A Home-schooled Scientist

    Your Highness Home-schooled Scientist,
    I love it when pretty women play hard-to-get. It makes men display their true mettle and brings out their character as home-schooled women are especially trained to tame them.

  3. krysie869

    “Your instinct and intuition see red flags, it’s sex.”
    “Your instinct and intuition make you feel sorry for him, it’s duty.”

    There is a guy who has shown deep personal interest in me. I see some red flags, but the positives outweigh the negatives. I still remain cautious though. What would you say of a young male who has a history of misbehaving and getting kicked out of schools and maybe even his parents home (at least according to what I have heard him tell others), but at least when he is around me or when I observe him interacting with others, he treats me and them with respect for the most part–or at least how I see it, he doesn’t discriminate. I am dealing with a man like this. Is it possible for a man like this to change? I figure it would be difficult though. His kindness makes me feel bad for him though intuitively and honestly I can’t imagine him being the “bad ass” he claims he once was.

    Your Highness Krysie869,

    “Is it possible for a man like this to change?” I presume you mean change in ways that provide some kind of new info as to his value to you or his worthiness as a potential Mr. Good Enough. I suggest as follows:

    1. Quit your wishful thinking that he has, will, or promises to change. Get out of that judging and decision-making process.

    2. Disregard and discount any changes he makes in order to find favor or appreciation from you or other people. Kindness exclusively makes the opposite of a good man.

    3. Prompt yourself to admire whatever qualities he has for achieving something, especially something special such as not seeming to tire after a long period of laboring at something. Or, he’s good at manipulating numbers and arithmetic and clerical tasks. Or, he knows how to lay bricks or wire cars for electronic doodads.

    4. Don’t push but encourage and perhaps help him get started in some activity that energizes his interest. He needs a long string of accomplishments, each of which generates self-admiration and job satisfaction.

    5. Then, judge him solely on one thing. How determined and dedicated he is to accept responsibility by himself and fulfill it by himself. IOW, judge him affirmatively if and when he falls back into an independent spirit that arouses him to accomplish things and rate as second his associations with people. Nothing matures a man faster than fulfilling responsibility that he has determined is his to fulfill.

    You are looking for a mature man, not one who lacks the ability to set up to responsibility, fulfill it, likes it, and wants more.


  4. Beloved

    Guy, I have read your “kissing” articles but have a couple of questions. You say delay 1st kiss; about how long if, say, the couple dates once a week. How many weeks? And, I read that men just use kissing to move toward sex, it doesn’t really mean anything like it does for women. True?

    Your Highness Beloved,

    Let him have first kiss when you’re ready. Not first date but based on how fast the relationship develops. The more intense and eager he acts, the longer to delay it; it helps screen him. Presuming, of course, it’s you rather than sex that has held his attention long enough to wait for your discretion.

    With men first kiss is more accomplishment than romantically meaningful.

    Getting his first kiss is a mini-conquest of sorts if he has to work for it. The less eager you are in a likeable fashion that only coy women can get away with, then the more he has to earn it and the more of an achievement when it happens. He longed for it so long; he finally convinces you of his value, which means he admires himself just for getting there, which adds more value to you. (Imagination is more powerful than knowledge, according to Einstein.)


  5. Cocoa

    Sir Guy, can you please explain these 2 to Mrs slow Cocoa maybe with examples if at all possible):
    “Wouldn’t think of not deferring to you” and
    “Plays up your character more than attractiveness”

    And, seeking just to be in his lady’s company, do you mean it doesn’t matter whether she’s alone or not? Whether for a short period or a long period? As long he is in her company, regardless of where, when or how long, it doesn’t matter?! Is that what you mean?

    Sir Guy, I was very upset a while ago when I posted an encounter with my son, I usually keep notes and follow on your responses. However, as I was offline for a while I cannot recall at all the article I posted my thoughts at. Do you know or remember at all? So sorry, but I would like to reread your advice. I am working harder than ever with my children to restore what has been stolen from. I am determined and with God’s help and your advise, I will get there.

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    Wouldn’t think of not deferring to you? He is eager to let you have your way.

    Plays up character more than attractiveness? He admires what he uncovers other than by eyesight. He’s more interested in what he discovers than just your appearance.

    Sure that’s what I mean. He admires you company anytime, anywhere. He copies you; he likes the closeness although not as close all the time as you like. You’re a magnet to his interests.

    As to your son, you might find it at 2169, 799, or 1788.


  6. prettybeans

    Dear Guy, your last statement made me laugh out loud.
    Studying through your articles certainly gives one a lot of food for thought and I am studying most attentively at your feet.

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